Game Pops Easley in and Easley Out of Damion's Glove

Miss the last two games against inferior NL opponents?

I'll bring you up to speed.

Yesterday, the B-Squad makes it through the game on the strength of John Maine's acey-ness and Carlos Buntran's homerun. Otherwise, viewers of the Nationals telecast spent the game wondering which was more aggravating, Don Sutton's thinly veiled hostility or the Mets inability to stop looking a gift Reyes in the mouth. Show and Countrytime Lemon get the job done and the Mets pull out a close one. Flip channels, watch Wickman melt down and the Br*ves loose on a walkoff to the cRockies, and the Yankers get owned again by the Sawx. You score the Metsfan trifecta (Mets win, Br*ves loose, Yankers lose), one that may even lead to the Torre corpse being exhumed from the Yankme Stadium dugout. It was a good day, pulled from the jaws of a bad day.

"When it comes to Mike Wallace, the story ends with me putting him into the wall."
--Kid in Geico commercial

Tonight the squad gets even Beesier, with Stash on the shelf 'til further notice and El Duque gone to where ever it is he goes when he suffers an age-related injury. You think to yourself, you know, the Mets defense is going to suffer verily without Stash. And horror of horrors, the team feels the immediate impact of the morning's degradation in the performances of Chan Ho Park and Damion Easley, who are lost on the mound and in the field respectively. Easley's non-catch is like pulling the thread of the orange and blue sweater, and the whole sweater unravels. Worse, Keith and Gary speculate that red hot Grandpa Moises was removed from the game early due to injury, a eventuallity I can't contemplate before I get a good night's sleep. Thinking, it'll be hard to put Moises between ice cold Delgado and Wright to break up those two guaranteed outs if Old Man Moises does go to his traditional spot on the DL. Then, with Milledge injured, we're really in trouble, like Limatime trouble. Despairing, we almost miss Shawn Green making his first catch near a wall in idunnowhen. Mets offense pumps out 6 runs or so as an afterthought, but this game feels lost. Flip channels, watch Andururw launch game winning walk off against the Phooies. You don't hang around to watch it land.


"Does anybody know why? Text me."
--Keith Hernandez

Mo Vaughn Responds Angrily to Pudding Chin Scandal

NEW YORK (AP) -- Former Mets first baseman Mo Vaughn offered $1 million to anyone who could prove it was pudding that blotted his famous chin during his ill-fated run with the Mets, and criticized members of the media in a blog on his personal Web site Friday.


Mmmm...doughnut

The controversey over what stained the "Hit Dog's" chin was reignited this week when beloved former Mets broadcaster Fran Healey said former Mets catcher Jason "Googles" Phillips had told him it was pudding, not sweat seen on the massive first baseman's chin, and that it was done for a publicity stunt.

A former MVP in 1995, Vaughn was a fixture in the hopeless 2002-3 New York infield. At a press conference at a local restaurant, which Vaughn started off by falling down the Olive Graden steps, he challenged the audience:

"If you have ... the guts, grab an entire pork roast, have them put in your lobster order, then walk around for 4 hours,"Vaughn yelled at the small crowd gathered. "After that go find a strip joint, put a hundred or so singles into various g-strings, run over, do Jaeger shots a few times. When you're done check that chin and see if there's pudding on it."

Healey did not immediately return a message Friday left with his employer, Dairy Queen of Long Island.

Vaughn offered $1 million to be paid in singles to anyone who could prove the sweat on his chin was not authentic. But it's unclear where the chin is, as there are quite a few of them.

"If the sweat on the chin is fake, I'll donate a million dollars to that person's charity, if not they donate that amount to my tab at Scores," he wrote on his website. "Any takers?"

Vaughn also ripped several members of the national sports media for exaggerating stories based on their own insecurities and for "rolling their eyes" when he talks about his love for chubby pole dancers. His recommendation: "Put them all on an island somewhere.

"If you haven't figured it out by now, working in the media is a pretty nice gig," the rotund ex-Met wrote. "Barring outright plagiarism or committing a crime, you don't have to be accountable if you don't want to. They even let Steve Phillips work with them."

An Explanation

scene: 30 or so years ago, Niagara Falls , NY...Tour groups gather near the railing to marvel at the awesome of display of hydropower, mist fills the air, children run screaming and parents enjoy the spectacle. A little boy leans dangerously over the railing trying to get a better look.

Willie Randolph (younger, but kind of daft): Wow, it's so beautiful! I wonder what it'd be like to go over in a barrel?

An older man, noticing the boy's behavior, yells out to the boy, scolding.

Julio Franco (in his mid-40s): Hey kid, what are you doing leaning over the railing? Be careful! You could fall!

Young Willie: sees a buterfly and tries to play with it, falling over the protective rail in the process. Don't worry mister...ohh it's so pretty...AAaaaaaghhh, I'm falling!

Franco dives and catches the boy by his underpants, hauling him back up to safety.

Young Willie: Thanks mister, you saved my life. How can I ever repay you? You want my Yankee cap?

Julio: haha. Well that's ok, there's nothing you can do for me right now youngman, but someday...someday I might call upon you for a favor...

Willie: Anything, mister, anything.

Julio: chuckling. haha well you run along then son. And be careful.

Willie: Ok mister. Gosh, I'll never forget what you done for me today.

end scene.


would this or would this not cool look airbrushed onto the side of your van? it would.

Off Day Time-Waster: These are a few of my favorite teams

My encounter with the Rockies' fan base a few weeks ago led me think, "Hey I like the Rockies just a little bit more than I did before; and what have they ever done to me anyway?" I can't blame then for beating Pelfrey around like a red-headed Looper yesterday, because heck even the forces of nature are arrayed against the cRockies longterm sucess.

Then I thought, "hmm... I wonder what my favorite teams are, besides the Mets, I mean." I don't really like any other teams, but what if I did? Boy wouldn't it be great if I wasted a whole day putting them in order and trying to justify said order?" Should we rank our opponents? It sure helps me figure out my rooting hierarchy when I flip around Extra Innings. So I ranked the rest of the league with these critieria in mind: their level of threat to the Mets, level of annoyance to me, and some other random qualitative factors.




1. Mets Because that, ladies and gentleman, is how I roll.
2. Red Sox I don't care what the haters say, the Sawx should always be numero dos in every Mets fan's book. If you don't know why, well there's 1) 1986 WS, and 2) Anti-Yankme alliance. What else is there?
3. Dodgers I have always felt that they share a certain historical bond with the Mets, and other than 1988, they never really beat us when it counted. Plus I live in LA, am scared of gangmembers, and Dodgers Stadium is cool. And they were hapless patsy doormats for us in last year's playoffs.
4. Orioles Thanks always needs to be given for the 1969 World Series. And they play in a beautiful park and are totally harmless, especially as long as they employ Met cast-offs like Jim Duquette and Mrs. Benson.
5. Los Angeles Angels of Wherever I envied them when they got Vlad. Seemed to be making all the right moves, the kind I wanted the Mets to be making in the early 2000s.
6. White Sox. One of my favorite team as a fan-promiscuous child. Loved Greg Luzinski. Where Robin Ventura came from.
7. Blue Jays. No one cares about the Blue Jays, and I'm no exception.
8. Rockies. Why the hell not? They did, in the end, effectively take Mike Traitor Hampton off the Mets hands. And you gotta feel for their pitchers. Plus, they'll never win. I wonder what it is like to be a Colorado fan, hopeless loosing at that high altitude. John Elway is not walking back through that door.
9. Athletics Stupid shoes bother me. That idiot Giambi couldn't just slide? But without the A's, there would be no ceaseless prattling on about "Moneyball," right?
10. Devil Rays Home of my favorite Mets pitcher, Scott K*zmir, I probably watch more of their games than most other teams. Harmless. On the other hand, their existence as the AL East's perrenial crashtest dummies pisses me off in the sense that the Yankme's have the not only the payroll but the actual league structured in their favor. how about moving the Br*ves into the AL huh? They're more East than the D-rays.
11. Padres How can you hate a team named after Friars? Even if they wear fatigues sometimes which I don't quite get.
12. Giants Lost to Mets in 2000. Saved Mets from Zito-sized mistake in 2007. 'Nuff said.
13. Astros The Amazins' avoided cheatin' Mike Scott and made history in the process. Only uniforms ever uglier than the Mets.
14. Cubs Is there a more non-threatening team out there? In the days of Sutcliff and Sandberg, they were quite a challenge but since they left the Mets division, I don't think about them much.
15. Mariners Who?
16. Royals The last time I saw the Royals play, George Brett was racing out of the dug out. Something about pinetar and a bat.
17. Tigers Nice retro team. No feelings whatsoever either way.
18. Indians Cleveland is where Alex Escobar went, right? Other than that, I got nothing.
19. Twins Didn't Rick Reed pitch there once?
20. Rangers Bush Jr. pretends to have run this team. That's bad enough for me.
21. Reds Sad sad team, has been refuge for infamous cheaters, as well as haven for Nazi owners, Ken Griffey Jrs., and a laughably inferior Mr Met ripoff.
22. Pirates What kind of Pirates are these? Scaredy pants, Tinkerbell pirates? Perpetual contraction candidate.
23. Diamondbacks When they first came into the league, I hated them and their arrogant veterans, but they did give it up to the Mets in the 1999 playoffs and I will always love them for what they did to the Yankme dynasty
24. Marlins By regularly saying f* you to continuity and tradition, the Fish won it all, then disbanded, then won it all. If they were in some other division, I might like them.
25. Phillies I was born near Philly, but the pure seething hatred of the fans and recent big mouth blathering by a certain shortstop turn me off. To paraphrase John Lennon, I don't believe in Phillies.
26. Nationals A pity vote, since they barely qualify as a franchise.
27. Cardinals From Whitey in the dugout to whitey in the stands. There are only three teams keeping this boring old homogonous team from my cellar. Read on.
28. Brewers Is the guy from Deliverance still closing games for them? Squeal like a pig, Bud Selig.
665. NY Yankees. Its not really the tradition, Goliath, or all the evil empire crap that males me hate the Spankers. Steinbrenner buying pennants doesn't phase me either. And I suppose I'll eventually get over what they did to us before, during, and after the Subway Series. It's the personel. It's the loathsome Derek Jeter. The hateful Roidger Clemens. The souless bumbling Arod. The sham Giambi. The pathetic pinstriped Doc and Darryl. That kind of stuff.
666. Atlanta Br*ves

The game that did not deserve catchy title

Possible new Mets Fifth starter candidates if Pelfrey doesn't pan out.

Hey, no one got hurt, right?

Other than some classic Tom Seaver on the SNY broadcast, I wouldn't have guessed the team mucking up the field in today's matinee was my New York Mets. Beaten by a team that's worst investment is not Kaz Matsui, but in its dinosaur-platapus mascot.

I wouldn't wish having to watch Aaron "Tag" Sele on anyone, but if you are unclear on the concept of "suck," then you may want to dial this clunker up on your Tivo or MLBs.TV.

I'll let pitching coach Rick Peterson explain soon-to-be-former-5th-starter BatsinhisPelfrey's outing: “In the bullpen and his side sessions, he’s doing his best. In the game, he’s trying his best, and there’s a definite difference.”

Got it?

The Mets may be going for "Pelf Help" sooner or later. I love me some Pelfrey, and as long as the progressively shittier pitching coming from his arm is not due to injury, I am unfazed. I say, take your time, buddy, and learn to love your Pelf, becuase if YOU don't love your Pelf, nobody else will.

As for 5th starter replacements not named Lima, according to the NY Times, the Humber Jack and Sosa are tearin' the roof of the minor league sucka. I don't know about rushing another kid to the majors, and I think we need more time to develop Humber nicknames and such. I say let's see if THIS Sosa can testify!! (Sammy Sosa reference)

As a side note, I don't know where Omar and Willie studied public speaking, but sometimes the strangest things come out of their mouths. Is it just me?

On Pelf (from the Times): “You have to keep your eyes on him and see where you are,” Minaya said. “Right now, he’s going to get another start. But I reserve the right to speak to my manager. I haven’t spoken to him yet about today’s outing.”

I reserve the right to speak to my manager. Why would Omar need to reserve this particular right? I know he meant "but we might change our mind as a management team" but...Well I guess if I had to field questions about Manny Ramirez all day long and talk to the media all the time, I'd get a little slap happy too.

Hits Don't Come Easley, But Mets Beat Rockies Endyway

Reyes passes the torch of team superstar sparkplug to Damion Easley

Winning "pretty" is fun. But there is just no way to come up with an original pun with which to adorn this post. If this game were to be graphed by a drunken monkey with a crayon and some rudimentary english skills, it might look like this:

---------------------------------------------------@!?*#!----------YAY!

It's always an encouraging sign when your team isn't hitting for shit, but still finds a way to win when its little guys come through. Reyes, Beltran, and Delgado went an astounding 0 fer 14. Some cRockies soon-to-be-devastated-by-injury pitcher or another inducing nothing but grounders that I think I could get to if I had cleats on.

Enter Sandman. Exit tie.

Enter Badass.

Willie's magic 8 ball tells him to send up D-Ease , who waits til 0 and 2 before calmly knocking that mutha out of the park. 1-1. Or Uno Uno for you Spanish speakers. Then Endy surprises everyone on the planet by executing a walk-off slap drag bunt and winning the game, leaving the only remaining question, which of these astounding plays was most shocking? Well, that and the other burning question: can't Kaz Matsui stop faking injuries long enough so he can get one little at-bat against the Mets and I can see him in someone else's sleeveless uniform? I am told the cRockies have instituted a new "buy sleeves for your uniform with your own money if you want them" policy to try to save money for the Todd Helton and Mike Hampton contracts.

There are times when I suspect that Willie knows as much as I do about managing Major League Baseball. And there are times when I suspect Shawn Green, Error Machine, is one Hamfisted Hebrew in the outfield. But there are also times when I go to bed happy anyway, er, Endyway. This is one of those nights.

***
It's never, never too early to start your All Star ballot box stuffing.

Willie Randolph: Handler of Men?

This thing is called "Dinger."

Statement Gary Cohen wishes he could take back: "Willie is an excellent handler of men."

I wonder what noted Br*ves gay-bashers and all-around asswipes from Hillbilly Hill, John Smoltz and Todd Jones, their intolerance unfairly overshadowed by uber-bigot Br*ve John (Off-His) Rocker, think about this? Or Keith Hernandez' coat, for that matter.

(For those of you unfamiliar with John Smoltz or the non-Rocker related history of Br*ve bigotry--not to be confused with br*ves infidelity or wife-beating*-- his 2004 remarks on legalizing gay marriage, "What's next, marrying an animal?" not only alienated gay rights advocates and fair minded baseball fans, but also enraged a good percentage of the Atlanta fanbase, for obvious reasons. Luckily for his endorsement deals, Smoltz remained silent on "marrying your sister" and was thus able to retain the allegiences of most non-farmer Br*ve fans.)

I admit to being slightly distracted by the Br*ves-Fish game when Cohens comment got my attention. I have to guess he was referring to Willie's roster management, not his shower time ettiquette. However, as far as the bullpen goes, I have to say, the evidence points to the "Silly Willie" thesis. While he has got a handle on the double switch, I don't think he has figured that out yet.The debate will continue to rage over whether Cohen's (mis)statement is accurate, for example over at Metropolitans.


Imagine the fun if the Rockies acquired empiricist and probable 'roid rager, Carl Everett!

Other than not seeing KAZMAT and his amazin arm-hose perform, there was very little dissapointing about yesterday's action. The Mets stuck up their obligatory 6-8 runs thanks to Stashpower, and Maine was quietly effective, even though he continues to look like someone woke him from nap time. The Fish almost blew it, thanks to our old friend Henry Owens, but they held on to their lead over the Br*ves and helped install our Mets back in first.

Tonight, the Mets continue their meetings with the friendly visitors from the land of high-altitude non-contention. Aside from being the c-Rockies, the Colorado thin air bashers do boast a formidable middle of the order, so it will be interesting to see which Ol' Duque shows up tonight.

To pass the time until game time, check out Sandomir's critique of the ESPN broadcast of the Sawx-Yankers. My take? High on Jeter, and saddled with amiable buffoon Joe Morgan and some complacent producers, ESPN is just coasting, their mediocrity ruining the minds of a new generation of baseball fans.



*for a remarkable and disturbing round-up of all the professional sports wife beating that is going on, go here. Benitez and Astacio, Wil Cordero, apparently as shameful in private as they are in public, top the list for the Mets.

Beaten By a Boy Named Kelly: Anatomy of A(nother) Lost Weekend

If a series took place this weekend at Shea, and I'm not saying it did, here are a few reflections.

In fact, repressing memories of this April debacle might be the best option at this point, especially when we can still calm ourselves with the 2007 Mets unquestionable potential despite their record versus the Atlanta Klansmen. Given my new-found reservoirs of optiMetism, it was still disheartening to watch the Red Sox, for my money are most likely to meet the Mets in the 1986 redux World Series this Fall, calmly come from behind to finish dismantling their biggest rivals, the Yankers, who it must be said, are a better team than the Br*ves.

I think the baseball gods would smile upon our Mets if they were to make it to the Series and face the Yankmes. I know I'm looking ahead, but I still worry about the Red Sox, even having read and scoffed at an article in the Sunday NY Times by Dan Rosenheck (hack?) which confidently claimed once and for all to provide evidence of the AL's superiority by advancing the general claim that a NL team, placed in the AL, would only win so many games. Rosenhack writes, "an average AL squad would probably improve its record by about 10 games if it could face NL competition, meaning that last year's Yankees probably would have been a 107 win juggernaut if they had played the Met's schedule." This is a patently ridiculous use of statistics to project pointlessly, one that not only ignores context and environment and the possibility that you play to your competition (compare runners' times against top competition for example), while being ignorant of a couple of minor points about the real competition faced in the AL East. For example, there is just no way the competition provided to the Yankmes and Sox by the bottom feeders in the AL East (Drays and Orioles) can be compared to the "bottom feeders" in the NL East (Expos and Marlins) who have been competitive on a World Series level in recent years. Oh and the NL won the World Series last year. So phoey on that!

If the Mets faced a powerful well salaried AL East team in the World Series, wouldn't it be great if a manager could challenge the steroid use of someone like, say David Ortiz, just like you can challenge a corked bat, or too much pine tar? Ump whips out a pee cup, takes a time out and wahlah!

****


What's the difference between the poetry in motion displayed in the picture I ran of Kermit last week and the actual Shawn Green loosing another pivitol ball in the sun/wall yesterday? If you answered that Kermit is more graceful, then you are correct!

Hi-Ho, Shawn Green here...

Pitching and defense win games. They also, as the Mets found out yesterday, loose games in devastating fashion. The GOAT LIST is long, and includes Stash, Poopeyface Heilman, Sugarpants himself, and the Jewish Cypher with the Three Year Contract. But as usual, Shawn Green makes the list. What is hard to wrap one's giant baseball shaped head around is this: what exactly is Shawn "Ain't Easy Being"Green bringing to the table here? Green seems determined to give away every heroic contribution of his bat, in this case, a wonderous HR that fatally punctured the unholy aura of John (Satan) Smoltz and opened the offensive floodgates for the Mets, in a game in which they had to rely on former Br*ve and current Br*ve Batting Practice pitcher, Tom Glavine, he of noted inability to beat the Smirking Sister-lovers of Georgia. I'm not saying that Lastings (Thrill a) Milledge would have had the focus to make the catches that Green routinely bobbles near any given outfield wall, but Milledge would have had the focus to make the catches that Green routinely bobbles near any given outfield wall. Until Green's bat cools off, or the Mets switch to a league with a designated hitter rule, we must endure. Note to Shawn Green: you really need to get over your obvious fear of the right field wall, or you might not have further chances to stand in front of it in the near future.

***

(Ch)umps: Back to the Pre-Quest Tec Future


(Ch)ump Paul Emmel's alma mater. Send hate mail to address on sign.

We'll get to them in due time, but when one of the Bozo's employed by TBS made great hay of homeplate umpire Paul Emmel's ability to call balls and strikes, before the game, you had to look at your karma meter and know something was up. And indeed, something was up. The worst ball and strike officiating I can remember. How bad? So bad, that the TBS broadcasters would need to regroup after a commercial break in order to re-justify a strike call when their own over- head camera's clearly showed Smoltz getting the old pre-quest tec outside pitch that built the Br*ves' regime every bit as much as John Schuerholtz and Lee Mazzilli.

It's enough to make you wonder whether someone wasn't interfering with Emmel's vision.

The pitch that Smoltz "stuck out" Carlos Buntran with in the 5th was so far off the plate, you would have to take off your Br*ves klan hood to shake your head. With two men on and two out, this call would have been the turning point of the game had the run explosions of the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings not happened.

With an amazing display of ungratefullness to an ump who had just potentially handed them the game, Satan and Cox made a big show inthe 6th of not getting the high strike call that they had gotten earlier on David Wright. Cox got tossed, turning the game's management over to traitor Rodger McDowell.

If there is karmic payback, the Br*ves have yet to receive it, since they won the game. Where are you, baseball gods?

Skip and Dip

As the unrepentently homerish TBS dipwads kept reminding those of us who were unfortunate enough to have to rely on the TBS feed yesterday, TBS has the rights to post-season. I repeat, TBS has the broadcast rights to the post-season. Let it sink in. Think I'm jumping the gun in worrying about the playoff broadcast evil awaiting us? Before you decide on that question, think of how much more bitter last season's elimination at the hands of the (House of) Cards felt, when delivered cheerfully by Fox's homer-team of Cardinal WS ring-wearing Buck and ex-Card McCarver. Yeah, I thought so. The Hooded Homer's were in rare form yesterday, pretending (along with the scorers it turns out) that Rent-a-player's error was a hit, and giggling evily after the Mets blew the game at various disappointed Mets fans who the camera men took great glee in framing. Turning the volume off only provided relative relief.

Bring on the cRockies! I hope Kazmat's back is healthy. Love that guy.

Operation Kansas City All-Stars

It has been suggested by one of the fine minds over at Metsblog (here's looking at you, Craig swan dive!) that we Mets fans subtley influence the ridiculously early All Star competition. Voting for an all Mets NL squad, no matter what? Been there. Voting for anyone but a Br*ve or Yanker? Done that. Writing in Stash over and over again? Ok, maybe that was just me. But let's take it to a new level, is what I'm hearing.

What has MLB done to deserve sabatoge? What, other than squeezing us out of town fans for every penny and every last emotion over the preposterous power play that was the DirecTV fiasco?

Allow me to remind you: letting anyone who wants to vote vote as many times as they like is a travesty. It's worse than a mere popularity contest, it puts power in the hands of those who least deserve it, those who have the time to vote over and over again. It's a mockery of democracy; what will our Iraqi friends think? But making homefield advantage contingent on the outcome of a exhibition game is a crime against baseball, the kind of crime that is Selig's specialty, incidentally.

But how to make sure we send the message loud and clear to Bud and his cronies?

STEP ONE: Go here to vote.

STEP TWO: Use Voter's Guide, below.

Ladies and gentleman, your 2007 All-Star Royals! The results must be unambiguous, we can't have a bunch of crappy players randomly representing the AL, then there's a chance Bud wouldn't even notice. He's not that sharp, you know. That's why we send the KC Royals to the All Star Game. Picture this: Jeter calling his car service the day before to cancel his trip to the airport when he realizes, he ain't even on the team!! Or if you have a conscience, just think of it as a protest against the evil regime of Bud Selig. Or, if you like, think of it as a protest against Barroid Bonds and the entire Giants organization that coddled/exploited him. Whatever gets you through the voting process.

AL
First base (R. Shealy)
Second (M. Grudzielanek)
SS (T. Pena)
Third (A. Gordon)
Catcher (J.Buck)
Outfielders (E. Brown, D. DeJesus, M. Teahen)

NL
Mets!

Rinse and repeat if possible.

STEP THREE: Evil laugh!!!
Not only have you done all you can to load Mets on the NL team, you just elected some very deserving Royals, enhanced the chances of the Mets having homefield advantage, thumbed Bud Selig's eye, and told Jeter to go suck it. Not bad for a 10 minute effort, eh?

Something's Fishy

Just say "NO" to the Marlins!

---------------------------------

Anyone else starting to feel sorry for the Phillies?

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Manny Happy Returns

The current April 23rd issue of the New Yorker has a Manny Ramirez profile almost worth the $4.50 cover price if you are not a subscriber. I think you can also get access here. Among the tasty tidbits in this story about the-man-who-could-have-been-Met:

Manny's baggy clothes style comes from his habit of borrowing other players' outfits from their lockers earlier in his career.

When Red Sox ex-GM Dan Duquette asked Manny why he would continue to stand in the batter's box after the umpire called ball four, Manny replied that he didn't keep track of the balls, or the strikes until he got two. "Duke, I'm up there looking for a pitch I can hit. If I don't get it, I wait for the umpire to tell me to go to first. Isn't that what you're paying me to do?"

Manny reportedly once requested a trade to Pawtuket, the Red Sox AAA team in Rhode Island.

Manny on the eBay grill fiasco: "I'm a businessman" and "I need the money."

Manny wants to go to China, which he saw on TV, so he can visit the "Prohibit City."

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Blast from the past

Here's Barry Bonds' take on what it means to be a wealthy African American baseball player, and what "pee" could mean. It's old news from but the outtakes from Bonds grand jury are still fascinating in the length's Barroid will go to lie.

In answers that sometimes rambled, Bonds sought to vouch for his trainer as a good and honest person who would never traffic in illegal drugs.

"Greg is a good guy, you know, this kid is a great kid. He has a child," Bonds said. At another point, he told the grand jury:

"Greg has nothing, man. ... Guy lives in his car half the time. He lives with his girlfriend, rents a room so he can be with his kid, you know?

"... This is the same guy that goes over to our friend's mom's house and massages her leg because she has cancer, and she swells up every night for months. Spends time next to my dad, rubbing his feet every night."

Bonds told the grand jurors that he had given Anderson a $20,000 bonus and bought him a ring after the 73-home run season. He also bought the trainer a ring to commemorate the Giants' 2002 World Series appearance. When a juror asked why the wealthy ballplayer hadn't bought "a mansion" for his trainer to live in, Bonds answered:

"One, I'm black, and I'm keeping my money. And there's not too many rich black people in this world. There's more wealthy Asian people and Caucasian and white. And I ain't giving my money up."

***
Bonds also was quizzed about a document that said, "Barry 12-2-02, T, 1 cc G - pee."

A prosecutor asked, "Does that correspond to you getting, you know, growth hormones or testosterone or giving a urine test or anything of those things that you can recall from Mr. Anderson."

"T could mean anything," Bonds replied. "G could mean anything. And pee could probably mean anything."

Barry Bonds, a disgrace to the human race; something we can all agree on.

---------------------------------------

Time to take on the D-Train and his Fish. The move to the warmer climate should hopefully help the Mets shake the stiffness and maybe lead to some more exciting games. Old Man Moises parting the left field bleachers was ok. But the most exciting thing about yesterday's easy victory over the Phillies was flipping over to watch the Br*ves nearly cough one up against the Gnats by way of Rent-a-player's 2 and 1/2 errors and Larry's misplay.

Is Stash wearing glasses in the field, but not at the plate? Hmmm. Seems worthy of investigation. The SNY guys are having way too much fun in the booth to be bothered with that detail. Also, they appear to be translucent librarian glasses.
--------------------------------------

I retract my previous admiration for Hillary Swank, who by some reports, used valuable interview time in the latest issue of Esquire to wax about the Mets playoff demise. I picked up the issue at a bookstore, and it seems from reading it that she is a phony baseball fan. Who knows what publicist told her to go there in her interview or why. But she referred to runs as "points" or something like that. Too bad.

Rainy Day Nonsense: Top 10 Best Famous, Infamous or Otherwise Mets-Related Quotes Ever

Rain Rain Go Away
Well this sucks. The Mets rubber game vs the Gnats is all wet. Well, we could spend the afternoon discussing whether David Wright screwed up, and whether Willie handled it correctly telling the press it was an "obvious mental mistake," but who wants to talk about the weather?

There's an interesting argument in today's New York Times by Joe Sheehan, "Why 100 Pitches Don't go as Far as they Used To." On the subject of modern pitchers' stamina and pitch counts, Sheehan opines that since they lowered the mound in the late 1960s, ballparks and strikezones shrank, and power hitters bulked up and started making up larger parts of any given team's lineups, pitchers must work harder to get through the opposition's lineups. Thus the pitchers can't make it through games and are kept on pitch counts to protect them from the changing game. "Old Schooler" Bert Blyleven thinks this is bs, and that "The more you throw, the better off you are." The league is basically turning pitchers into sissies. I dunno, half of me says Blyleven's right, and they should let pitchers finish games in the minors and in college. Something must have changed since the good old days. I think weight training and the escalation of salaries have played a role in this mystery too. In particular, they should study what sorts of weight training pitchers are doing. And I'd love to see a study on injury rates. Then there's the expansion-induced watering down of the league, and good old performance enhancing drugs to consider.

Anyhow, having recently reread the classic telling of the 86 Met's story, Jeff Pearlman's The Bad Guys Won! I am wondering, where have all the colorful players gone? The whole league, aside from our own fur coat wearing Mex master, has been Jeterized, and no one outside of the raving's of Ozzie Guillen or the ego of Gary Sheffield says anything remotely interesting anymore. So I threw together this list to keep you busy on this rainy day.

These are actual quotes spoken by actual Mets or Related Characters.

10. "You're next!"

--noted asshole and tragic figure Darryl Strawberry to Gary Carter, reportedly said this after punching Keith Hernandez at team photo shoot in spring of 1989.

9. Mets ex-GM Steve Phillips saying he used to tell Vaughn to pretend foul pops were "cheeseburgers."

(See this Daily News article (published June 14) is talking about how Phillips trashed the Yankees during an ESPN radio appearance, comparing the team to the 2002 and 2003 Mets and comparing Jason Giambi to Mo Vaughn. This quote makes the cut because it shows that Steve Phillips is stupid while demonstrates that Steve Phillips was under no illusions when he acquired the big dud.)

8. “My wife wanted a big diamond.”

--Mookie Wilson on why he was married on a baseball field (Pearlman, 2004: p.103)

7. “We were throwbacks, man. We were like, ‘Gimme a steak, gimme a fuckin’ beer, gimme a smoke, and get the fuck out of our way.”

--Bob Ojeda (quoted in Pearlman, p.87)

6. “You don’t win a World Series drinking milk.”

--Doug Sisk (Pearlman, p74 )

5. "I wanted to get people's attention. There are always tons of reporters here when something bad is happening. I don't like a lot of them...What are they going to do? Fine me?"

--Bret Saberhagen in 1993, admitting to lighting a firecracker and throwing it under a table near reporters in the Shea Stadium clubhouse on July 7.

4. "I know you are all gonna try, but you're not going to be able to wipe this smile off my face."

--Baseball bust Bobby Bonilla in 1992 to reporters, as he is introduced as the Mets new $29 million dollar man.

3. "The nightmares are that you're gonna let the winning run score on a ground ball through your legs."

--Bill Buckner, during a TV interview before Game One of 1986 World Series against the Mets (quoted in Pearlman, p.246)

2. "Nobody told me I was in competition. If there is competition, somebody better let me know. If there is competition, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit in spring training and I never will. If it ain't settled with me out there, then they can trade me. I ain't going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [a competition], then I'm going into 'Operation Shutdown.' Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't competed for a job since 1991."

--Derek Bell, mediocre and fading but still proud (and classy) ex- Mets outfielder (Ok, Bell was a Pirate at the time, but it still makes me chuckle everytime I hear it. It's Rickey-esque. Bell and his gigantic balls had been traded to the Mets after he wore out his welcome on the Astros when, upset about playing time, he confronted the manager of his old team Larry Dierker on July 22, the day of Dierker's return from a month-long absence after emergency brain surgery. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports columnist Mark Madden summarized the incident with "Derek Bell becomes the ultimate Pirate: Lives on a boat and steals money." On April 20, 2006, Bell was charged with felony cocaine possession and possession of drug paraphernalia, after police found a warm crack pipe in the back seat of his car during a traffic stop. Anyhow, he got one thing right, he certainly HADN'T competed since 1991.

1. "I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf. "

--Tug McGraw when asked about his preference for grass or astroturf; this quote is often unfairly overshadowed by the greatest of all Mets quotes, Tug's immortal "Ya gotta believe" but is worthy just the same.

Losing to the Worst Team the MLB could Sell

The Gnats. They were Expos, a team at some point in the last century led by Moises Alou. A labor strike killed the team. Owned by the MLB for several years in which their farm system apparently went barren, and their star players went elsewhere, the Gnats now offer fans a subpar baseball experience for their dollar. A real disaster.

Sometimes they win anyway.

All this is of course reminiscent of Major League Bullshit (MLBS) broadcast offerings for out-of-market fans. So perhaps fitting that I tried to watch this disaster of a game on said products of the MLB(S).

Those of us who just proudly ponied up the $160 for ExtraInnings and may also have spent the $70 in desparation for the MLBTV package--since MLB did not resolve the cable situation until their special renewal deal (a slight, yet meaningful discount) expired--are greeted by a familiar set of problems from last year. Blackouts, Buffering, and Bullshit.

Saturday games are owned by Fox. So no dice for Extra Innings. Even if Fox is not airing the Mets in your area, or at all. MLBTV continues to be spotty. You need a pretty fast connection to even get it. Unless you are lucky, get... ready... for...buffering. And stalling. And crashing. The buttons on the MLBTV viewer continue to do nothing. Unless you inadvertantly click on stop of course. The pre-show advertisements run smoothly somehow.

The Fox Saturday b.s. is a real problem. Check the schedule; this month Saturday is hit and miss. And in previous seasons, guess when the YankMets series big game is...thats right the weekend. Fox continues to piss on MLB. They're not showing the Saturday games nationally, but no one else can either.

Basically, its Joe Buck you, or Fuck you.

Thanks MLB(S).

So old story. MLB(S) products continue to be inferior. MLB would have negotiated a better deal for their out-of- market pakages with Fox, but they were too busy trying to stick it to big cable and screw the fans this spring.

None of this helps ease the futher pain of actually being aware (MLB GameDay still kind a works!*) of the awful performance of the actual team in question. Four at bats with runner on 3rd. Zero results. Someone's got to be able to get the ball into the outfield with a Jose on third and less than 2 outs. I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I truly hope today's game is not rained out, not only because it's my birthday and I fucking deserve it, but because Jackie Robinson day or whatever they're calling it properly honors a man who made sacrifices we modern latte sipping no-signaling SUV driving pansie asses can't even begin to understand.

I updated the Stash and Easley sites; check it out if you're into that kind of thing.


*the uselessness of MLB's other services actually make the historically awful Gameday product look better by comparison--could this have been Bud's plan all along?

Time, Time, Father Time is On Our Side

Yes he is.

Francostein delivers on Friday the 13th!





I'm so happy, I don't know which Julio Franco gag to use! The Mets were able to overcome the media-created triskaidekaphobia scare to bag a Friday the 13th "W" against the worst team in the NL. As the always upbeat and cheerful Marty Noble at MLB reminds us, our heroes traditionally suck on this unlucky calendar-created doomsday. But a combination of Francostein's clutch hitting, Stash's smooth fielding, Sugarpant's timely hitting and stealing, and Pelfrey's well, hanging in there with almost as many walks in his Pelfrey as bats let the Mets grab this one, and keep the sweep in order. Meanwhile, Dontrelle Willis, who'd still look mighty nice in Orange and Blue, stifled the Br*ves with the result that the Mets are lifted back up where they belong, where the eagles fly, where the...back in first place. I know its old news, but can you imagine the exuberance if D-Train and Reyes unleashed their smiles on the same field? It would be so infectious, it would surely be enough to make Marty Noble make a charatable contribution, snuggle with a puppy, sponsor a highway or buy some girl scout cookies.


And Ralph Kiner in the booth? Outstanding. He's only half there and he still delivers the best lines and stories. My favorite part is that my wife asks me the same question everytime she overhears his analysis: "Is that man having a stroke?"

On a more gloomy note, I am amazed to find that Carlos Buntran, who seems to be coming up small all the time, actually has 10 RBIs only one off of SupeReyes pace. And the Mets suffered another bullpen loss today with news of Juan Padilla having a um, setback which makes me a bit nervous because it means it is more likely that Omar will move to shore up the bullpen at some point before the all-star break. And moves always make me nervous because I loves me my prospects. But as Friday the 13th news goes, I suppose its ok. Get better soon, Juan.

Among the lessons for the Nationals is, if you want to beat the Mets, you have to bring more than your $425,000 Wagner, no matter how goofy he is. Remember, this is a posed picture. They could have reshot it, but they went with this one.



It is unclear the lessons that LaRussa-level genius manager Manny Acta learned from his brilliant strategy of holding Jose Reyes close to the bag...when Reyes was at 2nd base!! Rumor is that Acta is considering having outfielders piggyback on shortstop's shoudler so "they're taller." My longtime reader(s) are familiar with my opinion of Acta as Met third base coach. I once suggested a traffic pileon be used instead. Acta as a manager reminds me of the story of how I got my first job waiting tables in college. Hired as a dishwasher/busboy, I really needed to get on the floor as a waiter to earn any decent money. So I set to work breaking every other dish I washed. I broke so many damn plates, the management had no choice to put me on the floor. Anyhow, a similar, "fail upward" strategy has been used by Hollywood mogels for decades now, so more power to you, Manny! Say, anyone notice how many Mets have been thrown out at the plate this season?!?

Meanwhile, speaking of making fun of people based on their appearance...

Has Ronnie Belliard always looked like this?




(Digression...)

All the McDonalds characters being thrown about in the wake of the Amburgler joining the Mets bullpen got me thinking, what should we expect next from that happy corporate clown's posse? Who's the next nonsensical character to spring into the Mets ideosphere? The Grimace, who I am probably not the first to misidentify as the Hamburgler (because, well what else could he possibly do besides make off with burgers?) is now playing second base for the Nationals.

Well, apparently Grimace steals milkshakes. According to Generation X source of reputable knowledge Wikipedia:

In the first cycle of McDonaldland commercials beginning in 1971, Grimace was the "Evil Grimace", with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the "good guys", and his number of arms was reduced to two. Today, Grimace is generally portrayed in McDonald's commercials and merchandise as a sort of well-meaning doofus, whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald.

Well that's ridiculous, as anyone can see his arms aren't long enough to let the straw reach his mouth. Further along in the entry, Wikipedia quotes actual McDonald's promotional material and we learn that:

While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about sausage.

What? Has McDonalds ever even served sausage? Oh like at breakfast. Yeah ok I get it.



I like to think that we here at IMFM provide an alternative way to love the Mets; alternative to the mainstream media, alternative to the evil regime of Bud Selig, alternative to blogs that focus on reality and content, etc. So when I heard that MLB hood rat Alyssa Milano was offering her own MLB sanctioned "Touch" clothing line, and it was the best thing to hit baseball since they raised parking prices at Dodger Stadium, I leapt into action and hired some of my best Chinese laborors to make some clothing at 6 cents an hour.

Pending a couple of minor awsuits, I hereby offer my own competitive Mets McDonald's wear, "Feel!" featuring Candy, uh, I didn't catch her last name.

It's okay, because if chicks dig the Grimace (and Alyssa Milano's got nothing on this one baby, with those 1980's bedroom eyes--she likes her cholesterol set on stun and her men to smell like milkshakes...) the way I think they do, then it's alright by me. Compare and save!


"Feel" vs "Touch"




Tshirt $15
Jeans $25
goodtime also available for purchase
(Mets insignia on right ass pocket, we swear)
To her knowledge, Candy has never dated a Yankee, other than of course, Lee Mazzilli

vs.

French Terry Hood $49.99
Has Yankee taint
She dated that has-been Zito and that loser Yanker, Pavano!


Why settle for "touching" when you can "feel"?

Swatting the Gnats

what the f* is that thing and should it be around children?

It's cold out there. That's what I tell myself. The real, opening day, Mets will be back with their wizened hurling and thunderous lumber, just as soon as Spring arrives. The performance agains the Phillies was gritty, but underwhelming. And that ninth inning script--Wagner getting hit hard and putting some men on base and Wright getting the throwing yips--is one I could live without. With the Gnats up tonight, and the Br*ves facing the Fish and a 2-0 D-Train, I am hoping to make up some serious ground this weekend.

Dayn Pyry at it again.

I can't help myself, baseball guys who can't spell their own names right give me fits. Andrwuuw Jwones for example. Well Dayn Perry is back with another take on the Mets, an ostensibly reasonable one this time. Pyrry's point: Maybe the Mets rotation isn't as bad as all the naysayers were saying. Or naysaying. What is it that naysayers do?

Maybe I put a bit more stock in research than the average sports jester, at least when it comes to paid sportswriters. But I'm the proprietor of a novelty sports blog, dammit, and I feel it's my duty to protect my purposefully outlandish and off-base writer's territory from the unintentionally nonsensical and poorly informed writers of the world. If those two realms collide, well, it won't be pretty, think Moises Alou pregame ritual ugly.

It's one thing to get something wrong, but the kind of blunders Dawn makes continually show he is not paying attention to anything other than fantasty baseball type stuff--no intelligent fan can read his articles without doubting their content. Perry makes more mistakes in his field than Rodger Cedeno, and it continues to baffle me why we pay this guy any mind at all. Well I guess I'm guilty of paying attention too, but I'm just making fun of the guy. There may only be one sportswriter out there worse, and we all know who that is (first name starts with W, ends with allace).

Anyway, he's wrong again, or at least he looks at the stats and doesnt watch the games. Whoever those "naysayers" were, I bet they will agree with me when I say this. I think its way too early, 9 games into the season to make these kind of pronouncements about pitching, unless you are a mediocre sportswriter who needs to fill space, that is. Of course, Dayn notes this "too early" problem in his article too, but then, why does he write the article? ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY WATCHES THE METS AT ALL WILL RECOGNIZE THE FOLLOWING: Sure the rotation has performed adequately, but Maine has Perez-like issues with focus and control and Pelf has yet to be seen. Dealing out consistent walks is not likely to help a club win. Toothless and Ol Duque are what they are, 3-4 starters on a contending ballclub. As for relief, Its amazing to me that blogsters haven't run around with their heads' cut off more about Heilman's situation. Tender elbow, tender psyche, and Willie seems to think he can't run him out there every day anymore. The Show has yet to impress me.

Oh well, maybe Dawn thinks Jose C. Reyes is in the rotation, leading him to a false sense of confidence.

So if there is a point of my rant it is this: go read the article. I bet as you read, you won't be able to shake the feeling that this columnist doesn't watch the games. So I put it to you, dear reader, what is our criteria for columnists? Should they be actually watching the teams they write about, or is checking the stats once a week good enough?

Game Two, Philadelphia Sillies

It has to be taken as a sign of the times that when one looks around for the most degrading, humiliating picture of a certain rival ballclub's mascot with which to lead off a relatively contentless posting, one finds this:


this picture needs no caption.


Tonight, Willie's strategy has to include having the Mets hitters take advantage of the giant, Mrs. Benson-sized hole at shortstop:



I am already having bouts of the Br*ves-induced anxiety, not helped by the fact the firstplace Klansmen can trounce the hopeless Gnats, while we play the "Team to Beat." Adam Eaton and his 13.50 ERA come in to face Ollie, who's dominant last start will lead those of us PessiMets to fear for the worse. Here's hoping OP can keep it up, and the Phightin' Phils bring that sweet sweet bullpen along again.

I got to go, David Wright is appearing in my living room to promote Autozone, H&R Block, and the Pepsi family of beverages, and I don't want to miss a thing.

Let's Go Mets!


PS Do not visit this site immediately after eating.

Off-Day Blather: The Team to Beat Meets the Mets

A good baseball team will rely on defence and relief pitching. However, it is usually their own defense and relief pitching. Although the Mets were not able to wear Cole Hamels like a pair of shoes as I had hoped, luckily the Orange and Blue could depend on the Phillies' defence and relief, which booted, blundered, and bozo-ed away the game after blustering about their top dog status. Bbbbbb's.

This game had so many pleasures. The broadcast had a little bit of everything, a taste o' 1986, great discussion, and some come-from-behind walloping. A very Mookie fourth inning, a Philly Follies fifth, stressful 6th, and a glorious 8th.

D'hoh!
**Ryan Howard coming all the way from first to elbow his own 3rd baseman trying to catch an easy pop-up in the 5th inning: "My bad!"
**Jimmy Rollins blinded by the sun, or his gigantic flapping tounge, boots a possible double play and opens the flood gates.
**Displaying his Keith-Hernandez Ceremonial First Pitch Location, Geoff Geary's air ball scores Stash from third and gives the Mets back the game. (There is an excellent site dedicated to Walk Offs, do I see franchising potential with A Mets Wild Pitch Scoring Site?)

And coming in from the cold of a few nationally televised games, it was a real pleasure to listen to the SNY team explain and discuss the nuances of the game. So much happened during the game that would have only prompted Joe Morgan and Jon Miller to spout inanities. With the quality of the broadcast I didn't even mind the constant reminders that Verizon's phone's stay on during power outages, unlike Alexander Grahm Bell's. Anyhow, there really is a big difference between the SNY team and the others, though I did cringe when Mex pointed out a lady on the premises, but it turned out to be his wife, thankfully, who presumably was in the correct spot.

There was Mookie Magic in the 4th. Metsmerized by Mookie, I almost didn't notice Maine digging himself a hole then miraculously extricating himself in the nick of time. Maine needs to stop walking people. He did not have the dominating look of his first start, but still managed to keep the Mets in the game.

Carlos Delgado is one goddamn intelligent baseball player. His bunt against the shift, and later his slide were even more pleasurable than the bucket of hits and RBIs he delivered today. And watching the Mets execute in the 5th, along with LoDuca's selfless bat handling, was a real joy.




The boys in the SNY booth pointed out that Shawn Green could not be entirely held to account for his cutoff man missing (Jose Reyes was implicated), but Green is quickly cementing his status as the Met-most-likely-to-be-in-the-neighborhood-of-an-error-or-mental-mistake. Not taking third on the throw home on which Delgado scored, for example. It certainly ain't easy being Green.


Back when he could field his position

Being of the opinion that the home opener is never the place to bring in Aaron Sele, I was on edge as the Amburgler was getting fried. Scientists are right now developing instruments to understand why Willie was not having the combustable Ambie intentionally walk the MVP with first base open in a tight game, but their answers are a ways off. For now, more fuel to the debate over whether Willie is part of the solution or problem. And that Burger still needs seasoning.


Nickname concept and theme stolen from Coop and Toasty and others

--------------------------------

If you still need a pick me up after this game, or just a quick laugh, cruise on over to Deadspin for this unguarded picture of a very Randy Johnson.

Follow his links to some great early posing by favorites such as Uncle Cliffy, or "Air" Cliffy as shown here dunking a baseball in his spry days, and Ugueth Urbina, pre-killing spree.

Let's Change the Subject

uh, taxi!

I took in yesterday's game on the radio function of MLB tv, watching along with the supposedly "improved" Gameday. I snoozed along pleasantly to the radio, until I heard Reyes was limping, the news of which sat me bolt upright with terror. Anyhow, MLB's Gameday is like the car fitted with all sorts of gimmicks, but that's timing belt snaps after 20,000 miles. They have all sorts of 3-D gimmicks, but the very basic core functions of the service, e.g. the score, who's up at bat, etc., all continually fail, malfunction or stall. I imagine the premium MLBtv "mosiac" service is the same, because this kind of incompetence is MLB's trademark, though I can't say I was foolish enough to fork over the extra cash for the promise of a better product and the opportuntiy to watch six tiny buffering screens at once instead of one tiny buffering screen. Meanwhile, the media (at least those who obviously don't use MLBTV) fawn all over MLB's media strategy, and I wonder in what crazy world my constantly buffering laptop can be considered an improvement over Marconi's radio? I guess this to be expected in a world where they repackaged the walkman as an ipod and set the world on fire. Somebody, quick put flash memory in a hula hoop and we'll make millions together!

Ok, the game. Agent Glavine wasn't terrible, but I just have no confidence in him at Turner. And the Br*ves have served notice that they are not planning to go easily. No surprises there. And one Shawn "It ain't easy being" Green has served notice that he plans to bedevil Metsfans with his untimely errors and occasional hitting. Delgado had a bad day too, but I have to abide by my oath to never criticize him, an oath taken in the presence of Satan and bluesman Robert Johnson at the crossroads on the occasion of Omar trading someguyswedontremember for this beautiful, massive left-handed offense machine of a 1st baseman. So I can't really get too worked up about yesterday's loss to the hated Atlanta Klansmen.

Instead, let's take out our anger in a safe, responsible way. Let's bash ESPN's preposterous "Power Rankings"

The bozos in charge of this waste of virtual space made the mistake of trying to justify their rankings in public, and of course were filleted in the new espn comments section.

Let's cut through the pomp and circumstance and get to the point: The Yankees lead off our 2007 Power Rankings as the No. 1 team in the land.

But before anyone accuses us of East Coast bias, or cites the Yankees' mundane 1-1 record, or alludes to their error-filled display Thursday, remember these two points:

1. For our first Rankings, we've leaned heavily on the predicted standings from our ESPN.com contributors, who in all their wisdom picked the Yankees to win more games than any team in the majors.
2. The Yankees have played two games. Only 160 to go. If the first week mattered that much, the 3-0 Pirates would be in the top five.

But that's enough on the Bombers. They are followed closely by the AL champion Tigers, the archrival Red Sox and the crosstown Mets, who've blazed to a 3-0 start.

How'd the Cardinals fare? They debut at perhaps the lowest point (No. 18) of any defending champion in the Power Ranking era. And in their case, we had to factor in their first three games against the Mets. By the way, someone alert us when they score another run.

I look for advertising on this page, because if they are not trying to lure me in and sell me something, I'm not sure what they're trying to do here. It makes no sense. It's pointlessly self-contradictory. It isn't even effective at stirring up controversy, because it is so obviously invalid. It certainly isn't journalism or entertainment. Rumors of an ESPN Yankers Red Sox bias don't really bother me, since I don't take ESPN, or anyone who employs Steve Phillips, seriously. Further, I am not just sticking up for the Mets (3-0 at the time of the column, having just outscored the world champions 300-2), who found themselves "NL'd" by these hosers who judge the Yankers, beating up on weak competition (actually going 1-1), to be more "powerful" than the Mets who shellacked the world fucking champions like they were a red-headed step-Looper.

I'm just tired of lazy baseball reporting and journalism. To be honest, and this is no offense meant to the blogs, the stuff I read on blogs these days is fast surpassing the crap I read or hear from the talking heads of the industry (yes Dawn Perry, I'm talking to you). It's no longer enough to give the fan a simpleminded storyline, and reporters just don't seem to grasp that they don't have informational comparative advantage anymore. Even when someone like Rosenthal comes on Fox today to give us the scoop, you can tell by his eyes that he knows the jig is up--the common press, is by and large, no longer in a possition to tell us something we don't already know. "Pedro's making progress." No shit, Ken, my goldfish knows that! Even the "insiders," guys who played or GM'd in the actual game seem bankrupt and misused; witness the innane "predictions" each network feels bound to have their talking heads to force on us--they are so out-of-touch sometimes its unbelievable.

Seriously ESPN, stick to reporting the scores. Or return to making up funny nicknames.

This is why the quality of analysis will, I submit, become increasingly important in the near future--bloggers don't need boneheads like Perry to stir up debate, or make stat-head arguments, we can collectively do that better than they can. If baseball had some more entertaining personalities behind its desks and in its booths (I'm thinking Sir Charles Barkley here), charismatics that fans want to hear blab about their opinions (I'm thinking Keith Hernandez), then maybe it would help.

Even the beloved Sportsguy, the only thing espn has going for it, other than its headquarters being far enough inland in Connecticut to avoid the worst repercussions of the coming global warming triggered sea-level rise of 2008, is kind of sucky lately. Take his lame Dice-K first game running diary blog. Please! There are two major differences between my attempts at in-game, live blogs and this one. 1) Mine were funny, and 2) No one read mine.

Let's go Mets.

Around the Horn

Last night. Almost don't want to say anything about it. It was that brutal. Let's see if it happens again. We all know how Tom usually fares in Turner Toiletbowl. It's Br*ve Vs. Br*ve. And as I write this Glavine just gave up a HR and the Mets are down 2-1 in the 2nd and the Mets defense is unravelling. I don't think Glavine can contracturally win in Atlanta. Whatever happens today, Jerry Crasnick has thrown his hat in the ring for Year's most spectacularly poorly timed puff-piece article.




The new Boys and Girls Club ad spot featuring an uncharismatic, wax-dummy-looking Arod sheds some light on why Arod is always in trouble. He is not a genuine person, and he can't act. He can't even convincingly read lines about the benefits of community centers. If you don't believe Arod is classy, watch video of his fist-pumping reaction today to hitting a walk off grand slam against the Orioles in early April.


not what's on her face presently

Good morning, and say hello to Jeanne Zelasko's new nose. I don't think that was necessary, Jeanne. You just made your face more fair and unbalanced. In other news, this poor lady is looking for a missing part of her face:




The MLB's relentless war against common sense, decency, and the American way continues as they pointlesssly kick recently widowed Red Sox icon Johnny Pesky out of the dugout in Fenway. What evil insensitivity does Bud have cooked up for us next? I resent this doubly because it forces me to agree with Fox's Kevin Kennedy.

Maine Gains, and Cards Pray for Rain

"Maine deals the Pain, Redbirds need a Cane."

"Insane in the Maine-brain"

"Cards need Novacaine, Maine in the Fastlane"

"Mets Reign, Maine rules Spain"

Uh, well...you get the idea.

If Maine keeps pitching like this, it's gonna be a long fun season for headline writers across the country.

Last night's happenings were so pleasurable I have a baseball hangover. Just as the Mets were finally solving Looper and starting to kick his pooper, sweeping the midwest's currently most undeserving baseball franchise, word came down that evil Bud Selig and his minions had caved in to the forces of reason, and out-of-towners could have their In demand Extra Innings back.

Sure the day was slightly marred by some silly debate as to whether Willie should make our boys sit and watch the Cards celebrate (JoseJose). But, as a poster said over at Mike's Mets, "The only thing the Mets did owe the Cardinals was a good beating. So far, they've done their part to honor that commitment."

But Maine looked good. Real good. And the offense was, well, what we have come to expect. In these first three games at least, the Mets give the impression that they can be contained, but they cannot be stopped.

Now into the Mets own private proving-ground/hell. Let's think of things that rhyme with "Br*ve." (No redneck does not rhyme.)

On to today's top story...

Sandomir has a nice write up at the Times (I didn't fully believe it until I read it from him), but I want to take a moment to honor Senator Kerry by trying to prove that he is actually cool. Just check out these excerpts from his Sporting News interview, where he is cool as a cucumber, direct, and even talks some smack.

SN: We hear baseball's new deal with DirecTV (which would make out-of-market games available only to fans with the service) rubs you the wrong way. Why is that?

Kerry: This whole deal smells bad. MLB should look for ways to make baseball more accessible to fans, not less. I hope that MLB, DirecTV and others can get this done. Any deal worth $700 million that puts fewer games on TV is going to raise a big red flag.

SN: What are you planning to do about it?

Kerry: Our hearing last week before the Senate Commerce Committee was a great start. I've also asked the Federal Communications Commission to look into the proposed deal. Stay tuned.

SN: Is baseball's DirecTV deal any worse than the NFL's?

Kerry: The difference between MLB and the NFL is that the NFL Sunday Ticket was a brand-new idea developed between the league and DirecTV. The Extra Innings plan has been available to all fans on satellite or cable for many years and now might be taken away. ...
The trash-talker
SN: You're 6-4 -- can you dunk on pretty much anybody in Washington?
Kerry: Yes -- and someday I will show you my victory celebration.

The realist
SN: Seriously, how bad would you and John Edwards beat the president and Dick Cheney in two-on-two?
Kerry: Oh, man. We would have a field day.

The MLB of course will say that Kerry's threats did not impact them, but nobody believes that, especially with the hamfisted way they handled the whole affair. They didn't jump, they was pushed. The simple fact is, Kerry stepped up to the plate, and now we have our baseball.

Extra Innings Lives!!!! My Free Time Dies!!!

We have a deal.

Senator Kerry swiftboats Bud Selig!! MLB has announced a cave-in to big cable.

Amid reports that MLB couldn't even handle the traffic to its website, where it provides subpar coverage of MLB's product and often more buffering than baseball, the two sides kept negotiating and it seems as though DirecTV, in who's court the ball was said to be, must have given in. It's unclear what DirecTV gained from this, although DirecTV's announcement is here. But it certainly seems like they got less than they bargained for. That's what happens to those who get in bed with the evil Bud Selig, who, as I have faithfully chronicled in this space, is determined to destroy the game we love.

So here's a big hug for all those out-of-towners who would have been devastated by this development, and a big foam finger to all those Ayn Rand doofuses with nothing at stake, who nonetheless took the MLB's side. Those who say that fans have no leverage have to go back to the drawing board and those who said Congress and John Kerry would have no impact, you are also wrong as hell.

Tonight: Tossin' Tots To be Tested

Two games into the season, and I am running out of Cardinals material! I guess I just took it too fast, and let out a whole off-season of pent up snarkiness in just a few posts. Note to self: Pace yourself. Luckily, alliteration, the web comedian's best buddy, comes to the rescue, sort of.

Looking around the blogosphere, I see that the Cards have indeed inspired a rennaisance of creativity, especially Scott Spezio, who Faith and Fear call "that fucker with the landing strip on his chin" and My Summer Family call "ShitLip." Forget who this dingleberry* is?


Remember now?

How Orlando Left His Cane in the Dugout and Smothered the House of Cards

That's what last night's game would be called if it were a chick flick aimed at African-American women. Anyhow, the Mets cruised behind Old Duque who luckily, and unlike S. Green, still has some pop in his bat. Fans watching on mlbtv had to endure the dulcet tones and fake modesty of homer Joe Buck, who actually collected a (Fox Sports: fair and balanced) mothertrucking* World Series Ring (!), but those who persevered were rewarded by the knowledge that Jose Reyes on base=Jose Reyes scores run. That equation should be enough to let you sleep peacefully. I myself went away happy: Eckstein gets hit by a pitch, Orlando does not turn into pumpkin, Poopeyface scores great parking spot and retires Pooholes, Countrytime Lemon finally counts 123, Mets are undefeated. Doesn't get any better than that.

Tonight begins the period where the tossin' tots will be tested. Maine, Ollie P, and coming soon Pelfrey. (Note to Pelf: Dominate). I see a sweep here and then a nice, season-tone-establishing battle with Atlanta. Anyhow the Loopy train starts here.

Willie: "These are not the Roids you're looking for."

RE Willies post-game comments on SNY: " El Duque doesn't panic with men on base. He almost does it on purpose to lull you into a false sense of security. "

Yes, opponents, the Mets are so good, they make mistakes on purpose! That's it Willie, play those mindgames like a mother trucker.* Lesser managers like Tony LaRussa just need to shut the front door.*

-------------------------------------------------------------

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GO VOTE FOR MEX NOW!!

Projected Mets Record: 162-0


*language moderated in honor of wonderbread Midwesterners who might be reading.

Top 10 Things I Enjoy as Much as Watching David Eckstein

who is this kid?

I dislike David Eckstein. Admittedly, the Cards give us Mets fans a gallery of rougues to choose from, but I really hate the guy. Yadi Molina looks like a post-op alien of some kind. King Albert will eventually be caught with the juice. So I figure, aim my hate where it's most likely to really make a difference. David Eckstein, like a cut-rate Lenny Dykstra, if "Nails" chewed Big League Chew bubblegum instead of the real stuff--the stuff that rots your mouth out, gives you tongue cancer and makes your testicles shrink--like a real man does. And it's not really jealousy, or because he's such a scrappy competitor who enrages opponents with his hustle. I don't wish he was on my club.


He has taken what is not his

No, I really hate the player because he is a constant reminder of how the Mets should be the defending world champions. There, I said it. I mean, I didn't really like him BEFORE the Mets lost last year (I did, remember, think the Mets should plunk him as part of their playoff strategy), but now he is a member of the illegitimate defending world champions.

When I used to hate the Cards back in the 80s, I didn't hate them individually. I mean, how can you hate a guy like Vince Coleman, who can't get out of the way of a tarp? Nobody hates Ozzie Smith. And how can you hate the club that gives you Keith Hernandez, just cause he enjoyed a little recreational cocaine once in a while? (Actually I did hate grand-slam-hitting, post-world series-toilet smashing, coke freak Joaquin Andujar just a little bit.) And what ball club could have given the Red Sox a championship so graciously, if not one from the midwest, where they probably don't even lock their cars at night.

No... for David Eckstein, my hatred is pure...
So, here are 10 Things I Enjoy as Much as Watching David Eckstein play baseball

10. Flossing
9. Waiting to give BIG CABLE my mulah so I can watch tonight's game on the old color TV
8. "Bring a Gang Member to the Park" night at Dodger Stadium
7. Scoring tickets to Joe Buck-apaloozza
6. Watching El Duque do pregame outfield sprints
5. The authentic stylings of John Cougar, especially anything about trucks and my country
4. Cleaning Fran Healey's garage
3. Three words: Ralph Kiner Popsicles
2. Did I already say "flossing"? Uh, Doing my taxes
1. Naked pictures of Tsuyoshi Shinjo



Let's Go Mets!

Nothing Like an Opening Day Pummeling

Fredbird violates his parole again.

I admit, I was a bit worried about the Mets coming out flat, and during the game I fretted about the bullpen blowing a big lead. That would be demoralizing. Then I remembered that JackAss-olanternHead Looper is safely in the opposing rotation where he can do little direct damage to the Mets championship aspirations. Mets, 6-1, 12 hits, no errors. A smooth, almost flawless affair. Unless you count the post-game whining coming from the other dugout.

Super-genius-sleepy-rider-Tony LaRasshat commented that Beltran's throw was "kind of a foolish throw." [Side note: looking for an authentic Spanish speaker to tell me why ESPN's Jon Miller pronounces Beltran and Valentin the way he does. According to Wikipedia, "he tends to put the majority of emphasis on the "A" of Beltrán, as the accent denotes." Is this at all true?] Well, maybe but if Eckstein was as scrappy as advertised, shouldn't he have tried a hook slide or some other more intelligent way of getting that run scored? He probably decided to scrappily run through LoDuca. But Paul has put his shoulder into 18 year old girls with more body mass than that overrated little twerp. Sometimes, keeping it scrappy ends up deadly.

Some Metsfans are promoting the downloading and wearing of a Tony LaRassat mask, available here: Be Your Favorite Cardinal. I don't know about that plan, since the dude won't be able to see the fans through his shades, but the link is amusing. The best part is the instructions. apparently Cards fans need to be told to "trim eye holes so you won't miss a single moment of the game." I have heard this is in response to the number of injuries suffered by blinded St Louis bumpkins at the infamous "Mark McGuire Mask Day" in the 90s.

Game notes:

• This game really helped me get over the disappointment at the stunning lack of April Fool's Gags in the Mets Blogosphere. Sidd Finch, a nation turns its lonely eyes...
• Well, it was tough watching so many white people have to leave the park, golly gee wiz, so sad. Don't worry folks, American Idol and the US Elections are coming up, so you still have that!
• Looks like my tribute to Toothless paid off. Foregiveness is cool.
• LoDuca wins a little bit more of my heart, when he helps Beltran nail Eckstein at the plate in the sixth. Who doesn't love to see a scrappy little bastard (who tried to go through Paul instead of around the tag) get his comupance? Is that even how you spell comupance?
• Plays of the games: The Beltran throw and the Stash's diving grab (does Stash look a little, well, 'roided up to you?)
• Surprisingly, Tony LaRussa answered the bell for the in-game interview.
• I don't remember the Cards' defense being Soooo (Taguchi) bad.
• No appearances by Scott Spezio, always a plus. (CORRECTION: actually he pinch hit and I missed it. What color was his peach fuzz?)
• Countrytime Lemon best start delivering some 1-2-3's; he gives out hits like Grant Roberts.
• Joe Morgan uncorked a classic: "Offense is going to win you a lot of games." Yes it is, Joe, yes it is.
• Mets are still the better team. Tonight they were poised and pounced on all their opportunities.
• A sweep would be nice.

MLB-Big Cable negotiations go on into the night? I hope to wake up on Monday to some good news! [UPDATE: Nothing yet, but I feel good about this. What has the world come to when I thrill at the thought of tossing my cable company another 180 bucks?]

It's Reds For Me: Inaugural Post

So... I had this crazy dream last night: Rick Peterson (pitching coach of my old team the New York Mets) appeared, touched my shoulder and said:


"Ah, do you like flavored coffee? You know, like Taster's Choice and the like?"

"Pardon me? Um, yeah of course," I stammered.

Rick said, "Look, pal, it's like the hole in the bagel. Do you want to be the hole or the round part?"

Ick, I thought. "Rick, why is your hand on my shoulder?"

Lovingly, Rick said, "Huh?"

Farfalle started to rain from the sky. "I said, why are you touching me?"

"Oh, sorry. Anyway, like I was saying, I think it may be time for a change, time for a change, ..."

Owls, furry and intelligent looking, then proceeded to fly from under his mullet.

Lastings Milledge appeared wearing a Green Monster suit. This is going to get ugly, I gotta wake up, I thought.

So, the next part of my dream involved a hairless monkey, an unsigned emo band, and Christy Turlington wearing nothing but a squeezebox, but I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say it got increasingly bizarre. And then suddenly and inexplicably, like a Carlos Beltran bunt attempt, I was left with this image:

I awoke in a cold sweat. What could it mean? What should I do? I spent the next 10 minutes reflecting deeply about my life, my fandom, and my 25 year history as a Mets fan. The Mets were almost always lovable loosers, but now it seemed like they were America's favorites. And I was a mavarick. It just didn't add up, see?

Then I made a tremendous decision.






Look, fans, the truth is, I guess I never got over the heartbreak of loosing stud pitching prospect Scot Kazmir. I hereby announce that I passed waivers and will be re-assigned to a new team's fanbase. That team...?

The Cincinnati Reds.

I had a lot to do: get up to speed with my new team, study the roster, get to know the players and their stats, pick some new favorite players. I mean, I had been totally immersed in the New York Mets, updating my own blog for almost three years with premium content, even making helpful postings to others' blogs. I even decided I liked Hillary Swank the other day. Who the hell are the Reds rivals, anyway? The only thing I knew is that they let the fans run the team for a while over there. That, and I had a lot of content to crank out. Enjoy!





ItsRedsforme Interview:


I was excited to find out that my new team's personel are really approachable. I dialed up Red's manager, Jimmy, uh Narron, and he gave me an interview right on the spot. Here's some of the best parts:

Itsredsforme: How was camp this year and what did you like about it?

Narron: I liked from Day 1, that we had a lot of guys show up early, in shape and ready to play and ready to do their work. There were only two or three position guys that weren't here before the reporting date.

IRFM: Really, that's it? Pretty inspiring...NOT! Oh well, has the increased philosophy that stresses pitching and defense changed anything?

Narron: Not for me, it hasn't. We just haven't had the players here that do that. We had pretty much been a one-dimensional team. Over the last year, Brandon Phillips came in and was a very athletic guy. Josh Hamilton came in the winter and we already had Ryan Freel -- some very athletic guys. You have to have a combination of both. You can't be an all small-ball team or an all slug-it-out team. We're trying to do that.

IRFM: Geez, I've really never heard of any of those guys. So you feel like this team is more balanced than the one you had going into last year?

Narron: I really feel like we're moving in the right direction that way, yeah.

IRFM: You talked a lot about Aug. 24 last year when the club began fading and everything that went wrong after that. How much do you think the guys that returned have learned from last year?

Narron: I hope they learned a great deal. The big thing at that time is we lost [closer] Eddie Guardado. I think our team, psychologically, took a hit from that. We probably had some guys mentally and physically tired going into September. One thing about August last year is we had that one off-day in the middle of the month. It was a grinding month and it took a lot out of us. Hopefully, everybody learned from that. I'm going to try and make sure I keep guys rested, not only physically but mentally. Before the season last year, I was hoping to go into September with some meaningful games to play and we did.

IRFM: Oooh, meaningful games. I've heard that one before. Did knowing how close you guys came to getting to the playoffs linger with you personally over the winter?

Narron: Yeah, that's something we've talked about all along. Guys aren't going to realize or understand how important one pitch is until you end up going into late September with one game meaning something. You figure out you were one or two games from making the postseason and you look back at not only games, but a pitch here or a pitch there if you played it differently, or how you could have been locked in differently. As a pitcher, hitter or a fielder, you realize how important one pitch is over the course of a season.

IRFM: In your mind, what are the team's strengths that could make you a contender?

Narron: Bronson Arroyo and Aaron Harang at the top of the rotation. Our bullpen with some young guys and some veteran guys. There's a good mix there. A big key will be Dustin Hermanson, if he can close games for us. Kyle Lohse is another key in the middle of the rotation. Brandon Phillips, Alex Gonzalez and Ryan Freel in the middle of the field, defensively. Our defense automatically is better with those three guys. And Josh Hamilton has shown he can play center field. Every outfielder we've got has been a center fielder, so we have a lot of depth in center field.

IRFM: You really believe that? That's so... cute. You're kidding right? I've never heard of a single one of those guys. Well, hmm what did they tell me to ask. Oh right. This year, as with last year, it seems that your division is wide open. Does that give you more encouragement that the playoffs are there for the taking?

Narron: I think everybody here that was here a year ago knows that we can play with anybody. We're not going to be intimidated by anyone in our division. Our division, I think, is the most balanced in baseball. I know everybody is picking us fifth or sixth and I saw this (picks up a copy of the Sports Illustrated baseball preview off his desk). I think it's an outstanding division. Every game is usually close. We didn't miss the postseason by the way we played in our division. We missed it because of the way we played against the National League West in August and September.

IRFM: Do you use bad predictions or low expectations as a motivator? Do you like the underdog role?

Narron: I would rather have a $300 million payroll and be picked No. 1, personally (laughing). I could care less how they pick us. They're being objective and picking us on what they see. There's a lot to this game over 162 days. There are a lot of intangibles involved. I know we'll do everything we can do to get 25 guys to work at it, play the game the right way and play it hard. If we can't get 25, we'll get 24. If we can't get 24, we'll get 23.

IRFM: I can see you like talking about numbers a lot. Was having 140 different lineups last season out of necessity because of changes, injuries and having interchangeable or versatile players?

Narron: It was definitely out of necessity. It wasn't that I was trying to do anything special, believe me. I would love to have the same eight guys in there and just write down a different pitcher every night. Players like to know their roles and how they're going to be used. I think they do best when they don't have to worry about being in the lineup or how they're going to be used.

IRFM: Do you feel like the 3-4-5 spots of the rotation will pick you up?

Narron: For us to be a contending team, they have to pick us up. It's as simple as that.

IRFM: If they don't, does Homer Simpson get called up?

Narron: Homer Bailey?

IRFM: Right, Homer Bailey.

Narron: He has to pitch better than he did this spring. We all want Homer to come here and be a Cy Young Award winner. This spring, he pitched about three times. He's going to go to the Minor Leagues and hopefully, he can make some adjustments, get better and be here. If it's May 1, that would be great. If it's May 1, 2008 or '09, that would be great. We want the best for Homer Bailey.

IRFM: How is Pete Rose looking this spri--Sorry, I have to take this call. Thanks for the time.
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Junior collapsed in a heap of bones after letting Pres. Bush handle his stick


Top Ten Ken Griffey Jr. Injuries

10. Fell over a chalk line
9. Got the Froot Loops roof of mouth scratchies
8. Two words: Buggy eye
7. Rake-related gardening nose injury
6. Spinal rhinoceritis
5. Hometown discount shingles
4. The heebie-jeebies
3. While on holiday in the Bahamas with his family he broke his wrist. He said he was wrestling with his daughter and two younger sons when the oldest jumped in and knocked him off balance, he landed awkwardly on his left hand.
2. Real bad case of Coutlangus
1. Because Wandy Rodriguez sucks.
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Who is a more awesome Reds relief pitcher?
	Mike Stanton
	David Weathers
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Hanging with...Marge Schott!



IRFM: Hi, Ms. Schott, thanks so much for agreeing to meet with me on short notice. What are you up to these days? Are you out on bail?
MS: What's with the earing in your ear, you some kind of fruit?
IRFM: No, I just like to express myself. Tell me, what are your feelings about MLB commissioner Bud Selig? He's been a controversial figure lately as he has insisted on taking out of market access to televised games away from baseball's most avid fans. You were a fan-friendly and controversial owner in your time, so I thought you might have some thoughts.
MS: Well, Bud Selig was initially good for baseball, but he went too far.
IRFM: That reminds me, Ms. Schott, how's the Hitler thing going for you?
MS: You know, I'm getting really steamed about that Ken Griffey guy, I'm paying that guy 4 million dollars to sit on his butt!
IRFM: Well I may be mistaken, but I think he's back on the field. And he makes a bit more than that. Um, that's all the time we have today. Thanks.
MS: Seig Heil!
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When was Rheal Cormier born?
	1857
	1967
	1918
	1945
	Yesterday
	1983
	1972
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Well that's all for today! It's opening day! Woot!

LET'S GO REDS!