Top 10 Names Parents of Mets' New Third Base Coach Considered and Rejected

Item: Someone named Razor Shines was for some reason* hired to replace dreadful Mets third base coach Luis Aguayo.

10. Blade Shimmeys
9. Balzac Akes
8. Sidd Finch
7. Rip Torne
6. Tobacco Spits
5. Barack Obama
4. Crotch Grasps
3. Hyundai Stalls
2. Mookie Shines
1. Derek Jeter Sucks


(I know, I know, everyone did their Razor Shines bits a few months ago, and this isn't even the best Razor related top ten list out there. But history demands that I recognize this historic moment.)

*perhaps his resemblence to ex-Met great, Bobby Bonnilla?

***

Aaron Heilman to Mets: "Start me or trade me."
Mets and fans to Aaron Heilman: "Bite me."


Heilman plays his last card.


At least, that's how the exchange should go. However, the diabolical Heilman seems to have a new strategy to somehow not go away. Not only will he not go away, he is still demanding stuff, though now he wants stuff a bit more consequential than a better place to park his Subaru in Florida. I once smashed my way out of a dishwashing job into a (supposedly) better job waiting tables, so I fully recognize Heilman's strategy: be so awful at your job that a promotion is the only available recourse for your employer.

How do we feel about this? Perhaps not as disappointed as the young fan pictured above who won a contest only to have Aaron Heilman park his sorry ass in the kid's living room (sheesh, what did the loser get?), but still. We are not happy. The main, not the only, but the main expected symbol of progress this off-season was to be the expulsion of the Poopeyface Parkingplace from our beloved bullpen. To never see his hang dog look in orange and blue again, that was to be our reward for suffering through last season's malaise of mediocrity.

I want him gone, as in gone goodbye.

***

The media mumbo jumbo surrounding this year's hot stove has some commentators chasing their tails. And this year, even the players are getting into the act, just making shit up for the reporters to publish, apparently just for kicks. I would have expected a few relief arms to be in the stable by now, but I am zen, the kind of zen that can only be achieved after three miserable gut-busting, head-exploding, failures in a row. It's not that I don't care, its just that I care less. I have finally got it through my thick skull that signing or otherwise acquiring the best player available every off-season isn't much help when your management has no organizational plan or vision. But it sure will be fun to watch Fernando Tatis regress next year, won't it?

***

It's day 25 of the Orlando Hernandez Free-Agency campaign. Do you know where your GM is?
The tension is palpable.