It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Top 10 Names Parents of Mets' New Third Base Coach Considered and Rejected

Item: Someone named Razor Shines was for some reason* hired to replace dreadful Mets third base coach Luis Aguayo.

10. Blade Shimmeys
9. Balzac Akes
8. Sidd Finch
7. Rip Torne
6. Tobacco Spits
5. Barack Obama
4. Crotch Grasps
3. Hyundai Stalls
2. Mookie Shines
1. Derek Jeter Sucks

(I know, I know, everyone did their Razor Shines bits a few months ago, and this isn't even the best Razor related top ten list out there. But history demands that I recognize this historic moment.)

*perhaps his resemblence to ex-Met great, Bobby Bonnilla?


Aaron Heilman to Mets: "Start me or trade me."
Mets and fans to Aaron Heilman: "Bite me."
Heilman plays his last card.

At least, that's how the exchange should go. However, the diabolical Heilman seems to have a new strategy to somehow not go away. Not only will he not go away, he is still demanding stuff, though now he wants stuff a bit more consequential than a better place to park his Subaru in Florida. I once smashed my way out of a dishwashing job into a (supposedly) better job waiting tables, so I fully recognize Heilman's strategy: be so awful at your job that a promotion is the only available recourse for your employer.

How do we feel about this? Perhaps not as disappointed as the young fan pictured above who won a contest only to have Aaron Heilman park his sorry ass in the kid's living room (sheesh, what did the loser get?), but still. We are not happy. The main, not the only, but the main expected symbol of progress this off-season was to be the expulsion of the Poopeyface Parkingplace from our beloved bullpen. To never see his hang dog look in orange and blue again, that was to be our reward for suffering through last season's malaise of mediocrity.

I want him gone, as in gone goodbye.


The media mumbo jumbo surrounding this year's hot stove has some commentators chasing their tails. And this year, even the players are getting into the act, just making shit up for the reporters to publish, apparently just for kicks. I would have expected a few relief arms to be in the stable by now, but I am zen, the kind of zen that can only be achieved after three miserable gut-busting, head-exploding, failures in a row. It's not that I don't care, its just that I care less. I have finally got it through my thick skull that signing or otherwise acquiring the best player available every off-season isn't much help when your management has no organizational plan or vision. But it sure will be fun to watch Fernando Tatis regress next year, won't it?


It's day 25 of the Orlando Hernandez Free-Agency campaign. Do you know where your GM is?
The tension is palpable.

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  • At 2:44 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    IMFM--I am completely and inutterably indifferent. Is that zen? I hope so.

    Things I hate about Heilman:

    He makes a little "O" with his mouth while waiting for a sign. What do you think hitters think about that. He looks like a d-bag.

    He wears skin tight pants. Does he think he haqs a nice ass?

    He has a lousy move to first.

    He has been here forever. He appeared in far too many games.

    He cannot bunt anyone over.

    He sucks.

  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    Jdon, Jonathon Papelbon makes that same stupid face when HE pitches, but it seems to work better for him.

  • At 8:19 PM, Anonymous cver said…

    Here's an 11th entry for your top 10 list - Willie Randolph! Shit, this could be a god-awful season. It is sick that Citibank will probably end up with a 300 billion dollar bailout by the time it is all said and done (yes, for real - that's the talk) and in the end, you know what? Between them and the Mets, they will finally under the heavy pressure have to call that naming deal quits - you heard it here first. How bad would it look for Citibank, The NY Mets and the US Government (not only the taxpayers of NY State, City of NY, etc. paying for the stadium itself)to say "a deal is a deal no matter what - acute national crisis or not" and make the US taxpayers finance the naming rights for the new Mets stadium. It is a scandal of the highest proportions that this deal wasn't cancelled before today. People don't yet realize how much money Citibank will need, but there's no way they can afford to pay the Wilpons, so they can sign players or pocket the money. It's the usual BS of playing "God Bless America" and wearing the flag lapels, but when it's time to really do something for your country, you only do so (AND THEY WILL!) when the PR and public pressure get to be too much.

  • At 10:51 PM, Anonymous cver said…

    Hey IMFM, did anybody ever win that DVD? Maybe Hotfoot needs a bailout, too:)

  • At 12:37 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    I consider myself pretty troubled, but even i never noticed:
    "He wears skin tight pants. Does he think he haqs a nice ass?"

    Yeah, i assumed you won the dvd Cver. Maybe it got lost in the bunker mail?

    Silverado Savings and Loan Field, anyone?

    This just in: Poopy face has been offered to the cRockies for a humidor and one of old sweaters!!

    Or you can take Joel Sherman's interpretation of it from his blog


    "Right after the Rockies obtained Huston Street from the A's as part of the Matt Holliday deal, the Mets New York Mets called and offered Aaron Heilman Aaron Heilman for the righty. Colorado countered by saying it would do a trade if the Mets sweetened the offer by making it Heilman and Pedro Feliciano Pedro Feliciano , since the Rockies are hungry to add a lefty reliever. The Mets refused. But they know that deal is out there if they need to come back to it. What I find interesting is that the more I talk to Met officials the more I sense they want to use Street as the eighth-inning guy and still obtain a closer such as Brian Fuentes or Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets recognize they do not just have a ninth-inning problem, but that their whole late-inning contingent was troublesome. Also, they recognized last year that when Billy Wagner Billy Wagner went down they had no one else to trust in the ninth inning. So if they were able to get Street to be their eighth-inning man, the Mets would know they had a legitimate closer replacement should something happen to their actual closer."

    Wha?? Pedreadful and Poopeyface and they said no? AAaarrgh!

  • At 12:39 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    ahem, should read:
    "a humidor and one of Denny Neagle's old sweaters!!


  • At 1:08 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    Old news, but i'm sorry, this one's deep in "are you fcking kidding me" territory:

    "Some team officials have linked the bullpen’s troubles to Wagner’s injury and suggested their other relievers will rebound once they return to more familiar, less prominent roles next season."

    Heilman, Scott Schoeneweis, Sánchez and friends have to go.

  • At 2:35 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    Feliciano still has his moments - not sure if including him should have been a deal-breaker or not. Huston Street had some rough patches too, right? Part of me would be inclined not to include Feliciano, but another part of me would be considering it a Feliciano for Street trade with Heilman thrown in - sort of, anything to get rid of Heilman. The big question is "does Heilman have any trade value?". There is reportedly some interest. Considering how in-demand starters are - walking and breathing - Heilman might have some value with the "potential factor" and "past triumphs" thrown into the mix. He might very well be good (as I've said, Dave Duncan will "fix him" like Loop), so to just give him away might not be smart, but we need to get rid of him IMO. Besides the fact that we never want to see this guy in Orange and Blue again, if he really stinks it up again and gets the shit booed out of him at Shitty right out of the gate, any trade leverage we might have on him will plummet.

  • At 2:44 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    I now it is disturbing, but I could not help it. I was tired of seeing this lumpy loser in really tight pants from the center field camera. It was, like: is there no self awareness anymore?

  • At 2:46 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    p.s. I do not really like Feliciano. Trade him,. whatever. But you have to get rid of Shitweiss too, so no lefty reliever. You do not take Roberto Rincon seriously, do you? We have to go get one.

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger metsfanincincy said…

    Clearly, I am in a small minority here, but I like Aaron Heilman. He has nasty stuff and, at times, has carried the bullpen (albeit not in 2008 - when he was playing hurt). He will, in all probability, return to form next season. All that being said, Heilman and Feliciano for Street should have been done. Feliciano has thrown way too many innings and was exposed. He's not fooling too many hitters anymore and has become just another LOOGY. He will never be a premier bullpen arm again. The Mets need a closer and at least two other quality arms. Street could have been one of them. If they're not going to trade Heilman then let him start. At least he'll only get booed once every five days if he doesn't return to a serviceable form.

  • At 6:25 PM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    Cincy, we love dissent around here, but mainly I will bear your luv for Heilman because of your description of Feliciano. He is not fooling anyone. I say we send him to Pittsburgh with a note tied around his neck, complements of NY. Hell I hear they are signing guys from India who don't even play baseball so they'll find a place for him.

    To add to Jdon's efforts...

    More reasons to hate Heilman:

    doesn't separate his recyclables
    cover hog
    his pancakes suck
    takes calls on the treadmill
    lazy eye
    does separate his recyclables
    lead foot
    likes indy movies
    tracks mud in the house
    80s hair
    close talker

  • At 11:33 PM, Anonymous cver said…

    HAPPY Turkey Day to all of the IMFM GANG!!


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