It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Winning is so Zzzzzzzz!

He's still got it!

Today, I missed my first game of the season. Traveling in Asia, 3000 miles away from the action , I am prone to falling asleep for a little nap, only to wake up seemingly days later, groggy and disoriented. Put it like this: I think one of Arod's mannish dates could take advantage of me in this state.

I did, however catch the Mets punching Armando Benitez' ticket out of San Fransisco the other day. What can you say about a boy like Armando? And today's rubber game from what I heard was neat and clean, and not too exciting. Belty went down with a phantom knee injury. Well, it's never a good thing when the Bunter has lower body injuries, but hell, the Mets will plug someone in out there and continue their merry ways it seems. Nothing to loose sleep ov-ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Effects of Travel and Jet Lag on novelty blogging, part I

So yesterday, or whenever, I'm reading the story of A-rod's latest entry into the diary of dishonor. Jesus, his number really is 13. Perfect material for a snarky semi-coherent top ten list I think.

The setup: Yankees winning, 7-5, two out and two on, top of the ninth. Jorge Posada pops up to third. Howie Clark camps under it. Rodriguez trots by and yells “Ha!” (according to him). Clark thinks it’s the shortstop, John McDonald, calling for the ball. He backs off, the ball drops to the turf, the inning continues, and the Yankees score three more runs.
Time for the assertion that has dogged A-Rod since he came to New York: that he is not a true Yankee.

“I haven’t been in the game that long,” said Gibbons, who was playing in the majors when Rodriguez was eight years old. “Maybe I’m naïve. But, to me, it’s bush league. One thing, to everybody in this business, you always look at the Yankees and they do things right. They play hard, class operation, that’s what the Yanks are known for. That’s not Yankee baseball.”
I asked Alex what his intention was, and he said, “To win a game. We’re desperate.” Later, he said, “I didn’t know what my intention was.” (I also asked Derek Jeter for his opinion on the play, and he wanted no part of the question.)

I read some tabloid crap about how manly the women Slappy McPayRod keeps company with for inspiration and I start kicking some ideas around...

Top Ten Previous Arod Pranks

10. Cutting Jeter’s hair, telling him it looks good
9. Yells “Ha” in a crowded theater
8. Draws mustache, cigar, top hat and wacky tongue on “Yankee’s baseball”
7. Asks for $252 million as contract; Tom Hicks doesn't realize he's kidding
6. Pays child to run across Newberry Street in Yankees gear
5. Kills Nicole Brown Simpson, makes attempts on Jessica Simpson’s lifeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

If only I had Arod to slap me awake.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Gone Fishin' with Orlando

Orlando, FL locator map

Marlin: (n.) Any of several large game fishes of the genera Makaira and Tetrapturus of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, having an elongated, spearlike upper jaw.

Florida Marlins: A second tier major league baseball team that occasionally wins a World Series, but is mainly an excellent trading partner. Can be counted on to make that late inning error that revives your lackluster team.

What a game! Mainstays not running out balls, offensive anemia, this one had it all! There is really only one thing to say about the Mets starting pitching: Orlando Hernandez is Magic! The offense, well it was offensive for most of the game. But thankfully for the Mets, the game got Uggla, Dan Uggla. Poopeyface lets us down again, but without Buntran's adventures in the outfield, maybe it wouldn't a been so bad. And with the Br*ves playing a team that was not the Mets, you know we had a chance to gain a game in the standings with the slightest effort. With John Franco, er, Billy Wagner getting his work in in the ninth, we kept our eyes glued to the game.

Gomez gets the Green light
It looks like we'll be seeing some more of Carlos Gomez. And some better outfield defense because Shawn Green broke his foot last night when he pounded a ball off of it in the fifth innning. I can't help but think of tag team wrestling team "The Elders" with Old Man Moises just coming over the ropes, as Green slaps his hand and drags his sorry ass out of the ring. Ollie Perez's luck should hold up with the Gomez, Buntran, Endy outfield, but David Newhan as fourth outfielder is as alluring an idea as Taco Bell's "fourthmeal." Will Gomez be able to step up and provide the bat Green has? Since Green has reinvented himself as a spray hitter, I say...perhaps. Perhaps the crack in Green's foot will be like playingtime crack for Gomez. We heart Gomez in any event. That dude is fast.

Indeed the grandpa's are all starting to get healthy, as Jose Valentin reportedly somehow nears readiness. With Valentine's return the Mets will certainly shore up their interior defense while improving their bench by sending the Easlinator back there. You have to like that.

Pedro is Roger Clemens' Daddy
According to Steve Popper, Pedro Martinez has not forgotten how great he is. Apparently, Petey was watching Clemens minor league start on ESPN, instead of his own team's game, and has reason to feel smug.

"Without a doubt I can do that and probably even better, at this point. I can probably throw as hard, maybe harder. I feel like I'm in better condition."

Try not to swoon when you read Pedro's following comments:

"If you ask me, I don't have any doubts. I will be [throwing] in the mid-90s again, without a doubt. I can tell you if I continue to feel the way I have ... I only felt that back in those days -- '96, '97, '98. Those are the only days that I felt that. That's when I could shoot a ball. Pick it up and just shoot it, without any hesitation, without anything to think about. That's how good I feel now."

A healthy Pedro in August would be like a rainbow when it ain't even raining. Or something.

Trivial Met-ters
Who not only hit 34 homeruns for the Mets in their first season, but also got hit by pitches twice in one inning?

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mets Have Wright to Umplain*

I considered typing this post in braille, so the umpiring crew from last night could enjoy it too.

It is no surprise that Tom Glavine did not have what it takes to beat the Br*ves; he never has and probably never will. And it isn't a wonder that John Smoltz had a gay old time against the toothless Mets, either. The real story last night was the (ch)umps. Blame the refs you say? That's a lame strategy you say. Well normally blaming the umps isn't my go-to move, but this game screams for retribution. In fact, I watched the game under protest. And I'm sure the MLB administration will answer my letter as soon as they get around to answering my DirecTV letter of complaint.

This umpiring crew, who shall go unnamed, is like a Mets Rouges Gallery. But they were beyond bad last night. Balls, strikes, pick offs, punch outs, they flubbed it all. I bet they didn't even dust off homeplate. It was enough to piss off the Pope. It is unbelievable that they get away with it. As John Smoltz might say, "what's next, marrying an animal?"

I used to joke about whether Willie was paying attention to the game, but now I am seriously wondering. I disagree wholeheartedly with anyone who thinks Willie should have sat on his sub loving hands last night. Whatever one's position on the usefulness of arguing, no one really knows what impact it has on the game. But these guys get paid like entertainers, do drugs like entertainers, so...entertain us at least for the love of Mookie!

However, I was flabergasted to find that some people find the idea of Willie going out and fighting for his team as bizzare and troubling as Ronnie James Dio singing the theme song for Batman.

It's just my opinion, but in this case the argument for Willie arguing is much stronger than usual. Who knows for sure? No one. And while it is debatable and ultimately unprovable how much of an impact the umps had, but cmon, bases loaded in a low scoring game against our most hated rivals with the Mets best guy up there, and he gets rung up by a shitty and totally unnecessary call? If that's not a game breaker for you, than pass the doobie brother. Did the Mets loose the game for other reasons? Sure, but that's besides the point--they had the GREAT SATAN on the ropes and the umps jumped in between.

As I said last night to no one in particular, that shit happens to the Br*ves and Bobby Cox is out there as fast as his 79 year old hips will carry him. Why does he do it? I imagine a shrewd manager who goes balistic on an obviously flubbed call is not only firing up his team, but putting social pressure on the ump in front of thousands of fans to make the next call in his team's favor; by the way, there was an opportunity for payback in this game.

As for the argument that Willie needs to keep his composure if he wants to impersonate the manager of a first place team, I say nonsense. If Willie lays down, shows no passion, and stays in the dugout like a scared rabbit, if he is the true leader of the squad, you have to think that perhaps they will follow his lead. David Wright obviously was passionate about the call, at least. And if Willie is going to continue to make questionable tactical decisions (batting Franco, not calling for a bunt), than some would argue he needs to get his WWF on and do something to help his team, like protect Wright, who obviously had no compunction about showing passion, after that horrendous call.

Plus as other commentators over at Metsblog for instance have noted, Willie gets tossed and you get the added bonus of the chance Manuel bats the Easlinator instead of the Retiree in the key spot.

The result of last night's game? Well, the Mets are still in first. They are in first while the entire team seemingly slumps. And though I feel that the Mets should never ever have Tom Glavine start against the Br*ves, he did only allow two runs. But you have to assume that the Br*ves know they can beat the Mets in any series, and that confidence can't hurt them at all.

Oh well, the Mets take on the Marlins tonight. Here, fishy fishy.

* title courtesy of Mr. Cver, now playing at a theater nowhere near you.

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Itsmetsforme's "It Takes A Milledge" Campaign

It's time. Time to alienate my few readers? No. Well maybe. No, it's time to stand up and be counted. The NY media is trying to destroy the Mets once and future prince, Lastings Milledge. And I don't think this is such a great idea.

Replace the "v" with an "m" and the "a" with an "ed" and there you have it.

A manifesto:

In these exciting but dangerous times, what we Mets fans need is a little perspective. Yes, we're winning again and things are good. But let's not let the big Omar Kool Aid mustache we have cloud our sober judgement as to the furture. And lets not make tortured Kool Aid metaphors if we can help it.

As Mike of the Metropolitans and so many many others have recently noted, Lastings really isn't a bad kid, not on the level of an Elija Dukes. He never denied dinosaurs. He never sprayed bleach. He never went into 'operation shutdown.' He never threw a bat at an umpire, even if they had it coming. There are no reports of him anywhere near fireworks. And word is, Shawn Green is considering one of Lasting's rap songs for his new at-bat theme.

The media "theme" lately (repeated by the big apple beat, and the out of town saps that broadcast enemy teams) is that players such as Carlos Gomez have vaulted LM on the depth chart and now some, like Jim Callis, are even callously saying LM is now expendable. This, my friends, is self-destructive silly talk. LM must be allowed to develop into either a ML all-star, or a valuable trade piece; any other path is the path of ruin and disrepute.


Q: I'm more old school, Chuck-D/Public Enemy kind of rap fan, you know, keeping it real with a positive message; should I still support LM's career?
A: Of course, LM sends a positive message to the fans, for example by slapping their hands after a big homerun.

Q:Do you have to dislike Carlos Gomez to heart Milledge?
A: No, I love Carlos, and I still have enough aorta to heart LM. Besides if the Mets cut bait on LM, where will his parents park their R.V.?

Q: I resent other Mets fans who are so protective of their prospects, they think they all fart gold dust. Why should I support your cause?
A: No matter what your perspective, running down a Mets prospect never led to any good. While puffing up a Mets prospect has led to good for the Mets. Just ask the current Florida Marlins GM.

Q: Ok, I see the logic of your position, but...what about that note that Billy Wagner left at LM's locker, "Know your place, Rook"?
A: Billy is from the American South, and of course did not receive the best primary education. What the note really said was "I don't no where yer place is Rook --> (on the back it continued)so how can I come to your birtday party?" Billy's spelling, the messy crayon he used, and the vast media conspiracy led to this note being misquoted in all major media outlets, unfortunately. Rook is an affectionate nickname for LM. No worries.

The truth is, not all three of the Mets uber-outfield prospects will pan out and be big league viable, so why prejudice the competition now? As acting Mayor of Metsville, I hearby call off the parade to run LM out of town. Folks, remember, to build a sucessful Mets future, "It takes a Milledge" (tm).

Who's with me?


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

"That's another fine mess you HAVEN'T gotten us in to, Ollie!"*

shhh...the Mets have a secret weapon the stole from some pirates!

What can you say about a pitcher like Ollie By Golly (6-3)? It's beginning to seem like the Turner graveyard is blossoming into the Oliver's Garden! At least for Br*ve-Killa O.P. And the Mets made "(I'm) Chuck James (their) Bitch!" Hugs all around. Except to Alyssa Milano, who has not replied to my overtures.

Here is my latest post on her "blog," in case she censors me again, then I can repost it. I posted on Alyssa's post on steroids.

"Alyssa, where's the love for me, itsmetsforme?I think all your readers are dying to hear your answers to my challenge. I mean, I am chafed, but idealism becomes a slave, lol.
Now I gotta tell you guys, a big hug to the first one who can tell me what Giambi admitted or owned up to. Done rereading the story? I'll tell you: absolutely nothing. So please, stop it with the nonsense, he said "stuff" and admitted nothing. Plus, he knows that reports of him failing am amphetimines test are coming out.There are plenty of people that deserve to be valorized, you bozos, this guy ain't one of them. Find a real hero, like a teacher or a social worker or an actress! This totally chafes me."

Beating the Cousin-Kissers in their lair is always a pleasure, but I believe watching Larry Jones flail away helplessly at Joe Smith's offereings was my favorite moment of the game. Let me think...was Andruwu Jones beaned in the head tonight? No? Then that was my favorite moment for sure. When I'm happy, I talk about hugs a lot.

I don't know who Vance Lovelace is, but I'm guessing he is one crazy, troubled bastard.

According to reports the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' rookie Elijah Dukes is having some "domestic" difficulties:

Dukes has a history of problems on and off the field, including an arrest in January on a marijuana possession charge. A tumultuous season at Triple-A Durham in 2006 ended with him being suspended for the final 30 games.

The product of Tampa Hillsborough, the same high school that sent Dwight Gooden, Gary Sheffied, Vance Lovelace and Carl Everett to the majors, reported to spring training eager to leave his troubles behind.

The Drays manager Joe Maddon, who always looks to me like he should be staring in a late 1950's sitcom (I do watch the occasional Rays game, there's this pitcher I follow), well he thought it best that Dukes sit out a bit. Is it time for the folks at Tampa Hillsborough High to look into hiring a guidance counciler?

Today's "Ya gotta Be Sharp" Pop Quiz:

What two pitchers did the Mets trade in 1983 to St. Louis to get Keith Hernandez?

For this new feature, I will astound and/or annoy you with trivia questions to help build all of our Met knowledge bases up, but also to help me get over Alyanno heartbreak. I still need to come up with a catchy title...does anyone know of a word that rhymes with "(be)lieve" and means guess or answer correctly or be, like, really smart or something?

*title concocted by Mr. Cver, from undisclosed location

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Sunday, May 20, 2007

It's a Freak Schoe--Spanked by the Yanks

I am not amused.

Tyler Clippard sends his regards. Sweet dreams.

That pitcher was one ugly dude, that's what the picture means, OK? Espn (which i will not speak of again) close-ups revealed that Clippard was either coming off a 3 yr. steroid bender, or just narrowly survived puberty. Ugly or not, the Yanks rook decidedly did not know his place and, with a little help from his devastating curveball and his friend the umpire, he clipped the Mets sweep dreams. I wonder if he dedicated his win to new media darling and performance enhancement doyen Jason Giambi, who has to be MLB history's most celebrated non-confessor.

Virtually unaccosted by the Mets top of the order, the Yankme Clipper sailed through 6 innings, especially when the Mets let him off the hook and out of a drunken sack situation in the early goings. Clipboard flat out abused Jose Reyes, who flailed away on an 0 fer 4, leaving the pinata of 5 men on base dangling without extracting any candy whatsoever. No, no candy for you. The Mets starter was Mainely done in by a souless-Johnny Traitor blooper that fell in front of the Bad Shawn Green, who patrols rightfield like the LAPD patrols South Central, showing up only when a brutal beating is about to commence. While there were questions after the game as to why Green continues to play too deep, no one dare ask why he doesn't try using his hat to make catches. Or maybe just use a really big glove. Long story short, Maine and the pen then gave up homeruns to every known Met enemy not named Jones, Molina or Burrell. Clipart then finished his dirty deeds in the 6th by vicously doubling off persona-non-Meta Scott Schoeneweis, about whom we shall say a few words presently.

The coping mechanism of inventing elaborate nicknames for "Freak" Schoeneweis aside, there is little that is amusing in the realization that the pitcher Omar invested so much dough in is thus far a no-Show. It does not amuse me to see the pitching equivilant of a white flag raised by the Sterling Inc. powers that be, especially not on the day before an off-day, when I must stew and rue the results of a Met loss. I think Torre may well have called in a favor from his Eat Fresh buddy and will leave it at that. No matter, we have taken 2 out of 3 and some of their dignity, and the Klansmen are up next, so no dwelling on this loss.

Pledge drive

Subscribers making comments will not receive the items in these pictures.

I thought some time ago of the idea of having a pledge drive, not for money, just for comments. That's right, the comment section is looking a bit like the Coalition of the Willing these days, a graveyard that is only nominally what it pretends to be. I gave up on the pledge rive idea as too juvenille and needy, even for the low standards I have established here, and turned my hopeful gaze to a second idea. I would turn itsmetsforme into a pay porn site! But alas, I am told that the type of filth I planned to offer is not legal, and punishable by death in some states. Plus, then what would I fill Jose's column with?

Of course there are some stalwart souls, blindingly intelligent, most likely extremely attractive to the members of the sex that they pursue, and well-bred, that will leave commentary from time to time. But is it fair to leave the task of commenting to these captains of industry, fair to ask these champions of the downtrodden to take that much more time out of their days just so you can free ride on this humble blog's meager entertainment offerings? Is it fair to ask these ubermenches and menchettes to look away from promoting nuclear non-proliferation, solving world hunger, and ending male pattern baldness, all because you don't have the time to pass a simple comment verification test and say a little "hello"? No, gentle reader, I submit to you it is not.

I briefly considered a hunger strike, but oh that would make you happy wouldn't it, you non-commentators? More food for you! No, I'm still wrestling with what threats to make. But I will be making them if you don't make a comment right now. Stay tuned.

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Endy and Ollie Lead to Yanks Folly *

I sure am disappointed by the Yankees decision not to pitch Wang this Sunday. Partially because it means the Mets will have to face an unknown, unheralded pitcher. But mostly because I went through the trouble to kick it Chinese with my trash talk, tailoring a message especially for the Yankers' Taiwanese Tosser.



So there!

Oh well. If this thus far fantasy weekend continues to go as I have planned it, then I'll be sitting in a hottub by Sunday night with Keith Hernandez and some thick-skinned female trainers/super models, smoking cigars, and listening to Darryl Strawberry stories.

So to recap, deprived by Mother Nature of the natural pleasure of having the Red Sox simultaneously pummel the Br*ves, we had to settle for more Endy heroics. Ollie continues to develop, by golly, and Carlos Gomez is bringing a certain electricity to the error, er, air at Shea. So far, all readings of the Bronx Barameters point to the coming Mets shitstorm--a first place cushion in the NL East, and the continued flight to MLB irrelevance for the Yankees. Fairweather fans, the great undecided voter of baseball fandom, well, they need to start trading in their Yankee caps for Joe Smith jerseys because you don't want to be on the wrong side of a trend, right? I know the series ain't over yet, but one team can be the Toast of Gotham (!), and the other has to be Gotham's toast. It's only fair.

Well, by now we all know Lasting Milledge knows your place, especially if you be a ho or a b****.

Would that Mets management had started their campaign against bad music just one season earlier, "Our team. Our time" would just be a memory of a lousy two sentence team slogan, not a horrific aural nightmare. "We disapprove of the content, language and message of this recording, which does not represent the views of the New York Mets," indeed.

While Ron Darling is most likely not being fired as an "internet rumor" had it, let's take a moment to rejoice in the actual memory of Fran Healy and his campaign against the English language (not to be confused with John Rocker's campaign for the English language) being retired. Many point to the signing of Pedro Martinez as the key to the Mets renaissance, but we all know putting the Fran out to pasture was really how the Mets product turned the corner. I can't help gushing like a fanboy everytime I think of the new broadcast team.

Now to get ready for today's game, broadcast by Fux Network, which has quitely done for professional sports what it has done for political discourse in America. How long they can cover their crimes with broadcasts of the Simpsons and Family Guy is anyone's guess, but at least Fux has finally realized that the West coast deserves its Mets-Yanks series too, and will supposedly be throwing me a bone here in LA this afternoon. I have to go watch the Sawx pound on Atlanta into second place now (Boston up 3-0 in the bottom of the second--save some runs for the second game boys!).

Let's Go Mets!

*title courtesy of metsfan Cver, issued from undisclosed European location

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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Delga-Does it!!

Ct. Red Ass, We have a job for you!

Get-away day featured Willie trotting out a line-up as lazy as Aramis Ramirez. Surprised not to see Joe McEeewing in left field, or Greg McMicheal somewhere, I settled down into my couch thrilled at the prospects of an afternoon of watching Julio Franco, the at-bat black hole, stubbornly swinging his two-by-four bat, like a senior unwilling to give up their driver's licence. Until the ninth, the only thrill was the spectacle of David Newhan collecting his forth hit of the season (!)

But then after an unexpected Vargas meltdown, the Mets were looking down the barrel of a B-team loss, and I started to question the wisdom of Willie subbing out the entire team. Newhan and Carlos Gomez, who reminds me of Carlos Beltran, showed some 9th inning poise and started the ball rolling, and next thing you know, Big Carlos is up at bat in another bases loaded walk off situation. Yippee and the Br*ves lost too. I am really hoping all this walking off gets Delgado's jets running, because I really like him and want to have some nice memories of his Met tenure. All and all, a nice setting for the Subway series if you ask me. The Bronx Barometers will give us a sense of where this season is heading...a sweep would solidify the slight lead in the NL east, and demoralize the spankies a bit more. I'm just saying.


Lastings, just chillin'

Now I'm a four tool blogger--overactive sense of irony, questionable sense of public responsibility, poor time-management, combined with delusions of authority. But I refuse to give the latest Lastings Milledge "controversy" more than a mini-paragraph of my time. Gary, who I love normally, effectively pilled on Lastings during the 4th inning, calling rap-gate another "mis-step." It is a shame to watch this kid have his Met career constantly derailed by silly bullshit, and at times thinly-veiled racism, while sex offenders like Ramon Castro and Mike deFelice pass under the radar. The media links off the season crap with Lastings career progress, but Milledge wasn't passed by by Gomez, he's injured, on the shelf and you "can't make the big club in the tub" as Ron Darling says. Anyhow, Milledge said the track, a bonus cut on the cd, wasn't supposed to be released publicly. I care about that as much as I care about Puff Daddy. Hopefully Omar and the Mets won't be foolish, and let this talent slip away without giving him a chance to patrol the Met outfield for a few years. Scott K*zmir's have been traded for less.

Looking at the offerings in front of the world wide leader iron pay curtain, there are a few articles of note for metsies lately. First, Jerry Crasnick says we can pat ourselves on the back again for not falling for the Barry Zito pyramid scheme. Barry, or as Crasnick calls him, "a budding Jamie Moyer," is sporting a 3-4 record and a 4.29 ERA . Meanwhile, Jason Schmidt of the probable playoff opponent Dodgers is suffering from shoulder bursitis that could spell trouble for LA during the season or in a three game series. It looks more and more like Omar is headed in the right direction--big ticket free agent starting pitchers are mostly folly.

The tests are in, and Jayson Stark announces that Jose Reyes is the best fucking shortstop in the world. Or something like that.

Finally, it looks like the timid media has finally found their Yankee fallguy--someone to criticize Clemens "family plan"--and his name is Kyle Farnsworth. Patrolling the borderlines of incoherence, Scoop Jackson calls out the sporting media for not recognizing Roger Clemens is either "without question the most selfish athlete of our time" or "the most celebrated pimp in professional sports." Of course, Scoop's thunder is reserved for the faceless media, a nice safe target for a tough guy like him. Roger? Well Scoop still falls backwards to show his love:

Now, I like Roger Clemens, a lot. Always have. I'll root for him whenever he's on the mound, as long as he's not facing Pedro Martinez. I respect his "gangster." It's not him I have the issue with. If he can continue getting away with what he's doing, more power to him. Play the game, don't ever let it play you. Ball Player Rule No. 4080.


He's a self-absorbed, beyond-arrogant, bigger-than-the-game, I-have-no-respect-or-honor-for-the-concept-of-team, I-only-pitch-when-I-feel-like-it, any-team-should-feel-blessed-to-have-me, Randy-Johnson-will-never-be-on-my-level, the-world-revolves-around-me, kiss-the-ground-I walk-on, worship-who-I-am-because-I-am-the-me-myself-and-I-in-MLB pimp.

But again, my problem is not with Roger, it's with us.

Hey pal, don't blame us. Ok, in case you need to explain this to your kid: Scoop doesn't have a problem with arrogant, disrespectful, self-absorbed fuckfaces, its the media that doesn't write about the fuckfaces that really steams him. Wait, is the term "pimp" good, or bad now?

Why are media types so afraid of Clemens? Maybe they worry he'll think they're the ball? I could kick his ass, so I'm not worried personally, unless he has a ball or splintered bat in his hands. Whatever the case, Clemens definitely puts the "me" in asshole, and Espn still has no creditibility whatsoever. Most likely history will show that the parallels between Barry Bonds and Clemens, talented overreachers who could have rested on their laurels but sucumbed to the temptations of performance enhancement, are unmistakable. But the boys in the pressroom don't want to jeopardize their tee-times with their athlete buddies to let the Clemens cat out of the bag. The way I see it, that's their problem not ours, since they are the ones eroding their own creditability. We know many of you are glorified "Entertainment Tonight" reporters. Just don't bother us with your phony sanctimony. The media still thinks they have to tell us that Clemens is a 'roided out freak whose continued presence is bad for baseball, that's probably the sadest part.

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Clubbing the Cubbies, or Moon Over Reyes Hammy

It's hard to type while I'm holding my breath, but until I hear some news as to Jose Reyes' status. Reyes left the game late last night. Early word is it was a cramp and coming out was a precautionary measure. But I will rest easy when I see Reyes smiling back at me from SS later today. I have been puzzling over this all season given the large number of blowouts, but maybe Willie will start pulling the starters out of blowouts? Sosa continues his impressive season, and Gomez is a joy to watch. Tomorrow, the Mets go for 3 out of 4, which would be a nice way to warm up for the Spankmes.

Metsblog is reporting that Lino has failed a Urdaneta-test or something and is facing a 50 game suspension, not for sucking, but for roiding it up. How many more suspensions and magazine covers until the Mets have a problem?

My plan to purchase the Br*ves and turn Turner Field into a Jiffylube, Stripclub, and BBQ joint was unsucessful due to zoning and financing issues. However, the team I love to hate is about to be disassociated with Ted Turner for ever, and I can stop feeling guilty writing checks to Time Warner cable, phone, etc. every month. Liberty Media, instead, has purchased the team, hopefully in time to preside over a nice decade-long slide into mediocrity. Perhaps Hooters can purchase significant billboard space under the new regime?

Marty "Pants" Noble takes a mailbag question: was Keith Hernandez the best defensive first baseman he ever saw? Does the Pope shit in the woods? Are bears catholic? Noble recalls an interesting tidbit I didn't remember:

Hernandez also revolutionized the position -- until umpires disallowed what he did -- by taking pickoff throws while essentially squatting in foul territory so that he could make tags to his right more readily.

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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

God help us, its the Mets! Or... Is that Scott Schoeneweis's ERA in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Hey relax, the Mets bullpen to the rescue!

The Mets were poised for an offensive breakthrough against the good Zambrano. His shaved dome removing the appearance of a boy with a lost puppy in favor of a more menacing look, Johnny Maine had given up 3 wee-little runs, but his stuff looked good and he looked to be recovering. And if Endy could learn to catch again, perhaps things wouldn't get out of hand. As I said, the Mets had the Cubs right where they wanted, in the sights of another Elvisian comeback special. Someone forgot to tell Willie and "No Show" the plan. Willie wanted to show Sweet Lou that he too could play "Captain Hook" so he yanked Maine (who it must be admitted usually wilts late) after 5 and 96, without giving him a chance to do much much much better than the suckas Willie summoned subsequently. And no thanks to Uncle Cliff Floyd who barely strained a tendon going 3 fer 5. Anyhow, ignoring the page-one injunction of the Major League Bible: "Thou shalt not let Daryl Ward Beat Thy," Willie and the Mets threw a "Tag Sele" and blew this one right out their pooper long before the Amburglar (Bogus Burgos) rubbled in to demonstrate his continued lack of big league competence.

After Delga-doh' got pegged, now we're left with nothing but second place and the prospects of watching more Julio Franco than we care too. And if I know Willie, we can look forward to seeing Carlos Gomez's rookie enthusiasm from the bench where it can't impact the game too much, because everybody knows that 10-1 drubbings are no place for a rookie to get in the game and get comfortable on a team he may well play a significant role on. What exactly is Willie doing during games, texting with Joe Torre about job openings? A little two game winning streak would be a nice way to get ready for the Bronx metrosexuals this weekend.

Endy Chavez Sucks*

This is the most controversial thing I've written since I claimed (jokingly) that David Wright sucked, but I have to say it. Endy Chavez has not been Endy like since Old Man Moises went on his most recent Carnival Cruise to atrophy and Endy claimed the starting role. Maybe it's because he uses fabulous Endy power to barely not get to balls that non-Endy's would have just not gotten to. Maybe its because he and Carlos Beltran, justifiably collision-shy, are affecting each other's orbits like two planets. Maybe its the lack of hair. I dunno, but someone has to say it: the guy has made some high-profile catches to go along with some heads-up plays, but man I've counted 3-4 balls since he assumed regular starter duties that looked an awful lot like they should have been caught. Including one tonight. I realize that no one likes the taste of sacred cow, so flame me if you must. If this doesn't get me some comments, I don't know what I have to do.

MLB sucks

Metsfans are outraged at the poor quality of MLB product, a situation that yours truly has wasted many electronic trees shaking his tiny fist at. When will MLB be called to account for preposturous blackout rules, shoddy internet product, and inexplicable scheduling? That's what a lot of us want to know, including an angry mob over at Metsblog. Bud "Bedwetter" Selig, I think you hear us knocking and I think we're coming in.

As I blustered over at Metsblog, I recently read that fed up airline passengers, sick of being stuck in planes for 10 hours, united to push a "passenger's bill of rights." Maybe its time for baseball fans to do the same. Remember without fan pressure, there would be no Extra Innings package at all on cable. My promise to dedicate blog space to a united front against the MLB weezels should a movement ever materialize still stands.

We should be pissed. We are paying premium prices for bullshit service.

John Smoltz swallows

Want some quality entertainment? Worried about Son of Satan Smoltz and his barely injured finger? Check out this wonderful celebration of all things Smoltzy. Fun quote:
John Smoltz is running for the Lord now and doesn’t intend to ever look back!

Alyssa Milano Update

Well this is probably the right time to admit that the Alyssa Milano project is an abject failure, a friendly folly, a pointless proposal. But I'm not going to. I'm gonna persist because of my moto: Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed. That counts for you too, Alyssa baby.

*at fielding particular balls hit recently but nothing else

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Cubs Wheel Cliff Floyd into Shea to Visit the Mets

Tonight the Mets start a series against the pathetic Cubs. I don't really know what to expect here, anymore than I can explain the Moises Alou figurine above. Is that a beak?

Anyhow, someone should do a "tale of the tape" to compare Old Man Moises' injury record to Uncle Cliffs. Both guys can mash when they're not M*A*S*H-ing. Let's get to the important stuff.

Sweet Lou has less time to relax these days with the Doomed Cubs


"I remind myself of the power of thought and how it's my obligation as a citizen (and student) of humanity to propel compassion"--Alyssa Milano

Well, now that I have been censored three times (personally by Alyssa Milano herself I must suppose), I am starting to wonder about both about my project to welcome Alyssa into the family of serious baseball enthusiasts, and her mission to "propel compassion."

How can she continue along her path, without answering my challenge? How could she just dismiss me as another crank on the internet? How is that possible? I mean, I'm so handsome!

"I am chafed, but idealism becomes a slave."--Alyssa Milano

Maybe it's because I asked what this inspirational sentence means exactly? Why are you chafed? Is it because of a jogbra? Maybe she's censoring me because I once called her an "MLB hoodrat," a comment which I totally take back now. Or because I threatened to take my action to Drew Barrymore's Red Sox blog?

"If it is the end, if it is the beginning, I must be pure of intentions and open my eyes and heart to the suffering of humanity" --Alyssa Milano

What about my suffering, Alyssa? Having to know that I have so much to teach you about baseball, but yet knowing that you must realize this on your own, on your own schedule, as your own journey dictates. But it's so frustrating.

"I'm not even asking for all the answers to my questions neatly packaged and spoken by the handsome Anderson Cooper. Although it would be nice...You know." --Alyssa Milano

Wait a minute. You think that guy is handsome? Well maybe I do have a chance. And, Alyssa, I am asking for all the answers to my questions, neatly packaged or otherwise.

"Time is an amazing enigma in which seeds that were planted can turn into a vibrant garden if properly pruned." --Alyssa Milano

Ok, well I may be able to help out here a bit. First, you have to pick a metaphor and stick with it. Otherwise, you can't inspire anyone but gardeners who can't speak English. You don't prune seeds. Also "amazing" is an adjective that should be avoided--it just kind of makes you look lazy, or makes you sound like a hipee divorcee who self-publishes books on her spiritual rebirth.

Noooooo....say it ain't so!!


Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Birthday, Bobby Valentine!

You know your're the man, we know you're the Man. Happy Birthday to one bad motherf***.

RE: regular season homeplate walk-off victory celebrations

I just watched the Red Sox complete their inevitable come-from-behind victory against the sad sack Orioles, a team so bad, Jim Duquette has a parking space. It's as predictible as a Pro-Wrestling match. Is it me or are the players taking things a little far in their walkoff celebrations? The Red Sox won on an error by the pitcher covering first, against the Orioles, in May. But if you didn't know better, you'd think they just cured throat cancer.

No, it's not me, it's them.

I mean, cmon, you think Ty Cobb bounced up and down like a doofy bastard when his team happened to win a game in the bottom of the ninth? No, he probably spit at someone's mother (if it was mother's day) and then went home to kick his dog. It all seems strangely undignified. Plus, if you celebrate like that over nothing, what do you do when it counts, like in the playoffs? Hire a stripper and get it catered? I'm going over to ask the expert at Mets Walkoffs right now. Maybe he can shed some light on this phenomenon.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Somethings Brewin' at Shea: Mets Edge the Beer Bellies

What does a gay lumberjack have to do with beer?

Ah Milwaukee, land of sausage races and ballpark rectal exams!

Last night the Mets took on Bernie Brewer and the 1st place Bud Selig Brewers. What a goofy list of players; let's play WWCBDBHBPIP with the entire roster! *

Dave"Gore v." Bush
Chris "San Juan" Capuano
Francisco "Not the Sex Offender" Cordero
Elmer "Fudd" Dessens
Ben "Wets the" Sheets
Brian "Sburnin' Sdown the" Shouse
Chris "Sy Hairclub for Men" Spurling
Jeff "What's for" Suppan
Derrick "Squeal Like a Pig" Turnbow
Claudio "Stop at the station and give the" Vargas
Carlos "I got wait-listed at" Villanueva
Matt "Pound Foolish, Penny" Wise
Johnny "Eric" Estrada
Damian "Barney" Miller
Gabe "the entire amount of income before any deductions are made is called" Gross
Tony Gwynn ...what? holy shit they've got Tony Gwynn? We're screwed!
Bill "Anthony Michael" Hall
Corey "I wear my sunglasses at night" Hart
Geoff "Next of" Jenkins
Kevin "He's a real" Mench

Now, if it were not for my burning hatred of Bud Selig and the Br*ves getting to beat up the Pirates for the next few games, I'd wish the Brewers all the best. However, homey doesn't play that, so I must insist on their entire eradication. The new improved Sosa performed well against the hated Jeff Suppan and now I want a sweep.

Poopeyface went into 2 run HR mode (perhaps thanks to a cruel jinxing by Marty Noble), but the Mets are Wrighting the ship, with a warming Delgado delgadoing it, and the Easlinator continuing to shine in the Jose Valentin role. I don't know which is more upseting, the fact that Shawn Green has gone "0-fer-no hair" or the sight of his alien ears. Say what you like about the appropriateness of in-game pitch coaching, but Sosa could be seen in the dugout absorbing the Jacket's every word; no complaints so far, grooved 0-2 fastballs notwithstanding. And with Sosa's every quality outing comes an extra bonus thumb in the eye for one John Schuerholtz. If the Mets can straighten out this guy and he can recapture his 2005, 13-3 form (his last season with the Rockin'Retard), then maybe we can be the one's naming our daughter's Turner. Sosa might just need a strong coaching hand, and that is one thing the Mets seem to have in spades (and jackets).

Tomorow the Mets look for Pelfhelp against Ben Sheets...but since MLB Extra Innings is inexplicably not carrying it (neither is Fux), well, many of us will miss it. Which is just how Bud Seilig likes it.

It's to bad, too, seeing as how it will probably be the last time we see the Pelfer in a major league uniform for a while.

**What would Chris Berman do before he became a paunchy and irrelevant punchline?

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Snide Aside: Mature, Intellectual Analysis of Recent Clemens signing

The pencil necks over at explain how the Yankers recent signing is an entirely rational business decision. I'm not so sure. But I do know Clemens is a mercenary punk who's only interests are money and self-aggrandizement and who has somehow snowed the media and public for years as to his performance enhancement drug use. What else do I need to know?

Not sure where this came from, but thanks to Youngblood for bestowing it upon me. Village people, get your torches!! No not those Village People.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Off-Day Time Waster: They're Bald, Jerry!

Can you pick out the Met?

As DAY THREE OF THE JOSE REYES HAIRCUT HOLDOUT begins, John Delcos asks a great off day question: what do you like the most about the 2007 Mets? I would separate my answers into two categories.

I like most about this team:

1. Character and just a bit of cockeyness, exhibited in a nutshell by the "Dugout Top-Step Shuffle," orchestrated by Jose Reyes, MC.
2. The emergence and transition from "potential " to "promising" and almost "performing" (the three stages of pitching prospects) of some good young pitching; Maine, Ollie, Smith, and Sosa to some extent. As I have long maintained, we Mets fans need a cure for the Doc Gooden hangover, and it wasn't Generation K.
3. The multitude of ways they can win: by blowout, come from behind, small ball, long ball, etc.
4. Same stuff I liked about last year's team. Likable personel, nice offensive balance, just enough pitching, etc. This truly is a different era, and if you don't believe me, read this sentence: "My favorite team, the NY Mets, rely on Vance Wilson, Jeff Duncan, Jason Phillips, Timo Perez, Jeromy Burnitz, Jae Seo, David Weathers, Ty Wiggington, Danny Garcia, Tsuyoshi Shinjo and Joe McEeewing." Not too easy, huh?

I am most thankfully surprised by:
1. Jose Reyes, RBI machine
2. Shawn Green at the plate
3. Glavine's continued rennaisance
4. Countrytime looking sharp, as compared to last year's start



Looking around the Mets blogs, I wonder, how could we as a group fail to use the Seinfeld tag line "She's bald, Jerry" in any of our lame attempts to write headlines? Actually according to the script, I don't see where George actually said this line. Hmm. Well, I think the 6 tool talents of Carlos Beltran, the "Barber of Sheaville" (oddly the Mets chose not to use the clubhouse barber service in Florida) probably had something to do with the advent of "Team Woodward," but I wonder what might have been if the team decided to follow Jose Valentin's lead and all grown manly mustaches, or perhaps followed Reyes' lead and all grown spiky little dreads?

Of course, I haven't seen anyone bring up the last great Mets Barber related news, the tremendous Rey Sanchez Clubhouse Barber scandal, Hairgate 2003, where the clubhouse cancer received an in game haircut from Mr. Meltdown himself, Armando Benitez! (Jaap's term: Armandogeddon!) What a neat historical package!

I guess we should just be thankful that David decided on the bald thing, and not one of his other fashion statements involving headdresses.


In light of the fact that I am predicting a Mets-Sox 1986 redux this October, I think it is appropriate that I inform you of the rebirth of Misery Loves Company, the witty Mets-Sox bloggers who are now posting with a vengeance at a web address near you. With this link and endorsement, I can insure that they too get 100s of visitors inquiring about whether David Wright is married. He is not married, people.

PS. for some mascot related historical fun, check out Mr. Mets' big Piazza-era announcement.


Shawn Green, No.1!

Finally, casting around for ways to use this image, I decided that if Jose Reyes is indeed Superboy, then Shawn Green is the Bizzaro Jose Reyes. Just compare the two, each sucessfully contributing to the Mets offense in their own ways:


Not Bald
spark plug
excellent fielder
smiles a lot
plays everyday


not exciting
fire plug
can't field for shit
frowns a lot
does not play on certain holidays


My Tribute to Alyssa Milano continues...

Here she is with Met superstar and fan favorite, Kaz Matsui. And a mouthful of what appear to be braces, which just goes to show you she is just like us! And who said Kaz could never go to his left? Note the strange objects in Kaz's hands, wooden clubs that he would never actually use after opening day!

Alyssa, if you're out there, keep your eyes on the prize, baby!!

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Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Mets Slay Giants

We had Gary Carter and Wally Backman, how could they like us?"
--Keith Hernandez explaining to Gary Cohen why the 1986 Mets were hated by the rest of the league

DAY TWO OF THE JOSE REYES HAIRCUT HOLDOUT: It was a nice clean get away, or at least a victory for the Mets tonight. I'm not going to say that Armando Beneitez has repaid his karmic debt to the Mets, but it is a start. Aided by the rightfield sun and and old friend's meltdown, John Maine and his team of Chris Woodwards wriggled out of an L.

Mex was in rare form, citing Cervantes, coming out strongly against the dugout step dance, reinforcing his philosophy that all pitchers should go 9th innings at the least, and oh letting slip his low regard for fans and their votes. "I'm not gonna lie to you" he said, but it being voted into the Rawlings award by the fans, not his peers is a significantly degraded honor.

Among the good signs, Delgadone! it, with a HR and a couple of ribbies. Paul Lo Duca has a growth on his arm that he should get a doctor to look at. And that growth is called a canon! And the Mets dodged a canonball when Gotay hung Reyes out to dry and Jose landed awkwardly, nearly screwing up his knee.

A day off and then the Mets take a quaff of the Brew Crew and the evil nemisis Jeff Suppan. I hope you spend your off day like me, waiting for Alyssa Milano to respond to my overtures.

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Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Around the Horn: Alyssa Milano Edition

Nice victory last night. I'm too lazy to summarize. Some crazy news out there though.

Fox News' Dayn Perry is about to report that Mets Jose Reyes has been suspended 100 games for violating the league drug policy.

Curt Schilling knows assholes: from one asshole to another with love.

Rickey Henderson, who has taken inspiration from Clemens umpteenth comeback to --SURPRISE--declare that he can still play the game, is the only living elderly player that Omar Minaya has not signed in his tenure. Something has to give.

"Seeing Roger come back, all the seed that it plants is ask me to come back one time."

Rickey managed to toss a few deluded insults (?) Julio Franco's way:

"Julio's out there. I know I can play with Julio," Henderson said. "You need to name a whole lot of players before you get to Julio. ... I just want a spring training invite. Most clubs said if I got an invite, I'd probably make their club, but [they] don't have a spot."

Alternatively saying the right things, sounding strangely reasonable:

"I'm through, really. I'm probably through with it now," he said. "It's just one of those things. I thank the good Lord I played as long as I played and came out of it healthy. I took a lot of pounding."
He enjoys coaching players in the fundamentals of leading off and baserunning.
"I always want to be around the game," he said. "That's something that's in my blood. Helping them have success feels just as good."

...and spouting typical Rickeyisms:

"I see Roger can come back and play. I can come back and play," the 48-year-old Henderson said. "They say I've done too much. What'd he accomplish? ... The players they put on the field nowadays, they couldn't make it in my day. They'd get sent back to Triple-A."

and sometimes both at the same time:

"I'm going to look at it at the end of the year. I might come out with some crazy stuff, a press conference telling every club, 'Put me on the field with your best player and see if I come out of it.' If I can't do it, I'll call it quits at the end," he said.

Omar, are you listening to Rickey?

The Alyssa Milano Challenge

Tipped off by rapscallion Jaap at Archie Bunker's Army, I happened to check out Alyssa Milano's baseball blog "Touch em all," which I previously assumed was merely a ghostwritten marketing device to sell overpriced clothing to one of the most docile and foolish markets out there, the MLB fan. After reading through a few posts, however, I thought "what kind of jerk doesn't realize that she is a true fan, attending Dodgers games just like I do (although in notably superior seats) and putting her jeans on one leg at a time, just like me."

Now of course I admit, I was once one of those jerks, not taking Milano entirely seriously. Maybe I even introduced my own competing clothing line, "Feel." Though I am still nonplussed over yet another celebrity encroachment (she seems to get 60-150 comments a posting) into the realm of normal poor people (can't they leave us any scraps of life to enjoy?), upon reviewing the copious amounts of intelligent copy on her blog, I can only admit that she, or her writer, is passionate about baseball.

That having been said, I here by issue an apology on behalf of all neanderthal baseball bloggers, contingent on Ms. Milano answering a small battery of questions. Her answers will determine once and for all whether she is a "real" fan. Should Ms. Milano answers be graded 75% correct or better, I will personally deliver a copy of the 1986 NY Mets World Series DVD set (the greatest imaginable gift a true baseball fan could get) to her, if she meets me at the Farmer's Market across the street from my apartment,* or to her agent's office, if she has any sense whatsoever.

1. Joe Buck, knowledgable silky voice of the big leagues, or irritating nepotistic St. Louis homer?
2. Comment on the parking prices at Chavez Ravine over the last 8 years, and their impact on Joe and Jill Fan.
3. Where were you on the MLB DirecTV scandal this past spring?
4. Should Keith Hernandez be in the Hall of Fame?
5. If there was such a thing as a "Hall of Shame" which team's hat would Darryl Strawberry wear on his plaque?
6. Who is more overrated, Derrek Jeter, or David Eckstein?
7. True or false: Kirk Gibson faked it in 1988.
8. Describe the changes to the warning track in Dodger Stadium over the past 5 years and comment on whether they represent a positive or negative development.
9. Would you take a bullet to protect Vin Scully or would you have your bodyguard do it?
10. Identify the player(s) you would take in a draft before NY Mets shortstop Jose Reyes.

Good luck!

*note: in the event that a personal meeting is arranged, the Milano party should be informed and forewarned (to stave off any misunderstandings) that though I am extremely handsome, and boost a plus fastball in whiffleball to go along with a devastating move to first, I do not date Hollywood actresses, both on principle, and because my wife does not appreciate it.

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Mets need Pelfhelp, Drop Series finale, and into First place tie

psst, wanna buy some roids?

Well, the Mets stalled at lucky victory #13 at the Chase, but hey let's not get greedy. If it weren't for the damn Dodgers, we'd have opened up a little lead. As it is, the Mets are tied with the Klan boys going into a challenging week. Although I must admit to being a little burnt out on steroids jokes after the Clemens affair, so seeing Barroid Bonds this week will make me call to the novelty sports blog bullpen.

This game featured some minor storylines, such as Lino Urdaneta 's sucessful battle with infinity (his ERA). And then there's Jose "No no no..don't get up" Reyes play on the 1st out of the 8th where he threw out the runner from the seat of his pants. But otherwise, the Mets B-squad didn't look like it had what victory would take.

"I'm just good enough to lose."
--the self-aware Mike Pelfrey

Pelf sure is frustrating to watch, especially his plan to lure nearly every D-Back hitter into a false sense of security with a couple of balls to start off. But as a fifth starter, he did keep the Mets narrowly in the game until the 5th inning, which while it is less than we are asking for, certainly is more than nothing. I spend the majority of Pelf's 2-0 counts trying to remember what about this guy was so thrilling in the first place. He needs some seasoning in the minors, but perhaps he will make strides before the Mets' number comes up in the El Duque health bingo.

Is it too late to reconsider Citifield's corporate sponsorship? I got an idea for the name that I think will promote winning: Met's Diamond at "ChaseField" in Citibank Park.

Did you know?

Tom Seaver was nearly a Br*ve!!

According to some Espn site I found:

"April 3, 1966: The season hasn't started yet, and the New York Mets already are big winners. In a special lottery, the Mets win out over the Cleveland Indians and Philadelphia Phillies -- the only three teams who had agreed to match the Atlanta Braves' original offer of $40,000 -- for the rights to sign USC right-hander, Tom Seaver.

The special drawing is held because Commissioner William Eckert had ruled Seaver's signing by the Braves' Richmond farm team, for a $40,000 bonus, was illegal. Atlanta had drafted Seaver. Eckert nullified the contract and fined Richmond $500 because USC already had started its season. Baseball rules say that a player can't be signed off a college campus once his team has started playing."

I did not know that. The Atlanta club is always cheating, first with Seaver, then with the strike zone for the majority of the 1990s. Go figure.

More Roidger fun

Wow, the wonderment does not cease that Cashman mortgaged his team (and with the Yankees, that ain't easy to pull off) on a me-firster that will almost certainly be involved in this season's X factor, the Steroid Investigation. There are some great first person stories if you look through Metsblog, about what an ass Roger Clemens is in person on the golf course and elsewhere. Not too surprising.

For some more fun, I trolled over to Astros territory to see what words would describe the way Astros fans were feeling these days. The words I am getting is bitter and vengeful!

CarmenVelez wrote:
Good riddance is all I can say. I am happy to see him get out of town. He may have been a great pitcher back in the day, but great pitchers know when to quit. Big egos do not. The guy can't get enough of himself. He had to announce his return to the Yankees from the owner's box at Yankee Stadium so that 50,000 adoring fans could bow down to him. The roar of the crowd is what turns his crank. I'm sure the $28 million deal (albeit prorated) didn't hurt either. Reminds me of Carlos Beltran. He went for the money, then watched the World Series from his couch. And the team that was playing the World Series was the team he left behind. May it happen again, this time to Clemens. And when we win the World Series, he can kiss my Astros ring!

editor's note: OUCH!

cheo25 wrote:
From the NY Daily News: "He added he plans to spend a week and a half training in Lexington, Ky., where his son Koby is playing in the Astros' farm system." I hope he's not planning on using the Legends' facilities. If he is, the Astros should tell him to take a hike and go find a high school clubhouse. He's Yankees property now, so why should the Astros let him use their facilities anywhere in the organization. Terminate the personal services deal and when Koby proves he can't play, boot him out of the organization, too. The whole reason for the personal services deal was to keep him from leaving the Astros. If he wants to leave, make the departure a 100-percent divorce.

Now that's what I'm talking about! Note, 100% divorce is a Texas term meaning...uh...something.

cubanpete94 wrote:
I think I'm to blame, or at least my son is. Over the weekend of April 28-29, my son's select 11 year-old select baseball team played Rocket's son's team in an elimination game in Alvin. Well, my son took his son, who was pitching, deep twice. Once for an RBI double and another time for a 3-run RBI triple. Kid got the hook after that and his team was eliminated. Sorry about that, guys. Rest assured, my son has been chastised.

I love the use of children as proxies...especially for a noble go cuban pete!

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Top 10 Reasons Clemens Signed with the Yankees

**Now with extra bonus reasons for extra hating**

12. Andy Pettitte constant complaining that shopping at Crate and Barrel, long walks on the beach, and banana daiquiris are just not the same without Roger
11. Cashmen figured it was either add Clemens or the entire Florida Marlins club to the Yankees roster, and Yankees just can't afford to feed Miguel Cabrera .
10. Won't be teams ugliest player, not with Jorge Posada and all
9. Yanks promise to acquire Clemen's son Kobe, so Roger can throw at his head during minor league tune-ups
8. Brian Cashman moves to shore up Yankees in the "Steroid-Fueled Egomaniac" department after Gary Sheffield's departure
7. Two words (about Jason Giambi): expert injector
6. Cashman finally concedes to Clemen's fuzzy bunny slippers demands
5. Car he got from Yankees for retiring the first time needs new timing belt
4. He thought it was the ball
3. Because Derek Jeter sucks. Really.
2. Craves relative anonymity of New York's #2 team
1. New York location allows convenient access to both MLB Commissioner's office and Washington D.C. so Clemens can attend his upcoming steroids testimony


Friday, May 04, 2007

Arizona is for (Met) Lovers...Popcorn Pandemonium

The Mets need to get them some more D-Backs on their schedule. A trip to the Bob or the Bank, or the Chase or whatever they call it, has the cure for whatever ails the Mets. For a nice description of the ballpark experience, check out Joyce's dispatches over at Mike's Mets. When you do, you might be a little more persuaded that when a Mets fan dies suddenly this weekend, they might wake up in a place that looks a whole lot like Chase Field. In this ridiculous world, its comforting to have Chase to look forward to.

Now the funny thing is, the Arizona club is good this year! Solid pitching, and scrappy no-name talent make them at least wild card competitors, or competitors for the wild card consolation prize, otherwise known as the NL West title. Yet still the Mets seem unable to loose there, a quality that should be tested tonight against D back ace, Brandon Webb.

As Julio Franco swiped second base dragging his invisible IV pole, I couldn't help but reflect on how many moves have gone right for the Mets lately. It was just yesterday, or yester-Gen K, when it seemed that every thing Sterling Inc. touched turned to shit. In the time it takes Roberto Alomar to wipe the spittle from his chin, Omar Minaya through luck and a bit of moxy. has turned this franchise around. Of course, the Mets may be few senior moments away from dicey rotation and outfield situations, but you sense that they have the depth to recover. And the Ca$hman situation across town throws the changes into pleasant relief. John Maine (5–0, 1.37 ERA), meanwhile, looks less and less like a little boy whose puppie is missing, and more and more like a confident k killa on the mound. I'd be lying if I said I saw this coming.

Now onto the curmudgeony carping that you expect from me. I have been told that the New York television feed showed that Josejosejose was out trying to snag second in the fifth, but since the Arizona broadcast never saw fit to show the play from any other angles, I have to go with my lying eyes. Jose was safe to me. C'mon ump, the guy is trying to steal 100 bases and create runs like Fran Healey creates cringes, so cut him some slack. Worse still, you made him grumpy.

Jose Reyes frolicks with his puppie before a game.

Anyhow jump to the eighth. Amburgler rubblerubblerubbles into the game for his trademark uneven performance, but a sense of calm envelops Metsnation anyhow. Maine was competent and confident. Things are going smoothly because let's face it, that was not your father's Randy Johnson and the Dbags, as their uniforms sometimes appear to read, are going meekly into the desert night.

Then all popcorn pandemonium breaks loose!!

The crotch of Phoenix's Harold J. Becker gets unexpected national media exposure.

First, a quote to set the stage:

"It was a very uncomfortable feeling. My knee felt very unstable and painful." This is Grandpa Moises Alou quoted before the game.

The 8th inning Burgy allows Hudson to launch what appears to be a 2 run HR but then... Endy does a little endy dance and leaps, leaps up to rob another homerun. Except for the little punk with the popcorn in the picture. The umps call it a homerun, and Willie doesn't argue on his way back to the dugout. I say the popcorn hit the glove, not the ball, but I don't what difference it makes. But worse, when Endy eventually comes down, he seems to have hurt his leg. Alou is down. Milledge is down. And we're holding our breath.

Endy, a Metsnation turns its weary eyes to your ankle.

Any gmailers that have recently emailed me, I apologise for not returing your emails but my yahoo doesnt want to talk to gmail lately for some reason.


Thursday, May 03, 2007

Around the Horn: Mets try to take the Diamondback

This is Baxter. He's a bobcat. He eats squirels and scares children.

Strange games indeed lately. Salvaging one game from the Fish was clearly not good enough, and the Mets have to keep pace with the never-loose Br*ves. Nor were metsfans enthused over mental lapses (Reyes decides to be nice and not tag out a base swiper) and sloppy defense (come on down Damion and David) and baserunning gaffes on prime exhibit against Florida. Having hopefully gotten the yips out, the Mets head to Arizona, where baseball has been berry berry good to them in recent years. And they bring what looks like a rejuvinated David Wright bat, and some decent starting pitching. But these are not last year's D-Backs, so expect a challenging games, tonight from one of the Major League's growing number of Micah's. And for you out of towners, pray for Gary and Keith, as I remember the Arizona broadcasting team being pretty tough on the ears.

Dear SNY...

Speaking of Gary and Keith, a note about the SNY broadcasts. Keith mentioned the other night that he was approached by a guy who told him that the SNY guys talk too much. Everyone in the booth laughed, and proceeded to go on their merry talkative ways. Now I don't think they talk too much all the time, and I prefer the intelligent and loose commentary of our current team to any other I've heard. "Letting the game speak for itself" oftentimes is a myth perpetrated by dullards like Joe Buck, who can't add any insight so explain their silence away in falsely reverential terms. I would listen to Keith Hernandez describe my own trip to the dentist. But the producers really are fucking up an otherwise fine broadcast when they let the interviews take over the game.

Simply put, the "Sights and Sounds of the Game" feature presented by Hummer, is as obnoxious and invasive as a real Hummer! I admit, I am biased against interviewing managers or other participants DURING the game on principle. But SNY is going even farther than that.

To wit, SNY, if you must drown out games with constant in-game interviews, please let us at least watch the game, and only the game. I know what Tom Seaver looks like, and if he isn't showing me how to grip a baseball, then let's just listen to him and watch the action. And there is no need for a split screen to watch a tiny little game AND Rick Downs "Syndrome" who probably doesn't know he's on camera. I too am enamored of Keith's pimp coat, but the booth camera is just a bit too active, if we are missing the game on the field.

Getting to third base

At metsblog, Anthony digs up a good story which raises the musical question: is Sandy Alomar a shitty third base coach?

I have no stats to back me, but until the last few games, I thought the job Sandy (the spitter's dad) was doing was remarkably, precisely because his work seemed in such a stark contrast to Acta's performance, which I only remember being head-scratching. I once suggested Acta be replaced by a traffic cone, and still have feelings of delight when the Mets play the Nats. Basically, I remember Acta as being a terrible third base coach, though I can't remember specific examples as to why now.

Now Roger Rubin is saying things like: "According to statistics from The Baseball Analysts, Acta was the seventh-best third base coach in the majors for not sending his baserunners into outs." This re-opens the case for me, and uses numbers, though laying the responsibility for all throw-outs on the head of the coach has the same environmental problem with isolating the culprit as how many stolen bases can be blamed on the catcher. The stat ignores the relevant environment--the context of the game and the involved players performance.

So I'm thinking, weren't most of Alomars 5 blunders, if we can blame him entirely, in the past few games? He seemed to be doing a pretty good job at a job which is only usually noticed when done poorly, like an umpire or stripper. However, how hard is it to look good when your clients include speedy Reyes and Beltran etc. It's like being Jessica Biel's hairdresser; you can make her look bad, but it ain't easy.

Willie and the Bus He Threw You Under

Willie thinks it's cool under there.

Rubin quotes Willie responding to the ridiculous case where center fielder Alfredo Amezaga threw out Carlos Delgado by a wide margin. (Note that Carlos, with a family to think of at home, declined to use his huge frame to knock the catcher over, as was required in days of yore.)

"It was a mistake to send him," he said. "That's pretty obvious when you have a guy thrown out like that."

"Next time around Sandy will read it a little better," Randolph said. "Basically it was a read. It happens once in awhile. I coached that base for 11 years. Sandy's been around for a long time. Every once in awhile you get a bad read. That's all it is."

Gotta love Willie's willingness to hang his subordinates and players out to dry at any given opportunity! Everyone knows something bad happened, but I wonder as I often do, what aim it serves commenting in the press, even if you are trying to be forgiving, you'll no doubt say something that could be taken the wrong way. I personally wonder if and when this proclivity will began to wear on Willies relationships with players and coaches, but I realize I am entirely alone in the blogosphere for noting this. If you don't believe me, check the Deuce, where I have occasionally kept track of some of them, involving Stash, Ahern, and the fans, for example.

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.