It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Friday, May 11, 2007

Somethings Brewin' at Shea: Mets Edge the Beer Bellies

What does a gay lumberjack have to do with beer?

Ah Milwaukee, land of sausage races and ballpark rectal exams!

Last night the Mets took on Bernie Brewer and the 1st place Bud Selig Brewers. What a goofy list of players; let's play WWCBDBHBPIP with the entire roster! *

Dave"Gore v." Bush
Chris "San Juan" Capuano
Francisco "Not the Sex Offender" Cordero
Elmer "Fudd" Dessens
Ben "Wets the" Sheets
Brian "Sburnin' Sdown the" Shouse
Chris "Sy Hairclub for Men" Spurling
Jeff "What's for" Suppan
Derrick "Squeal Like a Pig" Turnbow
Claudio "Stop at the station and give the" Vargas
Carlos "I got wait-listed at" Villanueva
Matt "Pound Foolish, Penny" Wise
Johnny "Eric" Estrada
Damian "Barney" Miller
Gabe "the entire amount of income before any deductions are made is called" Gross
Tony Gwynn ...what? holy shit they've got Tony Gwynn? We're screwed!
Bill "Anthony Michael" Hall
Corey "I wear my sunglasses at night" Hart
Geoff "Next of" Jenkins
Kevin "He's a real" Mench

Now, if it were not for my burning hatred of Bud Selig and the Br*ves getting to beat up the Pirates for the next few games, I'd wish the Brewers all the best. However, homey doesn't play that, so I must insist on their entire eradication. The new improved Sosa performed well against the hated Jeff Suppan and now I want a sweep.

Poopeyface went into 2 run HR mode (perhaps thanks to a cruel jinxing by Marty Noble), but the Mets are Wrighting the ship, with a warming Delgado delgadoing it, and the Easlinator continuing to shine in the Jose Valentin role. I don't know which is more upseting, the fact that Shawn Green has gone "0-fer-no hair" or the sight of his alien ears. Say what you like about the appropriateness of in-game pitch coaching, but Sosa could be seen in the dugout absorbing the Jacket's every word; no complaints so far, grooved 0-2 fastballs notwithstanding. And with Sosa's every quality outing comes an extra bonus thumb in the eye for one John Schuerholtz. If the Mets can straighten out this guy and he can recapture his 2005, 13-3 form (his last season with the Rockin'Retard), then maybe we can be the one's naming our daughter's Turner. Sosa might just need a strong coaching hand, and that is one thing the Mets seem to have in spades (and jackets).

Tomorow the Mets look for Pelfhelp against Ben Sheets...but since MLB Extra Innings is inexplicably not carrying it (neither is Fux), well, many of us will miss it. Which is just how Bud Seilig likes it.

It's to bad, too, seeing as how it will probably be the last time we see the Pelfer in a major league uniform for a while.

**What would Chris Berman do before he became a paunchy and irrelevant punchline?

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.