It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Friday, April 28, 2006

Salute to KazMat and other bullshit

Support Kaz Matsui now and perhaps you will never have to see him naked

"You know what i wanna see? I wanna see you naked big guy!"

Cmon, you know you want to do it. Take the opportunity now, after the Mets eked out a win over the greatsatan right in his lair, (AND you got to see Andruw Jwones hit with a Billy Wagner slider), while you're all hopped up on hope. Give it up for my man Kaz Matsui!! Dude's batting .345 and is so far making, gasp, a solid contribution to the club's sucess in the 7 games or so he's been around. And he br*vely helped David Wright out today on his shitty throw. Cheer him heartily, tonight before toothless Tomahawk Glavine brings us all back down to earth tomorrow.

Plus it seems as though KAZMAT's the only Japanese member of the Met family not to disgrace us this week. Yusaku Iriki (#1 this year!) joined a nice stable of Met, ex-Met and nearly ex-Met scrubs and farmhand pitchers such as Jorge Reyes, Grant Roberts, and Felix Heredia testing positive for something or another. Well at least that lessens the possibility of hearing "Hey You-suck-o, You Suck!" at Shea stadium this year. And of course there's he of the orange wristbands, corkscrew swingandamiss, pout-when-he-got-traded to the Giants, retiring to beefcake land. Well there's not much to add about that. But i did hear that Masato Yoshi and Kaz Ishii have been rumored to be starting a death metal band.

I guess our Japanese buddies partially bought into the Wilpon credo: "'Roids, Sexual Deviance and Hammy Injuries"
Once twice three times a Nady

Ahh according to Newsday:
"When general manager Omar Minaya shipped Cameron to San Diego, he had more on his mind than Nady. Minaya was clearing payroll space for a potential Delgado trade, and whatever he could get from Nady would be a bonus. Not that the GM said that at the time while the deal was being ripped on talk radio. Minaya's moves aren't looking so bad right now in retrospect."We just thought he needed an opportunity to play," Minaya said. "If we don't trade Cameron, we don't get Delgado, so we thought we had to go for a young, up-and-coming guy that could give us numbers close to Cameron at a much lower rate. We're very happy how it turned out." "

I don't care if Nady makes me eat my words, and I hope that Nady can hit .280 with 20-30 hrs this season and field adequately. But Omar is so full of shit here--he was gonna be on target for a similar payroll as last year anyway with Kameron's 7 million or not. And then he literally gave away at least a million in guaranteed contracts for reasons that will puzzle historians for generations. The trade was still ill-advised and poorly timed.
Don't forget to Hate the Br*ves!!

Friday, April 21, 2006

ITEM: Bell commences "Operation Lockdown"

Ex-Met Derek Bell today announced that he is commencing phase two of "Operation Shutdown," which government prosecutors have termed "Operation Lockdown." In a released statement, Bell said "First of all, I want to thank all the fans that have supported me since March 18 2002 when I put it into shutdown; I am proud to tell you all that Operation Shutdown was a complete sucess. But starting with my arrest today on felony cocaine possession, I am putting operations into a new phase."

Bell continued, "Nobody told me I was in Florida. If there is a law against driving and smoking crack in Florida, somebody better let me know. If there is such a law, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit the pipe while drag racing and I never will. If it ain't settled with me out there, then they can incarcerate me. ... Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't smoked crack and driven since 1991."

Gordon from Sesame Street was not available for comment.

STARS of the GAME: Last Night's Heroes

The Mets can't just rely on their big-contract stars. No, a good, playoff bound team will need to draw on its role players throughout the season. So to urge the team on to greater hights, I want to institute a time-honored tradition in the NHL (a now dormant ice hockey league played its games mostly in the 20th century).
So without further ado, last nights 3 IMFM "Stars of the Game" are:

1. JULIO FRANCO: Wow, old guys are cool!

2. KAZ MATSUI: His dash round the bases for his third season-beginning HR made us all forget the dismal failure he's been for the Mets. Nah that's not true. But I betcha next year he does it again on opening day as a Pitsburg Pirate. Go KAZ! But everyone knows that Mike Piazza never met a plate he could block, so...

Collects his first hit, becomes internet sensation. This guy brings it!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The end of the world as we know it

The predictable reaction to today's indignity in Mets Nation is summed up thusly: the sky is falling; dammit.

But seriously folks, there is evidence that this team still has some management issues to work out. This evidence is named Jose Valentin. Add Chavez and Valentin to the canyon of scrub heroes: Ice, Aye!bar, Stuper Joe...No amount of Julio Franco diplomacy is gonna change this. You give scrubs a tryout in spring training, you're not supposed to take them north (or give them guaranteed contracts for that matter). How do these guys keep popping up?

Plus, will the last person in the world please tap Omar on the shoulder and mention that Zambonehead will never be a sucessful starter for the Mets. In it is a sad fact that none of us have owned up to, and i am still trying to admit: The Br*ves rotation staff is still superior to the Mets. There, i said it. Shmutz + Hudson are greater than the sum of Pedro. Don't give me no toothless Tom jive either. Glavine will never beat the Br*ves as a Met. And Cox knows it. Witness his snide comment: "I think Tommy is better than he ever was. I really mean that," Cox said. "He throws inside now and you just can't hit him." Yeah he's better than he ever was. How I hate you Robert Cox.

Coming down from highs is always hard. I mean, I heard that its hard. But they were injured, we were injured, and they found a way to win. They had Jwones and Marcus "Runt F****" Giles. We had Wright and Delgado. Their stars beat ours. Beating the Br*ves is the litmus test, and the team just failed. Try to smile through the pain, but these games count as much as any others.

Many folks are drinking the nasty old powdery Tom Glavine kool-aid. He's so classy they say. Mullet-man says "Most people forget Tommy was the third-best pitcher in the National League the second half of the year." Wow, and I was the fourth best 2nd baseman on the little league team. If you really wanna know what I think about Tom(ahawk) Glavine AKA Toothless Tom, go here. Otherwise don't be Beltre-Beltraned--of course he's gonna have a terrific walk year, and snow someone into offering up more moolah. Just let it be some other team.

RE: Perrenial Br*ves asshole Brian Jordan's comments in the NY Post:

"They don't understand," Jordan said of those crowding the Mets bandwagon. "It's all about injuries and health. You can make all the moves you want during the offseason. But it doesn't matter if they're hurt. It's a long season. But it's going to be interesting.''

I think Matthew Cerrone actually says it best:

"I hate you. "

Meanwhile Jose Valentin's dream season continues. He's perfect.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Team Song: The Lost Verses

The New York Mets today announced the creation of a new fan celebration song, “Our Team. Our Time,” which will play at Mets games during the 2006 season at Shea Stadium. Besides the fact that it makes our infield sound like the Cripps:

David Wright Jose REYes making sure you're not safe; Just in case Carlos Delgado, he's at first base (I guess "and he'll hit you with a lead pipe in the kneecaps if you don't pay up" didn't rhyme?)

...and the fact that the best thing they could say about Carlos Beltran is that he's playing the outfield (side note: the $119 million man was only good enough to be mentioned 7th out of the 7 players mentioned), I was fascinated. "What a terrific song," I thought, "but why so short?" Well, I called up Sterling marketing and they faxed me some more verses, left out for brevity, which I share with you below.

New York Mets, Our Team, Our Time!

Pedro Martinez will throw at your head
when Victor Zambrano starts, you'll wish you were dead

Toothless Tom Glavine, wishes he was a Br*ve
Julio Franco has one foot in the grave

New York Mets, Our Team, Our Time!

Steve Traschell will bore you to tears
pudgy Victor Diaz only has a first gear!

Carlos Beltran will always lay down the bunt
watch Kaz Matsui suck it up, sounds like some fun

New York Mets, Our Team, Our Time!

Come watch Willy Randolph make a double switch
after so many years of being Torre's bitch

A new stadium is coming, Skillset's plans look so nice
and you'll see it on TV when you can't pay the price!

New York Mets, Our Team, Our Time!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Around my horn

Mets beat Br*ves. Open 5 game lead. Best record in majors. Make History in several ways. Pedro reaches milestone. Pen holds up. I still hate Andruw Jwones. Yawn, this winning stuff will take some getting used to.

And we thought Anna Benson was an embarassment.

There really are a shitload of Mets-related blogs and sites. It seems like this blog fad has crazed metsfans everywhere sharing their opinions left and right. Everyone wants to share. If this doesn't stop, how will any of us get anyone other than our moms' to read our witty thoughts? It's like the use of antibiotics, if everyone uses one gets better!!

We must already lead the league in blogs. There are geeks and prophets deserving of your attention. There are Metsfans in Oklahoma, Michigan, Texas, and an entire Army in the U.K.
Of course one needs to check out the Society, the Metropolitians, and Faith and Fear nearly every damn day. And then the timeless B.N.G.C.S.A.P.H. , Always Amazin', and especially Metsblog eat up hours of productive time. You could spend time with your family. Or you could take the 7 Train to Metsville and then a cab to Amazin' Avenue . There's Happy Recaps, and a guy named Mike. There's the defunct website with the name that everyone wishes they got first, and not one, but two(!) enjoyable combination Sox-Mets blogs, Agony and Misery! If amusing attempts to make a new word out of "Mets" is your thing, try out Metsquire, Metscentric, orMetsmerized. You can view the Mets mostly, by the numbers, or by the walkoffs. And then there's the player blogs. David Wright has gotten into the business. Even Jose Valentin has his own blog!!

What I hadn't noticed is how many of these blogs are actually pretty funny. No wonder I can't buy a comment (though see item below)--too much competition. But no one is quite as irreverently irrelevant (TM) as me!! As for the newbies, Hotfoot has some nice pictures of Mex and other vintage shots. Wright and Wrong has a great little caption contest. The promising Mets are Better than Sex investigates this thesis from an interesting angle, and plenty of "thumbs-up" pictures of the management. Then there's this clown. There are more blogs devoted to the Mets than to world peace or tampons. Is that a good thing?

*****ITEM************ IMFM exclusive!!*********************************

People are talking about Jorge Julio. We even hear talk of wanting Anna Benson and her wet paperbag on-again-off-again husband back. Well, now it can be told: the true story of why Kris Benson was traded. It was the Christmas Party, and Anna showed a little too much skin for sure, but it wasn't what you've been told by the "media."
The picture circulated to the media looked something like this:

But according to my sources, the real story was that the photo was doctored. Anna had let herself go a bit after some recent surgery, and showed up for the gig with a three-sheets-to-the wind Don Zimmer. And were they ever plastered. It got ugly quickly. My sources who took this blurry picture with a cellphone, say THIS is what transpired:

Of course, then it got really ugly when this fist-pumping pansy showed his goofy face. Let's just say Anna doesn't care for metrosexuals.

I am normally against violence in sports, but isn't it time someone (Uncle Petey, I'm takin to you) in orange and blue plunk this smug smirking assclown?

do it for the children.


Watching Brian Bannister's magic act last night, here in Asia, was quite an experience. The game broadcast was pretty much smack dab in the middle of the night. I wanted to go to sleep, but 25 years of Metsfandom wouldn't let me turn off the game and sleep after Darren Oliver made it a more interesting game by giving up the dingers as is his wont. Oliver did manage to face Hardy last night as the hilarious Marty Noble points out. Delirious at 4 am, I dreamt of knuckleballers, Delgado attoning for a throwing error, and victory. Even then, I had to keep one eye open until Diaz doubled on a knuckle that didn't knuckle.

I may be the only one who still cares, but turn away from screaming at Jorge Julio for a minute, and check out what our old friend Kaz has been up to. As if to give ample support to the theory the Mets are actually paying him to stay away from the parent club, Kaz's website now features a splash page of Kaz, not training mercilessly, playing error-free minor league tune-up ball, or obsessing over what went wrong with his career, but relaxing on a sofa.

Now it's been a rough ride for the bigger failure of a Japanese import since Shinjo, or karaoke, and I'm one who really was pulling for him this season. But I misunderstood, I thought the dude was a victim of circumstance, bad timing, and illusory skillsets. Now I see that he is just here on a $7 million vacation.

...on the beach the mall

...enjoying a little tennis

breakdancing... or something.

Looking at the pictures, you can't help but get the feeling that his mind's really not on baseball. Or his manager/publicist doesn't realize he may never work again! Or more likely, he knows that most Americans are too lazy to ever check out his website.

So what does all this mean? Nothing. But please stop booing Jorge Julio.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

What flavor is the KoolAid you're drinking right now?

.889%. First place in our hearts and now suddenly first place in everything else too. And the bandwagon is growing. It might just be that evil, Atlanta-based Aliens will try to zap our Kool-Aid this coming week, but until then, let's enjoy the ride!!

Davey Johnson Raspberry
You could drop Ice Williams into this line-up and they'd still mash flavor
"Haven't been this excited since I thought Timo was the real deal" Peach
I just peed myself Lemon
Kiner Lime
I dunno but its definitely definitely Mookie-flavored
Kevin McReynolds Grape
I hate Steve Phillips
Playoffs OrangenBlue Flavor
Free polls from

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Top Ten: Things Vice President Cheney muttered under his breath as he delivered the ceremonial first pitch

(in a grunting, snearing, evil voice)

10) Now I'M finally a "major league asshole." Big time.
9) My pitch location...undisclosed
8) this year's National's squad is making the Mother of all retreats in the standings.
7) Pitching isn't really my thing, I'm more of a spray hitter.
6) I would of hit Jose Guillen in the face.
5) Hmm at least when it comes to interviews, my sport is softball.
4) I knew I should have waited until I sobered up, now i feel like leaking, I mean, taking a leak
3) 3 hotdogs and crackerjacks, pulse racing ur ugh ugh. heart pills...
2) Simply stated, there is no doubt that my fast ball is a weapon of mass destruction.
1) Who's booing me? Go fuck yourself.

Friday, April 07, 2006

IMFM Interview: What WOULD God Do?

Wow. Carlos Beltran gets a little bitchy about a curtain call. OK. I get it. He's not crazy about the premature catcalls. Fine. Somewhere right now, 30,000 Mets fans are arguing over the merits of booing Bunt-ran, and booing in general. But what the hell is he talking about in today's NY Times?

"Well, I went out," Beltran said. "I just took my time. Like I say, at the beginning, I don't feel like doing it, but I just put myself in the situation of what would God have done in a situation like that. You know, I'm a Christian guy, and after getting booed the first two days, and all of a sudden you come through and get a hit and all of a sudden they want you to go out in a curtain call, I put myself right there and I do believe God would have gone out."

So when I saw this quote from Beltran, I first thought, "What a magnanimous guy, but, you know, I think Jesus handles this kind of thing usually." Then I thought, "man no way God is coming back out of that dugout--he's a walkoff kind of guy." But I wasn't sure. I needed to know a bit more. So I put on my blue and orange jammies, knelt by the side of my Shea stadium bunkbed, and put an interview request in to the big guy. Here's the transcript.

IMFM: Hi God, its me, itsmetsforme. I mean, get the idea. Wow I had no idea you looked so much like Keith Hernandez...

GOD: I'm extremely busy here. What do you want? I got rid of Ordonez, McEwing, Benitez, and Looper. I had Mazzone go to the Orioles. What more could you want? I'm starting to think you're taking me for granted, pal.

IMFM: Well um, we still have Trashel and Glavine things pending and you never smitted Steve Phillips ,but um, I guess I'll get right to the point God. What would you have done? I know Jesus definitely does curtain calls like on Easter and stuff, but I can't find anything in the Bible that suggests your approach to curtain calls? Is Beltran right here? And why does he keep bunting?

GOD: I have no freakin idea why he keeps bunting. Who knows? But as for your main question, curtain calls are not really God's thing. When I finish a big project I like to rest, take it easy, kick back for a day or so. I leave the showboating to my son.

IMFM: Hmm. Ok thanks God. One more thing, God. Do you think you could help me out with this MLBTV thing? The darn thing keeps cutting out in the middle of games.

GOD: Not a chance, my son. MLBTV sucks.

You Decide! Anderson Hernandez

Anderson Hernandez.


Who is Anderson Hernandez? YOU DECIDE!
He's Rapheal Santana. His hitting doesn't bother me. He'll come around. Look at the incredible plays he already has. No worries here.
He's Rey Ordonez. He's totally overmatched. He makes me miss KazMat. I worship the devil.
Free polls from

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Opening Day Mets3 Nats2

Ok I finally got around to watching yesterday's game. So far, not overly impressive, but a win is a win is a win.

Arrgh. This off-day is interminable. The Spankees and the Br*ves both lost, so the day isn't a total loss. The Mets won ugly yesterday and I'm just rarin' to see the 1-4 hitters do sumtin'. Mets defence was just a bit better than the Nats--the mistakes they made didn't cost them, and there were a few pretty plays in there by Wright and Hernandez.

Some observations:

Toothless Tom pitched well enough to lose again, except he WON!
Heilman. Not so sharp.
Hernandez. So far the bunting and fielding skills of Ordonez.
The line-up looks good on paper. Real good.
This team is just one dominant starter, some chemistry, and some average performances from its stars away from being a dream come true.
Brian Bannister is my this year's Mike Jacobs, who incidentally hit a 3 run blast today.
Mets are currently in first place.

Go check out the latest in humanitarian Mets commentary on the Deuce!
This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.