IMFM Interview: What WOULD God Do?

Wow. Carlos Beltran gets a little bitchy about a curtain call. OK. I get it. He's not crazy about the premature catcalls. Fine. Somewhere right now, 30,000 Mets fans are arguing over the merits of booing Bunt-ran, and booing in general. But what the hell is he talking about in today's NY Times?

"Well, I went out," Beltran said. "I just took my time. Like I say, at the beginning, I don't feel like doing it, but I just put myself in the situation of what would God have done in a situation like that. You know, I'm a Christian guy, and after getting booed the first two days, and all of a sudden you come through and get a hit and all of a sudden they want you to go out in a curtain call, I put myself right there and I do believe God would have gone out."

So when I saw this quote from Beltran, I first thought, "What a magnanimous guy, but, you know, I think Jesus handles this kind of thing usually." Then I thought, "man no way God is coming back out of that dugout--he's a walkoff kind of guy." But I wasn't sure. I needed to know a bit more. So I put on my blue and orange jammies, knelt by the side of my Shea stadium bunkbed, and put an interview request in to the big guy. Here's the transcript.

IMFM: Hi God, its me, itsmetsforme. I mean, well...you get the idea. Wow I had no idea you looked so much like Keith Hernandez...

GOD: I'm extremely busy here. What do you want? I got rid of Ordonez, McEwing, Benitez, and Looper. I had Mazzone go to the Orioles. What more could you want? I'm starting to think you're taking me for granted, pal.

IMFM: Well um, we still have Trashel and Glavine things pending and you never smitted Steve Phillips ,but um, I guess I'll get right to the point God. What would you have done? I know Jesus definitely does curtain calls like on Easter and stuff, but I can't find anything in the Bible that suggests your approach to curtain calls? Is Beltran right here? And why does he keep bunting?

GOD: I have no freakin idea why he keeps bunting. Who knows? But as for your main question, curtain calls are not really God's thing. When I finish a big project I like to rest, take it easy, kick back for a day or so. I leave the showboating to my son.

IMFM: Hmm. Ok thanks God. One more thing, God. Do you think you could help me out with this MLBTV thing? The darn thing keeps cutting out in the middle of games.

GOD: Not a chance, my son. MLBTV sucks.