It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Heyman, Nice Shot! Media Offers Jerry Contract Extension, Can Mets be Far Behind?

This post best enjoyed accompanied by the video above.

Temporary lack of freak injuries + short winning streak+wild-card lead= ?

Don't be coy, Mets fans. You know exactly how to solve that equation. While you ponder that, look what just made noted Sports Illustrated scribe Jon Heyman's list of the best decisions of the past year list: "The Mets’ decision to retain Jerry Manuel after an abysmal 2009 season."

You read that right.  When the Wilpon's threw their hands up and didn't fire anyone after consecutive debacles, it was a terrific decision, not a miserable concession to the reality of their impoverished notions of running an organization.  Look, media columns need to be filled and that means lists filled with indefensible contentions must be propagated. I get it. But unless this is a piece of performance art, there is no call for writing something like this:
Manuel was put on warning, but Mets ownership never seemed close to firing him even after the team started poorly in 2010. To his credit, a more confident, positive feeling in the clubhouse has aided the team’s rather stark turnaround to the top of the wild card standings. Manuel has a very thick skin (a necessity in New York) and a knack for developing a positive feeling, even when things appear down. He has an option for about $1.5 million for 2010 (sic), but a multiyear extension is in order.
In this understanding, it's time for MAJOR rewards for all those involved in the last few weeks of marginal success. We're talking contract extensions, if not part ownership.

Words are the problem here. Coming up with which ones accurately describe the way this set of ideas strikes me. "Preposterousity." Is that a word? 

Here's the thing. An extension for Manuel is entirely possible.  And the Mets, if they follow their normal mode of operations (see: extending Omar) will wait for just the right moment, which will be something like when the Mets somehow fall out of the wildcard race because Jerry misread a lineup card, or when it's revealed that Johan has been allowed to pitch with a nail through his elbow, or upon the news that Omar just traded Mejia for the pickled beard of Tim Redding.

There have to be other qualifications than "a very thick skin" and "a knack for developing a positive feeling, even when things appear down." Otherwise, the Mets owe it to their fans to open the manager competition to other qualified personages, such as the following candidates:
1. The Schmoo

As managers, Schmoos preach aggressiveness and the use of dexterous feet: their players are always taking the extra base and hustling down the line. Schmoo has a real presence in the dugout, this despite his inability to deploy the hand-signs most managers and bench coaches rely upon.  Said to favor reinstating Razor Shines as third base coach. As for handling the long knives of the metropolitan media, Schmoos are delicious to eat, and eager to be eaten.
2. Caveman Ringo Starr

Having discovered fire, Ringo will really light up an interview room.  The knock on him as an in-game manger is that Ringo can fade into the background when the tempo slows down and the team harmonizes.  Also his tendency to literally rip the arms off bullpen pitchers and roast them over a spit will represent an improvement over the current Met regime's approach to only the most jaded wags.  But when the giant dinosaur shit hits the palm fan, there's nobody you'd rather have in your cave.
3. Happy elephants

You want thick skin, you should see how happy elephants handle NY media churlishness (not to mention questions about bullpen roles and their baffling pinch hitting decisions).  They barely notice!! Of course, sad, down-in-the-mouth elephants without a positive outlook on life need not apply; that'd be silly!
4. Manimal

Yes, Manimal is not real. But arguably, he has the creditability that the Wilpons look for in a hire; anyone that knows the secrets that divide man and animal can certainly manage a bullpen and restrain themselves from throwing good outs away.   In addition to reputation for helping the police solve crimes by transforming into a hawk or a panther, Manimal is also rumored to be a "true Yankee," adding to an already impressive pedigree.

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Monday, June 21, 2010

Mets Flashback Continues: Yanks Remind Jerry's Kidz of Their Limits

                                Bat fight: why couldn't Mike finish him off when he had the chance?

Just a few comments because, well, no one likes to blog after watching their team get slapped down by ass munches across town.  But the back to the future theme continues, as the Mets continue to chase the Br*ves and now have had their bubble burst by their ancient nemesis,  the Spankees.  The team with the $300 billion dollar payroll and their round on the mound ace CC Sabathia (aka the biggest winner) had no problem putting an end to the Mets modest winning streak, and for good measure, easily grabbed a weekend series that really might have meant something for Jerry's Kidz.  Even with two of their superstars on the mend and playing at half speed, the remaining $200 billion worth of Spankee players was more than a match for our wildcard-at-best squad.  The series was a mixed bag.  Jose Reyes' missteps lately have been limited to his haircut and headdress--otherwise he's been raking at the plate, snappy in the field, and dazzling on the dance floor.  Can't wait to see his latest handshakes.
 "Remember when you were as good as me? Now you can't get out of your own way."

Johan wasn't bad today, but he wasn't good either.  Sad to say, this was one of his better showings in the subway series.  If you're not worried that the Mets ace is injured or has lost it, then you're living under a rock. Speaking of hardly imposing, the Amazing Mets offense pulled off another disappearing trick, not scoring for the last 15 innings of the series, though to be fair, they were facing some tough, fat pitching.  But fairness ain't got nothing to do with it; it's hard to remember how we ever thought this was a rivalry.
Sabathia, before dining on a sumptuous pregame meal of Jeter's ex-girlfriends (Arod's are too chewy).

Oh well, at least the subway series wasn't humiliating this season (3-3 tie). You know, like Dwight Gooden/Darryl Strawberry as Yankers, or like A Rod wanting to become a Met before taking the $$ to join the Rangers who then pay the Yankees to take him.  A quick stop at wikipedia refreshes the memory if you want to know what humiliation is in its most recent vintage:
June 14, 2009 – Francisco Rodriguez confronts Bruney during batting practice and are separated by teammates. The Yankees shutout the Mets 15–0 in the biggest blowout in the history of the series, tagging Met ace Johan Santana for nine runs in 3 1/3 innings, the most Santana has ever allowed in his career.

June 28, 2009 – Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, who entered the game to face a batter in the 8th inning, bats against Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez at the top of the 9th inning. Rivera drew a walk with the bases loaded, forcing home Brett Gardner to earn his first career RBI. Rivera would go on to finish the game and earn his 500th career save as the Yankees swept the series at Citi Field.

MLB rip offs now fit in your pocket

When are people going to say enough is enough? The recession hasn't slowed MLB gauging down a bit. Recently, one lawmaker got into the action over exorbitant ticket fees for Yankees tickets--$10 in fees for a $5 ticket got him steamed.  Why anyone would want to be seen in Yankee stadium now that Lady Gaga is on the prowl is beyond me (that guy scares me), but in principle this pisses me off.
"Why can't the other team score any goals?"

Now that I am sporting an Ipod touch, I am privy to a whole new world of MLB nickle and diming shenanigans courtesy of, a notoriously buggy enterprise. From what I gather, the MLB purposely stripped down its Gamecast--admittedly weak soup already--so they could charge for this "app" they have.  They give away this app, "At Bat," in a shitty almost useless version, called "lite" to try to drive you to "upgrade" to the pay version which you can use to watch, if you bought that.  So they nail you first for the service ($80-100), then rig it so they can get you again ($14) for the right to watch the service on your mobile device. The best thing (besides the crappy service and blackouts of course) is that the app then expires at the end of the season, though I bet they do fans who don't pay close attention the courtesy of automatically renewing the app on their credit card next April.
Wanna get fucked by the MLB? There's an app for that.

Of all the institutions I wish would get its comeuppance before this recession peters out, the MLB is up there on the list.  Without remorse, they have gauged the fans since the sport's rebirth after the 'roid aided McGuire-Sosa HR fest. Someday they'll have to beg those same fans to come back.  Until then, I have only my rallying cry: Bite me, Bud!

The Summer of Dickey

Maybe it's just me, but are baseball headlines getting more salacious? One report encapsulated the Mets Saturday loss to the Yankees thusly: "Yankee's Long Balls Give Phil Hughes His 10th Win." That's a victory that sounds painfully Pyrrhic.  So if you're suffering Dickey headline withdrawl, here's a potential headline for you: "Touchy Pirates End Sausage Fest." Maybe you can do better than I did.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Br*ve Old World in the NL East? Back to the 90s...

Jerry's Kidz Renaissance Means Mets Suddenly Looking Up at the Br*ves in the Standings
Are the good ole' days back?

Wherein the author connects current goings-on to the era when the Atlanta club won 13 straight NL East titles.

The Mets organization came into the 2010 season in a blaze of incompetence and laugh-worthy planning. Oliver Perez would be a starter.  Mike Jacobs would replace Daniel Murphy at first. You get the idea. No Met fan of sound mind could look at the NL East and think the Mets in their current configuration had a prayer of competing. I admit having enjoyed the freedom one feels when writing off one's team.  Yet here the Mets are in mid-June in second place, and, if that wasn't remarkable enough, the Mets are looking up, not at the hated Phillies, but instead, at the accursed Atlanta Br*ves. So if you feel asleep in 1999 and woke up today (here's looking at you Bobby Cox) the standings wouldn't surprise you at all (though depending on how attentive you are, you might wonder where the Expos went).

So do not adjust your monitor, this is happening: Turner's Hicks served notice when they swept the Phils in early June. When not checking Raul Ibanez' urine for magic properties, letting their infants get plastered at games, and projectile vomiting on fellow fans, Phils phans are probably getting worried right about trailing the Mets now, since they are obsessed with everything the Mets do.  The Br*ves could be the real deal and could be destined to add to their impressive history of early round playoff exits, but we'll have to wait and see.
How has this insufferable redneck whined and bitched his club into renewed relevance?

But enough about those fanless, sister-lovin', playoff chokers.  Let's launch some preliminary hypotheses that explain the recent success of the NY Metropolitans.

Things that seem to have needed to happen to get to the point where watching this club is tolerable:

1. Oliver Perez is finally nursing his annual fake injury.
Perhaps sending this bozo to the land of make believe restored some integrity to the front office, at least in the eyes of the players who had grown increasingly restless with the Minaya regime's insistence that Perez is a viable member of the team.

2. Ike! 
 If you're the kind of person that likes to celebrate clubhouse chemistry, why not attribute Met success to the Hebrew Hammer? He's solidified the infield, is unafraid of the dugout railing, likes to launch moonshots occasionally, and is way cooler than David Wright. What more could you ask for?
Phillies fans will be getting worried about the Br*ves too, right after a nap.

3. Project GetMatthewsJettisoned is a success.
Gary Mediocre Joker was finally been dishonorably discharged.  This probably had little to no bearing on the team performance, since there is no evidence that GMJ ever even bruised a baseball, but it had to be embarrassing being seen in the same uniform as this 'roid baby. So we can say this might have helped the Mets spirits.

4. Knuckeballs!
Dickey has single-handedly (pun intended of course, all puns are intended when discussing R.A.) revived the fortunes of tabloid and blogger headline writers. He has also managed to keep the Mets in most every game he has pitched. He also inspired me to believe that, should Pelf and Niese fail and Johan continue to slide, the Mets ought to stock their rotation with 2 or 3 more knuckleballers. Who's with me?
Because who wants to see a picture of Jr.?

5. Niese pitching, pretty boy!!
As long as he doesn't go flying off the mound with his hammies rolled up like blinds, he's a credible back end prospect, and a joy to watch.

With the removal of whiners like John Maine and lost causes like GMJ and OP, and the emergence of likable folks such as Ike and Rob Al Dickey (who thankfully is a literate soul who appreciates "human language"), mystery men such as Carter, Barajas and Blanco, and of course nice guy and playoff beard grower Jeff Frenchie, is it possible this team could make a Wild Card run and we'll be saying that the Good Guys Won?

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.