It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

It's Tool Time Again: Steve Phillips Provides Some Levity as Mets fans Stare into the Abyss; Hundley Name Back in the News

Above, a gallery of people Steve Phillips has fucked.

Looking for a way to avoid thinking about the World Series that could transform the Mets' 2009 season into arguably the worst in club history? Mr. Steve Phillips, prize tool, reporting for duty.

As Met general manager and member of the ESPN idiocracy, Steve always liked tools in his players; even more so he likes being a tool, and uses his tool outside his marriage with gals who work for him every chance he gets. The only question remaining for historians to sort out was which institution he had done more damage to, the NY Metropolitans or marriage, particularly his own. While Mo Vaughn is undoubtedly still hitting buffets and strip clubs across the nation on the Mets' dime, it looks like the balance has finally shifted in favor of the latter.

The New York Post's fine, Pulitzer-level coverage of this new low, including letters from the mistress, statements from Phillips' son and wife, details how Phillips' affair with 22-year-old production assistant Todd, er, Brooke Hundley went quickly downhill and started to take a toll in terms of the Phillips families' social life, social internet networking, and landscaping. It sounds like Phillips' wife is getting the house and suing for divorce and one can only wish her well. We continue to scratch our heads that such an incompetent and useless bag of human shit could manage to become the GM of a major league baseball team and later, be paid for his commentary on our national past time. Do we really want the Wilpons to choose a new GM/manager?

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Monday, October 12, 2009

Metsfans, Try Not to Use the Hot Stove To Burn Your Eyes Out
Gather round the The Mets Hotstove, times are tough!

Watching the Sawx meltdown in the 9th yesterday with their season on the line, although the incompetents at TBS couldn't get the in-screen score graphic right (the score at one point had it 7-7, then scrolled around until it finally rested at the correct score--TBS knows drama), was still educational.

Papelbon blew it right out his ass. Right there in Fenway, in front of plenty of pink-faced partisans. There are quite a few Mets fans that wish the Mets were run more like the Red Sox. I think I could be put in that category. But even the best organizations loose sometimes. Which makes the mountain the Mets have to climb in the next few years/decades seem that much more imposing. Cause they are terrible, Oakland Raiders terrible. Short sentences; the only way back into the Metsblogosphere.
Red Sawx WAR pie
Mets WAR pie

In case you haven't heard, the Mets had a disastrous off-season last year. Since the brass won't admit to doing anything wrong during the injury plagued season, let's all agree that management's first boner of the 2009 season occurred before the first ticket gauged fanny was in the seats at Tax Payer's Park. The franchise's mistakes in something of a rank order, are probably the following:

1. Retaining Omar Minaya as GM
2. Not firing Jerry Manuel
3. Signing Oliver Perez
4. Signing "K-Rod"
5. Trading for J.J. Putz
6. Accepting the status quo in terms of their medical organization

Note that 5 of the 6 are still in full effect. So with that in mind, we poor Mets fans can be forgiven if we hesitate to get excited about this year's hot stove, seeing as the idiots are still running the asylum.

I now wade into the coming debacle that will be known to historians as "Hotstove 2010." To be clear, I am not relying upon pure baseball logic to make my "decisions" about what this sad bunch of clowns should or should not do. In many ways, until regime change comes, we are beyond sound baseball decisions, so to pretend that this sort of logic will enter in to the picture is delusional. So come with me, and adjust your reality in order to weigh the attractiveness of potential Mets' for next season based on your gut, like Willie would. The time to seriously revamp this team was after the last two catastrophes. Now, we are stuck waiting to see which of the commodities under the Mets control can still play after recovery from surgery. In addition, we are stuck with the knowledge, the near certainty that this management team has no idea what they are doing. If I'm going to hold my nose and root for this bunch of losers, well, I am going to make some demands. In the meantime, lets get the hate-train started. I do not want:

Matt Holliday DoNotWant
Is it fair to rate Holliday based on his Metsian blunder in the pivotal game against the Dodgers? No, not really. But postseason exploits SEEM to have an influence on off season contract negotiations (see Beltran, Carlos)--they weigh heavy in check-signers' memories. But I don't want Holiday for reasons that extend beyond his defensive prowess. He is a radical religious nutcase. Sure, everyone points to the sky to give god his rightful glory over a rbi single these days. (Jesus didn't come to judge, Matt, but even he is pissed you couldn't catch a routine flyball.) You can pick a reason to be queasy about signing Holliday to any length of contract: he's old, his stats are an artifact of spending the majority of his career in Coors' mile high environment (the splits seem to support this), the outrageous muscles he packed on raising roid rumors, etc. I just don't like him. I worry about the impact he'd have on the smile of the Mets' gritty franchise player, Jeff Francouer.

Dan Uggla DNW

The Mets want to try to avoid acquiring players that would make a significant contribution to their on-field humiliation. Over time, if the Mets some getting guys that tend to be boneheads (Pagan), suck out loud (Heilman), etc. the theory goes, perhaps their play will improve. Now that's probably not true either, but I hate all ex-Marlins. Pass on this clown.
actual closeup of Uggla's hands

To be continued...

The Sky is Falling

What else could go wrong? SNY may have to pay Keith Hernandez a whole lot more cash to associate himself with these losers. SNY by letting him get away will be making a big mistake, since this would severely erode the only decent programing they can offer.

Mex doesn't need baseball:
"I didn't watch baseball for five years, didn't watch until the Sosa-McGwire thing," he said. "Then I started watching a little bit. Not an All-Star Game, a World Series, nothing. And I did not miss it. And I honestly feel when I retire doing this, whenever that is, I will not watch a baseball game again."


Monday, October 05, 2009

Top Ten Unqualified Sucesses of the Mets' 2009 Season
Mets beloved owner Fred Wilpon ponders his next move.

Are you discouraged by your team's abject, dismal failure on almost every operational front, compounded by the mind-bending decision by the owners to make no management changes going forward? Take a look at the bright side! Here are the top ten Met accomplishments we can be proud of:

10. Mets medical staff continues to protect players from Mud Wrestlers Rash, Mary Hart Epilepsy, and feline diabetes.
9. Mets able to spoil Florida Marlins' shot at club attendance record (a visit from the Mets depressed attendance numbers just enough so Marlins couldn't break 13,000 for the year)
8. Mets planning to add to ridiculous Citi outfield wall design with baseball's first in-park MRI machine housed in unmoving centerfield HR apple
7. Fernando Tatis can now add sun porch to his church in the Dominican Republic.
6. Delta Airlines, in honor of their affiliation with the Mets, now charging for each working hamstring as well as first and second checked bags
5. Pat Misch gets enough starts to cement his status as 2010 Mets #2 starter
4. Cody Ross sidelined by a wrist injury courtesy of a pitch from Mets' John Maine (along with Ross' habit of "rodeo-style" masturbation)
3. Fred Wilpon's team wins the NL West for the second year in a row
2. Due to drop in SNY viewership, visits to Jeter's Ford drop precipitously
1. Josh Thole is still alive and walking without help.

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.