Selig to Appoint McCourts to Takeover NY Mets

"It was either this, or prayer"

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig topped off a busy week of meddling on Friday by appointing Jamie and Frank McCourt as trustees of the NY Metropolitans. "It is clear to me both that the Mets franchise is in need of rescue, and the McCourts deserve a second chance," said Selig in a prepared statement, "and there really are no other options in any event." Major League baseball, according to reports, had tried for some weeks to find a competent entity to take over the daily operations of the Mets franchise, but had made no progress until the McCourts were freed up from their roles in running the Los Angeles franchise. "This one is a no brainer, even for a guy who presided over years of obvious substance abuse in the national past time, made countless children cry, and once called an all-star game a tie," said a spokesman for Selig.  Selig conceded that, informed of the plan, the Mets previous management team had its reservations, but he argued that "the Wilpons admitted privately that they really have no idea how to win or turn a profit," and pointed to the Dodgers continued on-field success amidst chaos as evidence of the McCourt's savvy.

In a statement to the media, the McCourts expressed optimism and gratitude for the second opportunity.  Frank McCourt said that "honestly, we were hoping to take over a more stable franchise like Toronto or Pittsburgh," but the parking lot baron noted the fine work of the former management under the Wilpons to use their TARP funded stadium to celebrate a former Dodgers star. Looking around the Citi field rotunda, McCourt indicated to reporters what he called "the perfect spot for a Sandy Koufax statue." Jamie McCourt added "we think running the Mets will really strengthen our relationship because we won't need to worry so much about accountability" and "plus there is really good shopping just a few minutes away from Flushing." According to sources with knowledge of things, the McCourt's priorities include "fixing the ridiculous dimensions of that park," relaxing restrictions on fan alcohol consumption and violence, wooing Manny Ramirez out of retirement, and "getting Ron Darling on some kind of weight loss and flexibility program." Paul DePodesta could not be reached for comment.

America loves a second chance.