It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Top 10 Roughest Mets Enemies' Off-Seasons

Who ordered the pre-season Schadenfreude?

Plenty of big stories to reflect upon this off-season. But lost in the fray over the Mets' tremendous September collapse is that things ain't exactly going well for the members of the Mets rouges gallery either.

10. Derek Jeter. How come none of the other athletes featured in those new sports drink ads have to read the line "every kind of mo"? Answer: it was perfectly tailored for Mr. Jeter. By August, rumors were flying that he did the unspeakable act of giving Jessica Alba herpes. By November, it came out that he was cheating New Yorkers out of tax money, by pretending to live in Florida instead of NYC. Niiice!
"oh god, hold me it hurts so bad"

9. Kaz Matsui has anal fissures, perhaps linked to his ongoing well-publicized battle against hemorrhoids or some other lifestyle choice. Kaz, what can I say, Americans make eating big American steaks look easy. Also, fire your agent, man. Now including Kaz Mat on this list is a bit cruel, since we always genuinely loved him here. But let's face it, he robbed the Mets blind, nearly destroyed Jose Reyes, and sucked the big one on the field.

8. Mike Hampton. Still getting injured. Still amusing. It's unbelievable that the Br*ves are actually getting the bad end of that deal with the cRockies, but its true. Looks like the Mike Hampton fan sites haven't been updated in a while. HahAhahaHahahaaAa!

7. Ok well he didn't get nabbed as much as the other dopes on this list, but at some point adulterer Lawrence Jones' badmouthing of his team mates and other MVP candidates has to catch up with "U Kno Who." Not to mention accusing Arod of steroid use in so many words.

6. The New York Yankees, in general. Seem to have won the whole standoff with Arod, if by winning you mean further demeaning and alienating their best player. This season enjoy the too young or very old rotation take their lumps, but be sure to save some time to watch the decline of Derek "Every Kind of Mo" Jeter. Should also be interesting to watch the inevitable meltdown between Joe Girardi and Hank, two guys who just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

5. The 2000 Yankees, in specific, get a big * next to their world series "victory" when the Mitchell Report named Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, Denny Neagle, Glenallen Hill, and Jose Canseco as big fat cheats. Speculation over whether the Spanks cheated their way to a title has run rampant since then, but one thing is clear: the Yankees cheated their way to a title. Team beverage? Juicy Juice.

4. Armando Benitez
Apparently, major clubs balked at signing this jackass until very recently, when the Blue Jays, a team known for making poor pitching personnel decisions, bit. So assuming he makes the squad, he is a lock to retain his title as the major's dumbest active pitcher.

3. My favorite quote of the off-season: "It is believed that Scott Spiezio was hiding behind this door." (from police report over Scott Spiezio incident on Dec 30)
That's apparently his own wife on his arm. Classy.

St. Louis' fuck-chinned bastard got what's coming to him. The Cardinals promptly waived his ass after just one alcohol fueled night of car crashing, friend beating, and hiding in his own closet from the cops.

2. Andy Pettitte, shown here with his wife, who got out of this without a scratch. His dad? Not so much.
Let's be clear. Mr I-love-Jesus lies to the press, recants his story, modifies it so that it incriminates his own father, and is somehow celebrated as a truthy guy? Andy's snow job is one of the more disappointing things to come out of this whole tempest, but hopefully he'll get some dirty looks in church because of it.
Confirmed drug abuser, and inarticulate actor who plays boxers who insist on fighting with their guards down

1. Roger Clemens. What can you say about a piece of shit like Roger? Now that he's lied to Congress, expect a trip to the big house for Roger. Hey Roger, when your bunkmate violates you that first time, hopefully he won't say he "thought it was the ball."

BallHype: hype it up!

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  • At 6:52 PM, Anonymous YB said…

    Hampton's hurt?

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    ah details details. I needed a number 8.

    take it from me, that strained groin won't go away. $15 sweet million a year.

  • At 5:57 AM, Anonymous Constnza said…

    Hearing you've been banned from metsblog makes me cry YB as even when you were at your most cynical, there was always a ton of truth to what you said.

    Personally, metsblog's comments section has degenerated to points where I don't comment as much as I used to. Maybe IMFM should be captializing on the disenfranchised and growing his blog to beyond 50 hits a day?

  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous cvertana said…

    Hi everybody! The regular season is awfully close. Let's hope the Mets have it together. IMFM, maybe you should right something truly friendly about Jane Jarvis, since she is homeless due to the crane accident (it was in the NY Times). That was cold about Matsui. The Clemens one was real good!

  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger MP said…

    "My favorite quote of the off-season: "It is believed that Scott Spiezio was hiding behind this door.""

    It could be my favorite quote - ever.

  • At 12:35 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Hey cantstandy, i agree with you and YB that the comments section is not what it was, but i think i know why i may have a hard time growing my audience in the way you suggest (though i seem to have cherry picked all the readers worth having anyhow).

    Here's what MC had to say in the way of advice for bloggers, see if you can put your finger on my problem:

    "Don’t try and create some clever lead, or cute metaphor with clever references that attempt to make you sound smarter than you are. If you’re smart, as a reader I will figure it on my own. Give us, the blogosphere, a reason to read you, don’t just assume that we will simply because your words are on the computer screen – because at the end of the day, all the fancy graphics and bells and whistles will not make up for a lack of quality writing and strong content."

    Dang! Now he tells me.

    Conzy, I will reveal this industry secret, but only because I love you: this blog is about to break the 200,000 mark, the exact number that MB gets a day! And all together my blogging family has gotten over 240,000 hits since i bothered to keep track. Definitely more popular than my wedding blog!! First reaction: Not bad for a blog that absolutely no one reads. Second thought: What is wrong with people that they'd waste such valuable clicks?

    Cver, that is just awful about the shea organ lady, particularly since she stands for the ballpark experience that i wish would come back into fashion before i lose my hearing.

    mp, we'll always have "who's hiding behind that door"--they can never take that away from us, unlike the national league pennant.

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous YB said…

    I just have to say Cerrone is a buffoon. I'd love to get a copy of his resume and see exactly what "media consulting" he has done. How would he know what a clever lead or cute metaphor is? The guy may be the worst writer I've ever read. And believe me, I am as smart as I think, as is IMFM. I have the editorial experience to prove it and I wouldn't accept one thing MC has ever written for publication purposes.

    Cver, being banned actually was in my best interest as I no longer feel the need to banter with 9th graders and the vast majority of posters who know nothing about anything, including baseball. And they certainly, as a whole, have no sense of humor.

    IMFM, hopefully the high-brow readers of your blog have more spending power than the Neanderthals posting to Metsblog. When does Matt get back on SNY to talk about another inane poll of unemplyed Met fans?

    That felt good!

  • At 12:09 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    All this letting off steam and no one's upset that Jeter's going around giving Jessica Alba and our starlets venereal diseases?

  • At 4:42 AM, Blogger Jaap said…

    Wedding blog? Talk about Schadenfreude. Still, I was hoping it was Hampton who would get the anal fissures. I hear the better school system for his kids down in Atlanta have upgraded from clay to dirt in their rithmatic department.

  • At 6:50 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    Jaap, that is ironic that Hampton wanted better schools for his kids and he ended up for most of that contract in Georgia - good point! I suppose that, if I had kids, I would consider it, in some ways safer to raise my kids in the Atlanta area. It might be safer for some things, but I wouldn't want them to grow up into rednecks. Of course, for all the bad reputation that NYC has as far as safety is concerned, Deliverance takes place in Georgia.

    YB, you just can't let go about Matthew and Metsblog. I don't know what your problem is with him. If you didn't like his site, I don't know what you were doing on there in the first place. Not sure what you got kicked off for, but I'm guessing that you were over-the-top in personal attacks against him and not just criticizing his point of view. From what I can tell from his rules and attitude, he would kick somebody off for doing that to any of us commenters on there, so of course, he should get the same respect - it's a given. I've stated this before, but he is the one who has brought us together. If it wasn't for his hard work, I doubt that any of us would "know" each other and you wouldn't even have the luxury of spouting off about him on here to us.

    Today he is asking out-of-towners if they would like him to make a post for a local meetup in their town for Opening Day. Besides the often 24/7 Mets reporting that he still provides and others have taken his ball and run with, I believe he has made a huge contribution to bringing the Mets fan community together. Of course there's room for criticism of him and if you really think the guy is awful as a journalist, which incidentally he never claims to be, maybe you could again consider that he is a hard worker who made something for himself from nothing but hard work. Many appreciate what he does, including myself and I also would add that I do believe that he would be the first one to comment (and I believe he has) about the comment-quality going a bit downhill. That is a public forum that he regulates for those who violate his rules. It is tough for him to police every unintelligent thing written. He doesn't have a rule against comments that we or even he doesn't find to be intelligent, but he wants it to at least be about baseball and hopefully about the Mets.

    I mean, sure, there are some sports media types whose quality I don't admire (Joe Morgan, for example), but I don't get as fired up about it as you seem to be about Matt. You can obviously say whatever you want on here or anywhere else, as long as IMFM or another host allows you to. Personally, I just don't get your passionate dislike for him. I don't know, so correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that you took the guy on, on his own blog, in a rude and personal way and he banned you. So, you didn't like or respect him before and now it's gone to the next level. Once again, if you don't appreciate his work, I get it. I say this "with the love", man. My advise is to go down to Burgermeiser and enjoy a nice meal and let it go. Hey, start your own blog and please don't make it a "Fire Matt Cerrone" blog - make it a blog about baseball or whatever you like. Send us a link over here and I'm sure we'd all love to check it out!

  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous YB said…

    CVER, simply, you are off base on the banning. I rarely if ever attacked Matt on his blog. I got what appeared to be a limited banishment a while back for profanity when that became frowned upon. My recent banning I can't pinpoint. Again, se la vi. My recent opinion is directly related to Matt's ruminations on what a blogger needs to do to be successful including dismissing clever and/or creative leads.
    Frankly, I read just about everything Matt posts in the papers and on the sports websites well before he posts. I fully understand what Metsblog is and what Matt has accomplished. Good for him. There is just so much nonsense throughout his blog that being clever is a lost and unappreciated art.
    The fact is, the entire business of reporting, covering and discussing sports is filled with people breaking their arms patting themselves and each other on the backs. Can you honestly tell me that Heyman is talented at any level. Matt sings his praises and the guy is awful, as are most every sports analyst and reporter at ESPN, SNY, et al.

    So yeah, I've got issues, and I don't need Dr. Phil to tell me it may come from the fact I know it is idiotic for me to obsess over the Mets.

    Yeah, I am self aware, I know it is inexplicable for me to worry about why Matt is sitting there giving an analysis of how good Niese is based on the fact he pitched in HS. A bit self-important?

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous cvertana said…

    OK man, this was good stuff. It felt more like criticism, which whether one agrees with it or not, it's interesting. I'll need to think about it more. For me, it is, as Matt sometimes calls it, one stop shopping for Mets info, which I believe is a good thing. Maybe there is a lot of patting on the back, but if you read what he says today, he's not a fan of Mike Francessa. It's OK to obsess about the Mets - that's what us Metsfans do. Let's hope it's gonna be worth the while in 08. Things are looking OK so far.

  • At 12:11 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    i am back in town after a week and I see that the angel and devil that sit on IMFM's shoulders are going strong.

    Your conversation is extra funny to me in that I assume that YB will find that he just lost his password in a Bourbon related incident and has been typing the password to his immense swiss bank account into MB for several months. Whatever the case, I will remain to offer the back alley alternative to mainstream online diaries covering the shmets.

    Anyhow, just ordered the cable package and am excited to throw away countless hours of my life in the next 7 months in the thankless task of endlessly obsessing over this team with you guys!


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.