Top 10 Roughest Mets Enemies' Off-Seasons
Plenty of big stories to reflect upon this off-season. But lost in the fray over the Mets' tremendous September collapse is that things ain't exactly going well for the members of the Mets rouges gallery either.
10. Derek Jeter. How come none of the other athletes featured in those new sports drink ads have to read the line "every kind of mo"? Answer: it was perfectly tailored for Mr. Jeter. By August, rumors were flying that he did the unspeakable act of giving Jessica Alba herpes. By November, it came out that he was cheating New Yorkers out of tax money, by pretending to live in Florida instead of NYC. Niiice!
"oh god, hold me it hurts so bad"
9. Kaz Matsui has anal fissures, perhaps linked to his ongoing well-publicized battle against hemorrhoids or some other lifestyle choice. Kaz, what can I say, Americans make eating big American steaks look easy. Also, fire your agent, man. Now including Kaz Mat on this list is a bit cruel, since we always genuinely loved him here. But let's face it, he robbed the Mets blind, nearly destroyed Jose Reyes, and sucked the big one on the field.
8. Mike Hampton. Still getting injured. Still amusing. It's unbelievable that the Br*ves are actually getting the bad end of that deal with the cRockies, but its true. Looks like the Mike Hampton fan sites haven't been updated in a while. HahAhahaHahahaaAa!
7. Ok well he didn't get nabbed as much as the other dopes on this list, but at some point adulterer Lawrence Jones' badmouthing of his team mates and other MVP candidates has to catch up with "U Kno Who." Not to mention accusing Arod of steroid use in so many words.
6. The New York Yankees, in general. Seem to have won the whole standoff with Arod, if by winning you mean further demeaning and alienating their best player. This season enjoy the too young or very old rotation take their lumps, but be sure to save some time to watch the decline of Derek "Every Kind of Mo" Jeter. Should also be interesting to watch the inevitable meltdown between Joe Girardi and Hank, two guys who just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
5. The 2000 Yankees, in specific, get a big * next to their world series "victory" when the Mitchell Report named Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, Denny Neagle, Glenallen Hill, and Jose Canseco as big fat cheats. Speculation over whether the Spanks cheated their way to a title has run rampant since then, but one thing is clear: the Yankees cheated their way to a title. Team beverage? Juicy Juice.
4. Armando Benitez
Apparently, major clubs balked at signing this jackass until very recently, when the Blue Jays, a team known for making poor pitching personnel decisions, bit. So assuming he makes the squad, he is a lock to retain his title as the major's dumbest active pitcher.
3. My favorite quote of the off-season: "It is believed that Scott Spiezio was hiding behind this door." (from police report over Scott Spiezio incident on Dec 30)
That's apparently his own wife on his arm. Classy.
St. Louis' fuck-chinned bastard got what's coming to him. The Cardinals promptly waived his ass after just one alcohol fueled night of car crashing, friend beating, and hiding in his own closet from the cops.
2. Andy Pettitte, shown here with his wife, who got out of this without a scratch. His dad? Not so much.
Let's be clear. Mr I-love-Jesus lies to the press, recants his story, modifies it so that it incriminates his own father, and is somehow celebrated as a truthy guy? Andy's snow job is one of the more disappointing things to come out of this whole tempest, but hopefully he'll get some dirty looks in church because of it.
Confirmed drug abuser, and inarticulate actor who plays boxers who insist on fighting with their guards down
1. Roger Clemens. What can you say about a piece of shit like Roger? Now that he's lied to Congress, expect a trip to the big house for Roger. Hey Roger, when your bunkmate violates you that first time, hopefully he won't say he "thought it was the ball."