It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, December 29, 2008

A Spiteful Review of Major League Baseball 2008

Another rotten year, dreams dashed, sense of pride insulted, etc. In retrospect, the entire season seems to have been designed to devastate Mets fans.  In the end, Scott K*zmir couldn't even keep the Philmes from lucking into the World Series title.  If it was up to me, these would be the top stories of 2008:

Derek Jeter's War on America's Sweethearts
How a guy with a haircut like that can get any tail is history's greatest puzzle. But our current riddle is how Jeter continues to get away with his un-American activities. Besides being a millionaire tax cheat, how else does Jeter express his hatred of America? I'm glad you asked. By systematically giving America's treasures venerial diseases. I think everyone agrees we won't hold Marriah Carrey against him, but get your mitts off of Scarlett Johansen, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Hanna Montana, ass-face! It's a shame that our media was distracted by being led into war twice, re-electing a buffoon, and covering an election in the years since Jeter launched his campaign to spoil our young starlets.

Roger Clemens' Bunkmates
It's a shame that no one is talking about the disgrace known as Roidger anymore. Major League Baseball used 2008 to try to recover from the scandals of 2007, and for the most part they succeeded, distracting us with other scandals such as the shoddy quality of their media services, exorbitant Icarusian price increases etc.

It was mostly over for Clemens when none other than best buddy Andy Pettite salvaged his own reputation by singing like a canary on Clemens' drug use. Clemen's testimony was in part undermined by a hilarious story he used to tell about his wife and wife-of-Jose Jessica Canseco's comparing their fake tits at the very 1998 party he claimed not to have attended. Well we understand Roger, a story that hilarious just has to be told to locker rooms across the country! My guess is that Jolly Roger is least concerned with the charge of objectifying women, especially as his attentions turn to his new sleeping arrangements.

His 10 year defiling of his marriage (with Paulette Dean Daly and others) to junior light heavyweight Debby Clemens is also probably not tops on his mind either. Of course, pedophiles are probably NOT given the benefit of the doubt in the , and any inmate who can read will no doubt be aware of Clemens' affair with 15 year old country "star" Mindy McCready. Cheating your way to 7 Cy Youngs is nothing compared to violating children.

Mitchell Report
Still no charges have been filed in Clemens' attempted murder of Mike Piazza. But everyone knows the Yanks cheated their way to World Series victory over the Mets in 2000*, so that will have to be good enough. Perhaps a little review of those journalists who implausibly stood by Clemens--propping up his implausible story with "impartiality" when the depravity of his character was plain as day--would be nice too.

Selig takes another dump on America and its past-time.

Bite Me, Bud 2008: The MLB's Secret Plan to Increase Your Cable Bill

Why haven't we heard much about the MLB TV package that was supposed to start next season and was the cause of so much angst two springs ago? Probably because Bud Selig is a devious motherfunker devoted to screwing loyal fans, but we shall see.  I humbly submitted my comprehensive coverage of the MLB ExtraInnings cable outrage to the Pulitzer committee a few years back but have yet to hear back.  So the new network is supposed to start around the New Year, and I have no idea what this will mean to Extra Innings subscribers, or my wallet but I doubt it will be sunshine and flowers.  None of the programming mentioned seems to be essential (i.e., game broadcasts) so far, so I'm waiting for the other cleat to drop, but the fact that they hired Traitor Al Leiter does not bode well

Bite Me Bud, Part II: Fans Welcome Pirates when Pro Leagues Menace Sports Fans

An article in the New York Times, "Online Piracy Menaces Pro Sports,"  Tim Arango almost completely misses the boat, writing from the corporate perspective instead of bothering to ask why these "pirate" sites become necessary. Although the article mentions how the NFL's petty feuding forces fans to use back channels to see NFL games, not mentioned is the MLB policies that drive baseball fans to use TVants and other terrific, life-saving "pirate" sites.  Also not mentioned is that fans are irate. Fans that want to watch a pivotal Saturday game are shit out of luck because fans are the last thing MLB thinks of when licensing their products.  The MLB essentially sells its games twice, once to Faux Network, then to fans that pay for the "Extra-Innings" package.  On the West coast, the MLB and Faux black out games, even when Faux isn't showing them, thus making it impossible to see them!!  In effect, baseball has betrayed baseball's trust, greedily trying to profit by selling the games twice and ripping off everyone by denying even paying fans the ability to see baseball games. A New York Times columnist should be able to figure this out when the league America lets broadcast baseball keeps the games from being broadcast. 

Honorable Mention:

The Corpse of Joe Torre, thrown away by the Spankers, gets his new team the Dodgers into playoffs, with an assist from Red Sox.

MLB's shameful cover-ups of major league asshats beating women is covered nicely by Can't Stop the Bleeding. Brian Giles attacks a pregnant woman and Bud is still too busy trying to squeeze money out of the fans? That's more outrageous than Citi Field price hikes/abuse of season ticket plan holders.

Well that's it for now.  May your new year turn out to be as classy as Scott Spiezio, as lively as a Mike Hampton fansite, and as randy as a Jose Reyes hotel room!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Holiday Curse Claims Mike Pelfrey

Because this blog is all about helping people, no matter the size of their paychecks, I hereby issue my annual reminder to any Mets out there who might be reading: whatever you do, do not be photographed in Christmas gear. Particularly if you want to have a future with the Mets. Save David Wright, no Met has ever survived Christmas' War on Mets. It may be too late for Mike Pelfrey, this year's victim, who is heaping bad mojo upon his bad mojo in his comments to Marty "Pants" Noble (who it must be said is in quite the playful, I'm- a-reporter-for-Parade-not-the-most-curmodgeonly-beat-reporter-ever mode):
Then what? What do you want [for Christmas]?

Pelfrey: Back to the memorabilia. That stuff is cool. ... I was a big Braves fan -- (Tom) Glavine, (John) Smoltz and (Greg) Maddux. David Justice was my idol.

Davyboy made it through the party in 2007, but look closer at who else was there:

New York Mets third baseman David Wright , left, dressed as Santa Claus, poses with Mets manager Willie Randolph, right, Melissa Hidalgo, 7, center of the Bronx, and a person dressed as the baseball team's mascot,  Mr. Met, as Wright hands out gifts to children from public schools  throughout the New York metropolitan area at the Mets' annual holiday party, Wednesday, Dec. 13, 2006, at Shea Stadium in New York.  (AP Photo/Frank Franklin II) From AP Photo by Frank Franklin II.

In addition to lunch and their presents from Santa Claus, who was assisted by Willie Randolph and his family, Julio Franco gave each child a parting gift of a Mets backpack of souvenirs as they headed to their school buses.

Enough with the dire warnings. Close your eyes tonight, and let the visions of Manny Ramirez in Citifield's leftfield make your night magical. (New Argument: Manny doesn't want to be a Dodger, he really wants to be a Yankee but the Yanks probably won't throw any more money around this year, so the Mets can sign him for a year or two at a reasonable salary, after which the Yanks will have freed up room in their "budget" and he can go become their fifth highest player in the history of baseball to join their roster). Have a wonderful holiday season!

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Monday, December 22, 2008

David Wright is Not Porking Erin Andrews and Other Developments
The boys' crotches in... uh, happier times.

It seems that this rumor was just a hoax, or was this hoax just a rumor? In any event, now I have to find something else to put under the Christmas tree this year for Jaap.


At least Davyboy is a little more discerning in his choice of dalliances than his goofy pal, Jose Reyes. Do to previous commitments, I might have to break a promise to myself to spend the off-season reading up on Jose's cheating ways, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Or check out his "road beef's" website, a tribute to the virtues of "beauty and brains" and featuring the best strategic use of playing cards since Rickey and Bobby roamed the Mets clubhouse.


I hear tell that the new Mets pitcher (he of the unspoken surname), J.J. Putz is something of a practical joker, which should be a nice match with the Mets clubhouse where the climate ranges from boredom to impotence, depending on which collapse is under discussion. The old Mets idea of clubhouse fun was having Billy Wagner tape a threatening, if misspelled, note to your locker, or watching Carlos Delgado age.


Poor, out-of-his-weight-class Will Leitch's "analysis" of the Pedro Martinez era is drawing much notice around the innertubes, mostly for its comically unforced inaccuracies. Though I have been a critic of the Petey signing (mostly in easy, hindsight mode I admit), this "effort" mostly just proves the enduring wisdom of the proverb provided by the late FJM, that in modern sports writing, "you can just say anything you want and no one will care."

Davidoff thinks Omar might be learning from his mistakes, particularly the ones where he signs and resigns oldsters for their clubhouse magic. I dunno 'bout that, but for those keeping score, there is an interesting list of the 7 over 40 yrs old players whose convalescence Omar helped fund in his term so far. Can you guess them all without cheating?* Omar certainly has not stopped throwing gobs of money at the "best" players available each winter. Me, I'm pretty sure that Omar still falls for the extended warranty every trip to Radio Shack.


Sorry lord, but Andy Pettite is a goddamned serial liar, and the "media" refuses to call him out. A true Yankee. First, he implicates his own father while selling out best buddy Roidger Clemens, now he and agents spread a bald-faced lie about having a three year, $36 million offer from a mystery bidder. Is that what Jesus would do, Andy? If Pettite told me the sky was blue, I'd step outside for some fact checking and I'd bring an umbrella.


In Aaron Heilman news, Aaron is already making demands in Seattle, and picking out his closer music (or rather, his wife is on it). Things are looking up for Aaron (who thinks consistency is his biggest problem) because there is ample parking in Peoria, AZ, the home of the Mariner's spring training facility. A team that resented Ichiro for playing through injury is gonna love this guy!


Today marks the tense Day 51 of Orlando Hernandez' Free Agency. Do you know where your GM is?

*Sadly Alomar Jr., Old Man Moises Alou, Jeff Conine!, Julio Franco-stein, Toothless Gl*vine, Old Duque! and Roberto Hernandez. Betcha didn't remember Conine or guess that Luis Castillo was not 40!

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Saturday, December 20, 2008

Measuring the Strength of Your Metfandom

The Mets 2008 season was a trying time for all of us. After signing Johan Santana, it seemed that the 2007 collapse would turn out to be an anomaly, and the Mets would not be denied a deep run into the playoffs that would pay back all of our rabid support and then some. And when we heard the word "collapse" we'd laugh. Oh how we'd laugh.

How well do you know your Mets? And perhaps more importantly, how unbalanced have you become as a result of suffering through Mets 2008 season? Take this handy quiz to get some clues as to your current mental situation.

1. In the months after the Mets blew the season, what did you spend more time on?

A. Drafting death threats to various members of Mets bullpen and having to spell-check Schoeneweis over and over again.
B. Focusing on the election as a welcome distraction from the Phillies heinous march to the world series.
C. Focusing on the election as a welcome distraction from the Phillies lucking into a world series title.
D. I didn't realize there was an election.

2. Which of the following two photos do you find more terrifying?
 Lieutenant Col. David Cogdell helps Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin test out the Engagement Skills Trainer

or B?

3. The photo below is of:
A. Bud Selig calling the All Star game a tie
B. Bud Selig calling off the 2008 World Series
C. Mets owner Fred Wilpon answering fan question about the Mets' long-range organizational strategy.

4. This photo portrays:

A. Gary Carter on the job hunt.
B. A member of the Mets braintrust approving another El Duque contract.
C. Mike Pelfrey's arch enemy Cody Ross celebrating after striking a key, late-season offensive blow against the Mets.

5. The always family-friendly Mets recently acquired a new pitcher whose surname is so offensive, so terrible to hear, that they cannot bear to use it and they will only refer to him by his first initials in press releases. In Yiddish, J.J. Putz' last name means:
A. "Farm system"
B. "Aaron Heilman"
C. "Willie Ball"

6. During the season, you plan to get all your news and information about the Mets from:
A. Fox News
B. Itsmetsforme at
C. Itsmetsforme, for Mets news and my world news too.
D. This guy.

7. After making a flurry of moves that he should have made a year ago, this winter the Mets GM has rid the bullpen of most of the cause of this year's annual collapse. Last season he failed to rid the team of all the aging, unreliable players he signed and in fact added a couple to the pile. What do you think Omar Minaya will be doing or undoing this time next year?

A. Ridding the team of expensive, injured starting pitchers.
B. Nigerian email scamming
C. Picking up the ESPN shifts Steve Phillips doesn't want.

8. Your plans for the weekend when the Mets play their last series of the 2009 season with the Florida Marlins are:

A. Placing some serious bets and actually making some cash on this collapse thing.
B. Enjoying the clean lawn, open skies, and ennobling comradery of a nice cricket match.
C. Hiding in Cody Ross' carport with a crowbar and a bull mask.

Answers to be revealed in some future post.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

Minaya Regime Must Deliver Mets Playoff Berth ...or risk being run out of town after making a video where he talks to his dog

Ok, this has no connection to the Mets. But it is more disturbing than the last video I posted. You have to see it.

It's ok, America, we still have baseball.

Actually it's too bad we can only get rid of one of these guys:

Somehow successful figurehead poses with brainless doofus.


Lowe better sign with the Mets. That is all. 


Monday, December 15, 2008

Top Ten Chapter Titles of Scott Bora$ Book on Oliver Perez

Item: the Mets are still considering re-signing Oliver Perez, who continues to sit on the market attracting little interest even though as you will recall, his agent, none-other-than Scott Boras, has penned a book about him. Here are some of the chapter titles Boras might have reconsidered if he wanted a Burnett-like free-agent feeding frenzy for Ollie, who he claims should be thought of in the same group as Koufax, Johan Santana, CC Sabathia, and Cy Young.

10. "The Day Ollie Forgot his Pants!"
9. “Perez Turns Corner in 2006, Runs into Wedding Cake Carried by some Friendly Clowns”
8. “Oliver Wins the Balsa Wood Boat Regatta at Cub Scout Troop 383 Scout Jamboree”
7. “A Rare Young Left-Handed Starting Pitcher, Available on the Free-Agent Market, and for Parties”
6. "Showers are for big boys!"
5. “Ollie shares a Cab with Johan and CC”
4. “Why was Billy So Mean to one of Baseball’s Top 5 Left-Handed Starting Pitchers?”
3. "Ollie is One of America's Next Top Models"
2. “Perez Eats Innings and also, a Credit Card Once Accidentally”
1. “Sure Perez Wants More Money Than God, But Not as Much as Zito"

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Show Must Go...on

Beautiful. I've spelled Showenshitbag for the last time. Scott Schoeneweis flat out sucked, and he sucked in such a way that if not for Aaron Heilman, the torched up mob would be chasing his ass into a castle. Not that he wasn't a nice guy and I didn't feel for him occasionally, particularly when he handled lefties, but he sucked in a way that would inspire poets. History will remember Scott Schoeneweis for sucking.

It certainly inspired me to dream a little dream. In fact, I once commented:
It's all i can do not to dream of the day we're free of Errant, Pedreadful, and Shownblow. We have the science. We know they can't get the job done.

Show sucked on a plane, he sucked on a train, he sucked in the rain, he sucked in pain, he sucked with one ball, he sucked at baseball, he sucked in a riot, he sucked on a diet, he sucked and got booed, he sucked through and through.

So I'm willing to risk my hard-won reputation for editorial balance, just one post after ripping Omar a new turkey hole,to turn around and applaud the little bastard for giving his pen an enema. In case you were wondering how magnanimous it can get around here. So rarely do I get exactly what I want with this team (i.e. competent forward looking management) I don't know how to react to Omar's house cleaning. There is one thing yet undone.
Pedro please make this easy on yourself and turn yourself in!

It would be nice if he just left under his own power, but the barn brooming isn't done as long as Pedreadful Felice-Navidad-For-Opposing-Hitters ever dons the Orange and Blue again. He. Has. Got. To. Go. As Morris Day would say, "U aint gotta go home, but u gotta get the helloutofhere..."

Actually, I think Morrissey captures the moment well.

Good times for a change
See the luck I've had
Could make a good man turn bad

So please, please, please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
See the life I've had
Could make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time
Lord knows it would be the first time

This video could be seen as a tribute to those who suffered Mets past two seasons; it certainly makes me feel similarly. How many times have we Met fans been the guy still in the elevator at the end?


Friday, December 12, 2008

Doh'mar: Dumb Shit Omar's Saying
Omar Minaya discusses the size of Aaron Heilman's love handles.

According to Fanhouse, Omar "had a simple message for the folks in New York who keep bothering him when he goes out to get his morning bagels. "To you Mets fans, we've addressed the bullpen by getting Mr. Putz," he said.

Thanks for clarifying that Omar. Who else cares? Would it have too been tasteless to begin his statement "To you Mariners fans..."? Did the original speach have a passage starting "To you Aaron Heilman fans"...? He just blathers on and on.
Omar welcomes K-Rod to the Mets.

This winter has been dreary without mention of Bean Stringfellow. Ol' Bean is probably in his castle made of marzipan lording over the other elves and counting the money he made on Billy Goat Wagner's huge contract. If you're into this kind of thing, go compare November 2005's reports about Wags the Tongue , Mr. best available closer, with this week's signing of the best available closer. If you don't have the time, let me just whet your appetite with some remarks relevant to contemporary concerns:

Wagner, [who chose the Mets over resigning with his old club the Philadelphia Phillies] again distinguished between the Mets who, he said, were intent on winning, and the Phillies, whom he characterized as "trying to be competitive."

Sigh. If John Franco was our Korean War (never ended), Armando was Vietnam (a bad idea, a morass) , Goat was the Gulf War '91 (seemed like a sucess at the time but apparently didn't go far enough). What's next?

Now that we don't have Willie to kick around any more, let's do tune into Omar's frequency, courtesy of Steve Popper who has some truly Amazin' Stories...

Omar on getting another good starter:

"I can be a player - but depending on where the dollars are going," Minaya said. "The (number). two and three, you see what the price is going for right now - the $15-plus (million) range. I don’t know if that ballpark is an area we're going to be able to (be at), understanding not only do I have a $27 million pitcher this year (Johan Santana), but I have to carry Billy (Wagner’s) money. I’m carrying a lot of money back there. We'll free up something next year ,but I’m carrying a lot of money."

Interesting use of rhetoric to make it seem as though he is passively accepting a restraint imposed from elsewhere. Who made you carry a lot of money back there, Omar? Who? Is it that guy in the mirror? Is it? Answer me dammit. You're a "player" are you?

On being about to make a dumb wrong move:

Minaya said he didn't anticipate spending on a bat, dedicating his dollars to finishing up the pitching staff.

NoooOOoooOOOooo! Not dumb because the Mets don't need pitching mind you. If you watched the Mets for any time at all recently you can see they need a offensive chemistry adjustment (not the same as signing anti-dinosaur self injuring players, mind you.) In baseball, offense is tightly linked to bats, the kind Omar doesn't anticipate spending on.

On Castillo, who is hated by his manager and a good part of the fanbase after being senselessly signed to a mulityear contract by Doh'mar.

"Right now, Castillo's going to be our second baseman," Minaya said. "I know he didn't have a good year, I know it's tough for him to come back. But this guy's been an All-Star, and a two-time World Series winner, a .300 hitter for 10 years.

When you have the kind of year that he has and you've got three years left, there's not many teams that are exactly going to be jumping and knocking down the door for Luis Castillo, you know what I'm saying? The cost issue will have to be kind of weighted, but the bottom line is he's our second baseman. He's not a player that there's a great market for him based upon the year he had last year."

We know, Omar. We know what you're sayin. In fact we knew it before you outbid the Astros for his services. We know it, not because we're omnipotent bloggers (although we are), but 'cause we used something my pappy used to call common fucking sense.

Amazin' Stories is a good description of the kind of stories Omar likes to tell a lot. "Maine was my main target." "Ollie was my goal all along." I needed to sign Pedro to get Beltran. Etc.
Minaya says he was motivated to upgrade the bullpen by his wish not to get shivved again in spring training.

Cole Hamels, the last time he talked smack to anyone.

The Pop-star is also reporting that Cole Tadpole Hamels is flapping his lips. Luckily for him he is picking on the folding chair of baseball, the NY Mets' pride. When old Jimmy Rollins talked smack, what did the Mets do? A year later, after collapsing and signing the best free agent pitcher on the planet, the Mets got around to having their firey centerfielder respond. Then they folded again.

Here's what Daryl Strawberry had to say about the matter, courtesy of Metsblog:

“That’s sad… If we had a team say that about us – oh, no – they were gonna be in trouble… I mean, it would definitely be hard if, in the days us playing, if somebody said that, I mean, we’d have stuck one right in his neck. We’d be fighting. There’s no way any one would be allowed to disrespect us like that, and that is what has happened to the Phillies.”

What's sad to me is that Straw puts it in painful perspective. Hellya, those 80s Mets didn't wait til someone said something like Cole Haan did, they didn't need an excuse. Jeesh Straw was taking swings at his teammates during photo day!

I know some fanboys don't like this kind of talk, that the Mets have no fight in them, but until this club shows it can triumph over adversity, they're the LA Lakers of the MLB, talking a bigger game than they play. Soft and weak and not champions.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mets Rid Themselves of Heilman, Land a Real Putz
Aaron Heilman contemplates one last NY Christmas with Snoopy before being shipped out to Seattle.

I admit, I was a bit disappointed so far: No deals with great names (not necessarily great players but great names) had yet to go through. No "morning, Wood" for my headlines. No "He Dunn gone and Did it." Not a trace of "A Penny wise, a dollar short."

But then Omar answered my wildest dreams. He landed a real Putz.

A Christmas Putz? Perhaps. Let the yuks begin!!
Even LOLcats are down with the idea of a dominant back of the bullpen!
Who you calling Putz?

"Fans, Sunday is JJ Putz soul patch day...first 20,000 fans get a soul patch facial hair application..."

Not sure if Omar perhaps gave away a smidgen too much, but he got a bonafide set up man while exorcising a nice swath of shitty 2006-8 bullpen. THE GUY IS 31 YRS OLD*, but now the Mets have a set up guy and potential replacement for Frank the Closer. I hope Pedreadful's ticket is next to be punched. He'd look nice in a Pirate uniform. Or a Pittsburgh Pirate uniform. No truth to the rumor that Ichiro tried to stowaway in Putz' checked baggage, since he's heard the Ibanez rumors too.
YES! we're gonna have so much fun!

What did the Mets get? A guy who was injured last year, with closer experience, a guy who was lights out a year ago. There's some potential there depending on how he grows into his new role. But I'm not that familiar with Putz the player. Putz the man. Putz the competitor. Who among us watched many Mariners games? If the song "A boy named Sue" is any indication, and of course it is, then we might have acquired one tough customer. But we won't know until we really get to know this Putz.
Oberst Franz Putz, possibly JJ's great uncle?

Of course I still want more relievers some offense, a decent bench for pete's sake and lordy lordy, three more servicable starters. And Pedreadful out of here too. Don't think I've forgotten you, Scott Showenshitbag.
Rumored value of Pedro Felicianoh on the open market.


Yes, of course I will holding a "Good Riddance Poopyface" gala extravaganza celebration. But these things take time. And planning.

The parking spot denied to Aaron Heilman now emptier than ever.

It's funny that the Gnats offered Mark Teixeira 140 mil and a 40 year sentence, er contract in DC. Is Garth Snow GM'ing the Washington club? In that clubhouse, they need to assure him his car won't be jacked while he takes batting practice. If the Red Sox land him, my first thought is, yikes. But then upon closer consideration, it seems to me that if the Mets can't have 'em, we want the Red Sox and Yankers to suck up as many stars as their bloated budgets can handle. After all, only one of them can come out of the AL East and go to the World Series.

And the Yanks looking to throw themselves on that old Medi-bomb AJ Burnett. That has me giggling, especially if it hurts the Br*ves plans. If Atlanta signs him, he'd probably turn into Cy Young.
Free agent Burnett fields lucrative free agent offers.


More Mariners Coming? Up next...
Will Raul miss his pals in Seattle as much as he misses baseballs hit to him?



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm O-K with this Rod

I realized I wouldn't really be a blogger if I didn't go at least moderately bat-shit over the closing of the deal with so-called "K-Rod" today, pending a physical. K-Rod apparently is urban slang for "mess up" but I won't hold that against him. As for the clamor coming from the bloggers unions for players with cool noun-like names "Wood", "Dunn"... well we'll have to hope to land on easy (Huston) Street soon. My emotional take on it? Ehh. I've seen this Christmas movie before, and we all know most Christmas movies do not repay subsequent viewings kindly. It's Billygoat all over again I'm sure, but the 'Goat had his moments. K-Rod isn't bad, he's just overrated, that's all. They certainly don't appear to have "overpayed." And the Mets can't lose 'em all, can they? Anyhow, it's better than not having a closer, because then the ball just rolls out to centerfield when the catcher throws it back during the 9th.

I can't get too excited about welcoming such a profligate sky-pointer to my club.

I am not big on sky pointing. I can think of a handful of Mets who actually qualify to point to the sky and they would never do such a thing.

However, I can imagine my readers, particularly those in secured bunkers, will want a run-down of the reactions to the deal. So...want to know what a complete and utter douchebag thinks about the deal? Wonder what a guy who looks like a militiaman and has a noun as a last name thinks? Know that elsewhere, some bring the wonders of replacement level thinking to the table, noting that the Mets, like American citizens in general, "are paying for about 2 WAR each season."

So is it a safe pick?
A big lazy-throw-money-at-the-problem solution?
A deft move?
An unavoidable inevitabiltiy?

I don't know. But what's done is done, and it really matters what the Mets do next. They need to rid the club of klutzy cancers like Aaron Heilman (hello Houston Street), part ways with useless cogs like Pedreadful FeliceNavidad-for-the-other-team. Then I am not kidding they need three more relievers at least. And they cannot cannot cannot sign Raul Ibanez to start in left, no no no daddy. If it is true that the "Mets, Ibanez spotted at Bellagio" as the headline reads, hopefully the Mets were at the Bellagio gambling their money on a good investment, like roullette or hookers. We need an Adam Dunn, ManRam, or something really smart that I didn't think of.

You see, without Huston, we have a problem.
Next up...can the Mets get this guy to walk down their street?

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Sunday, December 07, 2008

Wotta bunch of revoltin' developments
It's clobbering time?!?

I may be the ever-lovin' blue-eyed IMFM, ready to clobber something, but there really isn't much going on for the Mets. The ideas, such as they are, floating around the Mets Blargosphere seem to follow this formula: report some batshit rumor with a blog headline every 15 minutes, and vehemently disagree or agree depending on which way the cold wind is blowing.Well there is the typical embarrassments that find the Mets no matter what they do ("Tax Payer Field"), we could talk about that some more. At the risk of being accused of negativism, for (what's left of) my money, the big "developments" seem to be:

1) Derek Lowe (abetted by Bora$) is out of his flippin' mind (see below).
2) Any K-Rod signing will eventually be a big mistake.
3) Ibanez is a possibility for Omar and that is, in the words of Stevie Ray Vaughn, a cold shot baby (Go here, do, for a video interpretation of what the Mets would get if they signed Ibenhad for the outfield--hint: it can do the splits). Omar's disturbing words about what a great person Raul is:

"Last year we did talk to them during the trading deadline about him," Minaya said. "Unfortunately, we were not able to get a trade done. We've heard very good reports about him, not only as a player, but as a person. I understand the Phillies, they're one of the teams that's considering him. We are also keeping an eye on that situation, even though we're focusing right now on pitching primarily. But he is a good player."

4) Are the Mets toying with the idea of Heilman as a starter? Unbelievable but possible. (Ok really more of a question than a development.)
5) Metsies don't have the chips to make more sensible trades for bullpen help
6) Is Adam Dunn such a bad idea?
7) The idea that either one of Hellman or Pedreadful could be on this team next season makes me sick.
8) Tatis and Figgy...almost there!!

How Omar's lack of action thus far strikes you depends on your point of view, and perhaps your prescripton drugs. Either Omar is following a Deng Xiaoping-like* Tao Guang Yang Hui (韬光养晦) strategy, a perhaps sinister bidding of time until he strikes, or we clearly headed for Metastrophe IV. Guess which position I take?

Wacky World of Wilpons
What the hell is going on in Metsland?

Speaking of positions, New York’s City Councilmen and Staten Island Republicans Vincent Ignizio and James Oddo's posturing over the naming rights of Citifield has gotten a lot of press. They propose renaming the park "Taxpayer Field." Why us? the Wilpies must be thinking, we're no greedier than many other clubs (ahem-PRICE HIKE BULLSHIT-cough). The Mets seem never to be able to make a not-ultimately-embarrassing decision (Willie Randolph, Tom Gl*vine, etc etc etc etc.).

I have to admit, I share the curmudgeonly reporter outrage, though mine is a bit more muted (in-rage?), at the symbolic bending the public over and getting away with it. George Vecsey, who really really likes not-ex Met Jackie Robinson, is right to bust a nut over this, quoting Oddo who may be a Republican but gets points for cheekyness:

“A cheeky way to make a point,” said Oddo, who noted that his colleague, Ignizio, had the idea first. “These are complex issues,” Oddo added. “They go over my head, but this was a way to vent my frustration.”

Oddo was referring to the worldwide economic crisis brought about, in large part, by American buccaneer capitalists we seem to admire so much, unregulated by government. In terms of lives being affected, it’s hardly funny, except for the antic chutzpah of a failing corporation putting its name up in lights, with somebody else’s money — yours and mine.

“This is more of a case of using the office as a bully pulpit,” said Oddo, who does not claim the City Council has any legal power to take down the annoying name. The response on the Internet has made Oddo appreciate “the beauty of a snarky comment.” Previously known for his campaign to ban metal bats, claiming they are dangerous to young players, Oddo does not apologize for his varied interests.

“I can fill a pothole at the same time I spark a debate,” he said.

The Wilpon's couldn't say no to the cash, and now they got what's coming to them for not being more classy. Since it apparently already resembles Citizen's Bank park, why not name it Citizen's Tax Field at Flushing (Money) Park? They could do worse. One wonders if the Wilpons will run the promotion, seen in other venues, of having free tax preparation consultations one weekend game in April.


After a tour of Citifield, Matt Cerrone let this interesting tidbit out the other day:

The short porch in right field is intriguing. I do not envy the right fielder – Ryan Church, good luck with that. The view from these seats are pretty cool, actually, so much so that Jeff Wilpon told reporters he purchased season tickets for this section. I don’t blame him. I guarantee it will be a fun time up there.

Jeff Wilpon likes the outfield seats at the new park so much he purchased some? Making them even scarcer for fans? Fuck you very much, Jeff.

Lowe has some big balls.

Sometimes a statistical perspective is really really needed. The KRod hunt is one of those times. To drive the point home, a read-worthy column in today's NY Times deploys Win Probability Added (WPA) to remind me of why KRod scares the living bejesus out of me. In terms of his ability to affect his team’s chances of winning a game, KRod was only the 4th best reliever in the AL last year. But the real terror is his declining velocity at age 26. Remember when Billy Goat started throwing slider after slider and then started tinkering with his arsenal a few months into his stay in Flushing? Here we go again.

He's baaaack!!

Now Lowe is a different story. $18 million a season???? Competition with big market clubs like the Sawx and Spankers?? Oh this has not gone well. I think the Mets could get Rob Lowe at a more reasonable price. All I can say is that I hope Derek is filming this, cause once the bidding war is over, it will assuredly be all down hill. Get it? Because the baseball Lowe is trying to do for pitcher salaries what the actor Lowe did for sextape industry!


Time to hang up the Thing suit, but with the winter meetings just around the corner, I'm sure to have more blunders to cry about soon!

*from his famous 24-Characters: keep cool-headed to observe, be composed to make reactions, stand firmly, hide our capabilities and bide our time, never try to take the lead, and be able to accomplish something. As worded, can either reassure, or scare the shit out of US strategic planners.

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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.