It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, December 29, 2008

A Spiteful Review of Major League Baseball 2008

Another rotten year, dreams dashed, sense of pride insulted, etc. In retrospect, the entire season seems to have been designed to devastate Mets fans.  In the end, Scott K*zmir couldn't even keep the Philmes from lucking into the World Series title.  If it was up to me, these would be the top stories of 2008:

Derek Jeter's War on America's Sweethearts
How a guy with a haircut like that can get any tail is history's greatest puzzle. But our current riddle is how Jeter continues to get away with his un-American activities. Besides being a millionaire tax cheat, how else does Jeter express his hatred of America? I'm glad you asked. By systematically giving America's treasures venerial diseases. I think everyone agrees we won't hold Marriah Carrey against him, but get your mitts off of Scarlett Johansen, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Hanna Montana, ass-face! It's a shame that our media was distracted by being led into war twice, re-electing a buffoon, and covering an election in the years since Jeter launched his campaign to spoil our young starlets.

Roger Clemens' Bunkmates
It's a shame that no one is talking about the disgrace known as Roidger anymore. Major League Baseball used 2008 to try to recover from the scandals of 2007, and for the most part they succeeded, distracting us with other scandals such as the shoddy quality of their media services, exorbitant Icarusian price increases etc.

It was mostly over for Clemens when none other than best buddy Andy Pettite salvaged his own reputation by singing like a canary on Clemens' drug use. Clemen's testimony was in part undermined by a hilarious story he used to tell about his wife and wife-of-Jose Jessica Canseco's comparing their fake tits at the very 1998 party he claimed not to have attended. Well we understand Roger, a story that hilarious just has to be told to locker rooms across the country! My guess is that Jolly Roger is least concerned with the charge of objectifying women, especially as his attentions turn to his new sleeping arrangements.

His 10 year defiling of his marriage (with Paulette Dean Daly and others) to junior light heavyweight Debby Clemens is also probably not tops on his mind either. Of course, pedophiles are probably NOT given the benefit of the doubt in the , and any inmate who can read will no doubt be aware of Clemens' affair with 15 year old country "star" Mindy McCready. Cheating your way to 7 Cy Youngs is nothing compared to violating children.

Mitchell Report
Still no charges have been filed in Clemens' attempted murder of Mike Piazza. But everyone knows the Yanks cheated their way to World Series victory over the Mets in 2000*, so that will have to be good enough. Perhaps a little review of those journalists who implausibly stood by Clemens--propping up his implausible story with "impartiality" when the depravity of his character was plain as day--would be nice too.

Selig takes another dump on America and its past-time.

Bite Me, Bud 2008: The MLB's Secret Plan to Increase Your Cable Bill

Why haven't we heard much about the MLB TV package that was supposed to start next season and was the cause of so much angst two springs ago? Probably because Bud Selig is a devious motherfunker devoted to screwing loyal fans, but we shall see.  I humbly submitted my comprehensive coverage of the MLB ExtraInnings cable outrage to the Pulitzer committee a few years back but have yet to hear back.  So the new network is supposed to start around the New Year, and I have no idea what this will mean to Extra Innings subscribers, or my wallet but I doubt it will be sunshine and flowers.  None of the programming mentioned seems to be essential (i.e., game broadcasts) so far, so I'm waiting for the other cleat to drop, but the fact that they hired Traitor Al Leiter does not bode well

Bite Me Bud, Part II: Fans Welcome Pirates when Pro Leagues Menace Sports Fans

An article in the New York Times, "Online Piracy Menaces Pro Sports,"  Tim Arango almost completely misses the boat, writing from the corporate perspective instead of bothering to ask why these "pirate" sites become necessary. Although the article mentions how the NFL's petty feuding forces fans to use back channels to see NFL games, not mentioned is the MLB policies that drive baseball fans to use TVants and other terrific, life-saving "pirate" sites.  Also not mentioned is that fans are irate. Fans that want to watch a pivotal Saturday game are shit out of luck because fans are the last thing MLB thinks of when licensing their products.  The MLB essentially sells its games twice, once to Faux Network, then to fans that pay for the "Extra-Innings" package.  On the West coast, the MLB and Faux black out games, even when Faux isn't showing them, thus making it impossible to see them!!  In effect, baseball has betrayed baseball's trust, greedily trying to profit by selling the games twice and ripping off everyone by denying even paying fans the ability to see baseball games. A New York Times columnist should be able to figure this out when the league America lets broadcast baseball keeps the games from being broadcast. 

Honorable Mention:

The Corpse of Joe Torre, thrown away by the Spankers, gets his new team the Dodgers into playoffs, with an assist from Red Sox.

MLB's shameful cover-ups of major league asshats beating women is covered nicely by Can't Stop the Bleeding. Brian Giles attacks a pregnant woman and Bud is still too busy trying to squeeze money out of the fans? That's more outrageous than Citi Field price hikes/abuse of season ticket plan holders.

Well that's it for now.  May your new year turn out to be as classy as Scott Spiezio, as lively as a Mike Hampton fansite, and as randy as a Jose Reyes hotel room!


  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    I feel a real sense of nostalgia for the Roger Clemens scandal era. It's amazing how quickly that all subsided when he FINALLY SHUT UP and stopped his comically aggressive PR campaign. Imagine if, early on, he'd just made a forceful denial, along with some vague legal threats, then just retreated to his gated community and kept quiet. There would likely have been no congressional testimony, no further revelations from McNamee re Debbie's use, and no spilling of the beans by Mindy McCready.

    But it was much more fun as it was.

  • At 12:09 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Silly person. Didn't you know that it is OKAY to have and to transmit herpes if you are Derek Jeter? It is also okay to engage in threesomes, foursomes, eightsomes and ninesomes if you are Derek Jeter. For anyone else these activities would be be frowned upon as inappropriate for a "role model." Derek Jeter is the Barack Obama odf baseball. Or is it the other way round?

  • At 12:46 AM, Anonymous Cver said…

    Great job with this and a great year for IMFM and Happy New Year to You and Everyone Here!

  • At 6:54 AM, Blogger katherine said…

    Just opened my NY Mets 2009 Wall Calendar. Every year this calender devotes pages to players who have been traded, demoted, injured or disgraced. This year I will spend a total of 5 months looking at large size photos of: Luis Castillo, Joe Smith, Endy Chavez, Billy Wagner and Marlon Anderson.

  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Katherine, does the Met calendar acknowledge the month of Septemb er this year?

  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    yes - but the picture of that month is of Billy Wagner. I hope that isn't symbolic of anything.

  • At 2:45 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    That calendar story is both priceless and ominous. Speaking of disgraced, isn't it nice to know that after our GM signed on for some more years, he will be in charge of making sure that the Lame Ducks stay in good physical condition?!

    In other Met-related news Tuesday, President Bush appointed Minaya to the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports.

    Also in there is something about a Citizens Bank Chan Ho Parking Lot.

  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    guys you scooped me with the calendar (hilarious) and Omar's new duties on the Council (isn't that the that launched Aaa-nold's political career?)

    a younger IMFM would have been all over those stories.

  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    And, IMFM, what about the latest news that JC Romero tested positive for a testosterone booster? Therefore totally invalidating the Phillies' WS victory? And another thing - did you see the spring training schedule has been posted? Feb 25th vs the Orioles! Yay!


    Completely stupid and masochistic fan who comes back every year no matter what.

  • At 1:09 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    SM*LTZ on the verge of signing with the RED SOX!:

  • At 10:54 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Is Smoltz going to be a starter or a reliever?

    Katherine: I am now a Met fan in name only. After 47 years of this, I can no longer root for this particular bunch. I will politely watch the games and hope that they win. But I will not invest even an ounce of emotion in my game viewing. I know it is futile to wait for the Wilpons to sell. So I will just wait for Omar to get shown the door and see what comes after. It could be that I will remain a Teflon fan for the rest of my life. I really do not like this organization right now. I would really like a G.M. who does not sound like Carolyn Kennedy when he speaks. Or can only do "one thing at a time." Hell, anyone can do that. I am not too fond of Bernazard either. Good luck with your masochism. Remember: martyrdom is always an option.

  • At 2:25 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    IMDB, while it is still topical, could you please give a review with your own warped spin to this cult classic:

  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    well Cver, its a movie that should be about a lovable misfit named Manny really, but Lo does steal the money in the end.

    One wonders about the strategy of advertising a movie over the internet at that time--did they really have an internet in 1996?--i dont work for the DoD so that explains why i've never heard of it.

    If Lowe wants to go the Br*ves for less money and lose, then he can go screw.

    I'm ranging into Jdon territory with my desperation for a new signing. I pretty much want to sign everyone i read about at this point in the winter. I don't understand the Wilpies reluctance on Manny--did they try to buy his grill on ebay or something and lose out on the bidding? I also would give Romero an incentive laced deal--he's better than Mota. I would have signed Smoltz and made him wear a pink uniform and a cowbell--he's better than Glavine and Pedro.

    Enough with Tim Tibow!

  • At 6:24 AM, Blogger sarah said…

    I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.



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