A Spiteful Review of Major League Baseball 2008

Another rotten year, dreams dashed, sense of pride insulted, etc. In retrospect, the entire season seems to have been designed to devastate Mets fans.  In the end, Scott K*zmir couldn't even keep the Philmes from lucking into the World Series title.  If it was up to me, these would be the top stories of 2008:

Derek Jeter's War on America's Sweethearts
How a guy with a haircut like that can get any tail is history's greatest puzzle. But our current riddle is how Jeter continues to get away with his un-American activities. Besides being a millionaire tax cheat, how else does Jeter express his hatred of America? I'm glad you asked. By systematically giving America's treasures venerial diseases. I think everyone agrees we won't hold Marriah Carrey against him, but get your mitts off of Scarlett Johansen, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, and Hanna Montana, ass-face! It's a shame that our media was distracted by being led into war twice, re-electing a buffoon, and covering an election in the years since Jeter launched his campaign to spoil our young starlets.

Roger Clemens' Bunkmates
It's a shame that no one is talking about the disgrace known as Roidger anymore. Major League Baseball used 2008 to try to recover from the scandals of 2007, and for the most part they succeeded, distracting us with other scandals such as the shoddy quality of their media services, exorbitant Icarusian price increases etc.

It was mostly over for Clemens when none other than best buddy Andy Pettite salvaged his own reputation by singing like a canary on Clemens' drug use. Clemen's testimony was in part undermined by a hilarious story he used to tell about his wife and wife-of-Jose Jessica Canseco's comparing their fake tits at the very 1998 party he claimed not to have attended. Well we understand Roger, a story that hilarious just has to be told to locker rooms across the country! My guess is that Jolly Roger is least concerned with the charge of objectifying women, especially as his attentions turn to his new sleeping arrangements.

His 10 year defiling of his marriage (with Paulette Dean Daly and others) to junior light heavyweight Debby Clemens is also probably not tops on his mind either. Of course, pedophiles are probably NOT given the benefit of the doubt in the , and any inmate who can read will no doubt be aware of Clemens' affair with 15 year old country "star" Mindy McCready. Cheating your way to 7 Cy Youngs is nothing compared to violating children.

Still no charges have been filed in Clemens' attempted murder of Mike Piazza. But everyone knows the Yanks cheated their way to World Series victory over the Mets in 2000*, so that will have to be good enough. Perhaps a little review of those journalists who implausibly stood by Clemens--propping up his implausible story with "impartiality" when the depravity of his character was plain as day--would be nice too.

Selig takes another dump on America and its past-time.

Bite Me, Bud 2008: The MLB's Secret Plan to Increase Your Cable Bill

Why haven't we heard much about the MLB TV package that was supposed to start next season and was the cause of so much angst two springs ago? Probably because Bud Selig is a devious motherfunker devoted to screwing loyal fans, but we shall see.  I humbly submitted my comprehensive coverage of the MLB ExtraInnings cable outrage to the Pulitzer committee a few years back but have yet to hear back.  So the new network is supposed to start around the New Year, and I have no idea what this will mean to Extra Innings subscribers, or my wallet but I doubt it will be sunshine and flowers.  None of the programming mentioned seems to be essential (i.e., game broadcasts) so far, so I'm waiting for the other cleat to drop, but the fact that they hired Traitor Al Leiter does not bode well. 

Bite Me Bud, Part II: Fans Welcome Pirates when Pro Leagues Menace Sports Fans

An article in the New York Times, "Online Piracy Menaces Pro Sports,"  Tim Arango almost completely misses the boat, writing from the corporate perspective instead of bothering to ask why these "pirate" sites become necessary. Although the article mentions how the NFL's petty feuding forces fans to use back channels to see NFL games, not mentioned is the MLB policies that drive baseball fans to use TVants and other terrific, life-saving "pirate" sites.  Also not mentioned is that fans are irate. Fans that want to watch a pivotal Saturday game are shit out of luck because fans are the last thing MLB thinks of when licensing their products.  The MLB essentially sells its games twice, once to Faux Network, then to fans that pay for the "Extra-Innings" package.  On the West coast, the MLB and Faux black out games, even when Faux isn't showing them, thus making it impossible to see them!!  In effect, baseball has betrayed baseball's trust, greedily trying to profit by selling the games twice and ripping off everyone by denying even paying fans the ability to see baseball games. A New York Times columnist should be able to figure this out when the league America lets broadcast baseball keeps the games from being broadcast. 

Honorable Mention:

The Corpse of Joe Torre, thrown away by the Spankers, gets his new team the Dodgers into playoffs, with an assist from Red Sox.

MLB's shameful cover-ups of major league asshats beating women is covered nicely by Can't Stop the Bleeding. Brian Giles attacks a pregnant woman and Bud is still too busy trying to squeeze money out of the fans? That's more outrageous than Citi Field price hikes/abuse of season ticket plan holders.

Well that's it for now.  May your new year turn out to be as classy as Scott Spiezio, as lively as a Mike Hampton fansite, and as randy as a Jose Reyes hotel room!