It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, May 14, 2007

Cubs Wheel Cliff Floyd into Shea to Visit the Mets

Tonight the Mets start a series against the pathetic Cubs. I don't really know what to expect here, anymore than I can explain the Moises Alou figurine above. Is that a beak?

Anyhow, someone should do a "tale of the tape" to compare Old Man Moises' injury record to Uncle Cliffs. Both guys can mash when they're not M*A*S*H-ing. Let's get to the important stuff.

Sweet Lou has less time to relax these days with the Doomed Cubs


"I remind myself of the power of thought and how it's my obligation as a citizen (and student) of humanity to propel compassion"--Alyssa Milano

Well, now that I have been censored three times (personally by Alyssa Milano herself I must suppose), I am starting to wonder about both about my project to welcome Alyssa into the family of serious baseball enthusiasts, and her mission to "propel compassion."

How can she continue along her path, without answering my challenge? How could she just dismiss me as another crank on the internet? How is that possible? I mean, I'm so handsome!

"I am chafed, but idealism becomes a slave."--Alyssa Milano

Maybe it's because I asked what this inspirational sentence means exactly? Why are you chafed? Is it because of a jogbra? Maybe she's censoring me because I once called her an "MLB hoodrat," a comment which I totally take back now. Or because I threatened to take my action to Drew Barrymore's Red Sox blog?

"If it is the end, if it is the beginning, I must be pure of intentions and open my eyes and heart to the suffering of humanity" --Alyssa Milano

What about my suffering, Alyssa? Having to know that I have so much to teach you about baseball, but yet knowing that you must realize this on your own, on your own schedule, as your own journey dictates. But it's so frustrating.

"I'm not even asking for all the answers to my questions neatly packaged and spoken by the handsome Anderson Cooper. Although it would be nice...You know." --Alyssa Milano

Wait a minute. You think that guy is handsome? Well maybe I do have a chance. And, Alyssa, I am asking for all the answers to my questions, neatly packaged or otherwise.

"Time is an amazing enigma in which seeds that were planted can turn into a vibrant garden if properly pruned." --Alyssa Milano

Ok, well I may be able to help out here a bit. First, you have to pick a metaphor and stick with it. Otherwise, you can't inspire anyone but gardeners who can't speak English. You don't prune seeds. Also "amazing" is an adjective that should be avoided--it just kind of makes you look lazy, or makes you sound like a hipee divorcee who self-publishes books on her spiritual rebirth.

Noooooo....say it ain't so!!



  • At 10:53 PM, Blogger Jaap said…

    Good gawd that sap is sticky! Is that pine tar coming out of her mouth?

    Alyssa Milano's Self-Help Guide To Baseball; enigmatic and perplexing phrases for those who prefer meditating cross-legged and chanting during baseball games.

    I liked her better when she was a witch!


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.