Top 10 Things I Enjoy as Much as Watching David Eckstein

who is this kid?

I dislike David Eckstein. Admittedly, the Cards give us Mets fans a gallery of rougues to choose from, but I really hate the guy. Yadi Molina looks like a post-op alien of some kind. King Albert will eventually be caught with the juice. So I figure, aim my hate where it's most likely to really make a difference. David Eckstein, like a cut-rate Lenny Dykstra, if "Nails" chewed Big League Chew bubblegum instead of the real stuff--the stuff that rots your mouth out, gives you tongue cancer and makes your testicles shrink--like a real man does. And it's not really jealousy, or because he's such a scrappy competitor who enrages opponents with his hustle. I don't wish he was on my club.


He has taken what is not his

No, I really hate the player because he is a constant reminder of how the Mets should be the defending world champions. There, I said it. I mean, I didn't really like him BEFORE the Mets lost last year (I did, remember, think the Mets should plunk him as part of their playoff strategy), but now he is a member of the illegitimate defending world champions.

When I used to hate the Cards back in the 80s, I didn't hate them individually. I mean, how can you hate a guy like Vince Coleman, who can't get out of the way of a tarp? Nobody hates Ozzie Smith. And how can you hate the club that gives you Keith Hernandez, just cause he enjoyed a little recreational cocaine once in a while? (Actually I did hate grand-slam-hitting, post-world series-toilet smashing, coke freak Joaquin Andujar just a little bit.) And what ball club could have given the Red Sox a championship so graciously, if not one from the midwest, where they probably don't even lock their cars at night.

No... for David Eckstein, my hatred is pure...
So, here are 10 Things I Enjoy as Much as Watching David Eckstein play baseball

10. Flossing
9. Waiting to give BIG CABLE my mulah so I can watch tonight's game on the old color TV
8. "Bring a Gang Member to the Park" night at Dodger Stadium
7. Scoring tickets to Joe Buck-apaloozza
6. Watching El Duque do pregame outfield sprints
5. The authentic stylings of John Cougar, especially anything about trucks and my country
4. Cleaning Fran Healey's garage
3. Three words: Ralph Kiner Popsicles
2. Did I already say "flossing"? Uh, Doing my taxes
1. Naked pictures of Tsuyoshi Shinjo



Let's Go Mets!