Breaking News: Steve Phillips Still Toolsy After All These Years!

That sound you hear is potential subscribers to ESPN the Magazine turning away in droves.

Uh-oh, has Stevie been granted access to Major League showers again? That's what I first wondered when I saw the title of his new "column": "Identifying those with the best tools in the game." The editors tried to put this article behind the Insider iron curtain, but it kept getting spit out, like a fishbone or a peach pit, or like orange juice with too much pulp. But let's look at it anyway.

The conceit:

Blissfully unaware of the entire Moneyball revolution, Phillips starts off:

"Baseball is built on five tools: hitting for average, hitting for power, throwing, fielding and running. Here's a look at the players whose skills, or lack thereof, in each area could make or break their teams. Plus, to wrap everything up, there's a sixth category -- chemistry -- on the guys who have a sixth sense for creating it."

Oh boy, sounds like fun.

Stevie's comments break down into three categories:

Preposterous

"Adam Dunn, LF, Reds One of the most complex hitters in baseball, Dunn led the NL in K's, was second in walks and hit the seventh most home runs in 2006, yet he batted only .234. Of his 194 K's, 46 were called. If he focused on contact, he could hit 50 homers and drive in 150. Dunn has 12 sacrifice flies in five full seasons; Justin Morneau had 11 last year."

Adam Dunn, a complex strikeout machine, should focus on contact, because before he was focused on American Idol.

Innane

"A-Rod needs to hit homers, lots of 'em, every month, especially October. It's the one way he can distinguish himself from Derek J*ter. "

No comment necessary.

Not worth mentioning, unless mocking

"The patch of grass Beltrán has to cover is much bigger than any other centerfielder's. "

"We'll know the Tigers are over it [their throwing errors in the playoffs] only when the pitchers make several plays after an error. "

Verdict:

Steve Phillips is still a tool!

In sum, anything this guy says, or has ESPN interns say and put in his mouth (don't get any ideas Stevo) is just a bunch of unsubstantial crap. That's the kind way of viewing this failed GM and perhaps failed human being's "insights." Bless ESPN's hearts for taking our disgraced ex-GM in, otherwise he'd be out on the street. Is there a 12 year old blogger anywhere in the world who couldn't pump garbage like this out in his or her sleep? That was a rhetorical question. In any event, Steve's newest contribution answers the musical question: Just how easy is it to draw a paycheck at ESPN? If Bobby Valentine were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave.