The Spy that Came in from the Old: A Tribute to Tom Glavine

Cheese Cloth Retrospective:

Forgiving Tom(ahawk) Glavine




Now I've definitely taken some shots, some would say unwarranted and unprofessional, at Tommyboy (to be fair, I also attacked his family and his integrity) in the past, so my creditibility here is a bit strained.* But even the Soviet Union went back and touched up history occassionally. Why not bury the hatchet, er, tomahawk? So I figured a little love wouldn't be out of place, the day before the 2007 opener. Besides, what better way to christen my new feature, Cheesecloth Retrospective?

The Problem:

Agent Tom Glavine. The man sent to the Mets by his handler, Control John Shuerholtz, to undermine the Mets in the early 2000s. I got a lot of mileage out of this gag, and for a while, it really seemed possible that the venerable, sandbagging, questec questioning, eye-rolling, hall-of-fame-bound Glavine was underperforming for a very very bad Mets team for a reason.

He was a spy.

How else to explain why any intellegent person would choose playing for Art Howe over Bobby Cox (unless you're Cox's wife and trying to avoid his blows, of course)?

And the pitching, oh the pitching. His supposed #1 pitching was, well, toothless. How could someone with such great bonifides decline so precipitously? And why did he need to keep bringing up the Br*ves in every interview? It was a suspicious coincidence because, unlike the Alomar case, there was motive involved.

The character arc

Then he started getting results. Then the near-career ending injury almost happened. I started to soften.

The relapse

But then there was the goshdarned hemming and hawing before the 2007 season. He really liked the Mets, but uh...is it possible the Br*ves would want him back? This charade strained belief--of course the Br*ves didn't want him back, they're trying to win, dammit!

I'm thinking, well, the guy does have a nice head of hair. And his wife is pretty attractive. Attractive people always have good judgement. Either that or I've been looking at a picture of Tom with that actress with all the sisters from the South all these years.

Tom Glavine...is he just one of the guys?

Gary Carter will shake his hand? Aw, maybe he's not so bad. He was alright last year, especially in the playoffs, and had a decent spring.

VERDICT: Almost grudging acceptance
[but still holding my breath when he starts against the Br*ves on Saturday]

So get to work Toothless, and earn my love!

*I can put as many commas and parentheticals in a sentence as I want, its my blog.

...coming soon: Forgiving Timo Perez

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Still Negotiating?

Bud is still an asshat, but is there hope for loyal fans to get Indemand?

Exhibit one: the MLB is rolling in an "unbelievable" amount of $$:

Phil Rogers column:

[Bud Selig says] "I was talking to [Kansas City Royals owner] David Glass earlier, and he was saying that revenues [for MLB] were at $1.2 billion when he bought the team," Selig said. "I remember meetings when we talked about how we could get it to $2 billion. Now we'll be at $5.5 billion and growing. It's unbelievable."

Selig is right. It is unbelievable. Only a little more than a decade after owners and players wiped out the World Series because they couldn't agree on how to divide the pie, it has grown to a size no one would have predicted.Ticket prices have soared, the integrity of once-sacred records has been compromised by steroids and human growth hormone, World Series games have routinely ended after school children were in bed, and yet Selig has steered MLB into an era of unprecedented prosperity.

Now, in the classic pro-sports style, the MLB is saying it's not about money.

(Bullshit artist formerly known as DuPuy) DuPAYme, in his own words:

“This was not about maximizing profits for us,” DuPuy told the commerce committee, insisting that what drove the league to cut the DirecTV deal was a guarantee that it would launch Baseball Channel to its entire subscriber base of more than 15 million customers.

I can see why BIG CABLE finds this unreasonable and you will too, if you're Joe or Jane Fan, when you look at your bill and you're paying for a baseball channel and 300 spanish cooking chanels you can't fathom wanting.

But, overall, the MLB sounds like it got caught with its hand in the cookie jar, or like a kitten tangled up in yarn, if kittens could talk:

DuPuy, MLB's chief operating officer, says there's nothing nefarious about the deal."Our hope is that iN Demand and Dish opt in and that all fans have an opportunity to receive the Extra Innings package," DuPuy told the Associated Press. "This is not about iN Demand or Dish not being able to match the DirecTV offer; it is about their willingness to do so."This was a negotiation at arm's length over several months. DirecTV set the market. It is up to the other bidders to meet it."

If the deal isn't about money, then these MLB guys are dumber than I thought. And they're even saying they thought it through::

"I agonized over" the decision to go with DirecTV, Selig said. "Obviously our objective is to get our product in front of as many people as possible. ... But the number of people who can't get DirecTV is very, very small."

That scares me even more.

How I Measure a Baseball Website

Sport Illustrated has recently given a real boost to the Mets Blogeratti, singling out Metsblog, Mike's Mets, Faith and Fear, and Metsgeek, all available for clicking in my sidebar. (My outraged calls to my homies at ESPN for Kids went unreturned). Kudos to all those fine, well-regarded blogs. Around here, we measure sucess a little bit differently:

For instance:
Who made the best Tony LaRussa DUI arrest jokes. Who's cruelty went above and beyond the call of duty? Which poster's comments were dirtier than Kenny Rogers’ pitching hand? At the end of the day, the internets is all about finding cruelty on demand, when you need it, at the touch of a clicker.










First prize has to go to the Heckler, a blog after my own heart, for the headline:
"La Russa makes two pitching changes during DUI arrest: Cards skipper unable to strategize his way out of the jam, " and the poll which asked: "What was Tony La Russa's excuse for his DUI arrest?" If you answered, "Covering for Albert Pujols who was passed out drunk in the back seat," your mind is as tiny as mine!

Second place has to go to Can't Stop the Bleeding for its brief post, Jupiter, FL Police Harrass Brainy Animal Rights Advocate, and it's quip, "If I had to work in close proximity to Braden Looper and Scott Spiezio, I’m pretty sure I’d be totally fucked up at 4am, too."

Third place goes to itsmetsforme-wannabe-industry giant Deadspin for the post, Even Geniuses Forget to Put the Car in Park:
So, you've just won your first non-earthquake-related World Series and are on top of the baseball world. You're preparing your team for a mostly unheard of (these days) title repeat. Everyone over the age of 40 thinks you're a genius, and everyone under 40 can't figure out why you still think it's cool to wear sunglasses in the evening. You're Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa; what do you do now?

Sportsbastards gets honorable mention for the one-liner, Tony La Russa, this buds for you!

--------------------------------

Now on to the real business of this post, which is to shil for a new blog now appearing on your blogoslane in your blogoscity in your blogoscounty in the blogosphere: My Summer Family written by Coop, an avid fan with a golden keyboard and a troubling history of Oliver Perez stalking. There is sure to be interesting stuff there so check it out now!

Actually, this season if you'd like to clear your head of the nonsense you read here, you should also be sure to drop by and sample the witty conversations going on at all times at the Metropolitans, savor the unique perspectives at Archie Bunkers Army, sites which are up and running for the new season, or check out some of my new (new to me) favorites like Ed's Blue, Orange and Green Cafe or Toasty Joes. Here it comes!

Baseball Fever: Come down with it!!

In-Game Blogging Attempt: Mets at Dodgers

In one of these pictures, John Kerry poses with the executives of MLB and Big Cable, in the other, he poses with the lovable clown princes of Basketball. *

Ok, we're live.

Wow, there's got to be a way to dispell the feeling of dread the last few days--my happiness truly depends on the Mets getting off to a fast start this season, but there are ominous signs...

The Br*ves wacked them around yesterday, some commenters are saying Poopeyface Heilman and his tender wing are KEY to the Mets success, the Armando-burgler is looking like he might just make the team , an anonymous veteran-who-everyone-knows-is-Countytime Lemon is getting bad vibes about the season (for $10mil + a season, you make good vibes, Billy-goat!). Plus I called my cable company to make contingency plans in case there turns out to be Extra innings and they said they lost the service. I corrected them of course, and convinced the girl and her supervisor that negotiations were on-going, but I still feel a bit uneasy.

How to beat my Metropolitan malaise...I know! I got it. I'll IN-GAME BLOG, like the Sportsguy!! It was so fun the other day, helped me really get to know the baseball mind of Dusty Baker.

Perfect, they're playing the Dodgies, and I am Los Angeles based! It's so terrific the progress in televised sports since I was a kid. So much choice. And Bud Selig says there's plenty of baseball on TV for everyone, so I can't go wrong!!

Great hmmm let's see nothing on my TV's 500+ channels but the Golden Girls and the Keebler Midget Beach Volleyball Championships. Ok it must be here somewhere, lets scroll through a few times.


[scrolls through channels three times, watches episode of "Bass Fishing Babes," makes mental note to start Fishing Females blog in morning.]

Well ok, maybe today's game isn't being televised, so I'll have to enjoy it through that excellent MLB product, MLB.com Gameday! I know it's excellent, because of the MLB's commitments to fan access and product quality. I believe the gents at MLB must have testified to this effect in their Congressional testimony in front of the Senate Committe on Commerce, Science, and Transportation the other day.

[We join our enthusiastic in-game blogger after a really, really long time...]

Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:0Pitcher Change: Wesley Wright replaces Joe Mays, batting 7th.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:0Defensive Substitution: Ken Huckaby replaces pitcher Joe Mays, batting 9th, playing catcher.

[MLB Gameday: Unexplained delay.]

What is it with this Ken Huckaby fella, are they rolling him in with sticks? Picking him up from the airport? Is it his record 500th appearance and the game is delayed on account of the ceremony and fireworks? Is pitcher Joe Mays refusing to leave the game? Is security chasing him around the field? Did he take a mascot as a hostage?

[Gameday stalls for another 45 minutes then suddenly..]

Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:0David Newhan doubles (1) on a fly ball to center fielder Choo Freeman.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:0Endy Chavez singles on a bunt ground ball to pitcher Wesley Wright. David Newhan to 3rd.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:0Damion Easley singles on a line drive to left fielder Marlon Anderson. David Newhan scores. Endy Chavez to 2nd.
Top 5TH B:0 S:1 O:0With Jose Valentin batting, Endy Chavez steals (2) 3rd base. Damion Easley steals (1) 2nd base.
Top 5TH B:0 S:1 O:1Jose Valentin pops out to second baseman Luis Maza.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:2Julio Franco out on a sacrifice fly to center fielder Choo Freeman. Endy Chavez scores. Damion Easley to 3rd.
Top 5TH B:4 S:0 O:2Fernando Tatis walks.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:2Pitcher Change: Casey Hoorelbeke replaces Wesley Wright, batting 7th.
Top 5TH B:0 S:1 O:2With Ben Johnson batting, Fernando Tatis steals (1) 2nd base.
Top 5TH B:4 S:1 O:2Ben Johnson walks.
Top 5TH B:0 S:0 O:2Ramon Castro hits a grand slam (1) to left field. Damion Easley scores. Fernando Tatis scores. Ben Johnson scores.

WOW. It happened so fast, I can't make any snarky comments! What would Sportsguy do?

Top of the Sixth: David Newhand up [screen frozen]

20 minutes later. This seems like an odd time to re-sod the field, but well, I guess anything can happen. I wonder if they caught that Joe Mays guy yet?)

Top 6TH B:0 S:0 O:0 David Newhan homers (2) on a fly ball to right field.

Wooo wee this Hoorelbeke guy sucks. Just put it on a tee baby. Lets see what Damion Easley's got in store for you...

Ok, not much. Ground out.

SNAP! Oh no you didn't--Stash and his .340 average hit by a pitch! The little red dot looks ok. Or wait, is that the ball?

Top 6TH B:0 S:0 O:2Fernando Tatis homers (1) on a fly ball to left field. Jose Valentin scores. Mike Carp scores.

Da plane! Da plane! Boss da plane! Tatis 2 for 3, 3 rbis--David Wright better stop posing and put the wood to mother, or Tatis is gonna Wally Pipp him.

Ok its like 12-2 Mets and HEAD's (tm) giant dome flashed on the screen, even though the Dodgies are up. Why Ramon's face there? It must be a sign. Head is going to have a big season, I can tell. No wait the sixth is over, there are three outs already. No wait, Maine is pitching to Mc Dougall. It's still the fifth. Wait, no the Mets are playing the Harlem Globetrotters and Curley is messing with Carlos Delgado! Stop that Curley, he's...sensitive!



Top 7th no outs. Luis Gonzalez, newly acquired free agent signing, past rumored steroid abuser is pitching for the Dodgers. That can't be right. MLB Gameday is completely haywire. No wonder MLB hides its URL. I give up.

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........


*picture stolen from here.

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Item: AP, MLB press releases to be written by staff of the Onion.

actual article title:

"Only 8.4 percent of major leaguers were black last season (AP)

Only 8.4 percent of major league players last season were black, the lowest level in at least two decades. As recently as 1995, 19 percent of big leaguers were black, according to Richard Lapchick, director of the University of Central Florida’s Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sports. Nine percent were black in both 2004 and 2005, and the current figure is the lowest since at least the…"

The article fails to mention that this season, many players intend to be black this season, and some players are black from the waist down.

In other news, it looks like the actual Onion got Glavine and Peterson mixed up. Huh, fairweather fans.

Breaking News: Steve Phillips Still Toolsy After All These Years!

That sound you hear is potential subscribers to ESPN the Magazine turning away in droves.

Uh-oh, has Stevie been granted access to Major League showers again? That's what I first wondered when I saw the title of his new "column": "Identifying those with the best tools in the game." The editors tried to put this article behind the Insider iron curtain, but it kept getting spit out, like a fishbone or a peach pit, or like orange juice with too much pulp. But let's look at it anyway.

The conceit:

Blissfully unaware of the entire Moneyball revolution, Phillips starts off:

"Baseball is built on five tools: hitting for average, hitting for power, throwing, fielding and running. Here's a look at the players whose skills, or lack thereof, in each area could make or break their teams. Plus, to wrap everything up, there's a sixth category -- chemistry -- on the guys who have a sixth sense for creating it."

Oh boy, sounds like fun.

Stevie's comments break down into three categories:

Preposterous

"Adam Dunn, LF, Reds One of the most complex hitters in baseball, Dunn led the NL in K's, was second in walks and hit the seventh most home runs in 2006, yet he batted only .234. Of his 194 K's, 46 were called. If he focused on contact, he could hit 50 homers and drive in 150. Dunn has 12 sacrifice flies in five full seasons; Justin Morneau had 11 last year."

Adam Dunn, a complex strikeout machine, should focus on contact, because before he was focused on American Idol.

Innane

"A-Rod needs to hit homers, lots of 'em, every month, especially October. It's the one way he can distinguish himself from Derek J*ter. "

No comment necessary.

Not worth mentioning, unless mocking

"The patch of grass Beltrán has to cover is much bigger than any other centerfielder's. "

"We'll know the Tigers are over it [their throwing errors in the playoffs] only when the pitchers make several plays after an error. "

Verdict:

Steve Phillips is still a tool!

In sum, anything this guy says, or has ESPN interns say and put in his mouth (don't get any ideas Stevo) is just a bunch of unsubstantial crap. That's the kind way of viewing this failed GM and perhaps failed human being's "insights." Bless ESPN's hearts for taking our disgraced ex-GM in, otherwise he'd be out on the street. Is there a 12 year old blogger anywhere in the world who couldn't pump garbage like this out in his or her sleep? That was a rhetorical question. In any event, Steve's newest contribution answers the musical question: Just how easy is it to draw a paycheck at ESPN? If Bobby Valentine were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave.

In-Game Blog: Mets at Br*ves

Today's game is on TV. So, I'm gonna in-game blog. Aiming for the Sports Guy, only funny. The question often arises, what has ESPN done to our beautiful game and pro-sports in general? Well let's take a look-see. It starts with the "formula": add as many former athelete pinheads with nothing to say to the booth as possible. That way, there will be no dead air, the commentators will not have to think before they talk, and the fan will be spared the burden of enjoying this most cerebral of games. Today we have three pinheads talking for the sake of talking. Oh and a ballgame. Let the inanities begin.

Today's Chuckleheads: Rick Sutcliff (hated exCub), Dusty (Butcher) Baker, and Dave O'Brien.

*Holy shit why is Adkins still with the club? The Mets need to go on an "Adkins Diet" tut sweet. Luckily Davies sucks too.

*Did the play-by-play guy just say, "Johnson got fisted" (on the pitch)? He did.

*Espn is advertising a "Civil Rights Game" featuring the Indians (no civil rights for native americans i guess) and Cardinals, sponsored of course by Autozone. Are they kidding? No they are not. Note to self: mine for comedy.

*Ingame interview with Willie: First of all, in game interviews with the manager should be banned outright. Totally unneccessary. Sort of like in-game blogging. The most pressing question: the f*cking spring training game line-up! Even Willie can't beleive his ears. Do these guys even read the papers? Dusty: "Do you feel ready to break camp? As a former manager, [that is always] a big issue? Really? What did you do when the Cubs weren't ready to break camp, Dusty? Stay behind? I guess there were probably a few years you should have stayed in Florida.

*Uggie Urbina: 14 year prison sentence for murdering like 5 people. Does that mean he's available Omar? He's old like el duque, and a rule breaker, like Mota. Make it happen.

*On Jose Reyes: He hasn't got his man muscles.

*Chan Ho Park in the Park. Makes Anrwuwuwuw look like a bozo. I likes.

*Hey all three chuckleheads are dressed like attendents at Canyon Ranch. Navy polo shits. Call each other before the game guys.

*Chan Hoses the Br*ves, 1,2,3.

*Alou looks done to me. So sue me.

*Oh my god the sanctimony. MLB Civil Rights game. Kill me.

*Parkinglot looking OK. Maybe I feel better.

*Oops spoke too soon.

*Julio Franco has a great body accordign to Dusty. this is gettign too homoerotic for me.

*Omar: "Last year we were chasing the Br*ves, this year, theyre chasing us"

*they are not offering Omar a seat in the booth

*Reyes is up. I love this guy. He strikes out.

*Beltran. I love this guy. He flies out

*Burgy--the Amburgler-- looks good. But hes sooo Armando.

*Sutcliff gives the doofus some wristbands. I'd rather watch the game.

*6-3, 6th inning. Guys discuss Amburgler, general state of bullpen. Amby three strikeouts.

*i like Newhan, but he gets picked off

*dave, rick and dusty's picks for the MLB; who cares? They don't even read the papers it seems.

*Felice-navidad0 is in the game. This guy is more key to the Mets year than we admit to ourselves.

*Rick the ass picks the Phillies for the NL East; the other two jokers pick da Mets

*I have to pee, but bottom of the inning and the Mets are up against Tyler Yates. Old Man promptly grounds out

*disturbuing images of the Cardinals apparent victory in the WS; Mets go quietly--i wish i just peed.

*Poopeyface is in the game. Consider this Aaron's audition for me. Show me something you parking challenged baby.

*Heilman can't hold them. Broadcasters remind me that his elbow is tender. That gives me a headache.

*8-3 grrrr. Willie no doubt cleverly luring Bobby COX into false sense of security.

*holy shit the espn fantasy baseball commercial made me loose my lunch, and i haven't eaten it yet!

*David Wright's in game interview. Prepare to hear all the right things. All star game question. He liked the comraderie. But why the slump after the game davey? Dusty asks his question from his notecard: "Are you ready to leave spring training?"

* 9th inning. Karim Garcia is released (from where, prison?). Does Shawn Green need a caddy?

*At least the games almost over and I don't have to see the "Man suit" commercial again.

* Lets go Mets . Comeback time.

*Maybe not. Loduca swings weakly and rejoins his buddies in the dugout. Green does what he does. Mike Carp's drapes match the carp(et) and he goes down check-swinging. Mets 3 Braves 3, Adkins 5.

*I have to go take a shower to forget Poopeyfaces pitching. No amount of showering will erase the memory of the ESPN Fantasy Baseball ad though.

* POST GAME interview. The Jacket. No Jacket. He's naked!! He's Naked!! Within seconds he has said "stuffed animals." Dusty wants to ask sooo bad: are you ready to leave Spring training?" but holds back. See, he's not as dumb as Joe Morgan.

MLB DirecTV update

MLB Commisioner Bud Selig, as a young boy

Apparently my man John Kerry is taking it to the house. No flip-flopping at yesterday's congressional hearings.

I don't know how much to trust this Variety report, "Senators enter baseball battle
Committee plays hardball with networks, MLB," mostly because they appear to have misspelled "scheduled" as " skedded", but here it is:

The Senate Commerce Committee pitched it straight at the parties fighting over television rights to certain baseball games: Work out a mutually satisfactory agreement or else.
Major League Baseball, In Demand Network and EchoStar responded by committing to sit down in the next 48 hours to do just that. Chances for success, however, remain slim.
Led by Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), the committee held a hearing Tuesday into the dispute over MLB's exclusive deal with satcaster DirecTV to carry the league's Extra Innings package of out-of-market games.
Deal, skedded to take effect on baseball's opening day next week, means current Extra Innings subscribers on EchoStar and In Demand (a cable consortium owned by Comcast, Cox and Time Warner) will have to switch to DirecTV if they wish to continue receiving the package. About 250,000 subscribers will be affected.

Sens. Arlen Specter (R-Penn.) and Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) joined Kerry in expressing strong concern about the possible antitrust implications of the MLB-DirecTV deal. Specter and Kerry both raised the notion of Congress perhaps revisiting Major League Baseball's antitrust exemption, which allows team owners to negotiate as a group.

I like the way this is sounding, but I won't get too giddy...

DuPuy said the games would still be available over the Internet. But lawmakers said that was no substitute for the usual sit-down-with-friends-in-front-of-the-big-TV viewing experience.
"Once the season starts, a lot of people will not know why they're not seeing these games on TV," Specter said to all the parties. "There will be a tremendous reaction, and if the fans react, Congress will react. And you'll be well advised to react before we do."

Kerry pointed out that the Federal Communication Commission -- which the Senate Commerce Committee oversees -- has authority to regulate direct broadcast satellite. He managed to extract a promise from In Demand chief Rob Jacobson, EchoStar prexy Carl Vogel and MLB's DuPuy to meet in the next two days to try another round of negotiations that would result in all providers being able to carry Extra Innings before opening day.

Top Ten Things that Might Prevent Fans from Seeing Keith Hernandez Throw Out the Ceremonial First Pitch

Item: Keith Hernandez to throw out ceremonial first pitch before the Mets home opener - April 9th vs. Philadelphia




10. Game scheduled for weekend night
9. Darryl Strawberry’s right hook
8. Mike deFelice steals his car
7. Two words: Second spitter
6. St Louis Cardinal's headquarters orders him not to
5. Gary Carter jumps in front of camera
4. Keith misses ceremony, in clubhouse watching pregame on TV, drinking a beer and smoking
3. Because Derek Jeter sucks.
2. MLB direcTV refuse to show it, saying only 200,000 fans are interested
1. Ceremonial catcher is a girl

Sunday Random Bud Selig abuse

Your guide to understanding the current status of MLB In Demand negotiations


MLB SEZ: IN Demand’s offer to match DirecTV’s $700 million, seven-year carriage rights deal, is “not responsive” to the terms set forth by MLB to allow it to match, adding that the offer “fails short of all the material conditions.”

BIG CABLE SEZ: IN Demand's "offer was fully responsive to Major League Baseball’s requirements and public statements.”

BUD SELIG SEZ:
who cares about fans?

“I expect people to understand that we thought all of these issues out, and there’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll be quite surprised at how few people are affected,” he said. “When I look at the number of people that would be affected, it’s so small.”


see also:
MLB, IN Demand Vague About Rights Dispute

What'd he say? David Wright... or Rickey?

Editor's Note: Although they never actually voted even one goddamn time, fans really loved the feature "What'd he say?" featuring Rick Peterson. So back by popular demand...

This Spring, the Mets are lucky to have two potential Hall of Fame, team first, selfless-almost-to-a-fault, reverential to the game, born leaders in camp. These two players skills on the diamond are equaled only by the power of their leadership philosophy and depth of their dedication to the team concept.

Can you tell who's saying what?



*"I want to do everything above average."

*“I think playing cards gave me the opportunity to relax in the game.”

*"There's a fine line between cocky and confident. ... There's so much failing in baseball, you never feel like you're good enough."

* "I've been cheated all my life. They always said this [present] is for both days. Now, I tell them, 'There has to be two. Give me one shoe in one box and the other in another.'" [on being born on Christmas]

*"There are so many players out there who are better than me talent-wise, but I like to think I'll outwork all of them."

*"I like playing for Oakland, they have a very colorful uniform”

* "The first time I dove into the stands for a foul ball, that made me feel like I could go out and play the game the right way."

*“Lou Brock was a great base stealer but today I am the greatest.”

*“I’m very modest. I know that baseball is a very humbling game.”

*"He can steal as many bases as he wants to. The question is whether he wants to.”

*“I just want to taste what it’s like to win in New York.”

Quotes taken from here, here, and here.

i, z, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, v, z, t, u, v..........x,y,z

hey tony you just won the world series, tell us what are you going to do...

That's why he wears the sunglasses...
Those are the letters Baseball genius Tony LaRussa claimed came after "n" when he was stopped at a traffic light sleeping soundly with his foot on the break, according to the Smoking Gun website. I mean, I guess it's cruel to mock him for his misfortune, but then again, I don't like him. And then again, drunk driving is something you do when you're acting like an asshole. Mr. Met's curse lives on (see John Thompson, Alex Rodrigez, Mike Hampton, Barry Larkin, etc.)


Armando Wagner
Nothing like a Countrytime Meltdown (not to be confused with a Hoedown) against the Br*ves to rattle a Metsfan's cage, eh? 5 earned runs on 4 hits and a donger to Tony Pena, who I didn't even know was still alive. Oh well, at least Billy can stop Corky Miller when he has to. Add "Countytime Lemon" to the list of approved nicknames (see below).

Can Congress please supoena Bud Selig
If it wasn't for the Bush Administration, the Seilig regime would take the cake for the most scandelous bullshiter award. One side says they want to meet the other's terms, then say they did, while the other keeps the terms hidden and says they didn't. The lies continue to spring forth from MLB, but I haven't the stomach to discuss it. If you're interested visit the New York Times and read Richard Sandomir's take. Or Deadspins take, which shit, uses some of the same lame jokes as I just did.

Authorized Nicknames list released: Wagner added
The Office of the (Deposed) Commisioner of Baseball (Pete Rose) Bureau of Standards and Measurements (ODCBBSM) has authorized me to release this list of approved nicknames for the New York Mets baseball club. In the interests of promoting the smooth reading between the lines of all 2007 baseball related stories, the list is hereby promulgated.

Duaner Sanchez "Dirty" or "HonortheDuaner" both acceptable
Tom Glavine "Toothless," "Tomahawk," "Agent Glavine," or just "Traitor"
Billy Wagner "Countrytime Lemon"
Paul LoDuca "Captain Red Ass" ("Major" or "Lieutenant" are acceptable revisions as performance dictates), "Spike"
Aaron Heilman "Poopeyface"
Ramon Castro "HEAD"
Julio Franco "Francostein"
Mike Pelfrey Mike "Bats-in-my" Pelfrey
Carlos Beltran "Buntran," "BatterbatterSWING"
Moises Alou "Grandpa Moises, ("Moises "You say goodbye, I say" Alou acceptable)
Orlando Hernandez (no nickname given for fear of injury)
Jose Valentin "Stash" (Stache acceptable, but not preferred: awkward)
David Newhan "David (Old hand same as the) Newhan
Shawn Green Shawn "It aint easy being" Green
Guilermo Mota "HelloMota," "Armando Benitez"
Jorge Sosa Jorge "Say it ain't" Sosa
Damion Easley "Easley does it"
Scott Schoenewies"Go on with the Show," ("The Show" acceptable)
Lastings Milledge "Pillage the Village," ("Firstings" also acceptable)
Chan Ho Park (too many to list, see additional volume)
Reuben Gotay "Gotay Buckwheat"
Phil Humber "Humber Pie"
Mike Carp Mike "Do the drapes match the" Carp

(contact your ODCBBSM representative with questions, petitions)

Around the Horn

Garth Brooks, secret part of Cameron-Nady trade?

A left hander AND a billionare!

Non-roster invitee Matt White, 29, made headlines this spring after discovering a $2 billion rock quarry on property he bought from an aunt three years ago. The left-handed reliever could become baseball's first billionaire active player, but it was his pitching he hoped would draw attention.

Some guys have all the luck. Lefthanded pitcher, pulse-haver, and accidental billionaire Matt White was reassigned by the Dodgers organization the other day. You could do worse. In fact, the Mets have. The best the Mets could ever do was invite Garth Brooks in 2000, which if I'm not mistaken, coincided with the beginning of the Mets awful years. Friends in low places indeed.

Note to Omar and Willie the funk-lover: White throws a side-armer.

That's a lot of Mustache Gel!

Stash has a spring training goal. To buy one of those little U-shaped pillows for bus napping with his immense salary?

No, that's not it.

[To] "Prove a lot of people wrong," he said. "They thought my career was over. Even myself, I thought it was over."

Stash will be paid. This could go badly for the Mets. This is how Omar runs the business. I'm not criticizin', just saying.

After sitting on the fringe of the roster for the first month, he got the job and played 94 games at second base, hitting .271 with 18 homers and 62 RBI. And he was rewarded with a contract worth $3.8 million this season, with an option for 2008 that vests with 400 plate appearances.

$3.8 Million smackers. I guess I knew this, but its still unsettling.

Uecker stalker must be in the front row!

It looks like Bob Uecker doesn't want just any attention.

A 45 year old woman, Ann Ladd, was escorted from a Brewers spring training game that Uecker may or may not have been at (he wasn't announcing that game).

The 73-year-old Uecker has said Ladd stalked him for six or seven years, seeking his autograph, sending him unwanted gifts and appearing at ballparks and hotels where he was staying.

You'd think the bar would be a little lower for attendance at a Brewer's spring training game.


Verducci: I guarantee Yankees will not win the World Series

Over at Sports Illustrated, Tom Verducci offers the following analysis and prediction. Teams with young legs win the World Series these days. And that means of course...the Dodgers?

It'll be all SoCal -- the Angels over the Dodgers. Why? Because the best team doesn't win any more; teams with young legs do.

Gary Matthews Jr.s Angels and Luis Gonzolas' Dodgers. Ok. Fair enough.

Hmm...What about teams with young legs and old necks? Here's what he says about the Mets' prospects:

Will I be right? Who knows any more? Last year I had the White Sox and the Cardinals in the World Series. If you're looking for sleeper teams, the Indians and Diamondbacks could get there if their young players pop at the same time. The Tigers might be even better than they were last year, though I worry about fatigue hitting their pitchers, coming off a seven-month season, just as it seemed to hit the 2006 White Sox. The Mets, like St. Louis in recent years, are dangerous because they put three or four MVP-quality players in the lineup every day, mitigating the shortcomings on the rest of the roster.

Instead of picking the Mets, he basically descibes them, attributing their salient dimensions instead to the Dodgers and Angels: an abundance of old or aging starters, questionable rotation, good pitching depth, and some great young talent to plug in the holes.

Basically, he thinks revenue sharing has changed the game; talent is well-distributed, team turnarounds are frequent, experience is not as much of a factor, and the best team on paper or record-wise doesn't win. This is all well and good as long as it doesn't lead you to pick, well, the Angels, once the entire team recovers from injuries ("Once Juan Rivera recovers from his broken leg"..."The Angels are fortified with a large enough inventory of pitching to allow starters Bartolo Colon and Jered Weaver to slowly work themselves back into shape.").

Do with that what you will.

Metaphorical Mullet Man: Rick Peterson Quiz Answers

Here are the answers to last week's challenge. If you're too lazy to read on, the fakes were #'s 1, 5, 9, 12, 16 and 19.

As promised, here are some rare photos of The Jacket, au natural!






Click to follow the links!

1. FAKE [Omar Minaya and he] “wanted to get in on the ground floor… elevator with him, but instead we got on the escalator.” [On the potential of now waived Cuban defector Alay Soler]

2. REAL "I certainly didn't pop any champagne” [On his disappointment at Sanchez being sent home from camp on account of lateness.]

3. REAL “A full season is like crossing an ocean. It's every day the same guys, same uniforms, same colors, and it's easy to get lost and lose your perspective before you reach the other shore seven months later. Helping people understand where they are along the way and what their recipe for success is, and being there to get them back on track when it slips away is my job.” [On his job as a pitching coach]

4. REAL "He's maturing a lot faster than red wine does," Peterson said. "It's not going to take five years to be vintage." [On Pelfrey]

5. FAKE “These are not the droids you’re looking for.” [To umpire when he checked the ball for scuffing while an unnamed Oakland Athletic was pitching]

6. REAL In the (Indianapolis) 500, you have 10 guys working on a car, and that car can only go a few times around the track before they have to work on it again. Too much speed. A Toyota Camry, if you change the oil and treat it right, it can go for hundreds of thousands of miles.” [On Tom Glavine as a pitcher]

7. REAL “In the Indy 500, they've got like 10 cars or five cars each, I think. He's not going to crash into the wall in the time trial and have no car. Because there's no need to…
“The key is to get to the pole position in October. From that particular point, if you crash into the wall, you crash into the wall. That goes for everybody.”… [On Pedro as a pitcher]

8. REAL “We have a pretty good recipe. And we're going to have competition, which is always a great motivator. Hopefully, we'll turn out some good meals.” [On his pitching staff and its potential]

9. FAKE “His off-speed stuff goes together like ketchup and mustard on a hot dog bun at a picnic with a lovely lady.” [on Orlando Hernandez stuff as a pitcher]

10. REAL "Do you like to dance?"…"Yes," Perez answered. "Well, right now you are doing the waltz, you need to be doing the merengue," Peterson explained. [Explaining the secret of success to Oliver Perez]

11. REAL Do you want to go out there and play with three clubs in your bag or do you want to play with 14 clubs in your bag?” [To Tom Glavine on using a curveball]

12. FAKE ‘Spring camp is like eating a lobster. It can be an enjoyable experience but…you first need to make sure you have the proper tools, like a bib, some butter, and a device to crack the shell…It can be expensive but if you get a little on you, its no big deal.’ [On spring training]

13. REAL 'Do you like ice cream?' I was like, 'Yeah.' Then he said, 'Do you like ketchup?' And I said, 'Um, yeah.' Then he asked me, 'Would you put ketchup on top of the ice cream?' When I said no, he told me, 'Well, that's what you're doing right now.' [To John Maine on his approach to pitching]

14. REAL One of the greatest movies of all time is 'The Wizard of Oz.' What a great story," …"If you take a look at all the pitchers with untapped potential, I tell them that they are one of those three characters. It's in there, and you don't have to take all the time traveling down the road to get to it." [To no one in particular]

15. REAL "You look at these Fortune 500 companies," Peterson said, "and they come out with new products, and people go, 'It's so simple. Why didn't I think of that?' And the reason is, you didn't have that vision…"You only see it after someone showed it to you. It's not really telling them what to see, but where to look. So they can see it in their own way." [Muttering to himself]

16. FAKE “Its like the monkey in the show Friends, everything has to go at some time, and it was time to go.” [To Mike Pelfrey on replacing his curve with a slider]

17. REAL “When you look at what his plan was, there was no plan," …"There was no recipe. There was no map. The first question is, 'Where do you want to go? And where did you come from?' Then you lay out a plan and help them understand that. Not only was he lost, but he was driving in the wrong lane. He thought he was in England. We're driving in the right lane. "It became a simple thing because he got it very quickly. Just like if you're lost and someone gives you directions, all of the sudden you go down a quarter of a mile, make a right and go, 'Jeez, I know exactly where I am.' [On Oliver Perez’s struggles as a Pirate]

18. REAL“You really want to seize the moment. The moment is what it's about.”…

19. FAKE “[Pedro] is like a basket of cute and fuzzy little kitty cats… he makes it look so effortless on the mound.” [On what Pedro means to the Mets]

20. REAL (p.253) “You’re a Christian, right, Chad?” “Yeah.” “You believe in Jesus?” “Yeah.” “Have you ever seen him?” “No, I’ve never seen him.” “Ever seen yourself get hitters out?” “Yeah.” “So why the fuck do you have faith in Jesus when you never seen him, but you don’t have faith in your ability to get hitters out when you get hitters out all the time?”
[Teaching Chad Bradford to go inside on hitters]

Welcome Rockies Fans!

The Kid, shown here frolicking with Actor Dean Cain, needs to lighten up on the doughnuts. Or avoid wearing yellow. Or both.


Damn! I mean Dayn!

If there is a doofier person being paid to write about baseball than Dayn Perry, I am the king of Spain. I think the working title of Dayn's recent post, "Stats mean little in Spring Training" was "My columns mean little because I have no fucking idea what I am talking about." For obvious reasons, Fox found this more accurate title inappropriate.

Here's his opening:

If you take a gander at the Spring Training statistics from any year, you'll find some interesting things. As of Wednesday, for instance, we find that Mets shortstop Jose Reyes is batting only .125, while the Nationals' Shawn Hill has a 2.00 ERA after three starts. So may we rightly surmise that Reyes' career is over and that Hill will win the NL Cy Young this season? Of course not.

I, too, have all day to sit around, read blogs, and research baseball, and when I don't know what I'm talking about (see below for example), I admit it. I don't build an entire article around my stupidity. Dayn, I wish you'd leave the uninformed, novelty blogging to us professionals. If you don't actually watch the teams before you write, Fox might stop paying you, and then how will you afford your high-speed internet connection? Look what I did! I looked up Jose Reyes in today's boxscore and found that today he is hitting .349! And then there's this already optioned catcher named Jose A. Reyes , probably riding a bus to somewhere right now, hitting .125. Pay me!

Hey Dayn, by the way, what do you think of acclaimed 16 year old Dominican prospect (and hopefully future Mets farmhand) Jose Jose? Take a gander at the internets and let us know what you think.

Mets fans support Pedro signing

Cerrone's Metsblog is reporting that 92 percent of the 2,092 voters [in his poll] said that if Pedro Martinez never pitches again, his signing was still worth $43 million to the Mets. Well, I am still working out the numbers, but so far I have figured out that, by this metric, someone like me, who has never pitched for the Mets and will never pitch for them again, is worth $29 million to Mets fans. So Metsfans, send me your checks and money orders. Actually, money orders would be fine.

Greetings Rockies Fans!

Here's a big shout out to Rox Girl who linked to my predictions post this weekend and made me feel loved, something I don't always feel from my own fanbase (Coop and the long-lost Andrew excepted of course). Maybe she's laughing at me, not with me, but it all got me thinking: Rockies fans and Metsfans, we're not all that different, nosiree. And I need to broaden the appeal of this blog past members of my immediate family. Now that that Mike Hampton matter is cleared up, why can't we all just be friends?

Now admittedly, I don't know a Rockie from a Brewer, and I couldn't name a single starting Rockie. The main difference between the two teams seems to be in the "having a future" department. But I'm sure that Colorado fans and Mets fans have a lot in common.

Rockies fans and Mets fans both:
*struggle with abominable uniform color schemes
*are familiar with the workings of humidors
*enjoy school systems of varying quality
*know who Mike deJean is

The Rockies play in a different division as far as I know, so the teams pose no immediate threat to each other. In fact, as a sign of good faith, I will post a picture of Mike deJean.




So I hereby welcome all Rockies fans. I think our relationship should be more of a fun, Don Zimmer-Pedro Martinez affair than a Kenny (Ball four) Rogers-Photojournalist thing. What do you think?

Let the healing begin!

For all my new Rockies fans, and fans all around the league, here's a something for you:

As Rockies and Mets fans all know, the offices of Major League baseball are filled with incompetence, greed, and arrogance. But there's one good apple in every barrell and I think I've found it! The headlines on MLB.com are precious, offering a tantelizing mixture of attention-getting puns and sly humor that draws us each in to the latest news from around the league. And they do this for each team, even teams that no one gives a damn about!

Who writes this stuff? Here's a Coors light for you, MLB headline writers!

Which recent MLB headline is the most hilarious?
	Bochy slots Benitez as Giant's closer
	Rockies' Helton seeks a return to form in '07
	Iwamura's spring slump doesn't Rays eyebrows
	Healthy Helton could mean mountain of success
	Cards' Wilson up to being man in the middle
	Cubs have alleviated Prior concerns
	Brewer's message to Sarfate: Relax
	Mariners awaiting Putz's MRI results
Free polls from Pollhost.com

IMFM's 2007 MLB Predictions

We here at IMFM do not belabor the obvious, we belabor the ridiculous. So, no long, drawn out multi-post previews of the 2007 season for us. We'll leave that to the experts. Just straight shootin'. We're just gonna tell you what happens and let you sort out the details. Without further ado...


2007 Final Standings (Editor's Note: I could tell you the final won loss records but that would just blow your minds)

NL East
1. New York Mets
2. Florida Marlins
3. Philadelphia
4. Washington
X. Atlanta (contracted, lack of fan interest)

NL Central
1. New York Mets
2. Chicago Cubs
3. Cincinnati Reds
4. Houston
5. Pittsburg
6. St. Louis
X. Milwaukee (contracted after Selig Asteroid Incident at All-Star game, see below)

The Cubs challenge with a healthy Mark Prior, but can't overcome errors in CF. Lou Pinnella remains firey, but wishes he had been able to go to the Mets when he had a chance.

NL West
1. New York Mets
2. Los Angeles Dodgers
3. San Diego
4. Colorado
5. Arizona
6. N/A
7. Barry Zito and the San Francisco Giants

New York Mets cruise to division lead in April and never look back, because as everyone knows, the NL West sucks.

AL East
1. New York Mets
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Baltimore Orioles
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
5. Toronto Blue Jays
X. Yankees (forfeit season under newpost-Selig "more than 6 steroid cheaters on team at one time on team with $200 million payroll" rule)

Surprising New York Mets take AL East from traditional East Coast behemoths with large payrolls. Green Monster painted Orange and Blue in tribute.

AL Central
1. New York Mets
2. Chicago
3. Cleveland
4. Detroit Tigers
5. Minnesota
X. Kansas City (does not finish)

White Sox mount late run at the division but have to settle for the wild card when the Mets pull away in September.

AL West
1. New York Mets
2. Southwestern U.S. Angels of Asinine
3. Oakland Athletics
4. Seattle
5. Texas

Moneyball, Ichiro, Sammy Sosa, and absurd name changes are not enough to stop the Mets from running away with this division.

World Series winner: New York Mets
NL Rookie of Year: Mike Pelfrey, NY Mets
NL Cy Young: Mike Pelfrey, NY Mets
NL co-MVP: Jose Reyes, David Wright, NY Mets
AL ROY: not held
AL Cy Young: not held
AL MVP: not held

Miscellaneous:


July 2007: Commisioner and widely reviled Traitor to the Game, Bud Selig is tragic victim of surprise asteroid shower that hits earth during 2007 All-Star game. DirecTV satellite feed, incidentally is cut off forever when asteroid collides with DirecTV satellite and hurtles towards earth in a blazing ball of fire bizarrely claiming only two victims, Selig and disgraced ESPN commentator Steven Phillips who is in San Francisco on non-baseball related business.


August 2007: Yankees manager Joe Torre is discovered deceased, propt up in the dugout after strong odor alerts in-house bomb sniffing dogs. Torre's passing is not discovered until five days into a homestand. "We thought he was just napping" said the Yankees' star third baseman Robinson Cano. Fans throw batteries to express their grief.

September 2007: Less than two years after being ridiculed for his intention to manage in the major leagues after reinstatement, Pete Rose is appointed Commissioner of baseball. The new commisioner, affectionately known as Charlie Hustle to friends and bookies, immediately starts cleaning up the game, including a stricter steroids policy for high payroll clubs, anti-Joe Buck rule, and the elimination of the Designated Hiter, and the discontinuation of the All-Star Winner gets home field advantage policy. Contracts Milwaukee and Atlanta franchises citing lack of interest. Repeals MLB Blackout Policy. Legalizes clubhouse roulette wheels.

November 2007: New Commisioner of Baseball Pete Rose admits he bets "every night" on the New York Mets. In tearful press conference, New Yankee manager Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd also admits he bets on the New York Mets.

What'd he say? Take the Rick Peterson Challenge

Rick Peterson is famous for his "10 minutes" quote about Victor Zambrano, but the Mullet Man says a lot of other wacky things too. Are you sharp enough to tell the authentic Prof. Jacket quotes from the fake? No cheating!

Correct answers will be rewarded by a picture of Peterson au natural (sans jacket). Answers in future posting.

1.[Omar Minaya and he] “wanted to get in on the ground floor… elevator with him, but instead we got on the escalator.” [On the potential of now waived Cuban defector Alay Soler]

2. "I certainly didn't pop any champagne” [On his disappointment at Sanchez being sent home from camp on account of lateness.]

3. "A full season is like crossing an ocean. It's every day the same guys, same uniforms, same colors, and it's easy to get lost and lose your perspective before you reach the other shore seven months later. Helping people understand where they are along the way and what their recipe for success is, and being there to get them back on track when it slips away is my job." [On his job as a pitching coach]

4."He's maturing a lot faster than red wine does," Peterson said. "It's not going to take five years to be vintage." [On Pelfrey]

5.“These are not the droids you’re looking for.” [To umpire when he checked the ball for scuffing while an unnamed Oakland Athletic was pitching]

6.In the (Indianapolis) 500, you have 10 guys working on a car, and that car can only go a few times around the track before they have to work on it again. Too much speed. A Toyota Camry, if you change the oil and treat it right, it can go for hundreds of thousands of miles.” [On Tom Glavine as a pitcher]

7.“In the Indy 500, they've got like 10 cars or five cars each, I think. He's not going to crash into the wall in the time trial and have no car. Because there's no need to…
“The key is to get to the pole position in October. From that particular point, if you crash into the wall, you crash into the wall. That goes for everybody.”… [On Pedro as a pitcher]

8.“We have a pretty good recipe. And we're going to have competition, which is always a great motivator. Hopefully, we'll turn out some good meals.” [On his pitching staff and its potential]

9.“His off-speed stuff goes together like ketchup and mustard on a hot dog bun at a picnic with a lovely lady.” [Discussing Orlando Hernandez stuff as a pitcher]

10. "Do you like to dance?"…"Yes," Perez answered. "Well, right now you are doing the waltz, you need to be doing the merengue," Peterson explained. [Explaining the secret of success to Oliver Perez]

11. “Do you want to go out there and play with three clubs in your bag or do you want to play with 14 clubs in your bag?” [To Tom Glavine on using a curveball]

12. 'Spring camp is like eating a lobster. It can be an enjoyable experience but…you first need to make sure you have the proper tools, like a bib, some butter, and a device to crack the shell…It can be expensive but if you get a little on you, its no big deal.' [On spring training]

13. 'Do you like ice cream?' I was like, 'Yeah.' Then he said, 'Do you like ketchup?' And I said, 'Um, yeah.' Then he asked me, 'Would you put ketchup on top of the ice cream?' When I said no, he told me, 'Well, that's what you're doing right now.' [To John Maine on his approach to pitching]

14. "One of the greatest movies of all time is 'The Wizard of Oz.' What a great story," …"If you take a look at all the pitchers with untapped potential, I tell them that they are one of those three characters. It's in there, and you don't have to take all the time traveling down the road to get to it." [To no one in particular]

15. "You look at these Fortune 500 companies," Peterson said, "and they come out with new products, and people go, 'It's so simple. Why didn't I think of that?' And the reason is, you didn't have that vision…"You only see it after someone showed it to you. It's not really telling them what to see, but where to look. So they can see it in their own way." [Muttering to himself]

16. “Its like the monkey in the show Friends, everything has to go at some time, and it was time to go.” [To Mike Pelfrey on replacing his curve with a slider]

17. “When you look at what his plan was, there was no plan," …"There was no recipe. There was no map. The first question is, 'Where do you want to go? And where did you come from?' Then you lay out a plan and help them understand that. Not only was he lost, but he was driving in the wrong lane. He thought he was in England. We're driving in the right lane. "It became a simple thing because he got it very quickly. Just like if you're lost and someone gives you directions, all of the sudden you go down a quarter of a mile, make a right and go, 'Jeez, I know exactly where I am.' [On Oliver Perez’s struggles as a Pirate]

18. “You really want to seize the moment. The moment is what it's about.”…[On his coaching philosophy]

19. “[Pedro] is like a basket of cute and fuzzy little kitty cats… he makes it look so effortless on the mound.” [On what Pedro means to the Mets]

20. “You’re a Christian, right, Chad?” “Yeah.” “You believe in Jesus?” “Yeah.” “Have you ever seen him?” “No, I’ve never seen him.” “Ever seen yourself get hitters out?” “Yeah.” “So why the fuck do you have faith in Jesus when you never seen him, but you don’t have faith in your ability to get hitters out when you get hitters out all the time?” [Teaching Chad Bradford to go inside on hitters]

The Bill Singer Interview: Rickey Henderson

Hall of Fame-bound Rickey Henderson is back in the Mets camp as coach and tutor to Jose Reyes. Our own columnist, former two-time 20-game winner and Mets talent evaluator, Bill Singer caught up again with Rickey recently after his previous interview with Baseball Digest.



Singer: What are you doing here?
RH: I'm working.

Singer: What are you doing here?

RH: I'm working. Assistant right now - coaching assistant. Teaching the art of base-running mainly. That’s what I’m here for..

Singer: Where are you from?

RH: Rickey was born in Chicago, but grew up in Oakland.

Singer: Where are you from?

RH: What did Rickey just say?

Singer: (Nonsensically mocks Chinese) What country in China?

RH: Rickey still don't understand what you're saying

Singer: Sorry, I sometimes suffer from a chemical imbalance in conjunction with consuming alcohol. Rickey, many observers saw your presence in Mets camp last year as a thinly veiled attempt to garnish more playing time. How do you respond to such thoughts?

RH: Yeah. I think that’s what I’m working on now (by coming) in here. I hope I have an opportunity to do it next year. Last year I had a little taste of it. This year I’m gonna have a little bit more taste of it.

Singer: Rickey, how much of your longevity and fitness levels can be attributed to a low carbohydrate diet?

RH: Let's see, for breakfast Rickey will have bacon and eggs, and grits if I can get 'em. Then we'll have a good meal after the game, either the clubhouse buffet or at a restaurant someplace. I'll eat a steak sometimes, sure. But not too much. Rickey always leaves something on the plate. Never eat till I'm full; pick here and there, eat small, eat often.

It's all natural: push-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, sit-ups--and a lot of running. I barely lift weights. The strength coaches get mad because I don't go into the weight room. They beg me to go in. Body-building people say that if I used the weight room, I could be a Mr. America. When I'm finished playing, I just might.

Singer:What do you make of the global warming debate? Good science, or liberal alarmism? What's your opinion of Al Gore?

RH: Yes, he played the game to be in the Hall of Fame. Can you say it was because of the steroids? Now that’s a different ball game. Then if you put him in that, then you’ve got to go back to his whole era. Everybody that was there, they don’t deserve to be in it? Then that’s what you gotta do because that’s what happened in his era. Was it bad? Yeah. Was it legal? No. Did it harm the game? No. Was he a bad person? No.

Singer: If Julio Franco can still make the Mets roster, what about you? Your thoughts on retirement?

RH:I believe I could play full-time, but you know in this era nobody really plays full-time too much. I’m the type of player right now that if it came down to it, I could play every day if I worked at it, but playing, backing somebody else up, helping the ball club, I think I could have success.

Singer: Who will win American Idol? Are manufactured pop stars good for America?

RH: They put a dent in the game because it passed the game up. It made players cheat. It’s always going to harm the game because the great ballplayers, back in their time, didn’t have that edge, and they put the hard work in so they deserved what they achieved, not what somebody who had an edge achieved.

Singer: Finally, a tough one. What should the United States do in Iraq?

RH: He had something special too, but in his era, he was like a player with steroids – enhanced. Did it make him a better ballplayer? Yes, maybe. As they said and made it an issue, we see the players who took the steroids. Did it make them a better ballplayer? Yes. Jose [Canseco] said it made him a totally better ballplayer. He made the big leagues because of it. There’s a lot of guys out there who feel the same way. But, was it illegal for us? No. Because that probably would have stopped it a long time ago. Is it illegal now? Yes. So the guys and players that come along now (that) let it happen then, yes, they shouldn’t deserve nothing. But can you go back and say that whole era doesn’t deserve it, because they wasn’t guided the right way? If they would have told them that it was wrong then or that “you’re gonna ban me,” then they wouldn’t had did it, they wouldn’t have had no chance to.

Singer: Thanks for your time, Rickey.

RH: Where Rickey go to get paid for this?

Singer: um...

Around the Horn

The man I affectionately knew as Jeromy "Canthitz" Burnitz has retired from baseball. He was a likeable guy, but man, it was painful to watch this guy struggle at the plate in his last go-round as a Met. There are a number of old ladies sitting in box seats all over the world who can now breathe just a bit easier. Shea was really not the place for Jeromy and his titanic struggles. Perhaps Burnitz should curse Steve Phillips for bringing him back.

Speaking of the devil, Mike at Mike's Mets has some intellegent discussion of Steve Phillips' legacy after the relevation that he dangled not only David Wright, but now Jose Reyes as trade bait. I just can't believe we need to waste more electronic ink on this bozo.

Speaking of horrors, I tuned in to watch Dice K's start against the Baltimore Orioles, eager to see the man who could've been Met and his repitiore of pitches. Guess who surprised me with his ugly boring mug? Yes, I thought i was free of Steve "Trash-on-the-hill" Trachsell, but apparently not. And he won the game while Matsuzaka lost! Who says life is fair. I was going to studiously avoid all Baltimore Orioles games because of I hate seeing Mr. Benson, but just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water...

In the Burnitz article, I noticed that Brian Jordan has also received no interest from major league clubs and is sitting at home. Which reminded me that of all the Br*ves, I'll always hate that guy the most. He always got lucky against the Mets. His signature play was one time when he intentionally tried to injure the Mets catcher, trying to take Piazza legs out at the plate on a meaningless play, because he was pissed at the pitcher for something or another. No class Jordan--have fun watching baseball on TV, if you can get a dish and have proper southern exposure!

Well, I'm off to enjoy what is sure to be a hilarious interview with Coach Rickey.

Around the horn

Say it isn't so!

The lead story of the weekend has to be the Thursday announcement of the MLB-DirecTV "deal."

For the MLB's fork-tongued press release, go here.

For Richard Sandomir's excellent analysis, go here.

The deal? It's kind of exclusive.

According to the AP by way of espn, the deal contains a provision that allows its "Extra Innings" package of out-of-market games to remain on cable television if the other incumbent providers -- InDemand and EchoStar Communications Corp.'s Dish Network -- agree to match the terms.

It's hard to believe that the MLB won't admit that fan and media pressure got to them.

So now a nation turns its weary eyes to Robert D. Jacobson, the InDemand consortium negotiator who is kind of already pissed at the MLB. Senators Kerry and Spector will be looking over the deal in the meantime, a headache you'd think the MLB barons of bullshit would like to avoid. Though nothing is resolved , but I have to remain optimistic that big cable will pull something out of their big cable asses.

The upshot of this is that MLB is giving big cable til March 31 to bargain for ExtraInnings. Of course, they are giving the customer until March 15th to stop MLB from charging their credit cards for another, slightly discounted, automatic renewal of MLBtv. Giving everyone a deadline.
Karma's gonna get you, Bud.

-----------------------------------
Clown Camp

Suddenly, the Mets spring camp is the hottest camp in town.

Willie is not honoring the Duaner, and his teammates are not cutting him any slack. Carlos Delgado's neck is acting up. Shawn Green sucks. Humber's ERA is higher than his age. Old Duque is old. John Franco's wrist is older (though the Dodgers now have a fan who is older than Francostein). BygollyOllie is pitching himself to AAA. Mike "Bats in my" Pelfrey is impressing. Poopyface Heilman isn't impressing. Lastings cleans up his act, but forgets that this is, after all, a family show ("I got to get my [grown] man on").

If you think the hicks of the NL East won't cause problems for the mets, then Greg Maddox is pissing on your leg and telling you its raining. The Br*ves, as far as I'm concerned the mets' perrenial competition until further notice no matter what Jimmy Rollins says, are also having a rollicking camp all of the sudden. There ought to be a German word for the pleasure I feel at reading that:
Bobby Cox is (thinking of) retiring.
Mike Hampton is continuing to enjoy the curse of Mr Met (hey it beats workin, right Mike?).
Atlanta signs Methodman, or Redman. Or something desperate sounding.

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The round-up...

is the lazy blogger's best friend, but a few blogosphere happenings bear mentioning. Archie Bunker's Army is up and running again, with the internet's sexiest baseball previews. I think you'll find that Jap's previews are nicely biased, and in the case of the Met's rotation, brutally honest.

And Metsgrrl is taking commitment to a new, er lower, level by putting her best foot forward.

So check them out.

today's news

The Mets sign Wil Cordero!
The Mets sign Wil Coredero!




THE METS SIGN WIL CORDERO!

Open letter from Bud Selig

Dear Consumer Unit,

Hello, my name is Bud Selig.

You may know me as the man who presided over a performance enhancement drug party at all levels of professional baseball. Or perhaps you remember me as the guy who cancelled the All Star game, right in the middle of it! No matter, I'm not one to rest on my laurels.

To me, its just ridiculous* that anyone would be upset at the genius strategy I have hatched to sell exclusive rights to out-of -market games to a questionable dish corporation with a reputation for awful service.

Think of all the other things in life that are ridiculous. Gas prices. Alfonso Soriano in centerfield.

Sure I may sound callous or completely out of touch, but remember, my only experience in this game other than my reign of terror as commish was to have owned the Milwaukee Brewers, and they are barely a major league franchise. Take away Robin Yount, and you're talking MLS territory! But I digress.

My plan to relieve hardcore fans of the ability to watch baseball has proven to be a slight controversy, in some places.* Places such as everywhere.

"Everywhere I've gone … there's no market that has less than 350 to 400 [televised] games, and some [like Chicago] have quite a bit more than that. We have an enormous amount of product out there.*

As when my benign neglect led to many of baseball's biggest stars being paraded in front of congress to piss out their public credibility and personal integrity like so much keg beer, I am just fasinated that people are outraged at what I am doing to the game.

As for this deal, what fascinates me is I have spent a lot of time going over it and trying to find out who can't get [DirecTV]. * As for DirecTV, I am told by experts in the field that there are very few people who cannot get DirecTV. * Experts such as the guy from DirecTV. I have found to my satisfaction that most people can't actually get direcTV, without moving, switching their service, breaking contracts, or mowing down forests. But, hey what do I care, I'm Bud Selig!

As many know, I have always loved a good contraction. I have failed to contract the Minnesota Twins, but I believe the direcTV deal will deliver the contraction I have always wanted. Contraction of the fanbase!

Hell there really aren't that many fans out there anyhow--let's face it, baseball is boring and we'd all rather watch football and basketball. We're down now to such small numbers, that I'm really wondering [about the fuss]."… In a year or two, when people understand the significance of this deal … everybody will understand it." *Just like how they understood the way I used collusion to become commisioner, and my lax drug testing standards that allow people like John Rocker and Rodger Clemens to enjoy sucess.

I've heard for years we have too much product out there.* There's just too much product out there! Think about it; you go to the store for cereal and there are like a million choices. Who needs that?!

What have I got for you instead? You're gonna love this! Forget the cable package you've enjoyed for several years. Instead, you can take your ass right over to MLB.com and watch it on the fritz...on your computer!

Sure we've all heard the complaints about the low quality and non-existent support staff of MLB tv.com. Instead of getting the basic service right, we added another tier of "service." For a mere $20 more, we swear you'll actually be able to watch the games! If we here at the MLB know one thing, its that our customer units love to throw good money after bad. So we offer six games to cram onto your laptop screen, when most fans wish we could first successfully offer one. I tell people that its like all those extra blades Gillete keeps putting on your disposable razor, only the razor only cuts some of your beard on some days, and most days just leaves your face a bloody mess!

As customer units, you have the right to complain, and as commisioner, I have the right to ignore you, or pretend I can't hear you. In conclusion, as long as the game I hate suffers, I just don't give a damn! Biatch!

i'm out,
Bud



[editor's note: *words actually reported to have been uttered by B. Selig!]

[another editor's note: for a real, even more ridiculous letter from Bud Selig, this fan claims he received one. Even though I was a bit more restrained than Nathan, Bud never answered my letter.]

[editor's third note: for more serious coverage, check out the original report "Selig Mocks Foes of TV deal," Sandomir, Deadspin, TV predictions, Business Week, and Baseball Musings.