It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Open letter from Bud Selig

Dear Consumer Unit,

Hello, my name is Bud Selig.

You may know me as the man who presided over a performance enhancement drug party at all levels of professional baseball. Or perhaps you remember me as the guy who cancelled the All Star game, right in the middle of it! No matter, I'm not one to rest on my laurels.

To me, its just ridiculous* that anyone would be upset at the genius strategy I have hatched to sell exclusive rights to out-of -market games to a questionable dish corporation with a reputation for awful service.

Think of all the other things in life that are ridiculous. Gas prices. Alfonso Soriano in centerfield.

Sure I may sound callous or completely out of touch, but remember, my only experience in this game other than my reign of terror as commish was to have owned the Milwaukee Brewers, and they are barely a major league franchise. Take away Robin Yount, and you're talking MLS territory! But I digress.

My plan to relieve hardcore fans of the ability to watch baseball has proven to be a slight controversy, in some places.* Places such as everywhere.

"Everywhere I've gone … there's no market that has less than 350 to 400 [televised] games, and some [like Chicago] have quite a bit more than that. We have an enormous amount of product out there.*

As when my benign neglect led to many of baseball's biggest stars being paraded in front of congress to piss out their public credibility and personal integrity like so much keg beer, I am just fasinated that people are outraged at what I am doing to the game.

As for this deal, what fascinates me is I have spent a lot of time going over it and trying to find out who can't get [DirecTV]. * As for DirecTV, I am told by experts in the field that there are very few people who cannot get DirecTV. * Experts such as the guy from DirecTV. I have found to my satisfaction that most people can't actually get direcTV, without moving, switching their service, breaking contracts, or mowing down forests. But, hey what do I care, I'm Bud Selig!

As many know, I have always loved a good contraction. I have failed to contract the Minnesota Twins, but I believe the direcTV deal will deliver the contraction I have always wanted. Contraction of the fanbase!

Hell there really aren't that many fans out there anyhow--let's face it, baseball is boring and we'd all rather watch football and basketball. We're down now to such small numbers, that I'm really wondering [about the fuss]."… In a year or two, when people understand the significance of this deal … everybody will understand it." *Just like how they understood the way I used collusion to become commisioner, and my lax drug testing standards that allow people like John Rocker and Rodger Clemens to enjoy sucess.

I've heard for years we have too much product out there.* There's just too much product out there! Think about it; you go to the store for cereal and there are like a million choices. Who needs that?!

What have I got for you instead? You're gonna love this! Forget the cable package you've enjoyed for several years. Instead, you can take your ass right over to and watch it on the fritz...on your computer!

Sure we've all heard the complaints about the low quality and non-existent support staff of MLB Instead of getting the basic service right, we added another tier of "service." For a mere $20 more, we swear you'll actually be able to watch the games! If we here at the MLB know one thing, its that our customer units love to throw good money after bad. So we offer six games to cram onto your laptop screen, when most fans wish we could first successfully offer one. I tell people that its like all those extra blades Gillete keeps putting on your disposable razor, only the razor only cuts some of your beard on some days, and most days just leaves your face a bloody mess!

As customer units, you have the right to complain, and as commisioner, I have the right to ignore you, or pretend I can't hear you. In conclusion, as long as the game I hate suffers, I just don't give a damn! Biatch!

i'm out,

[editor's note: *words actually reported to have been uttered by B. Selig!]

[another editor's note: for a real, even more ridiculous letter from Bud Selig, this fan claims he received one. Even though I was a bit more restrained than Nathan, Bud never answered my letter.]

[editor's third note: for more serious coverage, check out the original report "Selig Mocks Foes of TV deal," Sandomir, Deadspin, TV predictions, Business Week, and Baseball Musings.



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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.