To the Barricades!! DirecTV Extra Innings Needs a Spanking

The Greater Los Angeles New York Mets Fans Sports Bar Club needs your help!!

How often does the GLANYMFSBC ask you for anything? Isn't it nice to know they are there?

Well, we Mets fans need to band together to fight "Empty Bases Syndrome" where ever it raises its ugly head...please read below and support the cause if you can.

IMFM reader Keyser writes in:


Dear Mets fans,

If you are tired of WPIX not being on DirecTV on Extra Innings, and therefore missing not only the Mets home broadcasts on Sunday but the Mets games altogether on some weeks, including this vitally important Mets-Phillies game, please send me an individual Email with your name, Email address, and your own well-written complaint to me and I will forward it to the appropriate party at DirecTV. Please be sure to include your name and Email address in the text of the Email.

send your complaint to: sohsie at hotmail dot com

Lets Go Mets (anytime now :-(

Mets Mail One In, This Fan Returns to Sender

I didn't watch a minute of tonight's game. Yeah, I was really busy, and yah I peeked at the gameday score. But otherwise, I was in FULL ON PROTEST MODE.

Is it too early to break out my old graphics? I think not. If the Mets are going to recycle 2007 and 2008, then I sure as shit won't kill myself on the googles.


So I shall post nary a comment on last night's game against the Cardinals. I am only here to share a couple of video links pathetically stolen from other blogs, one for you comedy buffs which needs no explanation. I took it from the 'Ropolitans who got if from some Philly blog, so hat tip to the Ropolitans and nothing for the rest of them. It's just goddamn funny to watch.



And for you history buffs, a speech Bobby V gave concerning some of the more interesting, behind the scenes, mustached moments in his Mets career. I saw it somewhere but can't remember where. It turns out, it was all Robin's fault. I loved Robin Ventura.

Metastrophe 2009 Begins! Ollies Follies, Carlos Bel-trots, Jerry Plays Fossum, Razor Dims, Murph Hits the Turf

On the plus side, this team does allow me to economize on images.

Because there are no words... Let's use pictures and go through some of the crimes against baseball committed by our boys last night. If you missed it, be happy. Otherwise, at least we got the season's worst game out of the way, right?

Crime 1. Beltran's BelTrot

I haven't utterd my catchphrase, "Holyfunkingwhoopdiewow!", in quite some time. But Carlos baby, the games played in St.Louis are still televised to the outside world. Wallace Matthews is probably on your front lawn right now, you think your wife appreciates that? How are we going to defend you from those who still hate you from the last terrible awful no good thing that happened in St Louis or those who say you play with indifference after watching you trot home when the situation called for some serious hitting of the dirt?


"I like to keep my clothes clean, and that includes my jersey."



"Hey pretty boy, try sliding!"

Crime 2: Razor Shits

After a few weeks, I am increasingly questioning Razor's loyalty.

What Razor did to Murphy in the 4th inning is inexcusable. He was out by a country mile. That run would've been important had you not hung it out to dry. He almost hurt himself too.




Crime 3: Jerry inserts ice cold Cassey Fossum


Jerry Plays Fossum!

I know your head hurts, so let me explain. This is a possum. Playing possum means playing dead, or pretending you are dead. Yanking sucky Perez in the 5th is one thing--I might have done it when he gave up a hit to the fucking pitcher. But sticking new call up Casey Fossum in so he can walk the game tied is "Playing Fossum." Ollie could have done that just as well. The result is Mets fans have the expression above, and Fossum's confidence is shot. Add the clusterfuck that is DFAing a fan favorite journeyman who could have handled walking the tying run in just as easy, to replace him with Fossum just 'cause you never signed a decent lefty for the pen this winter, and you have...METS FRONT OFFICE MAGIC!

Also, I'm not sure if Jerry knows about open bases and Albert Pujols.

Crime 4: Front office gives Oliver Perez new contract


I still can't fucking believe Omar went after this guy. Oh, he had choices. He made the wrong one. This is probably really crime 1, but its not that entertaining any more. $36 million for a guy who can't make it out of the 5th inning on his best days without giving it up.

Crime 5: Murphy is not so great at fielding


These are just some of the moves Daniel Murphy has tried in the Citi outfield so far.

Actually, even though it pretty much lost the game for the Mets, this doesn't rate as a heinous crime. Everybody falls down sometimes. What is worse is that Murphy still doesn't know where to throw the ball when he does catch it, and has a poor arm apparently. This game isn't going in his scrapbook by any means. Murphy was picked off first by Molina in the first inning with David Wright at the plate, and he was also thrown out at home in the fourth inning. If the Mets had any leadership, I would guess that most of Murphy's salary is going to pay clubhouse fines at this point.

Other minor issues:

*First base ump sucks big ones, mistakenly calling some Cardinal or other safe when Delgado's foot was clearly on the bag. Also I think Murphy's hand touched the bag before he got tagged in the face when the smirking fuck Yadier Molina "picked him off" first.
*Putz gave it up after Murphy's error, a bit discouraging.
*Mets squandering what little good play Luis Castillo will provide them this season.

This team is not good because of its tendency towards cascading, systemic failures. The offense scores 4 runs off of Todd Fucking Wellemeyer, and coaches, management, defense, and offense all collaborate to tear defeat from the jaws of victory. It'd be tragic if we didn't see it all the time from these guys, but now its barely watchable.

Melissa Alano Can't Stop the Mets

Mets manager Jerry Manuel, looking something like the above, must have been happy with his bullpen's performance yesterday.

Since I was out-Fauxed by MLB and the Saturday arrangement they have to deny their paying customers the right to watch their product, I couldn't see the game and have no idea what happened. So, in lieu of actual representations of todays game, unfortunately I have to go with these artists' interpretations of what the game looked like.

I can get some clues about what the game must have been like from media accounts and interviews. For instance, Mets closer on Johan Santana's performance yesterday:

"He put on a show out there," Rodriguez said. "He's great, no question about it. He's one of the best."

Wow, a show! Who would have expected that? I love shows. Too bad we couldn't see that show.














On to what I heard happened in the game. Jose Reyes, shown above--that's what he must look like--fielder's choiced home SUPERSTAR Alex Cora from third in the 7th inning for the game's only run.

Even more exciting, I heard through the grapevine that a very special actress was featured at the game: Alyssa Milano! She was apparently confused as to who plays at Citi, since she opened up a boutique in the Mets home park when she meant to do it at the Dodger Stadium Arena Field!













Reportedly, Alyssa Milano loves baseball. She looks something like this.

It looks like Jerry Manuel isn't being fitted for some Touch athletic wear anytime soon. He doesn't even know who Alyssa Milano is, so he obviously hasn't watched TV in 15 years. So he probably also doesn't know that, no longer content with tiny dogs that fit in their purses or getting herpes from Derek Jeter,* America's actresses are weighing in on baseball all over the place, including the Mets' own Julia Stiles. Someones' agents have spread the word about gathering some new fans on the cheap, huh? Stiles' life experience merits some column space in the Wall St Journal. Meanwhile, actual sportswriters (and there used to be some good ones) are out of work all over the place.

There were some sad moments in the game. Like the Mets "No Runs For You" attitude towards Santana, who really deserves some. And then the running, oh the humanity! Carlos Beltran is so either irrationally hated (for his big contract and high-profile habit of looking at called strike 3s) or irrationally loved (for his top-notch defense and reliable offensive numbers) that calling him out is a highly political move. Well, I carry the card of neither club, and his baserunning blunder today could have cost the Mets the game. Here's one account:

Don't they teach you that in Little League?

In the bottom of the sixth inning, the Mets looked like they were finally going to break through against Brewers starter Yovani Gallardo. Carlos Beltran had singled and the next batter, Gary Sheffield, was hit by the pitch.

But there was one out and when Ryan Church hit a hard ball to the left field corner and that's where Beltran cost the Mets a run. It was a well-hit ball, however Brewers left fielder Ryan Braun is no bum with the glove and Beltran clearly thought he wasn't going to be able to make the catch. So he rounded third -- only to see Braun catch the ball.

Was this really the right situation for Beltran to "cheat" a little bit? I guess it's hard to keep your head in the game when you're a NY Met. So much to do in Citi field.

***

The Mets' lack of attention to (their) history has some columnists wanting to give CitiField a pearl necklace!


***












Tomorrow, fans wil thrill as Nelson Figueroa tries his new underhand ball out on the Brew Crew (stock footage).

Well, it's April and the Mets are already getting Figgy with it! Yah. Let the parade of farmhand bulls through the $140 million china shop begin!!



*Jeter isn't the only current beloved Yankee who hates New York and America.

Geezers Power Mets Past Crew: Shef of the Present Ties it So Gimpy Castillo Can Walk Off

AP

I'm surprised Gary Sheffield could even swing with that enormous patch on his shoulder. But swing he did, and his teammates politely mobbed him. I didn't see Shef out there celebrating with Luis Castillo at the end (maybe he already went home or retired?), but I was distracted by the way Oliver Perez was jumping around like he was next in line to swing at the pinata at a children's birthday party and he had heard the thing was stuffed with Hot Wheels. Anyhow, I'm glad that's over with, as talk of numbered hologramed balls had made me embarrassed for the guy, as well as draining baseball of any remaining magic. The guy who acquired the appropriately catalogued ball remitted it for some promotional considerations. How romantic!!

The Mets continue their charity tour of the second division, spreading good cheer and easy victories for the opposition. As a sober Willie Randolph looked on, the Brewers looked to be well on their way to continuing their psychic domination of the Mets from last year, when the Crew was a much better team. Now that they are second division again, they can play with the NY Mets. But the Mets surprised the Men of Milwaukee with some hitting heroics and decent bullpen work, and they're right back at .500 where they started.


Coming to Queens really has to suck for Coach Randolph.

Castillo came through with an infield basehit to win the game. SNY interviewed him after the game, a tradition that seems cruel when the target is gassed English As Second Language ballplayer still on the field. Anyhow, I have no idea what Castillo said, but I felt for him and his struggles to play respectable baseball.

Jerry has Senior Moment Forgets to Pull Livan Hernandez
The bloom is off the rose. The other Livan Hernandez showed up in the 6th. He probably should have been sitting on the special bench they made so he can take showers all by himself by then, but Jerry has to learn somehow. Getting five decent innings from Livan is acceptable; problem is the three other guys who also only give you five innings.

Gary Jinxes Livan
In that 6th inning, Gary of SNY would not shut up about the Brewers offensive futility. You knew what was coming and Gary seems to enjoy this, or be unable to stop himself. As Livan weakened precipitously, Gary ramped up his rhetoric. Ryan Braun finally shut him up by slamming a demoralizing 3 run homer into the left field stands while Gary was still braying on.

***

Somebody explain to me what they were thinking here.














Did they run out of money? Did Ebbets field have little league quality facilities? Is it a tribute to Guantanamo Bay? When the SNY cameras pan over the place, I keep expecting Freddy Kruger to pop out of there. That's the best they could do?

***
Mets Today does some speaking truth to power/incompetence that's worth checking out. Met flak David Howard apparently called in to Mike Francesa’s radio show to set the audience straight on Citi's unsightly sightlines. It appears the same design company HOK goes around building flawed "throwback" parks, and keeps getting hired. Sounds like a Hollywood director or a candidate for some bailout money!

Pelf on the Shelf but Mets get Dr Heckle, not Mr Cowhide and Cruise Over Pads

Dr. Heckle or Mr. Cowhide: conventional wisdom is, you never know which one you're going to get when Oliver Perez takes the mound. But tonight you could kind of feel that Perez was on a mission, a mission to pay attention throughout the entire game, if not to wear himself out during some of the most passionate at-bats by a Met in recent memory. I know most recaps are probably concentrating on his pitching, but he was swinging the bat like a Karate man, and running out every ball he hit anywhere near fair territory. You'd think they took him aside and expressed concerns about his hitting.


Should Murphy have hit the cutoffman Wright, cutoff man Reyes, or just goddamn thrown home? Fans are still trying to make sense of Daniel Murphy's outfield mysteries.

Ollie went to 3 balls on the batter after Daniel Murphy's Outfield Puzzler De Jour, and you could kind of feel this coming:


Or even this:















But somehow, perhaps because San Diego was "Podthetic" in the field, the Mets won this one going away. In the 7th Nick Hundley the Padre catcher seemed to be working on his audition tape for the 2008 Mets when he rocked a passed ball/wild pitch and a throwing error allowing damn near everyone to score, including Fran Healy-era Jose Reyes who scored from first; first time I've seen someone score from first on essentially a passed ball. Somehow the ball ricocheted away from the brick backstop, even as close as it is to homeplate. Poor Hundley almost single-handedly turned a 2-1 squeaker into a blow out. At least no one hit him in the face with a cream pie afterwards, though it would have been entirely fitting.

***


After Santana, the Mets rotation is suspect.

The Mets learned that they have lost the services of the Tongue, who has sucked this season perhaps due to tendinitis. As Tongues go, is better than Leukoplakia or some other mouth problem. I don't know what to say, but it's already time for Tim Redding, Freddy Garcia, Luis Ayala, a Juggler, some Mexican League cast-offs, and the typical Met chump parade to start. You can lead an Omar to water but you can't make him prepare for a season. The two guys coming off of injuries (not Livan--fatness is not an injury) in the rotation aren't even hurt yet and we are down one.

***
For more lurid details on how chUmp Bruce Dreckman allowed David Eckstein to call that balk on Feliciano for him Monday night, go here. I hope Dreckman is at least taking some kidding from the other umpires. Pathetic to decide a game on a tickytack call that you didn't even make yourself. Welcome to the Met hall of Umpire shame, Dreckman.

Mets Balk at Opening Night Win, Fulfill Only Heath Bell Fantasy that Doesn't Involve Cupcakes

Heath Bell, left, discusses game strategy with Duaner Sanchez.

In another world, I would have titled this post "Ben Johnson, Jon Adkins Contribute to Fine Win for Mets Over Pads on Citi Opening Day."

The 2006 Mets were a great team. A fun team. Most of them have moved on, but they occasionally return with vengeance on their mind. Last night, the Mets of 2009 got their asses handed to them by the Mets of 2006. If you're keeping score, that's Pedreadful Feliciano, Duaner Sanchez and Heath Bell. I was only slightly surprised when Bartolome Fortunato didn't come running out of the San Diego Padres bullpen to relieve the immortal Walter Silva (1 for 2 at the plate).

It's hard to imagine a more ignominious ballpark opening. It was an inauguration like the country hasn't seen since that of George W. Bush, Millard Fillmore or Franklin Pierce depending on your tastes. It couldn't have been worse if Mike Piazza received the ceremonial first pitch from tipsy Tom Seaver shirtless, with backne in full display. It was that bad.

First, Citi bank goes belly up, and takes a huge chunk of federal handout money after pledging 20 mil a year to defile the new Shea by pasting their disgraced name all over it. This is old news, something most will scratch their heads over and forget, but I still think its an embarrassment to the Mets, Jackie Robinson, Mookie Wilson, and the Wilpon family.

Citigroup, which now does business as Citi, has been the recipient of billions of dollars in taxpayer-funded bailout money over the past year, causing many to question the prudence of $400 million going toward branding Citi Field, especially when Citigroup cut nearly 75,000 jobs in 2008, capped by 50,000 announced in November.

Rep. Dennis J. Kucinich, D-Ohio, has been an outspoken critic of the deal. He has called attention to the issue of corporate spending discretion, or lack thereof, particularly when jobs are at risk.

"At the same time they're defending this $400 million stadium-naming deal, they lay off 50,000 people. Now, how many people could you employ for $400 million?"

The Wilpons want to be seen as good guys, for example the bullshit about being a "family-oriented" the spewed back when they signed Gl*vine (shortly thereafter having two catchers on the roster with sexually violent criminal records), or the lengths they've gone to celebrate Jackie Robinson, who deserves celebration but was never a Met. Instead they just come off as fools, and greedy fools at that. Tom Gl*vine absolutely sucked. A-Rod was denigrated for his attitude, Lastings Milledge was given away for free becuase of his, and Manny Ramirez, the one player who really could have changed the complexion of this sad sack, and lets face it, desparate team wasn't even made an offer, no doubt in part because of his attitude problem. Then they go and sign Gary Fucking Sheffield! Unwilling to give steady, useful Derek Lowe $3 million more, they end up with $36 million Oliver Fucking Perez. Then after sneakily starting the ticket price gouging last year so it would look better this year when they extort their fans for more, they give us a park that has ridiculously high outfield walls that prevent the very homerun grabs (or failed grabs) that make up many Shea memories, and that somehow has obstructed views. The fucking team hasn't made the playoffs since 2006. That the Wilpons have no shame is one thing. That they have no idea what they're doing with their money is an entirely different thing.

Then, picking right back up where they left off last year, the Mets promptly embarrassed themselves right out of the new park. So much for a fresh start, as the Mets brought along the poor defense, mediocre pitching, and lack of timely hitting the 2008 Mets were known for. Other than ex-Mets and current Mets, they got beat by a starting pitcher who last played in the Mexican league.




For opening night, the Mets didn't even start the best available pitcher on the field. Instead, Mike Pelfrey stumbled all over the mound, literally and figuratively, good for a run an inning for five innings. He promptly wrote himself into the record books by giving up a "first" in nearly every offensive category. Apparently, even the neighborhood cats didn't want to stay and watch.


Fluffy after the game: I paid $650 at Citi to watch that crap team? I'll just stay at home next time.

Jose Reyes has been unable to capture his old form. He daringly slid right by the bag in an attempt to stretch a single and treat the fans to some excitement. A nice try. Like the rest of the offense, he's misfiring or backfiring or something.

Ryan Church contributed tonight's "catch of the day." He knows he'll be fighting for playing time, but perhaps his mind was eased watching Shef ground meekly into what promises to be only the first of a billion double-play balls (Shef beat it out without the aid of his Segway).


Wondering how 50 yr old Gary Sheffield is going to cover right field on Wednesday?

Not to be outdone, Pedreadful Feliciano, pitching in his 9th game out of 7, came in and gave the Pads an virtual balk off win with two outs, showing that he was no match for that internet joke that's getting old, Scrappy Gamer David Eckstein. The Padres didn't even have to earn it, cause the Mets rolled over and spoiled the TARP field opening day memory.




Pads closer Heath Bell, who hates NY and the Mets like a fat kid likes cake, actually mowed down the NY Mayor at one point when he threw an angry fastball right through the backstop screen. On this night, as the kids say today, Heath Bell=EPIC FAIL for Omar. For such a crappy also-ran team, our Mets sure inspire a lot of anger among their opponents. This is one reason I would have been in favor of bringing back Bobby V, to deflect some of the hate.

As it is, it's already time for Jerry Manuel to go back to the drawing board. But I don't see him having any more luck than the last guy with this team: star hitters that never click (after 2006, have you seen Wright, Reyes, Beltran and Delgado on base in the same inning?) + automatic outs at the bottom of the order = No Fun for Mets Fans. The team, barely changed from last year, still lacks what I can only call offensive chemistry. The hitters don't gel. You explain it.

MLB "Extra Innings", Fox, Marlin Twits (and Flo Rida) Rob Fans of Steller Otro Duque Performance

Thanks Bud Selig, you dick!
I hope you get a paper cut counting all the money from both Fox and all us chumps who purchase your sub par broadcast packages--you get paid for the same games twice and the fans can get fucked, right?! Empty Base Syndrome continues.

Hernandez, Castillo, Reyes, Delgado, Church all had swell games I am told. I bet they wish I saw them.

Reed All About It!

What, was Great White otherwise occupied? They've got more jail time than this poseur.
One reviewer on Flo Rida: " I would eat a bowl of nails then to listen to flo rida."


Jeremy Reed became a true Met, for what that's worth, by getting a big hit against the evil and stinky Fish. That's the last good thing that happened last night to the Flushing .500s as the Fish enjoyed a "Flop Off win." The Mets executed a "Slump-Off Loss," stranding between 40-78 men on base (ok only 27), and getting situationness out of only Reed, Beltran, and Tatis, who I swear to god hit a grand slam homer last night, which Jeffrey Loria secretly shot down with laser beams purchased no doubt, with funds embezzled from the Dade County general fund. Meanwhile, Church, Murph are hitting and even Wright, who looks lost, and Delgado are not struggling. The bottom of the order are the same automatic outs we had planted there last year, so we can expect similar offensive results I suppose until something changes. I see nothing that makes me think O'Day should be on this team, he doesn't even have the stuff that Joe Smith had for crying out loud. Omar seems to want to have "the side-armer," "the geriatric," "the Hernandez brother", these types, on every club.


The Mets are obviously going to have a tough season against Cody Ross (left) and Dan Uggla and the Marlins.

The game left me with lots of questions. First, if Emilio Bonifacio can wreck havoc with his speed, why can't Jose Reyes? Oh right, he's a big star and big stars don't bunt. Second, why can't the Mets get up to play the Marlins? The Fish have ruined more than one season for the Mets and yet they play like its the end of days and the Mets just can't get it done. Not that I'm saying the Mets folded last night, but jeez I mean really. Don't they want to send a sign that they aren't going to take it anymore? Third, Jerry, is it really necessary to pitch to Hanly Ramirez, every time? Maybe you want to give your young/new guys in the pen some confidence, but the rest of us want to win some games. So how about leveraging some of that prime closer stuff when it fucking counts, since you have two of them. Roles, you say? Well Putz will most likely walk the first chance he gets, so I'd say why keep him too happy? Fourth, as Omar said, the team doesn't really need a Manny Ramirez type to drive in runners from their comfy place on the bases. No siree, we'll just go with the guys we got.

Without "the Hammer" or "Jake" (the Mets traitor) to verbally rim job all night, the Broadcast Booth with the Smallest Metaphorical Penises in the MLB, I think their names are Rich Waltz and Tommy Hutton, had a harder time annoying me. I bet the players hate them and the way they pretend they're overly familiar with the nicknames and all. During the broadcast, one of them pretended that Keith Hernandez made small talk with them. I'm sure Keith wouldn't have done that.

Tonight, you'll miss an hour of the game thanks to two of the shittiest institutions in America: Fux Network and the state of Florida. Well, it's not really Florida's fault, but if the state didn't exist, the rapper would have to call himself something else like Roo DyeLand, and perhaps he wouldn't have got the gig.


Members of the Marlins celebrate their victory over the Mets last night.

As for the Marlins, I think I'll let this young Flo Rida critic speak for me:

"NIZZZAWWWW that ***** is trash//he makes club music for the suburbs//his lyrics are fckin trash//he has fckin a VEGETA Hairline//he couldnt even prolli hang with chingy in a battle."

Yeah!

Tongue Wags, Mets Party Like its 2008

The Mets faltered, but luckily K-Rod was there to save the day!

Mets pitchers had nothing, almost the whole game. And it was a long, irritating game, especially considering what's coming tonight with the Ollie show rolling in. I hope Brian Stokes had a big supper. The Mets, just two games into the season, have already reclaimed that magical style whereby at the first sign of a laboring pitcher who is battling without their best stuff, the call goes out to the dynamic defense, who then blend the awful pitching seamlessly with shoddy fielding, careless throwing, losing balls in the lights, and if there's time, grievous mental errors galore. This is 2008 Mets baseball at its finest. The problem is of course, that its 2000 freakin 9. A black man is president. My IRA is gone. It's a new year! But as of now, this is the same flawed team as last year folks, aside from a couple of new closers (I was wondering how many KRod appearances it will take Metsfans to realize their hearts would be better off if Putz was the closer.) And Pedreadful Feliciano (27.00 ERA) is Still. On. The. Roster.


Mike Pelfrey, pictured above, battled with less than his best stuff.

The good? Well Tongue, he was wagging, but he battled. Brian Schneider still sucks at hitting but perhaps tonight's heroics will give him some confidence. He's still good at picking wives. Carlos Delgado can't field worth a shit, but he's hitting. And when K-Rod nearly blows a game out his ass, he apparently dials down the pomp and pump. That's nice.



Cincinnati's Reds might not be very good, but the townspeople, pictured here, always rally to their cause no matter what.

Look it's early, and I'm not going to make hay about how the Mets, picked for World Series glory by some and a distant third in the NL East by others, could barely beat a Reds team with barely a recognizable name on the roster. I'm just saying, you could hear the Br*ves and Philmes beating up on each other from Ohio! Unfortunately in that match, the bad guys won. Also, the bad guys lost. So really, even Steven is what we got and is the best we can hope for. The Br*ves blew a 10-3 lead ferchrissakes! The competition in the NL East is going to be much more fierce than last year, so the Mets don't have time to go all Nancy on us.

This Time, Mets Try to Get More from Reds than Pat Zachry, Doug Flynn, Steve Henderson, and Dan Norman

Mike Pelfrey: "I think I'll go for a walk. I feel happy!"

Some reading notes for your Wednesday enjoyment:

I think anything less than a sweep of the Reds will be a disappointment. I think this Reds team is overrated since they lost the immortal Helicopter Patterson. Meanwhile, mad scientist and occasional columnist Tom Verducci is trying to convince Big Pelf, today's starter, that he is about to be injured. But the Tongue is having none of it.


Once merely a fifth starter, Pelfrey has really shot up the charts.

***
I would enter the drawing for Bernie Madoff's Mets tickets, but I don't think I can stand to get another "sorry you weren't chosen" email from anyone. I have never won the chance to pay a kings ransom for Mets tickets, not even once. If you want to try your luck, go for it.

***
I'm both lazy and busy. So here's Wikipedia on what the title of the post refers to.

On June 15, 1977, the Reds entered the trading market with a vengeance. New York was heartbroken by the news that the Mets' franchise pitcher Tom Seaver was being traded to the Reds for Pat Zachry, Doug Flynn, Steve Henderson, and Dan Norman.


***
Mascot madness
As my reader(s) know, for some reason I delight in mocking the mascot of each Met opponent as stand-ins for their teams. If you knew the time I spend searching for compromising pictures of guys dressed like animals, things and holy men, you'd have even less respect for me than you do now. But last night, I ran into something bigger than me, something that shook me to the bone. Now it's pretty bad and a little bit confusing that the Reds have not one, but two totally creepy looking Mr Met rip-offs.

One guy looks like he came from 70s porn, a barbershop quartet, lives next to Homer Simpson or all three.



The other looks as cuddly as an alien from a 50s movie


But, as I discovered during my "research," sweet lord it gets worse, so much worse.

Ladies and gentlemen, but hopefully not children, I bring you...
the Gapper.

"How He Got His Name: When he first got to Cincinnati, our big, red furry friend didn't have a name. At Redsfest 2002 a contest was launched and the Reds left the naming up to the fans. With over 6,000 submissions during the month of December, we were overwhelmed with the response. After sifting through all the great names, the Reds decided that the name that truly fit was "Gapper". The winner of the Name the Mascot contest received season tickets for the inaugural season in Great American Ball Park. Thanks to all those who participated and congratulations to our winners! "

I'm pretty sure Rosie Red keeps her distance.


I don't know what living in Ohio must be like, but it's probably all spelled out in the membership guide for the Reds Head Kid's Club!! If you have an opportunity to get to know a Gapper, or join the Head club for children, I hope you don't blow it!

Even with all the Reds disasters to chose from, Pete Rose betting on baseball, Marge Schott betting on Hitler, Ken Griffey taking a hometown discount, Rod Dibble posing for Playgirl...this has to rank up there.

***
Mets inflating tiers

How's yer day goin?
Read the following sentence aloud, then click here.
"The Mets haven't even made the playoffs since 2006."

I'm being cute. But look here, I don't know what the technical meaning of the phrase "public trust" is, but I'm pretty sure the Mets are violating it:

David Newman, the Mets’ senior vice president for marketing and communications, said that the tier inflation was based on the team’s improvement in the standings over the past few years and the high demand to see the new ballpark, which has more amenities than Shea Stadium yet 15,000 fewer seats.

As Morris Day would say, Don't it make you mad?

(Don't cha all just hate it, when we walk into y'all's joint?
And just jerk out everything in sight?
Don't it make you mad?
Jerk out - Don't it make you mad?
Jerk out - It'd make me mad! 4:25)

***
Enjoy tonight's game, because I'm told Oliver Perez, aka Doh'Pee, is taking the hill, or just as likely, being taken by the hill on Thursday. God, the thought gives me a headache.

Off-Day Blather: 1.000 Tuesday

Mr Redlegs, shown here holding up a Cincinnati area day camp.

Luckily for the Mets, the Reds weren't armed or dangerous yesterday, and we squeaked through with the feel-good win so today isn't miserable. The Reds looked terrible in the field. For such a nail-biter of a game, I was a little bored. Maybe its the lack of that Aaron-Heilman-Anger-Adrenaline surge. I'll get used to it.



The Mets left 12 stranded yesterday--they just don't have pictures of that many ducks on a pond on The Google, so I had to make do. Sure, accuse me of negativity on a day where almost everything else went Wright, but you didn't have to stay up all night coming up with a new metric--RARISP (Runner After Runner in Scoring Position)--to describe the Mets continuing offensive futility. And while there will be no Razor Shines jokes today, I can't help but wonder if David Wright's eyebrows are starting to impede his baserunning. What other explanation is there?


At this rate, the Reds may need to suit this guy up for their outfield.

Far be it from me to take the pressure off of Wright, especially after his performance on the base paths yesterday, but Gary Sheffield came to the Mets because he owns a house in New York. Also, he didn't want to have to sit on the Philadelphia bench near Brett Myers, that cancer.

***

Thanks to Cver, I have something to rage about today. I hope when America's complacent baseball fans finally topple the Access of Evil--the Fux Network, the MLB, and the Florida Marlin's broadcast team-- I will at least be offered a spot in the new regime for all my work over the years, here here here here. Fux continues to hoard the baseball games they don't broadcast, and ruin the ones they do (Joe Buck you, or Fuck you). The tragedy is that Empty Base Syndrome is curable. But Bud Selig hears your complaints about the preposterous blackout policy and he farts at you.

While the recession lingers, we need to organize a National Past-time Preservation social movement and present our demands to President Obama (who for some reason, routinely gets involved in these sorts of things). Demands should include:

*That we each receive a rebate for every game we miss because of the MLB's bad deal with Fux. Since we paid to see this game already and all by purchasing MLB.tv or Extra Innings, etc.
*That Steve Phillips, added to ESPNs to make Joe Morgan sound sage, be removed immediately from all baseball related activities.
*Immediate and complete over haul of MLB's outrageous blackout rules.
*Four words: Joe Buck Public Flogging.

***

What does it say when Met Life chooses to enter a sponsorship deal with the Yankees instead? I wonder if the Mets can lure Yankee Candle in retribution? All I know, hopefully this company won't be getting their money's worth as much as they have in recent years. (H/T CSTB).

***



Apparently, the Reds just send their mascot out into the community to weird people out, a role that used to be performed by Marge Schott.

***


Omar's Elders: A Weekly Tracker (a new feature)

How did the Mets' "impact Geezers" do yesterday? Not so bad, not so bad. Let's keep track of how they spent their days.

Carlos Delgado: 2 for 4 with an impressive stretch into foul territory to complete pretty double play.
Luis Castillo: 1 for 3 with double and walk, no crucial game blowing errors. Also, no boobird serenades, at least that could be heard from Ohio.
Gary Sheffield: Soup was cold. Developed some concerns about being lockered near so many Latins, but will hold them until next team meeting. Mets' check seems to have cleared.
Livan Hernandez: Game time put crimp in plan to visit Cincinnati's best early bird special buffet. Spent most of morning looking for eyeglasses, so didn't finish today's "Jumble."
Freddy Garcia: Was just going to have one donut, but well there's always tomorrow. That Marmaduke gets into some trouble doesn't he?
Billy Wagner: at wife's nagging, went to Walmart for new Confederate flag to replace threadbare one flying over the family horseshoe pit. It was "about time" hissed the Missus through her two front teeth.

Touch the Snake, Mr. Red Legs!

Photo courtesy (?) of this major league jerk.

Let's go. Mets.

Opening Day Just Another Gauging Opportunity for $terling

Oliver Perez has his normal effect on fan morale.

Ah the Mets are back. In case you're worried you won't recognize the team, the Sunday matinee against the Sawx will comfort you that all the awesome qualities are still there. I decided to break out the exploding head early, risking that I might be going there quite often this year. It was only an exhibition, but Mets Baseball is back baby. Oliver Perez giving up an error-aided 6 spot and not getting through an inning of work (they really should pay him by the inning). David Wright and his second baseman's arm unable to complete another makable double play. Offense impotent with RISP. This struck me particularly as I watched Wright and his lame check swing get punched out after Murphy gallantly getting to third in the 5th. Jose Reyes popping up on first pitches. Luis Castillo looking at times like he could already could use a spate of road games. The new field has apparently forced SNY and their sister channel you use such a wide angle that you can barely make out to which team the player in the outfield is on. The camera angle (and player performance) made it difficult to tell the scrubs like Malo from the roster spots like Cora. Well, I could tell that it was Marlon Anderson kneeing a catchable fly ball, and booting it to the wall. But its apparently cavernous confines are enough to fill me with dread when I think of the defensive liabilities that will be seeing regular time out there. I saw Mets farmhand scrub Dillon Gee for the first time, and I don't think anyone can blame me for instantly preferring the way he unravels (and at a great price) to Perez's method, if only for the punning possibilities.

In the 7th, Keith Hernandez mentioned on air that he once went to Jamaica with Fran Healy. That would make a pretty good movie, novel, television program, etc.

I don't know what happened in the bottom of the 9th because the MLB dopes cut away from the game.

The morning's papers help answer the question, what happens when the unbearable force meets unbalanced object? Wally Matthews, who hates the Mets but makes more sense everyday, checks in with some ruminations as to the length of Sheffield's tenure, noting that the Mets seem to favor cheap washed up malcontents when given the choice between an impact potential malcontent. I don't know if Wally visits the locker room, but if he runs into Sheffield there, the beatdown might finally end Matthew's reign of terror.

***
It looks like the Mets got Bud Selig's memo directing all teams who feel like it to invent new and more mysterious ways to gauge fans. Remind any one else of the way the American financial system was (is) run?

First, the MLB teams up with legitimized scalpers at Stubhub. Now no one but scalpers seems to be able to get tickets at face value, and the MLB gets a nice kickback. There has been a lot of outcry over this, (though probably not enough) and I won't add to the din. It's complicated, but I'm pretty sure its the fans that are the targets to be fucked over here. And it won't stop til the empty seats take over.

Now the Mets are apparently trying to trick the slower gazelles among us into bidding on premium seats that they can't move in the first place. Matthew Artus is having none of it, correctly as I see it, calling the shMets out for this low down scheme. One of the things I like to do during a great depression is watch how slowly companies move away from shameful behavior as customers get less willing to tolerate it. It can even become a moral issue if people get pissed enough. The only thing it seems that can make companies do the right thing or pretend to act morally is an economic downturn. Or so I thought. Airlines are fucking us left and right with baggage fees (I'm looking at you Continental, you fucks). Car makers are the only one's we have over a barrel, and as sad as it is to jeopardize honest blue color jobs, those car making fuckers obviously brought it upon themselves with arrogant shitty management. Yet they still find the money to make these pathetic "buy a car and lose your job and we'll take the car back or something" scheme commercials. I truly hope no one is that dumb. Meanwhile, our own Sterling Inc., screwed by the Madoff scheme, are trying to recoup some of that dough by exploiting us.




















Are the Mets attempting a Fonzie Scheme?

***

Speaking of my favorite bugaboos, I took MLB up on their offer for free pre-season game and tried out their "new improved" internet broadcast of yesterday's Mets-Sawx encounter. I have a brand new kickin' Mac and high speed cable by the way. The picture was still grainy (didn't bother installing the HD software). But maybe it wasn't half bad and I even considered signing up despite my self, probably seduced by the dulcet tones of Gary, Keith and Ron.

So I came so close to giving the MLB my credit digits, then the baseball gods intervened and saved me from a big mistake when the Friday game crapped out around the 8th inning after the rain out and, on Saturday, the MLB geniuses decided to go with canned content instead of live game action. Yes, MLB.TV and the MLB network both cut away from game in the 9th inning (with Mets "threatening") to give us instead a documentary featuring need-to-know information about BJ Upton!! The game might be meaningless, but if a fan tunes in to the game, they want to see the fucking game. MLB handles their new expanded broadcasting duties like they handled the use of performance enhancing drugs.

So, uh, the internet product is still fatally flawed. Video would stall with audio not so far behind. Some things never change. It seems to me they can tweak MLB.TV til the Royals win the pennant, but its always going to be susceptible to network hick ups and software. And you will still always be 3-15 minutes behind reality. So, after trying MLB.tv for the first time since 2007, I can legitimately restate my thesis:
MLB.TV SUCKS!

***

During the rain delay on Friday, I did get to watch Omar wriggle and squirm after he announced he signed aged-clubhouse cancer and DH Sheffield to come and cripple the brand new clubhouse at Citi Field with his bizarre brand of sullen swatting. Omar seems to know the NL does not have the DH rule, so I dunno. The bottom line is, it probably affects Marlon Anderson and Ryan Church the most, neither of who's morale seems very important to me for this team to succeed. Watching Murphy misplay that fly ball has to get everyone worried, since Citi Field's outfield seemed like Flushing National Park this weekend.