Mets Mathematically Alive After Mauling at Marauders' Hands

The Mets came prepared to do battle with the team that gave Oliver Perez away to them just a couple of years ago. Having narrowly escaped a loss the night before to the third division Buccaneers of Baseball, the Mets certainly intended to show their true colors today. Instead they walked the plank and ended up in front of Davey Jones' Locker, explaining another piss poor performance to the media sharks who smell blood in the water. The game was delayed when a water main broke and the Mets decided that Shea Stadium was inoperable with diminished water pressure, read: the rats would have no means of transportation. But surprise surprise, when local workmen were done soaking the neighborhood with water on account of a broken main (not to be confused with the Mets current #2 hurler since Spring training), the Mets commenced drenching the diamond with sewage--their miserable play.

Ollie P, the mercurial lefty with more stuff than smarts, did not repay the kindness of those who defend him and dream that the Mets will resign him at a premium this off-season. Playing against the team that gave up on him, and pitching after a night where the Mets used everyone in the pen outside of Matt Franco, Derek Bell, Desi Relaford and Todd Zeile, OP could not get it done. What does this tell you about his mental makeup? In what is at least the understatement of the week, Perez offered "Sometimes I have trouble making strikes." Jose "It was too late for me to get there" Reyes was no help to Perez because Jose is busy spending his free time away from being Professor Reyes resisting getting his head in the game. He makes it look easy. Defensively, Pagan has not inspired my worship in the field, and when Angel spreads his clumsy wings in the outfield I can almost hear Endy Chavez groan. Pitchingwise, I imagine Sosa is packing his bags right now for a little trip to the farm, so let's give him some time and not talk about him.

Baseball Prospectus 2008 went to press before the Mets acquired Johan Santana, but the dire predictions they had for this elderly, unmotivated crowd seem closer to the truth than I'd care to admit: "They won't blow another late-season lead, because they won't have another late-season lead."

Hopefully, this game won't come to symbolize the season: the Mets want to shower this performance off, but there's no water pressure.

Senseless Debate: "Calling a Good Game," Measurement, and other Nonsense

"No baseball pitcher would be worth a darn without a catcher who could handle the hot fastball."
Casey Stengel


Let us instead praise Brian Schneider's wife choosing.

A post on Metsblog this morning raises an interesting issue. Noting that both the Mets' record and pitching staff ERA are better during the 15 games that currently un-opposable digitized catcher Brian Schneider was behind the dish, the poster attributes this to "The Schnieder Effect." It has long been my positon that saying a catcher calls a good game is much like saying a potential suitor has a nice personality. Meaningless wind-baggery meant to distract from honest evaluation.

As I wrote on Metsblog, I often find the use of statistics among baseball fans to be dismaying, just as they are in the rest of learned society:

"I don't disagree that in 3 months this posting might be right on the money in terms of Schneid’s relationship with the pitching staff, and despite my undying opposition to the LM trade, I am happy to see the parts acquired making the kind of grinder everyday contributions Omar hoped they would. However, and this is not meant to be a direct criticism of the poster, the thing that always gets me is that a lot of stat head baseball fans literally don’t know the first thing about statistics and how you can use them to make strong claims.

Without even considering controlling for the myriad of variables in this ridiculously small sample, you cannot say that Schnieds was responsible for the drop in ERA through the mystical, impossible to operationalize the variable “game calling.” Period. Of course, we’re all free to speculate and that's truckloads of fun. As for his solid defense, during the period you are looking at, those 15 games, I don’t think Schneid’s best defensive foot was even put forward so to speak–I ‘d bet there were more passed balls than catcher throw outs at second."

[Editor's note: Yes, I am so lazy and arrogant that I would quote myself off of someone else's blog.]

But just for fun, how would you go about operationalizing "game calling"? I always think about Crash Davis, I think his name was, telling the hitter what was coming. That would be "calling a bad game." We got into this realm a lot in the Mike Piazza era, when someone would try to burnish Mikey's pitiful defensive skills by shouting, "but he calls a great game" which for me was like shouting "fire" in a theater. I would then run around with my head cut off.

Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.


Crash Davis: not a good game caller.

To try to isolate the variable of "game calling" it seems to me first you'd have to establish:
That the catcher is calling pitches (not relayed from bench), controls for weather, sunspots, all those factors associated with pitcher (ability, weak-mindedness, etc.). You just don't have any baseline since, as Casey Stengle would understand, there is always a catcher behind the plate. There is no practical way to quantitatively distinguish between good and bad game calling.

Then you'd have to figure a way to measure pitch calling quality. Maybe you'd look at:
number of pitcher shake-offs
catcher trips to mound
catcher set up for wrong location
whether pitcher is surnamed "Mota"

If any of this was possible, and I submit that it is not, it would be interesting to then see how quality of "calling" varies by catcher's native language, age, experience, offensive output, size of his fingers, etc.

I'd love to hear from statistically inclined fans, and other outraged readers as to how they'd approach this.

"You have to have a catcher because if you don't you're likely to have a lot of passed balls. "
Casey Stengel

Top 10 Things Moises Alou May Also Possibly Be Diagnosed With

what has Moises caught?


Reports are surfacing that Moises Alou has been diagnosed with a possible fracture in his left ankle, perhaps incurred as he shifted positions in a medical hottub. In addition, doctors suggested the sometime Mets left fielder may be suffering from:

10. the sillies
9. lobster tail syndrome
8. the Andromeda Strain
7. Pagan-envy
6. cabin boy fever
5. malarkia
4. hobo-nucleosis
3. Silas Marner
2. high gas prices
1. urinary digit decay



This photo may no longer be posted on the Minaya family fridge. The 18 symbolizes the number of innings the Mets hoped to get out of Alou this year.


***
Old News Dept.

This is a can't miss article that gets to the bottom of Pelfrey's ridiculous mouthguard habit.

It's Not Curtains for Delgado (yet)

It took a pretty big bus, but pundits and web-types had succeeded in relocating Mr Delgado pretty much under that metaphorical mass transit vehicle. Delgado, who never really wanted to be in NY in the first place, has to have been feeling it lately, what with hitting like a candy striper and fielding like a elderly gardener.


Today Carlost came back with a vengeance and a couple of HRs, and getting all Beltrany, he didn't feel like celebrating with the ingrates in the peanut gallery. I, of course, have stood by Carlos with the same integrity that he refuses to stand for the national anthem.

If you thought the Mets would hold their own against SATAN today, well, you're a liar. Nelson Figueroa besting John Sm*ltz= "that's why they play the games."

But oh what a Sunday it turned out to be. Beating the Br*ves to take the series and knock the little bastards back below .500. Keeping paace with the Philmes. Preventing Cox from smoking a stogie the old fashioned way. There was no fresh Heil from the Mets fire starting corps. Why, I swear I even saw Jose Reyes on base!The Mets have gotten Figgy with that 5th (or 4th) spot in the rotation, and there is no more heartwarming story than the Metsfan done good. He only lasted 5.1 and gave up 7 hits so it wasn't his sharpest outing, but I'm comfortable with him at the end of the rotation. And I'm sure Nelson can count on fan support up until the moment he fails and is sent packing. Game set match for the Mets.

***
OH MY GOD IT TURNS OUT ROGER CLEMENS IS A DOUCHE BAG?!!!

Well that's the take away from this breaking story I'm sure we'll get to sink some time into this week. Here's a sentence to get the ball rolling.

Roger Clemens' lawyer Rusty Hardin, speaking for Clemens, denied that his client's long-term relationship with country singer Mindy McCready involved sex.

Mindy is buddies with Dean Cain, Rosie O'Donnel, and all sorts of other strangeness. By the way, in case you forget that many Yankees fans are douchebags, check out Mets by the Numbers pithy reminder.


***
It turns out, the only Met that got the best of anyone in Chicago last week was mild mannered Joe Smith, shown below (link swiped from Can't Stop the Bleeding). It's nice to see Billy Wagner's influence on the Mets youngsters. [note Scott Schoenweis walking away, perhaps because he thinks Smith is addressing him]

Maestro Santana Conducts Nationals Anthem*

Mystery of baseball: why did the Gnats take their emblem from jeans?


Other than the Great Santana, I don't want to say that the Mets earned this victory because the Nats interior defense (reminiscent of the US interior defense) did so much to give it away starting I think with Zimmerman's errant throw (he and Wright have this in common) off of Church's cue ball shot. First, the baseball gods must have been confused by all the Mets wearing Washington's Wrangler jeans insignia, because the ball bounced the mets way. Second, Zimmerman should know you don't pick up a pool ball and throw it.

The Mets' offense barely got the ball off the infield grass, but we'll take the win. Highlights include Angel Pagan snapping on the basepaths and continuing on to third once he took second. The Mets are finally getting the running game going. And Johan Santana's 7 innings of pitching and slugging are a nice change. We won't mention anything about Santana's batting average (higher than Delgado and tied with Beltran) because that would be tasteless. Dirty Sanchez made it through and inning with his 0.00 ERA magically still intact, and Billy Goat did not implode upon being asked to pitch in a non-save situation.

One misguided column this morning assumes the conceit of an open letter, asking Jose Reyes whether he'd prefer modelling his career after (the equally loathsome) Jeter or Rey Ordonez. I want to be clear, this column is only misguided in its worship of the overrated Spankees shortstop who had everything handed to him and never once had to struggle as his championship rings were purchased on credit. If Reyes became Jeter, I'd move to wherever it is the Royals practice their craft and root for the ghost of George Brett. Walls is, regretably, dead on in his assessment of Reyes. He is even persuasive in laying the Mets Malaise at Reyes' fancy feet:

Through 19 games last year, you were hitting .329. Your on-base percentage, all important for a leadoff hitter, was .421. You had scored 21 runs, drawn 13 walks, stolen 12 bases in 14 attempts. The Mets' record at the time was 13-6, and that was not coincidence. It was cause and effect.

This year, you are hitting only .280. You have drawn a mere four walks, stolen only three bases in five tries, scored only 12 runs. Your OBP, .313, is worse than all but three other NL leadoff hitters. Even Rickie Weeks, batting .192 at the top of the Brewers' lineup, is getting on base more often than you.
As a result, the Mets are struggling, a mere game over .500 going into last night's game against the Nationals.

In large part, this is because you, Jose Reyes, are not doing your job, which is to create runs at the top of the batting order and prevent runs on the field. You can't do the first if your body isn't on base and you can't do the second if your head isn't in the game.

The other day in Chicago, your decision to throw home on what should have been an inning-ending double-play ball led directly to the grand slam that blew the game open.

Not doing job. Head not in the game. That could go for a lot of Mets, but if the shoe fits, Jose, wear it. What have we come to when Wallyboy is making sense?

Here's what my letter to Jose would look like if I wrote it during last night's game. Letters would of course, be cut from various magazines and pasted to scraps of paper I collected at the public library.
dear Jose,
FIRST PITCH SWINGING AFTER THE PITCHER WALKS THE TWO BATTERS AHEAD OF YOU WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE 8 AND 9 HITTERS AND ONE OF WHOM IS A PITCHER. WHat the F*&^(( are you thinking? Do you think? ARRRGGHHHH. Grinning son of a. Then when you come up again, to show you don't learn lessons, you swing at the very first offering. You may be tremendously talented, but you are a real dumb ass on the field.
Argghh. F**k.

***
Ahem, the subtext of Jolly Wally's latest is fascinating:

But on too many days, we wonder if you will ever keep yours [live up to your promise]. I sincerely hope so. Over the past two seasons, the fortunes of the Mets have risen and fallen with you. Since 2006, they have gone from the presumed best team in the league to the official second-best team in the division. Likewise, you have gone from one of the best players in the game to no better than the third-best shortstop in your division.

I have to ask where this "I sincerely hope so" bit came from. Wallace Matthews expects us to believe that he hopes Reyes reaches his potential and by extension, the Mets win? Did the editor add this? Is it just posturing to make the "column" "work"? We all know Wall to Wall Mathews hopes only for dead babies, seal clubbings, chapped lips for those with cleft lips, and failure where the Mets are concerned.

***
It looks like Julie Donaldson and Amanda Cole got out just in time.
Jocelyn Peirce better watch her ass.

***
The evil legend of Mr Not Devastated grows.

***
Finally, an interesting argument.


*title provided by Cver's Bacon-Bits: "Give Your Salad that Meaty Taste"

Cubs Raid Mets like a Picnic Basket

Ted Lilly? I mean, come on.




The Cubs didn't just attack the basket full of sandwiches, grapes and cheese, they also took a big dump on the Mets picnic blanket, then chased the Mets all the way back to the big city. In the eighth inning of yesterday's horseshit horror show, Cubs manager Lou Pinella finally found someone Jorrible Sosa could retire: Jason Marquis, a pitcher. Unfortunately, Marquis did not stride up to the plate until Met Killer Ronny Cedeno had already put the game further out of reach (to be honest it was already out of reach) with a grand slam.

It sure was exciting to see a dynamic shortstop carrying his team to victory. Yes, that Ronny Cedeno is a keeper. Even celebrating like its 2006, Jose Reyes has seemingly forgotten how to field. And spark the lineup. But well fans love those clever handshakes, so I suppose it all evens out entertainment wise. Beltran does not look like a man on his way to a MVP run after an off year, his jovial guarantee notwithstanding. Delgado is looking like a sad shell of his former sad shell of a self; Dear diary: I'm impinged. It'll get sadder if Alou returns and does not bring his magic stick of yesteryear, since so many fans' hopes are riding on him. I hope these hopes don't turn out to be delusional.

This team right now looks like it still does not collectively know how to play baseball: Lack of fundamentals turning immediately into big runs.

Once again listening to the Cubs victory song, the kind of thing you'd imagine hearing in a Korean nail salon, one wonders if the Mets will be joining the class of the National League this season--the Cubs, the Brewers, etc. --if they can't beat them. The post-Rick Sutcliffe Cubs are the type of club I have a hard time begrudging sucess. Hell, I would trade them back for the Br*ves anytime. But don't they know this is the Mets' year? Don't Bereave the Hype, fellow Metsfans.

***
Runing out of time, Shea finally says, fuck you Bobby Cox.

Cubs Chew Up Mets at Wrigley

A helpful guide to Aaron Heilman

There are only a couple things that can result from an encounter with bears. Mauling is one of them, and the Mets could not find a tree to climb up last night, in fact they went with the "stay perfectly still" theory, and did absolutely nothing against Cubs pitching. This time the Cubs did the clubbing. Carlos Zambrano didn't give the Mets much hope and Errant Hellman and Jorrible So-so earned their nicknames tonight, the latter two being unable to contain the awesome might of Ronnie Cedeno or the fearsome skill of Felix Pie (.143). If you can't get those guys out, well. Last year it was Willie-proof the bullpen, this year it's Bullpen proofing the Willie--you can't blame Willie for asking Heilman to be able to do his job. However, Willie will no doubt be the last one to get sick of the Heilman show and keep trotting (like a goat) out there in important situations.

Their pasting of the Mets has some Cubs thinking about the World Series, and maybe they should be.

The Cubs are only paying this Fukadome fella $7 million?

This team isn't bad, but this ain't 2005 or 2006. Folks are bound to be disappointed with the performance of the Santanized Mets, seeing as how right now they assuredly are not the class of the National League. The Mets aren't "my kid lives in my basement and works at a take out restaurant" disappointing as they were in Willie's early days, they're now in "I put my kid through Harvard and he's still out dealing drugs" territory. Willie is going to have some difficult questions to answer.

Steve Phillips over on ESPN, who was to GMing what Joe Morgan is to broadcasting, must have loved this game. No Met fan will ever know what he said since we all switched over to SNY or muted the tv before skillsets could make his first asinine comment. With dopes like these, ESPN fits clowns in a broadcast booth like they were phone booths.

Ah well, "Figueroa , bring a mitt, and hope for a split"!

***
Hate Update: The Andruw Jwunes suckfest continues, and is now drawing national attention.

Early Season Phillie Foiling Continues

It sure is fun to beat up on the team to beat early in the season, while the Phoolies are lacking Rollins and early-season Ryan Howard looks more like late-career Mo Vaughn. According to the ESPN wrap up, the powdery corpse of Phillies manager Charlie Manuel said, "We need to start hitting." Sure Manuel-Zombie, go ahead, just as soon as the Metsies skip town. Well, it is early and Howard ain't gonna hit .182 for the whole year, but Chase Utley will always be a sissy boy.

As for the Mets, the starters are lasting and winning. The table setters are setting and stealing. Even the perennial pen poopers are having their moments, though it is disconcerting to hear that Willie Randolph said "Heilman did a great job...I have complete confidence in him." Ugh. If you trust Poopeyface Parkingplace in a big spot, you'd probably buy a Ford from Derek Jeter.

Offensively, the Mets are starting to click and they have now won 8 of their last 10. I was and am a skeptic of the Milledge trade, but even I would not support the separation of Church and plate right now. He is just cooking in the two hole, whereas Willie's real number two, Luis Castillo flounders around in the eight position fouling off pitches and such. With 1 hit in his last 21 ABs, Carlos Delgado is looking Carlost again, unfortunately.

According to ESPN:

A brawl in the stands down the right-field line briefly held up the game with two outs in the ninth. One fan wearing a Mets jersey was led away in handcuffs.

I really don't know what happened in this situation. But in my experience, the home team fan always has an advantage when it comes to removal or possible legal action as a result of fan on fan violence. It's not scientific, but it always seems to me that no matter who started it, they always drag the opposition fan out or remove them. At Dodgers Stadium, let me tell you, it is rarely the visiting fan that caused the problem. Have you ever seen a visiting fan take on the whole stadium, or throw stuff at a family of four wearing the colors of the home squad--the numbers involved make it not very likely. This seems to be a systematic bias that must be unconstitutional. Who decides who is at fault in one of these things? The security? Have you seen these dopes? How many jobs could you not get if you are working the ballpark security detail? And what judge would find for the universally derided Phillie fan when evil mayhem is involved? Unlike David Wright, I am not for monkey business in the stands, not one iota. Outside of a Jets game, I don' t think the law of the jungle should extend to the stands.

But I digress. The Mets are now 4-1 against the Philmes so far, and it looks like Big Pelf is going to get the chance to earn his keep tomorrow as the Mets try to send the message that they are over the September to Dismember, and the Phils no longer have their number. At least as long as Rollins is out and Howard is cold.

Mets Sweep Gnats in "Stumble-Off Win"

Ham-Hanrahan-ed Gnats Hand Mets a Sweep in 14

Marty "Pants" Noble summed up the events by which Joel Hanrahan delivered Metsie victory with his usual but appropriate sarcasm:

He allowed a single, wild-pitched the runner to second, directed him to third with an errant pickoff throw and then threw a second wild pitch that allowed the third run to score. Who did what for the Mets was almost incidental. On this night, the Nationals could have lost to anyone.

[Philosophical Editor's Note: But could they have lost to...the Nationals?]

Even with the benefit of living in a superior west coast time zone, yesterday's game was still quite a nuisance. It was a long frustrating nothing fest, nestled between the highs of a solid start by fan favorite Nelson Figueroa and the lows of switching maniacally between 30 Rock and the game, and only seeing Easley's shuffle home on a replay just as the broadcast ended and the SNY fanfare blared. For most of the extra innings, I was as restless as Keith Hernandez when he forgets his fur at home during a long game. And on the occasion of Willie Randolph's 500th managed game, it was as though the teams were trying to simulate 500 games in one night.

The game featured abismal situational hitting, a popped up bunt attempt, enough LOBs to choke a horse, and on the ex-Mets score, some shoddy outfield footwork and ultimately pathetic showboating by Thrilledge (to go along with 3 strikeouts and a 1-6 performance, 3-12 series). Hopefully the Mets will get better at that "execution" thing when it comes time to face a better opponent. And I should add to be fair, I guess the Mets pen performed well.

So the Mets are now a respectable 8-6, just a mere .5 games behind the 1st place seat-warming Fish, and they can thank the Gnats for singlehandedly setting their season back on track. Now they have to take advantage of Jimmy Rollins absence (always with another excuse not to face the Mets; is he a-scared?) to win this series with the Phoolies.

Over .500 Reasons for Mets Win*

The Real Reyes Shows Up

I tuned in a bit late yesterday, only to think I'd turned on the TV and gone back to 2006 and the early part of 2007. Who was that goofy clown, getting on base and scoring runs? He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. Today's big story is that Carlos Beltran told Reyes to return to the antics that, though they were entirely inappropriate for a team tanking a promising season, seem to be at the heart of Reyes as a player. So, whatever. Apparently Jose's offense is linked to his ridiculous handshake rituals. But there are some other "reasons" the Mets are looking better. Joe Smith has returned, at least for now, to the success of his early days too. Willie stuck Church in the two hole and dropped The Gimp to eighth in the lineup, a move which is said to have some effect. And as Matthew Cerrone rightly points out, the veteran Mets are falling all over themselves to provide quiet leadership. Though John Maine did not look or feel "100 percent" it was nice to see a little emotion when he got angry at himself when hooked by Willie in the seventh. The sweep is in order. Let the good times roll!

In other news, Limatime is on the run again. It seems he will be leaving the DMZ of Korea (De-Mammarized Zone).

*title and other promotional considerations provided by Cver's Sky Diving for Kids and Animal Rescue Clinic , located at 53 Main St., Pootananny, South Carolina.

Odds and Ends: What-have-you-done-for-me-lately

Top Nationals decision-makers discuss the signing of Paul LoDuca earlier this year.

So here I am watching the live feed of the Mets unveiling of the Robinson Rotunda at the new Citifield. The Mets are celebrating Jackie Robinson Day by having the media toss softball questions at Mrs. Robinson and the Mets brass. The Mets are clearly doing the right thing with their continued symbolic and financial support of Robinson's legacy. But I'm still waiting for the explanation of how the legacy of the talented trailblazer and champion of social opportunity informs and inspires the Mets craven plan to reduce seating from Shea to Citi by 10,000, making it nearly impossible for any non-rich fan to enjoy the Mets in person in any regular capacity.

***
Tonight, Big Pelf can hopefully build on his inefficient but decent outing last Wednesday against the Phillies. Viewed through a Church and Schneider vs. Lastings and Red Ass lens, I think the later have more to prove, so I am hoping Pelf really brings his A game. LoDuca is not bitter at all, but still. Let's face it, the Mets need a series win here to get them headed in a better direction.

***
David Wright, appearing on the Late Show (after some windbag actor told some meandering, self-indulgent "stories" that even other pompous thespians probably don't give a damn about), showed that he can clearly hit elderly talk show host pitching. Letterman's attempts to move Wright off the plate by coming inside and plunking the clean cut third baseman were unsuccessful. The producers of the Letterman show, notably, did not plan an exhibition where Wright fielded and threw to Letterman at first. During the interview, Wright addressed the team's current malaise, his throwing yips, and noted his penchant for enjoying crowd violence during the games, even during a momentous collapse such as the one we saw last season.

***
No big surprise here, but the Mets announced Pedro's return will be more of a May/June thing. Which to me means count on July. The worst April Fool's joke played on the Mets in recent memory, Pedro's injury can now move safely into the realm of "the best trade the Mets don't have to make at mid-season" speculation/rationalization.

***
For some timely reviews of the evil broadcast schemes of "Bud Selig and his new media henchmen" that are more measured than you'll find in this space, check out Umpbump.com's review of Mlb.tv where you can read of all the innovations MLB is using the money they save on customer service for, and TheBizofBaseball.com for a discussion of how "every game is available" is a big fat lie when it comes to so-called "Extra Innings" cable and dish packages and blackout madness. The later article quotes Selig, sounding as out of touch as an 80's Republican president when confronted with a bar scanner at the supermarket:

"I hear more about people who can't get the game," Selig said, "and, yes, I've already told our people we have to do something about it."

Fans can be forgiven for suspecting that what Selig told his people was "keep up the good work." Unfortunately, these posts don't spend a lot of time on my gripe, that MLB sold Faux Networks the good stuff so out of market Saturday's for Metsfans around the country are baseball-less misery. In any event, there is plenty there making baseball fans around the country burn with anger, while Selig fiddles.

***
Joe Torre comments on Andruwu Jwunes suckiness.

Mets Doubled Up in Pain in De-Mota-vating Series Loss to Sudsie Sluggers

Is the Mets cup half empty or half full?

This weekend, the Mets were thoroughly bested by the Milwaukee Brewers, a team that runs sausage races before games and occasionally supplies ballpark rectal exams. If only the Kaz Matsui case was caught in time, but I digress. Not even Guilerma Mota could save the Mets today.


Allow me to paint you a word picture. It's Sunday. Taxes are due, but you can't understand a goddamned word about how to deduct for your IRA if your wife is covered by a retirement plan. You'd like nothing better that to punch a passing accountant if the chance presents itself. The world is going to hell. The Mets have squandered a lead of 6-2 after $cot Bora$ client and future pain in the ass OP has said lead pounded out of him by the Beer Bellies. By now its clear to Mets fans that today we got Ollie's Folly not Oliver's Army. Enter former Met Guillermo Mota, and as always, enter hope for whomever opposes him. It's the eighth and Mota struggles with the responsibilities of a 9-7 Brewers lead, tossing up and away balls with stubborn insistence, as only a de-juiced Mota can. Then, with runners at second and third with nobody out, Luis Castillo hits a grounder to Prince Fielder. I'm not sure where Brady Clark was running when Fielder stopped munching on his feed bag long enough to step on first base and throw home in time to double up Clark, but if Brady was running in the general direction of the minors, perhaps he should continue to follow his instincts until he is in his rightful AAA place. Stunned with this turn of events, Mota persevered and continued to walk Mets, trying to give his old buddies a chance back into the game. But noble Carlos Delgado would have none of that, and proceeded to pop up ball three, something they tell you never to do with the bases loaded. Mota pumped his fist, clearly dejected.

Other than that, the Mets were clearly not good enough on this day to best Jeff "What's for" Suppan, Brian "Sburnin' Sdown the" Shouse" or the "Roid Crew" of Mota and Gagne. Nor could they contain the mighty offensive styings of such players as Corey"I wear my sunglasses at night" Hart, or Gabe "I believe you have my "Kapler. The Brewers may very well be for real. A side note: the clubhouse barber has his hands full with Eric Gagne and Derrick "Squeal Like a Pig" Turnbow in the same bullpen. I mean, take a shower fellas!


Also, the magic 8 ball is not a recognized method for deciding close calls at first, Ed Montague.

This game was so dispiriting that I can't even process news of Mr Not-Devastated straining his hammy, or T.J Simers' reports that Andruw "Tubbo" Jwuones is indeed a chubby waste of space.


Time for a grueling off-day, and then hopefully a better showing against the highly motivated Nationals, led by Ct. Red Ass and the Thrilledge.


things are bad at Shea now, but at least fans don't have to put up with disembodied heads floating around.

Mets, Santana Sheets the Bed

...But Hey It Wasn't the Pen's Fault



It was not a good day for the Mets golden boys. Bud Selig's Bashers clobbered Johan Santana and it was not pleasant. Even with 2 rbis, Wright was so wrong. When handing the team to Santana and Wright doesn't pan out, I'm not sure what else the Wilpons could do, aside from move the fences back a bit. That might actually help, since the Mets don't seem to have anyone who can reach them anyway.

So what did I not see on Fux Network or through my pricey so-called "ExtraInnings" cable package? Collosal failures with RISPs (for instance, Wright's failure in the 2nd with bases loaded). Untimely defensive lapses. Brewer batting practice. For one day at least, it seems that nothing has changed from last year. And shitty play and disspiriting losses mean shitty media coverage and disspiriting questions.

Santana on the boos he heard for his performance from the Shea faithless:
"If they boo, that's fine," Santana said. "That's a history they got from not being so good, I guess."

I'm not endorsing the boos, but well. Guess what, buddy, this is your problem now too. The boos didn't issue forth from history, they were about your inability to keep the ball in the park and the crappy defense you and your teammates put on display today. The boos were probably uncalled for, but they were not about Choo Choo Coleman or the Magna Carta.

Mets fans are demanding. They are expecting. And no one wants to listen to the $tar disassociate himself from the quality of the product. The early booing is unreasonable, but the demands are there, and they are reasonable. Having an off day is going to happen. This ain't the Art Howe battlers. These short sentences illustrate the extent to which I am at a loss to explain the mediocrity I have seen thus far. Someone on this team needs to perform up to their billing or it's gonna be a long year. Already, the brittle and punchless Mets look less like a team constructed to win now than a team constructed to win in 1999. Speaking of those great late '90s early 2000s players, the Mets are wasting some serious Carlos Delgado voodoo magic up in here.

Meanwhile, add Johan's velocity to Reyes' hamstrings, Pedro's everything, Delgado's impingement, Willie's brain, and Castillo's knees in the list of things to seriously worry about.

Gerry Hunsicker and Joe McIlvaine's Master Plan Finally Implemented, Mets top Brew Crew in Soupy Success

This is either Prince Fielder trying to eat the fog that descended on Shea last night, or Aaron Heilman making his way through a successful outing, I can't tell.

Ryan Jaroncyk, top pick in 1995 could not be there last night because his boss at JiffyLube in North Carolina made him work late as punishment for being late to work on account of his attendance at a Grant Roberts bong party. But Nelson Figueroa and Cassanova put on a show that almost distracts us from Reyes Hammy issues.

***
Meanwhile, while Johan Santana pitches against Ben Sheets, the MLB and Fux Network have teamed together to ensure no out of market fans have a prayer of seeing this game even when they purchase $160 so-called "Extra Innings" package. Thanks again Bud Selig, when I see you in hell, you better be running.

Willie's Bus Problem

Last night's semi-thrilling extra inning walk off victory over the Phillies may make this post seem untimely given the bipolar climate around the team with each win and loss. Ron Darling even called last night's win gutty or some other word meant to signify that a team has heart. But questions about Willie's tenure abound. Is his job in jeopardy with a slow start?

Michael Salfino's article, stunning in that it is on the SNY website, dissects the anti-Willie position. For me, Salfino makes two main points.

Willie cannot tear himself away from the script.
Willie's comments about players are ill-advised.

The first one is susceptible to a relativist rebuttal. Yes, he's a bad strategic manager, but what else is out there? And baseball geniuses don't always win titles. Managers of men do.

The second criticism is one I have long been making here and on the Deuce, and to my mind, is indisputable. The question is not whether Willie routinely throws his players under the bus. He certainly does. The only question is whether Willie's de-motivating verbiage is impacting the players. And maybe why the hell he says some of the things he says.

Here's some highlights from the past.

On naming a captain:

The Mets won’t name a captain, but Willie Randolph believes Tom Glavine would be elected by his teammates if a vote were held...As for a younger candidate, maybe David Wright or Jose Reyes, the manager added: “They’re kind of young for that.”

Randolph said this clubhouse doesn’t need a captain. Once someone is named, he added, others tend to defer rather than taking charge.

“I feel like right now I’m the leader, so to speak,” Randolph said.

[Ed. note: see how well this insight has panned out, so to speak]

On Anderson Hernandez and game 7 of 2006:

" … You can look back, and I don’t, and think about what you could have done, should have done. The bottom line is that thing played out the way we wanted to. As a matter of fact, even better, because we had our best hitter, a Cardinal killer, at the plate, one hit from the World Series. I wouldn’t change a thing. Who knows? I could have put Anderson Hernandez in there in front of 50,000 people – a 21-year-old kid – and he could have ---- his pants.

On the fans (2006):

"I don't think fans should vote because they don't really know," Randolph said. "They don't know talent, they don't know who can really play, they don't really know who deserves to be there."

The problems is that Willie is a competent at best and inept at worst field general. I'm not sure he can manage young players not that the Mets have too many of those. Because of this, he needs to maintain a high profile as a motivator to keep his job. He needs to manage diverse personalities and get the players to buy into the goals he sets. Whether he is doing this is now a highly controversial issue.

Salfino argues that his handling of Milledge was criminal and his effect on Reyes is an on-going issue. I don't necessarily agree with what he says below (I'm a Gary man), but Salfino makes a compelling case that Randolph needs to shift tactics.

If Randolph wants to find a reason for Reyes' poor second half, maybe he can look back to his very public benching for not running out a ground ball. You can make a reasonable case that triggered his slump. Just because Gary Cohen considers failing to run out grounders and popups high treason doesn't really make it a crime. There's not a player around who isn't guilty of this. Why selectively enforce it in such a public way?

Salfino quotes none-other-than Can-o-Corn-meister Fran Healy as saying as a player, Willie was real real quiet. I think we now know why Willie was so successful as a player. Keep your concerns private. I am not overly thrilled with Willie and may never be, but I am also a believer in consistency in the front office. In the sober light of day I wonder what chances the team would have of overcoming the in-season NY turmoil if Willie was dismissed before the winter.

***
Shea favorite "Scott Schoeneweis' Ballsy Quote of the Week"

This guy is becoming such a good quote that we need to start paying attention. In today's quotation, he references his own salary!!

"But I got it on Opening Day. I think I'm still their [Shea boobirds'] favorite. But I was getting outs tonight before New York fans. They probably were surprised. You know I'm making $4 million. There's a reason for that. I've gotten outs before."

Mets Get Much Needed Pelf Help

Art by IMFM
Basically, the Phils walked and booted this one to the Mets. Back up SS Bruntlett is probably being put in witness protection (from fans) as we speak. But as pappi always said, when they're running you out of town, get in front and make it look like a parade. In other words, we'll take it. The bad? The Mets were out hit by Philadelphia and left an astounding 21 men on base. The good? Mike got down with his bad Pelf, in a good way, and turned in a solid performance, though he still needs to learn something about the pitch economy. But with El Duque (Spanish for "setback"?) back deeper on the shelf, Pelf needs to chomp his way to some quality starts. Sosa and Muniz looked good, and Feliciano just looked. Damion "The Exorcist" Easley needs to get Scott Bora$' digits because he is flat out strapping this team to his back and carrying it to victory. Ok that's a bit of an overstatement. But Easley always looks so unaffected by whatever the team's current malaise happens to be, I can't help but like him. I guess it's not everyday you can say "hey, that pagan looks good in the two hole" and not draw raised eyebrows.


the secret of our sucess?
Amazingly, this series can still be taken. If the real Maine shows up tonight. The feeling that a Rollins-less Phillie team is a sitting duck is hard to ignore. Strategy: Hit it to Bruntlett.

Meanwhile in the SNY booth, things are getting strange. And by strange, I mean Keith's outfit last night. It screamed "I'm Keith Hernandez" as loud as can be imagined. Well, if I was the the best defensive first baseman in MLB history, who definitely belongs in the Hall, I'd probably go for the Joker look too if I damn well pleased. I'm too lazy to photoshop these together but you get the idea.


Keith in Seinfeld days.


Closest thing to jacket worn in SNY booth yesterday--->

Top 10 Reasons Feliciano Was Late to Opening Day

Ah well, I was going to do that list, but that would be tasteless even for me, particularly without knowing what "family issues" Pedro was dealing with in Puerto Rico. One was going to be "Rick Astley killed his brother," if you must know.


Whatever you do this morning, don't read this.

For the love of pete, don't look here.

You just don't wanna go here.

And don't look here to see Shownblow's reactions to crowd reactions to him sucking.

"I'm not upset by it," Schoeneweis said of the crowd's reaction. "I'm used to it. It's just commonplace..."I know what my effort level is. I know what I did before I came here, I know what I do away from here and I know what I do most of the time when I'm here. It would be really hard to find someone to put out as much effort, or try, or work as hard as I do. That's all I can keep doing."

What ever does he do while he's away from "here"?

***
Bill Buckner prayed a little, then decided to accept the Red Sawx invitation to throw out the first pitch on home-opener day to celebrate the Sawx championship. Along these lines, when oh when will the Mets be able to have Timo Perez throw out the first pitch?

Mets Disappoint Rick Astley, Fans, Everyone

Astley: "The Mets have sullied my good name."

When he was alive, Rick Astley got a lot of mileage out of the word "gonna." Such as in "Never gonna give you up" or "When is this team gonna play up to its talent level with heart and fire?"

According to the interwebs, in 2007 Rick Astley was "victim" of a viral Internet meme in which 13 million Internet users were tricked into watching the video for the song they are now playing at Shea, Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up, "a practice known as "Rickrolling." Well, in Shea yesterday 56,000 fans were tricked into viewing this sad sack of a team under the pretense that the team's solid rotation, experienced bullpen, stingy defense, and young hitting stars would gel, shrugging off the lousy luck of 2007 to start a chain of compensatory victory that will result in a trip to the 2008 world series. They assumed that the Mets would go out of their way not to defile Shea on its last opening day, before it is disassembled and seats sold at unethical prices to suckers just like you and me. This loss was so lackluster, even Rick Astley's name has been sullied.

Instead we fans got more of the same. Failure of the starter to keep his composure. Failure to lay down a timely sacrifice. Failure to not hit Chase Utley with a ball everytime he stepped on the field in an offensive capability. Failure to hit Utley hard enough when they did hit him. Failure to be a great defensive catcher as advertised. Failure to hammer weak old pitching. Failure to have a second baseman with usable knees. Failure to set the table. Failure to clean that table. Failure to come up with plausible apologies for Scott Schoeneweis' presence on the roster.

Three miserable losses in a row. Meaningful loses, in Wilpon parlance. It's not yet time to fire up the "Willie Watch," but one wonders if the team and this manager who seems to lack the ability to inspire them are meant to be "Together Forever."

Take this Rocky!

It's time to rewrite Rocky IV, and keep it real this time. Rocky was an aged and ridiculous chump, and he wasn't even a good boxer. The Mets need to do an Apollo Creed on the Phillies, perhaps avenging the evils perpetrated by Lando Calrisian.

And while the existence of a whole internet encyclopedia page devoted to Ivan Drago saddens me, this is no time to worry about western civilization.

LETSGOMETs




"Dear Phillies, You will lose."

Br*ve Old World

Smoltz Never Dies

Get the feeling that John Smoltz would rise up from a molten grave to choke the life out of the Mets, like a Turner-ator? Smoltz was his typical Satanic Majesty and the Br*ves ruined Johan Santana's Atlanta debut. Poopeyface emerged on cue to serve up his usual BPSGB (big pressure situation gopher ball) and the world was again much like we remember it before 2006. No one is conceding anything, but I sometimes still scan the Mets dugout for Art Howe involuntarily. And if it wasn't clear before, the Br*ves more often then not beat the Mets in Turner Crypt because their stars, Smoltz and Larry Jones, simply want it more than our stars do. You can see it in their oily baby eating grins as they congratulate each other in the dugout each time they finish dispatching the Mets. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

"It was a tough sky." So said (he's no) Angel (in the outfield) Pagan after he blew a catchable ball allowing Yunel Escobar's run-scoring double in the third-inning by playing too shallow and then stopping under something that did not turn out to be the baseball. Later, in the fourth, Pagan, David Wright and Jose Reyes couldn't bring themselves to call off each other on Jeff Francoeur's double. This following Carlost Delgado's base-running blunder in the fourth when he was doubled off first by center fielder Mark Kotsay.

Are the Mets already too bored to keep their heads in the game? Too bad the guys making these mental errors are vets, otherwise Willie could, like, say something to them. You see, I don't like mental errors, at least not in bunches. Not from guys who should be fired up to send a message to their main rivals, and who should be well-prepared to take some pitches from the Br*ves tough #1 and 2 pitchers, get into their pen, and do some damage. It's too early to call this complacency, but when the time comes I won't be shy. It gets late early around here and I'd like to see some fire and purpose.

As it was, the Br*ves did all the little things a team does when it is paying attention, including the game ending play where future Met Teixeira guarded the line, came up with a scorched probable game tie-er over the first base bag off the bat of Brian Schneider, flipped it to Atlanta closer Soriano who did not stare at butterflies or play with his perm, but instead got to the bag in plenty of time to record the final out.

I hate losing to the Br*ves on any day. But I really hate losing with our best pitcher on the mound, who despite a few kick saves and a display of lumber, was not able to record the W he so deserved. And all this with an off-day coming to wail and gnash my teeth through.

***
Matt (Me) Wise (Magic) went off for his MRI after developing a bruise on his forearm. Reminding me that Omar did little to improve what was, when it counted, a very shaky pen last year, other than give a guy named Register meal money for a few weeks.

***
A sole happy note: I saw the game in the lovely company of (neglected) LA area Metsfans, at a gathering expertly arranged by the internet's own Keyser. A pleasant time was had by all, other than the watching the actual game part.

Mets Beaten By a Boy Named Kelly

You had to know a grand slam was coming. You could look around, notice they were playing in Atlanta (if you had the privilege of watching). Or you could peer into the Mets dugout, and locate Willie Randolph's dopey face. The signs of doom were there. In what was undoubtedly meant to be a character building episode, Willie left Sosa in to face Kelly after Sosa loaded the bases up to their breaking point in the 7th. Sosa had much more success with the Atlanta grounds crew than he had with the bubbas with bats in their hands. And that was the game, not particularly surprising.

Here are my game notes:
John Maine was sunk.
Castillo and Wright, missing in action
I don't know how to manage a bullpen, but I am increasingly suspicious that neither does Willie.
This sucks.

Let's never speak of this again.

There is No Progress

"I said, you're a big douche!"

Here we go again. Southern California can not get the goddamn games. I subscribed to the pricey MLB Extra Innings, and once again, they sold their goods twice. Once to fans, and once to Fux Network. It will be only luck if I get a single Saturday game in April. How is it that I am still paying to see all these games, except for when Fux decides to keep them all to themselves? If you bought a car, and some random guy kept taking it for a spin, wouldn't you be pissed?

Fux Network apparently has the rights to all Saturday games for all times, even if they don't bother showing them. I imagine Joe Buck is sitting in his lair enjoying them all as he hangs from the ceiling munching on ants and spiders. The Simpsons just doesn't make up for all the evil perpetrated on the world by Fux Network.

So I once again call bullshit on MLB. MLB, Baseball wants to be free. Well at least free after $159 tacked on to your cable bill. Worse, Klan sponsored quasi-network TBS (Tounging Brother by Sister) has stopped broadcasting Br*ves games, so if there is a game today, I can't see it on my mutherfucking tv. Mother Nature has gotten into the act of torturing out of market fans this year, and I'll be lucky to see one game in 4 days. Each year since this great cable scam started, I see fewer and fewer games. Thinking MLB would do the right thing and negotiate with Fux to release the goddamn games they aren't broadcasting in certain regions would be wishful thinking at best, since MLB fans don't demand anything from MLB, content to bend over on command, and take it again and again.

Witness the MLBTV opening day fiasco, where countless fans could not get the games streamed properly. Here's how the MLB apologized to fans (Washington Post link courtesy of Cver):

"We run the most successful live programming site in the country. Our subscribers are well aware of our success and of the complicated and complex nature of providing three different streaming speeds of live events every day," he said. "Most of our subscribers ... are well aware that we have one day to get all the bugs worked out when the clubs get back to the ballpark."

In other words, "fuck you, we're the MLB." Well aware, my ass.

Sorry, that is just fucking inexcusable, like opening a restaurant but forgetting to take the dead rat off of the host stand. The MLB thinks you're fucking stupid, enticing you to buy "Mosiac" multiple game service, when they have yet to prove they can even get the single game service to work reliably. And so far, they're right, so strap on your helmet and board the short bus. Yet bloggers, increasingly part of the network machine, don't raise a peep. And fans sit around complacent because we know Bud Selig already has our money, and he doesn't give a rat's ass if we see the games.

For an example of fans' complicit attitudes, in that same article, some douche customer has this to say:

Jordan Shank, an auditor and premium-level subscriber for about two years, believes the potential for MLB.TV is tremendous. "The MLB.tv package seems like an absolute beast of a service," he said via e-mail. "So in terms of what the product could be, this has to be one of the most disappointing purchases I've ever made."

Shank advises MLB.com to listen to its customers. "Don't act like some Draconian corporation -- even though you are -- ignoring the pleas of a few dedicated users," he wrote. "Work with the fans and you can create the ultimate product. I'd probably pay $250 a year if the thing worked correctly."

Thanks a lot Jordan, if they didn't think of that already, in the future we'll appreciate your suggestion that MLB work out the kinks and then, by golly, CHARGE US EVEN MORE FOR SOMETHING THAT WORKS. Ass.

Off Day Rant: Major League Asshats

Finally Mike Piazza and I have something we agree on, and it isn't our methods of dealing with Roidger Clemens or our tastes in music, facial hair or politics. Dumbass Roland Flores, 23, will spend 30 days in jail after his assault on Oakland Athletics designated hitter Mike Piazza on July 25 at Angels stadium. Flores threw a water bottle at Piazza, who then stopped the game while he identified the asshole to security. Piazza vowed to press charges and now he has.

Now Piazza is being mocked and attacked by the numb nuts over at something they call AOL "sports" (AOL still exists!?). Of course there are complete morons out there who defend the right of punks like this to throw things at a ballgame and those who think jail time is too extreme a punishment for breaking the law and being a douche, but that's just par for the course in a country filled with idiots. You can't throw a water bottle around here and not hit a jackass.

Message to fuck faces who think throwing things at a baseball game, at other fans and players, is within their rights...YOU'VE GOT MAIL: If you're incapable of grasping the fundamental rule of living in society--"don't throw shit at other people"--then I guess sharing a cell and bunk with a guy who rapes children will give you time to practice your self-control. This clown wanted law of the jungle, now he's got it!!

Mets Fry Fish, Fans Survive Marlins Broadcast Team

Mounted, stuffed and hung on the Wilpon study wall.

Mets take the series 2-1. A sweep and not losing our #2 for a month of Sundays would have been nice, but a post-collapse Metsfan takes what they can get. And curses on MLB extra innings for carrying the Marlins' dopey announcers, who do for baseball broadcasts what, well, the Marlins do for baseball: rob it of any dignity or significance.

The Mets got all sorts of healthy against six dreadful pitchers. The Marlins should consider carrying 3-4 long-men this season. Or longshoremen. It really won't matter.

The chUmps robbed Buntran of a 2 run HR. Inconsequential it turns out, but not a good omen since they actually reversed themselves from the correct call, apparently on the theory that a baseball could bounce 30 feet up into the air off of a padded wall. First blown call of the year.

New guys Church and Pagan are endearing themselves to Mets fans, much like their namesakes have by handing out hosts and wine or providing cool rituals and a use for sheep. These two keep raking, and they'll start taking up real estate in our orange and blue hearts.

Why do fans grow to like certain players? Perhaps its their hustle, or the extra few autographs they sign before games when they don't have to. Could be how they come on the scene with a bang, or how they always do the little things later when no one is looking. Or maybe it's their huge, charming porn collections.

Exhibit A: NY Spanker Hideki Matsui as profiled in Time magazine (Courtesy, kind of, of FJM.):

Indeed, his only eccentricity, if it can be called that, is his extensive private library of adult videos. His refreshing ability to laugh self-deprecatingly about his porno collection, reporters say, is one reason why fans and even nonfans have taken to him so much. Says former reporter Isao Hirooka: "Hideki just wants to be like ordinary people."



***
Bring on the Klansmen!!

Mike Pelfrey Named Fifth Beatle

New York Mets pitching prospect and occasional April rotation member Mike Pelfrey was today named Fifth Beatle by the Mets. Upon the announcement, Pelfrey's managers and teammates rushed to lend him their support. Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "This fella can't pitch worth a damn, but man when he takes that mouth guard out and puts that mouth harp in, he makes sweet sweet music sooth my soul can I get a holla back?" GM Omar Minaya: "We knew when we drafted him, Pelfrey was something special, we just thought it would be his ability to perform consistently on the mound without tipping his pitches. Now we see it's his adeptness with layering tracks in the studio and his ability to lay down a steady rockin' back beat that really distinguish him." Approached while vandalizing Angel Pagan's locker, outspoken Met closer Billy Wagner issued the most definitive praise: "Whether or not Paul is dead, Big Pelf's got the stuff, but mentally he's got what it takes, too. The people that do the evaluating in baseball, they've never kept it in the pocket, or established a nice groove. They don't know what it takes. But he's got it. There's no doubt in my mind." Orlando Hernandez could not be reached for comment. Since the announcement was made while the Mets opened up the season in Florida, Miami media coverage was scant as journalists were distracted by the debut of The Manatees, the Marlins' dance troupe of plus-size men, as they jiggled their way into the hearts of fans. Assuming his position with the mop tops, Pelfrey will be unable to make his weekend start in Atlanta. To fill his slot in the rotation, the Mets recalled righthander Aaron Sele from A St. Lucie.


(Editor's note: I know, I tried much harder last year.)