Alex Rodrigez Can't Win

Could you learn to love this guy?

Before we get too far gone, I want to set the mood for the hotstove so this post is full of naval gazing. The themes below are going to get real, real relevant to the Mets off-season, if early reports that the Mets are considering mucking up their mojo to bring Rodriguez aboard. What's my opinion? Expect me to flip flop as much as Rudy Giuliani on this one. If Omar harms a hair on our Wright-Reyes baby, I'll be upset. Of course, it should be noted that Bora$ and Arod are not off to a great start. They burnt their bridges with the Spankjobs. Then they gracelessly mar the Red Sox victory celebration. I am half expecting to read an interview where Arod says something like, "You don't say, 'Don't let David Wright beat you.' He's never your concern." Will their arrogance deliver a comeuppance?

***

So far I am having only random scattered thoughts about this Arod stuff:

*is the Wright Reyes era over already? Sure we had some attitude problem yips last year, but...

*I'm no scientist, but chemistry seems to help teams win World Series.

*do I wanna watch this talented, class-deficient baby for the next 10 years?

*do baseball's (and the Mets) new economics provide such an environment that the Mets WON'T be hamstrung for years by this?

*can the Mets get the Texas Rangers throw in a couple bucks, just cuz?

*This would mean something bad for either Reyes/Wright or Delgado/Castillo.

*The team needs pitching.

* He did want to be a Met at one point, and he needs the marketing money.

* Can we somehow make fun of Steve Phillips more if we sign Arod?

***
In the New York Times sports supplementary magazine, Play, one of my favorite novelists,Richard Ford, laments what has become of American sports, it has increasingly become something that bears little relation to what happens on the field:

Much sportswriting (a job I used to have), much that’s on ESPN, lots that’s on Sporting News Radio and The Best Damn Sports whatever and in The New York Times ...is trying to sharpen the focus on a bunch of focusless stuff that not only doesn’t matter a toot, and could never be proven true or false and therefore isn’t really journalism, but that also doesn’t have anything to do with the game as it’s played. But under the lax operating rules of the 24-hour news cycle, with all those toothy ex-athletes, fresh from their elocution lessons, arriving for auditions, and all the sponsors with E.D. cures plumped for airtime, it becomes easy to substitute one story that doesn’t matter for something else that actually, in terms of the game as played, might: for instance, whether Isiah Thomas either did or didn’t use the “B” word being substituted for a story about Terry Francona’s questionable bullpen strategies in the dwindling days of this year’s Boston pennant drive. And when you start thinking of sports that way, as being about anything that fits — or just anything — instead of being about a game played on a field someplace, that’s when it’s easy to start thinking of other things less discriminantly: of sports as an arm of “the entertainment industry,” of the field or the court or the ice as a “stage,” of sports media as interactive theater, or Grand Guignol, or commedia dell’arte, of Tom Arnold and the supremely awful Dennis Miller as being interesting “sports personalities.”

The path ESPN has taken, leading the 24 hour sports news pack astray, grates on Ford too.

And I don’t buy the game-killing baloney from the sports media, who are forever telling me that I have a “right” to know all this garbage, and that this story just “won’t go away,” when in fact “they” won’t let it go away. Because I certainly never wanted to know any of it and never would, and would be a better human being for not knowing it, would like the game way more without it and could ascend blissfully upward to level three of my sports hierarchy, to that rarefied dimension where I ponder the game in its essences if they — the media — would just turn all this other stuff loose and just let the game be played.

Amen brother.

***

A-rod's opting out assured us of at least 3 months of media coverage involving Bora$ and company. To get prepare for hotstove, "avenging agent" style, check out Ben McGrath's profile of "The Extortionist" in the New Yorker. It looks like we Met fans will not be able to stay above the fray and avoid the indignity of considering Boras' ridiculous and obnoxiously stated demands. Omar could be perusing Arod's old 2000 binder right now, which compared Rodriguez to Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci, and raised the issue of how “handsome” and “charming” he is (will those last two be in the 2007 version?). Will Arod's “IPN,” which, according to Bora$ is short for Iconic magnetism, historic Performance, and Network value, come to mean something else? ("Itsmetsforme Perishes from Nervousbreakdown?")

But, hey Bora$ isn't all bad...

Another, perhaps worthier plan of his, for which he hopes to enlist the support of Bill Gates, is to start a foundation—the paperwork has already been filed—dedicated to doubling the salaries of teachers, through a voucher-based system laden with incentives that would piggyback on existing contracts, like a public-private partnership. He says he doesn’t wish to supplant the teachers’ union; he’d merely bypass it, as he has done with the Players Association and the baseball draft. “I just think a lot of great minds that have gone into the teaching profession are leaving,” he says.

***
Let's look at this some more, with the help of another NY Times feature, this one gauging the really really rich's reaction to Arod's pitiful demands. If Arod gets what he wants on the "open" market of the MLB, he will still be making a fraction of what many New York hedge fund managers and other moguls make (the top trader made $1.5 BILLION). So even if you yourself happen to be a hyper-wealthy asshole who thinks they are anything other than the contingent outcome of a seriously out of whack system, and are quite pleased with the way capitalism has shaped America, this has to give you pause. Or at least throw the coming Arod blitz into relief. You might say something like this: Arod and all other wealthy folks "have a right to seek what the market will bear."

[But maybe they shouldn't. Maybe the guy who makes $1.5 billion a year could stand the reduction in his incentive to create wealth if he made oh, $1 billion less a year. And maybe as a society we could find a way to channel that money into efforts to keep families from having to sleep in subways or McDonalds, or actually rebuild a city like New Orleans. At least we have to admit that there may be unintended consequences to tacitly endorsing ginormous income disparities: you can't pay a very few all the money and expect no consequences. Sooner or later, it'll effect your neighborhood. There is still a choice we face, though obscured by our desensitization at the hands of athletes and entertainers and the media fairy tales that sustain them, between Hummer gas money/ Lunch tab money and feed a family of four for a year money. Perhaps you'll be convinced if the cycle of massive remuneration ruins your favorite baseball team?]

***
Let's all watch the Daily Show friday night to see what the tea leaves are saying about a possible Met shake-up. I'll be watching David Wright's heavy eyebrows for signs of arching.

God to Rockies: Pray Harder Next Time!

Breaking news: Arod declares himself NOT a Yanker, which means that he will probably be skimping on tips for strippers for a few weeks til his financial situation is a bit more solid. Sorry ladies! I'm guessing that when Crazy George Steinbrenner finds out about this business, he'll be looking for a bus to throw Ca$hman under. And oh yeah, the Red Sox swept the World Series again.

One wonders how the Red Sawx, as one of the few teams out there that could actually afford to pay PayRod , feel about Bora$ and Arod announcing this development on the eve of their World Series clinching game. Ah well, if any of the Sawx higher-ups were watching on Fux Network where Ken Rosenthal announced it, maybe they didn't notice, since most of the broadcast was Joe Buck reading advertising copy as the camera lingered on one corporate sponsor or anothers logo. You almost need to wait for the commercial break to get away from the constant product pitches. Reason #45345321 Joe Buck and Fux Network are ruining baseball.

Anyhow, speaking of the apocalypse, unless Jason Varitek kicks the crap out of Arod again, the Boston Red Sox could decide to sign Arod and he could decide to pull a reverse Johnny Damon. Then look out. With a team like that the 2008 Red Sox become not the Yankers, but the Patriots. Seriously, why bother to even play the games?

Still, Slappy has as about as much chance of finding a new chump to pay him 30 mil for 10 years as we have of capturing Osama bin Sadaam or whatever his name was. This ought to be good! Will our heroes be drawn in to the scrum? No one not named Omar can say for sure but it seems unlikely.

By the way, will the Patriots vote the Raiders a playoff share for giving them Randy Moss for nothing? Do they even do that in football?

Remember when Carlos Delgado was magic?

Separation of Church and Plate and Other Ramblings

Ya like controversy? Have I got a posting for you.

Church and Plate

I should have been suspicious when I saw Trot "God is my physical therapist" Nixon out there shepherding rightfield for the cRockies. But a story in the NY Times confirms it, the World Series bound cRockies are lovin' them some Jesus. And the cRockies "Christian-based code of conduct" is making the news again. When they were just some chumps laboring in a high-altitude horror show, no one cared. But now that these chumps are taking the Mets' place in the World Series (hey my predictions of a 86 redux were half right), everyone is looking.

Let's take a closer look at internet chatter relevant to the Coors family. You can look this stuff up and try to verify it yourself. Then you can muse about whether you'd support this organization as a Christian, Pastafarian, or whatever persuasion you are.

"In 1984, Bill Coors fought against passage of the Civil Rights Act, telling an audience of black businessmen that blacks don't succeed because they "lack intellectual capacity." After encouraging them to go back to Africa, he said that one of the best things slave-drivers did to American blacks "was to drag your ancestors over here in chains" because blacks in America have greater opportunity than those in Africa."

According to one published expose, the Coors family "has personally bankrolled a number of America's most hateful reactionary groups. These include the Heritage and Free Congress Foundations (both founded by Pete Coors' father Joe); various KKK members; Laszlo Pasztor, a convicted Hungarian Nazi; and Roger Pearson, who was at one time the world's leading advocate of militant eugenics.

So Coors Field isn't just for "Nazi beer" anymore. The cRockies won't just be known for putting their balls in a humidor. And Colorado has more to offer than "school systems." That's right, now the good lord himself is director of player personnel for the Colorado club. According to the story, the 2004 nabbing of $51.2 million mistake Denny Neagle for soliciting a hooker helped prompt GM Dan O'Dowd to activate an already latent franchise culture, purportedly gathering a group of devout Christian ballplayers to fight for the purple and black. The rebirth is an organizational thang: CEO Charlie Monfort and Manager Clint Hurdle are just two of the important cRockies decision-makers who found the lord at the bottom of the bottle. Of course, no one told Kaz Matzui about this Christian influence, though I'm sure he'd grasp the Book of Job.

Call me a heretic, but these things I know for sure.

One. There is only one set of Gods that have relevance to the child's game we call baseball. They are known as the Baseball Gods, they work between the chalk lines, and they are strictly Old Testament types. You may not be interested in the Baseball Gods, but they are interested in you. End of story.

Two. Organized religion does not belong in baseball. There's just too much tobacco juice. It seems to me that any truly reverent fan would be offended and maybe disgusted by modern players hypocritical in-game religious gestures. Ever notice that players usually only thank God when they make an offensive contribution? Doesn't God have a hand in an excellent circus catch in the outfield? Why don't shortstops ever point upwards and give credit when they throw someone from the hole? Pointing upward after getting a hit is belittling the deities you supposedly want to honor. This doesn't piss me off so much as the hysterical jumping up and down celebration of a walk off victory against the Pirates in June, but it's up there. God doesn't give a shit if you just knocked in the game winning run, pal, he's got better things to do.

It says here I'm rooting for the Sawx. Not that the Sawx are any less God gesturing, but at least they are not running their organization by scripture. Not yet at least, because you know if the cRockies were to win the series somehow, every organization would at least think of copycatting their blueprint. Imagine the internet outrage if Omar trashed his oft-supposed Latin blueprint to go with the Lord's plan! Plus if Boston wins this year, the Mets won't feel bad at all when they dispatch them in next year's World Series. It'll be more like beating the Yankees than snatching dinner from the hungry mouths of Buckner nation. It'll be the morally right thing to do. Yeah. Go Sawx!!

***
Ya can't chew innings if ya got no teeth

Unbelievably, Toothless Tomahawk Chop Glavine is back our grill, this time because his agent leaked that he's "interested" in pitching for the House of Cards. Terrific. Here goes another round of actually considering this bozo for our 2008 Mets. I am feeling too fed up even to offer up a fight at this point. But, I think, does Batman get out of bed one morning and give up fighting hoodlums? Does GreenLantern just decide to sit out the war on evil-doers, and fix green lattes for himself while he gets pedicures? No, I submit, they do not. Heroes take on evil 7 days a week. And as your hero, I feel compelled.

Speaking of evil, some people are pining for Glavine's return. I can't imagine that knowledgeable folks are thinking this way but the logic seems to be this: well, maybe we were too harsh on ol' Tom on account of his ignominious role in the Mets disastrous crash and burn. With distance, we can see that he was actually pretty solid for the Mets (if by "solid" you mean well compensated and mediocre, I guess). And heck, how are the Mets going to replace the innings he "ate"?

To all you playing the "name someone who can replace Glavine" game. Name someone who can't! Yeah, it's true we shouldn't focus on a small handful of absolute disaster starts from Glavine, and...we don't need to! If you watch this guy over the "life" of his contract, you know he was and is an awful investment. He. Has. Nothing. Left.

If you really want to watch a pitcher get lit up, hang out with David Wells after a game at an IHOP or something.

And all this blather about how hard it is to "replace" such an innings eater; funny how the same fan base uses the opposite justification for keeping the other Elder around, Old Duque, who doesn't eat innings whatsoever. And at least he's fun to watch when he occasionally takes the mound during the regular season. Do you guys really think Glavines' contributions are irreplaceable? Using what logic? 200 innings? That's the job description of a starter, to pitch about 200 innings. And it's Omar's job to find someone to "replace" Toothless.

Further, if the Mets acquire anyone at all for the rotation, and even if they don't, there is no room for Toothless anyway! Petey, Maine, Ollie, Pelfrey, Old Duque, and perhaps Humber. Add the awesome, all-world starter Omar is sure to add any minute now, and where do put the soft-tossin' Br*ve? And would a playoff team guarantee a slot to someone who at this point is a glorified longman? I am cringing that we will have to play this off season game again with Glavine--I don't care where he goes. To quote that great statesman Morris Day, "he ain't got to go home, but he can't stay here." I actually find it hard to believe anyone that loves this team wants to see this toothless mercenary back with the team. It seems delusional to me.

Bunion Fun

There really is nothing to talk about this weekend. Aside from casual interest in tonight's Sawx-Tribe possibly deciding game, I got nothing or very little depending on your perspective. And I refuse to give in to the temptation to throw dirt on the Spankers grave.

The big news for the Mets this week is that Old Duque started his parade of off season surgery, and had that debilitating bunion surgically removed from his toe. The problem, not reported in the mainstream media, was that doctors were unable to locate El Duque, who tends disappears at all critical moments, in time to do the surgery on-schedule. In any event, the medical attention will perhaps free him to report to spring training next year, take a rotation spot, raise expectations, be injured for a significant part of the season, come back and make forgetful fans fawn all over him, and then like clockwork resume his spot on the DL for crunchtime/postseason.

***
The Joe Torre saga is sopping up all available column space for now, and the only thing I want to make sure doesn't slip through the cracks is that there is a bit more evidence that Johnny Damon is a traitor. Every time he opens his mouth, he sells out.

“We kind of thought something was going to happen after we didn’t win,” left fielder Johnny Damon said last night. “They gave Joe an opportunity, but with a pay cut and with the pressure that, if you win, here’s more money — which was pretty decent. “But he’d have had to deal with the same thing he dealt with this year. Maybe Joe just didn’t feel like it anymore.”

Damon annoys me and the so-called Red Sox nation, but given that the quotation above only subtly undermines Torre's position (who he shares an agent with), it's a fair question as to why I point this out. Well, it's fun to know that, at least for the time being, the Yankers have a player with such qualities in their camp. Of course Mr. Companyman sell-out doesn't really have a position on the Yankmes, so this pleasure may be short lived.

***
Something about the way it all ended, has left me with the inability to get my hot stove on and start ruminating about Met-fixes, which of course is the blogger's main role in life aside from regurgitating tabloid stories and crude photoshopping. I know they need pitching, but beyond that, the problems this team has need to be fixed on the couch. Tell me about your mother, Mr Met.

What will Omar's strategy be? Re-try to land Oswalt? Fit Fay-Rod for Orange and Blue? Get schooled by Moneyballers? I don't know that Omar will abandon his more or less pat-standing philosophy this off-season in response to the September to Dismember, despite the "big splash" suggestions of some columnists and internet types. Part of Omar's thing is not to overreact or play to the crowd. He ain't no Stevie Phillips. It's not a team that stands in need of a drastic dismembering and rebuilding. That said Omar knows he's got to back the truck up to the pitching store. I dunno what to expect, but I'm taking suggestions.

Top Ten Things We May Be Tempted to Do with Our CitiField Bricks

Unable to resist the urge to send the Wilpons as much of our money as they request, many fans purchased a CitiField Fan Walk commemorative brick this past week. We didn't even bristle when we noticed that the Mets shamelessly added a $5 "convenience fee" to the $195 sticker price. We're suckers, you say? Hardly. We've already started planning for what we will do with our bricks.

10. send it through the shop window of Sterling Enterprises with warning note

9. give it to Lastings Milledge, he'll know what to do with it

8. use it to build access ramp for Moises Alou and other elders Omar signs

7. put it under Louis Castillo's bad leg for support

6. build brick sh*thouse for sh*ttyfield (they're going to call it that anyway)

5. paperweight for many "Dear Fan" apology letters from front office

4. use it as seat since Citi Field will only hold 45,000

3. incorporate brick into cool, carefree dugout dance move

2. make a sturdy coaster for $13 Citi Field beer

1. tie it to Philly Phanatic's leg, put Phanatic in trunk, drive to nearest pier, see what happens

that's right, thugs are known to be adept with bricks!

The Stove is Getting Warmer

"Does anybody know why? Text me."--Keith Hernandez

It seems like just yesterday I was making fun of the cRockies. But it turns out I was like everyone else, unable to read the writing on the wall even though I watched the ominous spectacle of the Phillie Phanatic mugging Keith Hernandez in June. I said things like, "heck even the forces of nature are arrayed against the cRockies longterm success." I made Mike deJean jokes. Rather than consider me chastened, consider me a STAR MAKER, baby! Let me explain.

My preseason predictions brought in the Colorado fans, but alas, I sank under hubris and complacency--traits shared by Mets players and fans alike. Though the joke was on me, I think Rock fans need to thank me for messing with mojo. I ask you, how could the Colorado team have gelled into a playoff powerhouse without me not taking them seriously? Absent adversity, where would their drive to succeed come from? That's right, I'm claiming some credit for the Colorado Kaz's meteoric success. So to Colorado I say, Get yer Rocks off!

On the other hand, although I did briefly change allegiances to the Cincinnati Reds this season, I barely made fun of the Mets, and look where that got them! I promise not to make that mistake again next season. Nor will I be forgiving players for their sins, as I foolishly made amends with the "spy that came in from the old." Read on for more quasi-retrospective ramblings and preenings.

***

First things first, we blame all the umps. One issue I hope will get a lot of electronic ink this off-season is the quality of umpiring during the season. It shouldn't take a cascade of water bottles to wake the MLB(S) up to the piss poor officiating we saw this season. As David Wright said to C.B. Bucknor, "watch the game" MLB. The umps were chumps, nuff said.

***

So much Br*vey news floating around. Leo Mazzone (AKA the "rockin' retard") is let go by the brilliant minds in Baltimore. The Br*ves won't resign Andruw Jwuones. And the Great Satan John Sh***holtz will no longer be the General Manager of the Atlanta klan, although he remains with the club. It looks like the other shitkicking boot is dropping in Atlanta. Now I don't go as far as some, but I hate the Br*ves something fierce, and even if the South will rise again, we should be enjoying this news.

So why aren't we dancing in the streets?

Well it maybe because of the September to Dismember has us feeling a little subdued. Or it maybe our off-season has yet to find its theme, a story or a unifying idea like the one, now almost forgotten, given by the preposterous chase of Barry Zito from last year.

Let's try a post-season theme on for size: IS OMAR A BUM?

Sweet Jesus, he could be.

The Mets GM's competence is something no thinking, feeling Metfan wants to doubt. After all, he's the one who revived this club, taking it from dissension to dynasty, albeit on the backs of Steve Phillips era draft babies. And with everything else so wrong, I don't think we can stand the thought that the helmsman is a hack. But here is Joel Sherman for the prosecution, making the case with whispers about Omar's "checkered" record of decision making:

Minaya had a dream season last year where nearly every move - big and small - worked en route to an NL East title. But was that an oasis in an otherwise checkered career of decision-making?

You will find executives around the game who say Minaya claims more credit than he deserves for finding Latin talent early in his career, notably Sammy Sosa. Plenty of officials who were around the Mets when Minaya was a top executive under then GM Steve Phillips swear Minaya, among other failed items, strongly endorsed Jeromy Burnitz and Mo Vaughn, and gave a tepid report on a young international free agent named Alfonso Soriano.

For Sherman, Omar's past off-season was "inexplicable."

For example, with both Paul Lo Duca and Ramon Castro facing walk years, Minaya's front office lost, via the Rule 5 Draft, young catcher Jesus Flores, who had a fine first season for Washington. Minaya shielded a lot of Steve Schmolls and Alay Solers, but most criminally protected 48-year-old Julio Franco over a 22-year-old catcher with promise.

San Diego's Heath Bell and Florida's Matt Lindstrom blossomed into top set-up men and Kansas City's Brian Bannister into a Rookie of the Year candidate. The Mets' haul for that trio - Jon Adkins, Ben Johnson, Jason Vargas, Adam Bostick and Ambiorix Burgos - was a modern version of Joe Foy and Jim Fregosi.

What message did Minaya send by re-signing steroid offender Guillermo Mota or firing a hard-working hitting coach (Rick Down) in midseason and hiring a renowned loafer in Rickey Henderson, whose time as a Met player was underscored by indifference?

So Sherman is playing the Bell card, pushing the 'roids case, and chiming the elderly gong. Rickey was a head scratcher. Fair enough. But one thing is sure, Omar needs to have a hell of an off-season. No more excuses that there is nothing to work with, a great GM makes it happen. What kind of evidence could we see in the upcoming weeks to make us feel Omar may indeed be a stinker?

Well, let's start with the re-signing of Tomahawk Chop Glavine. That wouldn't be good.

And any failure to remedy the pitching situation by somehow not scoring a number one starter and fixing the flat tire bullpen might qualify in some fan's minds. Signing players I loathe, such as David Eckstein or Ronnie Belliard (click on links for my savaging of these players), would do it for me.




Belliard's a purple punk



So the jury is out. And they are an angry mob waiting to happen, Omar.


***


axis of evil?

The Mets defensive lapses, particularly during the horrendous later portion of the season, need to be addressed. It would help if the players knew how many outs there are, or when to break into homerun celebratory trots and when not to. Reyes and Wright are young, but their throwing yips and non-coverage of bases, respectively, are not something Randolph can accept. I'm not saying that the Mets revert to Mets ex-GM Steve Phillips strategy of telling Mo Vaughn to pretend foul pops were cheeseburgers, but the Mets need to motivate these guys to keep their heads in the games at all times.

***

















Scott's last good day with the Mets

Scott "Show and Blow" Shoeneweis, he of the three-year, $10.8 million contract, is on the hotseat for a wee bit of mail-ordering he did. So there are now as many questions about Shoeneweis' signing as there are about the spelling of his last name. But, contrary to what many fans think, this doesn't make signing Chadbrad to a similar contract any less ill-advised. Relievers are never a sure thing. But I want to point out something we learned in June that fans seem to forget: Blow was or is pitching with a severed tendon in his left hamstring. Now I take this back if that hammy has somehow righted itself, but my argument is that one would need to take this into consideration when evaluating this signing. The dude has survived balls cancer, elbow surgury, and Blowsie was looking more like Willie's go to guy towards the end there, for better or for worse. If anything, Blow and the pen debacle as a whole speak to the problem of letting the "market " push you into signing middle relievers for 3 year deals.

***

And last and certainly least, how could we get through the day without doing exactly what Wallace Matthews wants us to do, which is be outraged while we discuss Wallace Matthews' latest performance art over at Newsday? For Wally, the Mets are both bullies and cowards. They can't take a punch. They are responsible for global heating, spandex, disco, and Wally's premature ejaculation problem. However, I can't really contest his portrayal of Toothless:

Tom Glavine -- a cut-rate mercenary compared to Clemens but a mercenary just the same -- got what he wanted out of the Mets, his 300th win, but when it came time to give something back, he couldn't get out of the first inning. Didn't seem to be too broken up about it afterward, either.

And well, it's hard to argue against the idea that the Mets are clowns, but blaming the Yanker's postseason failure on a swarm of bugs seems a little unfair. To the bugs.



The Mets deny North Korean influence in the decision to retain Willie Randolph.

Welcome Alex Rodriguez!!

We hope you enjoyed your morning stroll through your new merchandise tent; we think the “Arod Spray-On Tan” was a particularly inspired product concept. And the newly installed latte bar and nail parlor you toured underneath the stands are just for you, Arod! We do apologize for the tone of the personal recruitment calls from Tom Glavine; he no longer works here.

Arod, all the hoopla is all to put a point on this: We want you to bring your playoff vanishing act to Flushing.

Arod, we want you to know that, although choking hasn’t always been a part of Mets baseball, we are making tremendous strides in this area. We hope last season demonstrated this quality to you, so you’ll feel right at home. Since you never became a “true Yankee,” you will be happy to know that there is no such thing as a “true Met,” Bobby Bonilla notwithstanding. Allow us to outline the steps we are taking to ensure that your transition to the Mets is smooth, like your ex Mariah Carrey’s breast implants. Or was that Jeter. Sorry. In any event, our uniforms have nice highlights that really bring out the orangeness of your skin tone.

To make you even more comfortable, we will move the face of our franchise from third to second base so that you can continue to play at your new favorite third base position. We think you’ll appreciate that our infielders wear much less cologne than the ones you played with most recently. Are you Latino, Arod? Your last name sounds kind of Latino. If so, we think you will marvel at the array of wonderful music available in the clubhouse. Also, all of our players are welcome to choose their own at-bat music. We know Latin, Arod.

Even better, the New York Mets are here for all your needs, now and in the future. In order to insure the comfort of your transition to the Mets, we have retained our previous manager Willie Randolph. Just like Joe Torre, our manager also just sits there, but he smells a hell of a lot better! And he loves vets too! And the new Citi Field stadium will have discrete exits for you and your stripper friends. And while you wait for the new field to open, may we mention that the dangerous construction site within walking distance offers plenty of opportunities for the public relations-related saving of young children from peril?

As for the growing perception around the league that you are a punk, well, we will fix that in 10 minutes. We will surround you with punks. If that means considering the acquisition of a Ronnie Belliard, or even a member of the Phillies or Marlins, well that’s what we’re going to do. Further, by directive of Wilpon family, all Mets players shall now conduct themselves in the proper manner so as to make you, A-rod, look as classy as possible. Jose Reyes and Lastings Milledge are already half the way there!

We hope that you will see the Mets as a great place to pad your stats and meet new corporate partners without incuring many of the real estate fees that a more drastic relocation would entail. We can’t wait to add your 1 to our 24.

Welcome Arod!

Remembering the September to Dismember, Desolation and Other Schadenfreude

Top Ten Potential Mets 2008 Slogans

10. "New York Mets: Best Team on Paper"
9. "Hey, We Fired the Groundskeeper"
8. "We Got Us Some Pitching"
7. "Come to Shea Where Kaz Matsui Got His Start"
6. "The Mets: Our Position Players are Drug-Free"
5. "Come Dance with the Real Stars!"
4. "Wait til you see NEXT season's ticket prices!"
3. "Meaningful Games are Back!"
2. "No Way That'll Happen Again"
1. "F*@?! Hanley Ramirez too!"

***


Mets braintrust gathers to discuss off-season strategy

***
As a soon-to-be washed up comedian keeps telling me, there's only one October. For me, it's one October too many. I guess I could have enjoyed the spectacle-- the Phils quickly being revealed as the pretenders they are, and perhaps the Yanks $200 million payroll buying them three postseason games (if my math is right, that's somewhere around $66.6 million a game! 666!)--but I can't bring myself to watch "Mr. October" Kaz Matsui lead his new team to the World Series. I know what you're thinking: the guy was Eli Marrero.

Kaz Matsui.

No, I can't let the Metless so-called post-season distract me from trying to fathom how such a promising team could turn us from braggarts to bag-heads in such a short time. I am in no mood to joke about the choke. But I'm only barely up to the challenge of blogging a team that didn't care enough to compete, so I don't have them, those answers you wanted. I have only questions, such as, will David Wright and Jose Reyes ever be our Stephen Drew or Chris Young?

This off-season I can, however, offer you some bitter recriminations followed by some cynical but suggestive bitter recriminations, and then finally as spring nears, some more hopeful bitter recriminations. Banging our heads against the drawing board won't do anyone any good but what else is there to do? If the results of the brutal purge we call the best-of-three playoff series are any indication, it looks like the Mets invested in the wrong elderly vets, the wrong Hernandez, etc. I even wonder if the Mets have the wrong altitude; the cRockies have taken the glass slipper off the Philme's and used it to beat the living heck out of them, in a manner reminiscent of the Philadelphia closer's marital style.

For a guy who previously had difficulty with the difference between schadenfreude and farfennugen , I have become awfully bitter in the last month. For example, I now revel at the following thought:

At least the MLB now must contemplate a Cleveland-Colorado World Series where they lose an amount of money equal or greater to the ill-gotten gains from a season of GAUGING and FLEECING baseball fans with their "Extra Innings" and MLB.TV packages (Insert maniacal laughter here).

So although I still pull for the Sawx and would have liked to see the Cubbies go all the way, I must admit, I am now rooting for the "If-a-World-Series-Happened-and-no one-watched-it" eventuality to come to pass. As long as the Yankees lose in devastating fashion, A-Rod gets 45 mil for 100 years from the Dodgers or something, and Joe Torre applies for Willie's bench coach position, I'll be vaguely satisfied.

But there is also a crappy lining to this cloud. Although it might not cost a single member of the responsible party their jobs (two cheers for accountability!), the Mets September collapsathon certainly has already resulted in speculation of the most untethered (sign A-rod) and sometimes noxious (sign Andruw Jones) kind. It's open season on nut job cures for the Mets ills, and it will last all winter. Sigh.

Some misguided souls have even recommended the Mets sign smirking, bloated showboat ex-Br*ve Jones to play alongside Carlos Beltran in one capacity or another. This is apparently because the Mets need another self-satisfied hot dog, an additional massive head wound for their precious gold glove CF, or the rights to another player the evil masterminds in Atlanta discarded at precisely the right moment. That would be crazier than George Steinbrenner.

So far the news from the real world is rosy, but unsurprising. Atlanta Agent Tom Glavine has declined his option and now either will "come in from the cold" or retire. It was no surprise; the likeliness that Toothless would decline the option was equal to the likeliness he would decline as a pitcher when the Mets made the mistake of signing him in the first place. Despite all his strangely detached, unaccountable post-season talk, he knows he is chump #1. Lack of pride was never the issue here.

So while the other blogs out there spin out every possible trade or rebuilding scenario, bracing themselves for the hot stove following the "September to Dismember," I am feeling more contemplative, philosophical even. If his early mumblings are to be trusted, Omar doesn't plan to run around screaming and crying to fix what's broken; there may be little "dismembering" after all. But show me a playoff team without quality, young, lights-out pitching, and I'll show you an Omar and Willie on the Flushing scrap heap, with all the Doc and Darryls, Generation Ks, and Escobars. Tragedies, all with bright future's that never quite panned out.