Separation of Church and Plate and Other Ramblings

Ya like controversy? Have I got a posting for you.

Church and Plate

I should have been suspicious when I saw Trot "God is my physical therapist" Nixon out there shepherding rightfield for the cRockies. But a story in the NY Times confirms it, the World Series bound cRockies are lovin' them some Jesus. And the cRockies "Christian-based code of conduct" is making the news again. When they were just some chumps laboring in a high-altitude horror show, no one cared. But now that these chumps are taking the Mets' place in the World Series (hey my predictions of a 86 redux were half right), everyone is looking.

Let's take a closer look at internet chatter relevant to the Coors family. You can look this stuff up and try to verify it yourself. Then you can muse about whether you'd support this organization as a Christian, Pastafarian, or whatever persuasion you are.

"In 1984, Bill Coors fought against passage of the Civil Rights Act, telling an audience of black businessmen that blacks don't succeed because they "lack intellectual capacity." After encouraging them to go back to Africa, he said that one of the best things slave-drivers did to American blacks "was to drag your ancestors over here in chains" because blacks in America have greater opportunity than those in Africa."

According to one published expose, the Coors family "has personally bankrolled a number of America's most hateful reactionary groups. These include the Heritage and Free Congress Foundations (both founded by Pete Coors' father Joe); various KKK members; Laszlo Pasztor, a convicted Hungarian Nazi; and Roger Pearson, who was at one time the world's leading advocate of militant eugenics.

So Coors Field isn't just for "Nazi beer" anymore. The cRockies won't just be known for putting their balls in a humidor. And Colorado has more to offer than "school systems." That's right, now the good lord himself is director of player personnel for the Colorado club. According to the story, the 2004 nabbing of $51.2 million mistake Denny Neagle for soliciting a hooker helped prompt GM Dan O'Dowd to activate an already latent franchise culture, purportedly gathering a group of devout Christian ballplayers to fight for the purple and black. The rebirth is an organizational thang: CEO Charlie Monfort and Manager Clint Hurdle are just two of the important cRockies decision-makers who found the lord at the bottom of the bottle. Of course, no one told Kaz Matzui about this Christian influence, though I'm sure he'd grasp the Book of Job.

Call me a heretic, but these things I know for sure.

One. There is only one set of Gods that have relevance to the child's game we call baseball. They are known as the Baseball Gods, they work between the chalk lines, and they are strictly Old Testament types. You may not be interested in the Baseball Gods, but they are interested in you. End of story.

Two. Organized religion does not belong in baseball. There's just too much tobacco juice. It seems to me that any truly reverent fan would be offended and maybe disgusted by modern players hypocritical in-game religious gestures. Ever notice that players usually only thank God when they make an offensive contribution? Doesn't God have a hand in an excellent circus catch in the outfield? Why don't shortstops ever point upwards and give credit when they throw someone from the hole? Pointing upward after getting a hit is belittling the deities you supposedly want to honor. This doesn't piss me off so much as the hysterical jumping up and down celebration of a walk off victory against the Pirates in June, but it's up there. God doesn't give a shit if you just knocked in the game winning run, pal, he's got better things to do.

It says here I'm rooting for the Sawx. Not that the Sawx are any less God gesturing, but at least they are not running their organization by scripture. Not yet at least, because you know if the cRockies were to win the series somehow, every organization would at least think of copycatting their blueprint. Imagine the internet outrage if Omar trashed his oft-supposed Latin blueprint to go with the Lord's plan! Plus if Boston wins this year, the Mets won't feel bad at all when they dispatch them in next year's World Series. It'll be more like beating the Yankees than snatching dinner from the hungry mouths of Buckner nation. It'll be the morally right thing to do. Yeah. Go Sawx!!

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Ya can't chew innings if ya got no teeth

Unbelievably, Toothless Tomahawk Chop Glavine is back our grill, this time because his agent leaked that he's "interested" in pitching for the House of Cards. Terrific. Here goes another round of actually considering this bozo for our 2008 Mets. I am feeling too fed up even to offer up a fight at this point. But, I think, does Batman get out of bed one morning and give up fighting hoodlums? Does GreenLantern just decide to sit out the war on evil-doers, and fix green lattes for himself while he gets pedicures? No, I submit, they do not. Heroes take on evil 7 days a week. And as your hero, I feel compelled.

Speaking of evil, some people are pining for Glavine's return. I can't imagine that knowledgeable folks are thinking this way but the logic seems to be this: well, maybe we were too harsh on ol' Tom on account of his ignominious role in the Mets disastrous crash and burn. With distance, we can see that he was actually pretty solid for the Mets (if by "solid" you mean well compensated and mediocre, I guess). And heck, how are the Mets going to replace the innings he "ate"?

To all you playing the "name someone who can replace Glavine" game. Name someone who can't! Yeah, it's true we shouldn't focus on a small handful of absolute disaster starts from Glavine, and...we don't need to! If you watch this guy over the "life" of his contract, you know he was and is an awful investment. He. Has. Nothing. Left.

If you really want to watch a pitcher get lit up, hang out with David Wells after a game at an IHOP or something.

And all this blather about how hard it is to "replace" such an innings eater; funny how the same fan base uses the opposite justification for keeping the other Elder around, Old Duque, who doesn't eat innings whatsoever. And at least he's fun to watch when he occasionally takes the mound during the regular season. Do you guys really think Glavines' contributions are irreplaceable? Using what logic? 200 innings? That's the job description of a starter, to pitch about 200 innings. And it's Omar's job to find someone to "replace" Toothless.

Further, if the Mets acquire anyone at all for the rotation, and even if they don't, there is no room for Toothless anyway! Petey, Maine, Ollie, Pelfrey, Old Duque, and perhaps Humber. Add the awesome, all-world starter Omar is sure to add any minute now, and where do put the soft-tossin' Br*ve? And would a playoff team guarantee a slot to someone who at this point is a glorified longman? I am cringing that we will have to play this off season game again with Glavine--I don't care where he goes. To quote that great statesman Morris Day, "he ain't got to go home, but he can't stay here." I actually find it hard to believe anyone that loves this team wants to see this toothless mercenary back with the team. It seems delusional to me.