Welcome Alex Rodriguez!!

We hope you enjoyed your morning stroll through your new merchandise tent; we think the “Arod Spray-On Tan” was a particularly inspired product concept. And the newly installed latte bar and nail parlor you toured underneath the stands are just for you, Arod! We do apologize for the tone of the personal recruitment calls from Tom Glavine; he no longer works here.

Arod, all the hoopla is all to put a point on this: We want you to bring your playoff vanishing act to Flushing.

Arod, we want you to know that, although choking hasn’t always been a part of Mets baseball, we are making tremendous strides in this area. We hope last season demonstrated this quality to you, so you’ll feel right at home. Since you never became a “true Yankee,” you will be happy to know that there is no such thing as a “true Met,” Bobby Bonilla notwithstanding. Allow us to outline the steps we are taking to ensure that your transition to the Mets is smooth, like your ex Mariah Carrey’s breast implants. Or was that Jeter. Sorry. In any event, our uniforms have nice highlights that really bring out the orangeness of your skin tone.

To make you even more comfortable, we will move the face of our franchise from third to second base so that you can continue to play at your new favorite third base position. We think you’ll appreciate that our infielders wear much less cologne than the ones you played with most recently. Are you Latino, Arod? Your last name sounds kind of Latino. If so, we think you will marvel at the array of wonderful music available in the clubhouse. Also, all of our players are welcome to choose their own at-bat music. We know Latin, Arod.

Even better, the New York Mets are here for all your needs, now and in the future. In order to insure the comfort of your transition to the Mets, we have retained our previous manager Willie Randolph. Just like Joe Torre, our manager also just sits there, but he smells a hell of a lot better! And he loves vets too! And the new Citi Field stadium will have discrete exits for you and your stripper friends. And while you wait for the new field to open, may we mention that the dangerous construction site within walking distance offers plenty of opportunities for the public relations-related saving of young children from peril?

As for the growing perception around the league that you are a punk, well, we will fix that in 10 minutes. We will surround you with punks. If that means considering the acquisition of a Ronnie Belliard, or even a member of the Phillies or Marlins, well that’s what we’re going to do. Further, by directive of Wilpon family, all Mets players shall now conduct themselves in the proper manner so as to make you, A-rod, look as classy as possible. Jose Reyes and Lastings Milledge are already half the way there!

We hope that you will see the Mets as a great place to pad your stats and meet new corporate partners without incuring many of the real estate fees that a more drastic relocation would entail. We can’t wait to add your 1 to our 24.

Welcome Arod!