Metastrophe 2007: The Curse of Saint Nick

why is there a cub holding santa's stick?

The title of Marty Noble's new column nearly stopped my heart! Don't worry it's just a recap.

Just some goofy ass holiday pictures i felt like posting and reposting. And a reminder, it's been said before, but it bears repeating: whatever you do, do not be photographed in Christmas gear. Particularly if you want to have a future with the Mets.






Most of these kids (seen toasting the Mets at 1:23 probably with real champaign if they watched any tv in September) were never seen again! And it wasn't because of Jill Nee's (Mets Director of Community Relations)painful MC-ing.



As we hope for Johan, remember the things we almost got for Christmas in years past...

Happy Holidays from IMFM

Hey it's almost the end of another year and time to thank all of you who stop by to ogle this car wreck. You have more than 109.2 million blogs to go to, and yet you come here. I don't know what's wrong with you. According to Technorati the "vast majority of blogs exist in a state of total or near-total obscurity" such that 99% get no hits in a year (link swiped from here). Put in that perspective, our little corner of the blogging world is among the elite. All this makes me realize that I have been blessed in my life, I've been blessed in my career, and I'm very thankful for those blessings.

Fans often ask why I refuse to invest in my blog, whether its using care in choosing my words, or paying for better quality web experience. Well, as of today, I am now paying for high speed internet so I hope you're happy. In 2008, I promise that I will use this new power in the same irresponsible and near shameful manner in which I use the English language and interweb images in the past. Hopefully the laughs will be faster and cheaper. You can expect many Youtube based gimmicks and the like, as I step up my efforts. For those of you who missed it, here's what an almost numb liar looks like.







May your holidays be on HGH, and may your new year be every bit as fun as this:





Just wondering...

What is the most shocking news of the off-season so far?
	Omar lands Brian Schneider! for the mere cost of a prospect
	John Maine can still fit into a size 3
	Ramon Castro's Head not even mentioned in passing in the Mitchell Report
	Sid Fernandez 2005 Comeback Special
	Willie Randolph will manage the 2008 Mets
	Billy Wagner lets Curt Shilling do all the talking on Clemens
	It's the end of December and Livan Hernandez is still not a Met
	Mets make questionable trade of affordable high-ceiling youngster for spare parts from a cellar dwelling team
Free polls from Pollhost.com

The Mitch is a Bitch: Wally Temporarily Forgets How Bad the Mets Suck

Wallace Matthews' juicy new column examines the different treatment given to Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. And best of all, he explains it in terms of sorcery. That is, Barry Bonds gets all the negative attention on the roids front because he's a witch! See, I quote Matthews to prove my point, not selectively or anything:

It has been about race, pure and simple, a witch hunt solely in search of a black witch.

I learned everything I know about journalistic integrity from Wally, but still I have to say, Wally has gone soft. He didn't even mention the Mets once.

***

Was it Wise to sign a pitcher afraid to throw the ball? On the balance, Omar has done well with the bullpen. Right now the relief corps is missing something, unless you are one of those who think Duaner Sanchez is coming back, and at the same level. If I was gambling on a guy who had mental-mechanical problems, I'd kick the tires on the Cardinals dude who did roids and moved to the outfield, but at least it shows that Omar Minaya is alive and well and not disappeared as it had started to seem. I love me some Mark Prior, so it's mildly heartening to hear the Mets linked to the race to sign him to a one-year deal, I suppose so he can luxuriate in the Mets Florida training mecca Cliff Floyd once called a black hole. It's also absurd to see the number of teams interested in fighting to sign this train wreck who will only play from July to October of 2008 under contract for you, before either looking for a new contract or finally succumbing to his injuries and retiring. I mean I'd still like to see him sign with the Mets, seeing as ticket prices have already been raised to accommodate the signing of someone.

***
There isn't much to even talk about. Along with some typical "the AL is the Best" claptrap (including the quote that the Blue Jays, according to one AL executive [which one is the crack smoking GM again?] "would win the National League"), Stark's Rumblings and Grumblings mentions in passing that some anonymous GM thinks the Mets do have the chips to land Johan. And Can't Stop the Bleeding is only the latest stop for the story that George Mitchell is also a douche. If you're in a sour contrarian mood like I am, then visit Bad Mets and puzzle over their crusade to save Shea Stadium. It involves bullfighting so it can't be that bad.

The Mitch is a Bitch: Off Our Rocker

This Mitchell stuff is so depressing, taking a steamy dump on mom and apple pie and all; need a distraction?



Let's spend some more time visiting that national resource, the Official John Rocker website, order some posters of John's conspicuously black, English-speaking friend, Alicia Marie* for Xmas presents (that guy is hot!!), and take a look at the quizzes the former 7 train enthusiast and performance enhancing major league pitcher designed to help us to make the best civic minded policy decisions. In case you are too busy making Clemens jokes, here is Rocker's prescient conclusion concerning the indignities of airport screening.

Rocker:
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because of profiling. Give us a break!!! These people must think we are idiots! We are!




I, for one, feel safer if Congressmen are searched thoroughly, but fair enough. With that out of the way, let's turn to the quiz and see how we do:

Rocker:
Reflect and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!!!
Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

(editor: Well, I can't imagine Superman would do such a thing, and Harry Potter is a fictional character, so...must be "b" Jay Leno. )

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(This is an easy one. I don't know any Olga Corbett. Schwarzenegger is a foreigner, and he picks his nose, so it must be him, "c". )

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Leaning towards c, but this one is probably "a" because Norwegians are foreigners from Norweigia.)

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

("b" King of Sweden. Not sure how he got to Lebanon from Sweden, but probably had help from the Smurf Kingdom. )

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Not sure, but Geraldo...is that a Christian name? I'm going with "c".)

6. In 19 85 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and 70 year old Leon Klinghoffer, an American and a Jew- confined to a wheelchair, was murdered and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Smurfs all the way. A real sausage party there, probably a lot of pent up hostility. Fucking blue bastards. "a".)
...
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed int o the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d . Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Definitely Mr. Bean. He's not from around here. )


How'd I do?
Send your answers to Debi Curzio & Associates, Inc. Public Relations/Promotions/Damage Control.

*as further diversion, alicia explains her man's english problem here.

No Hall for Mr. "I Thought it was the Ball"

Pins and Needles, But Mostly Needles

There's a hilarious new AT&T cellular commercial, where like Rodger Clemens' wife calls her husband to ask if he is doing 'roids, and then there's absolutely no answer, just silence.

Is anyone else getting bored of this? I am beginning to suspect that ESPN distributed needles to MLB players the way they are exploiting this--come to think of it, the world wide leader did come about right around the same time. There are really no interesting angles left on this one. I mean everyone but Roidger himself has admitted that Roidger takes steroids. I almost called this blog, "Everyone Knows Clemens is a Juicer" but the url name was already taken. Roidger has remained silent so far, but I wonder if there is truth to the rumor he is considering just buying the Mitchell Report and the whole damn media with the spoils from that idiotic ginormous pro-rated contract he just finished extorting from the New York Spankees? Or maybe he'll just tell the media "he thought it was the ball." It was good enough for them last time.

Meanwhile the plot lines are as novel as a SportsGuy column. There is nothing new here. We all knew it all along. Clemens' World Series meltdown, Paul lo Duca's spiking the ball, and Lenny Nails Dykstra, well c'mon just look at him. I'm sorry for anyone who believed in Todd Hundley, really I am. Bud Selig looks as lame as ever. And it was pathetic to watch Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons, who seemed to be having another stroke on-air (maybe it was just his conscious), cover for the players on the so-called "Sports Center" tonight; these guys are so compromised by their connections in the MLB and its time everyone notices. Of course watching Steve Phillips suddenly reveal all he knew for the cameras was sickening.

What's more interesting is to speculate on what's coming. Or wonder who that mystery man is that spilt the beans to keep his name out of the report. I think I know who it was. But this 24 news cycle of Mitchell Report stuff, combined with no Johan Santana, is brutal.

Still, there is some fun to be had, especially for those of us who don't have to explain this to our kids. I admit, it's fun to hear the lawyers and other representatives for players complaining that their side of the story isn't being represented after they stonewalled Mitchell for months. Meanwhile, Billy Wagner doth protest too much, like he doth do everything related to speaking too much. Some people should really keep their mouths shut. On the other hand, maybe we need to start listening to others like Jose Canseco:

"I saw the list of players, and there are definitely a lot of players missing," he told Fox Business Network. "I don't know what they accomplished or what they are trying to prove."
Prodded further about players not included, Canseco said this of Alex Rodriguez: "All I can say is the Mitchell Report is incomplete. I could not believe that his name was not in the report."

It's fun to finally understand what it is that Omar Minaya saw in Sammy Sosa for all those years, now that Slammin' Corkin' Sammy is the single season HR king again. Our man at Can't Stop the Bleeding has the scoop of the century if you think about it. Take it away, CSTB:

While Clemens, Bonds, and John Rocker write their retirement announcements, Sosa has a Cooperstown acceptance speech to pen — once he relearns English, if I recall his Senate appearance correctly.

Speaking of speaking English, with the release of his name on the Mitchell Report, John Rocker is finally getting some good press. I notice his website* is not capitalizing on the happy occasion though you can check out his new single (search for JROCK49). Check out Johnnies "Headlines" section if you're doubtful that true ignorance still exists in the modern world. Equally fun is getting to read one accused juicer, David Justice, give advice to another:

"I've never seen Roger do anything nor have I ever had a conversation with him [about steroids]," Justice, appearing as a guest on the "The Herd" on ESPN Radio, said Friday. "He should be doing what I'm doing. He should be talking about it. If you really didn't do it, say something about it. At least have a conversation about it."

There's a show called the Herd? I wish we could spend some time talking about my Boston Celtics.



*I'm not sure what to make of this, but I'm kinda scared.

A Tribute to Cpt. Red Ass

Happy Holidays Paulie!


"Whats that you say, the ink is dry on my new contract with the Nationals?" Pic stolen from here

So many things make more sense now that I've read the Mitchell Report, which surprisingly made no mention of Alyssa Milano. There will be plenty of time for words later, so while we wait for Roidger Clemens' sure to be pathetic explanation of why he threw a bat at Mike Piazza, and as we wait for the Yankees to cede their ill-gotten 2000 World Series title to the Mets, let's enjoy a pictoral tribute to the firey Paul LoDuca's Mets years.






More, much more later.

Happy Birthday, Derek Bell! Big Announcement to Follow...

Today we honor the most hilarious Met ever. If you don't know whether to love him for his self-assured suckiness, the milestones he set for athlete entitlement, his house boat, crack smoking, or the way his tongue uttered the single most ridiculous thing an ex-Met ever said*, I say, why decide?

So I send this one out to cell block D.

Derek, we haven't forgotten you.

*****
I'd squeeze in one last Estrada joke before the team loses him for nothing tomorrow, but I'm too demoralized. I don't know why Estrada can't be a fine member of the Mets mediocre Backstop Bunch.

*****
Jesus Flores!! Apparently the buzz is that Omar refused the Twins offer of Johan for a bunch of minor leaguers. While you decide whether to laugh or cry, consider this:

Omar Minaya had a farm
eyii eyii oohh
and on this farm he had some chips
eyii eyii oohh
with a #2 here and a number #3 there
here a Lima there a Vargas, Aaron Sele, Aaron Sele, Aaron Sele!!! AAAaaaaAAArrgh!

Do we have them right where we want them, or are we royally fucked?


*************special announcement**************************

I have an announcement to make. During the 2006 season, this blog was on steroids. With the Mitchell Report imminent, I just want to come clean with you, the fans.

Even though I was probably headed to the hall of fame, I made the mistake of taking performance enhancing drugs. I knew that Misery Loves Company and Archie Bunker's Army were doing them; I saw them injecting each other in the ass. But when I heard Cerrone's blog was enhancing its performance, well I was desperate to keep up. I hope my experience will help others admit that they have a problem and seek help.

Yes I made a mistake, but I didn’t know it wasn’t flax seed oil. The doctor prescribed them. I was rehabilitating from an injury. Milton Bradley threatened me. I was in Virginia.

I apologize to whoever I am supposed to apologize to.

Thank you for your attention.



*In spring training 2002, while with the Pirates, Bell, who had hit .173 the previous season, did not feel that he needed to prove he was worthy of a starting job.

On March 18, Bell told reporters:

"Nobody told me I was in competition. If there is competition, somebody better let me know. If there is competition, they better eliminate me out of the race and go ahead and do what they're going to do with me. I ain't never hit in spring training and I never will. If it ain't settled with me out there, then they can trade me. I ain't going out there to hurt myself in spring training battling for a job. If it is [a competition], then I'm going into 'Operation Shutdown.' Tell them exactly what I said. I haven't competed for a job since 1991."

Bell jumped the team on March 29, was released on March 31, and never played in the Majors again. The Pirates ended up paying him $4.5 million not to play for them.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports columnist Mark Madden summarized the incident with "Derek Bell becomes the ultimate Pirate: Lives on a boat and steals money."

from Wikipedia

Metastrophe 2007: Is that Santa-na coming down the Mets Chimney?

Metsblog/SNY's Matthew Cerrone has come out today with the (inevitable) hotstove post, the Buzz: Santana wants to be a Met. Much like in the wonderful tales of the Juan-Gones, Martinez', Beltrans, and Zitos of cold winter's past, this event signals that we have almost arrived at the denouement of another off-season--if its a tragedy or romantic comedy has yet to be determined. It maybe that similar stories can be found on other less-than-impartial sites around the interwebs, ("Santana wants to be a Devil Ray" "Santana wants to be a Rockette"), but invoking Santa's blanket no-trade and hoped-for preference is a recipe for an internet feeding frenzy in Flushing fantasyland. That sound you just heard was not grandpa's bladder, it was hope springing eternal. Well played, Matthew, well played. Let's get frenzied!

Imagine a picture of Santa Claus with Johan Santana's face photoshopped on it, about here.

For a dose of reality, check out Michael Salfino's sobering assessment over at SNY where he shows that, rationally speaking Santana just isn't worth the price in prospects under the proposals currently being bandied about. What he writes is true, in a rational world. But that's not where we're at here: the rich Mets don't have an ace and us fans want one, so reason be damned. We bought our fan bricks and we demand to be enabled by/ hampered with a ginormous contract at the top of our rotation. As for the fallout of a potential deal, I love me some Gomez, and losing him, I prefer to continue to love me some F-Mart. So I don't want to lose them both. I'd prefer to lose Heilman (plenty o' parking in Minnesota buddy), and to keep Pelfrey in the Met's belfry. But if Omar can keep two of the four (Fmart/Gomez and Pelf/Humbie) on the farm, I'll stop sticking pins in this here doll. We have to like the way this story is going: Red Sawx and Yankers halfheartedly duel, no one pulls the trigger, and Johan's humble and rightful suitor sweeps in and saves the day.

That being said, what really needs to happen is for the rest of the rotation to somehow be inspired to learn to go deeper into games--hypnosis, nature outings, communal shaving of body parts--I don't care how it happens. This makes the bullpen stronger, as would a few more potentially golden free agent signings. Everyone knows the pen is a crapshoot from year to year, but why not work whichever young starters who a) are not sent to Minny and b) do not squeeze into the rotation, into the pen? Why not, dammit? I don't see how the offense got stronger, seeing as how LM will be having his ball cover-tearing break out season with the Washington DC crew, fitting in a monster year between drive-by shootings with his boy Elijah. But we could imagine the "young players progressing and old players recovering" scenario if we want. To me the 2008 offense hinges on one Carlos Delgado's righting the ship, and the media hasn't peeped about this once.

***
I wouldn't be me if I forgot to mention Los Angeles' recent signing of the Br*ve bozo Jason Stark once called the "Most Overrrated Centerfielder of All Time." I guess LA decision makers wanted a declining, girthsome showboat who will swing for the fences every time up, playing for himself at all times out there making snap catches in Chavez Ravine. It is soo the Dodgers to blunder like this; with all the young talent they have, and the last free agent they overspent on already playing in the outfield, they don't need Jwones at all. I guess they fell in love with his homers and so-called gold glove defense. Andrww Jownes may have a new address nearer to my home, but the smirky little butterball still gets my vote for most loathsome player in all of sports, other than Kobe Bryant of course (let's not get crazy). I just flat don't like the guy and I'm sure he will bomb in LaLa land. And I intend to savor it.

Hotstove 2007: METASTROPHE!

You're not going to hear this anywhere else. But pick up your heads, Metfans, I think there is a way Omar can land a Santana for the Mets 2008 roster. There is a man that won't cost the Mets anything but money. His name is also Carlos.



This way, Omar holds on to his prospects, brings leadership into the dugout, and fills the clubhouse with music no one admits kind of sucks. Here's a few of his vitals for your consideration. I think he fits in nicely.

Carlos Santana:
Has a black magic woman
Grammy winner
Older, but not Moises Alou old
kind of out of left field
Works well with meatheads
Latino (just playin')

I tried to run a green blog by not posting regularly, really I did. But in these times of Metastrophe 2007, frankly, my public needs me. So I need to write through the guilt and burn the midnight oil (sorry mother nature) to sooth my readers. They needs their Mets ruminations and they need them more than ever, now that the Met GM is reduced to desperately trying to trade for members of the Baltimore Orioles and babbling about "When you get yourself in to trouble is when you feel you have to do something, and then you get yourself in trouble" (our new motto in the blog heading, by the way), even while Arm-ageddon happens and the Boston Red Sox become freakin' invincible.

I feel guilty knowing that I burn valuable kilowatts typing nonsense on a non-biodegradable keyboard, even as good-hearted Americans are out there being green. Whether it's driving to the mall in their light trucks to pay more for Christmas presents and other products because it makes them appear to be saving the environment, buying ecological timebomb iphones, avoiding divorcing their no-good spouses, voting to support wars all over the Middle East and Central Asia, or just driving the environment clean in their hybrids, Americans are saving the planet while I sit here wasting electricity. Anyhow, like Hank Steinbrenner or Ca$hman when they say they're pulling out of negotiations, you can trust my word that from now on, I will make up for this column in greenness all week--no more flushing the toilet for me.

The good offices of Metsblog have recently announced they are entering into a special partnership with the one and only SNY, the people that make those funny cartoons. Now everyone's favorite blogger can work with everyone's favorite broadcast network and everyone wins. Ralph Kiner live-blog, anyone? We here at IMFM are hoping for more Fran Healy content, but in any event it's a great thing. Some fans are concerned, but I don't think this new partnership threatens the continued independent existence of Metsblog; it's not like anyone ever got fired from a Mets broadcasting concern for being too critical of the team! (McCarver got fired cause he had a weird lazy eye! Tim, call me!) I need to try to keep up with the Jones, so I started thinking, what network would team up with me? I have a lot of Spanish channels on my tv, but my Spanish is rusty. Then I hit upon the perfect Lenny to my Squiggy...BeliefNet, the spiritual website. Wait til they see all the hits they will get from this post; they will definitely appreciate my generous shooting of bandwidth their way and I expect a deal to be forthcoming. I'm totally green for Jesus.

So let's ignore that GM bent over the chair for a mere Canadian left hander on our computer screens, and visit with our old friend Mike Piazza, now featured in an interview on the devout Catholic prayer network and future partner of IMFM talking about god and horses, and stuff. He's so, like, intellectual and shit:

We want to try to get closer to God. We want to try to be like Jesus. We always want to try to get on that horse and do the right thing, and be positive. And be positive not just for yourself but for other people.



You might not remember Jesus riding a horse, but you will remember all the ways that Mike served Jesus while he was a Met, by not being gay, and by marrying a former nudie model, because as everyone knows, there is nothing heaven loves more than smokin' hot poontang, praise the lord! And look, how cool, you can click the sidebar on Beliefnet to get to BeliefNet's Soul Match if you want your own cosmetically flawless spiritual hottie! I'm pretty sure this is the way Jesus would have wanted it.

Mike's interview is rockin' like one of those death metal bands he likes. I'm with Mike, especially when he approaches the steroid scandal from his position as a person of faith (not as someone on the Mitchell list or anything):

It's kind of like going back and reinvestigating the Kennedy assassination. It's impossible to really put a finger on where it derailed and where it went wrong. And I think that everybody, in a sense, was realizing that someone--the people and the higher ups--were looking the other way...But I think now people--and especially in Major League Baseball--they've acknowledged it and we have very strict testing now. They were just testing the other day.

Mmmm. Uhuh. Makes perfect sense to me: drug use by athletes right up until the moment they get caught is exactly like shooting a Democratic president in Texas with a magic bullet.

And man, like Mike says, I totally agree Barry Bonds is just like President Bush! There really is no way to see clearly, so we have to just wait 20 years until we can really grasp how Bonds head grew 13 sizes.

And so, it's tough. People get very wrapped up into the record and what it would stand for and whatnot. There's just so much hype about it, and so much controversy and debate about it. I think it's kind of like with President Bush. He's very controversial now. But the true test, or the judge, of his legacy will be 15, 20 years down the line. It's almost impossible now to really form a true evaluation of the situation, because it's so incendiary. Other things have to settle down until we can really put history in perspective. It's very muddied now. Things have to settle, and then we'll be able to see clear.

And whatnot!!! But Mike, I gotta part ways with ya over the "praying for basehits and other minor things." As Mets fans know right now, prayer is sometimes all you have. Mike says he thinks about "God, Jesus and eternity," every hour, on the hour. In fact, I think right now is the perfect time for Metsfans to drop to their knees, if they aren't there already, and start praying for a miracle, cause if Omar keeps stinking it up, its gonna be an eternity before the Mets win the World Series again. And then all those empowered secular progressives who don't believe in things like shaming children, personal responsibility for their actions, or right and wrong, well they will have won! And we don't want that.

And BeliefNet.com, please, please pick up the phone.