It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Mitch is a Bitch: Off Our Rocker

This Mitchell stuff is so depressing, taking a steamy dump on mom and apple pie and all; need a distraction?

Let's spend some more time visiting that national resource, the Official John Rocker website, order some posters of John's conspicuously black, English-speaking friend, Alicia Marie* for Xmas presents (that guy is hot!!), and take a look at the quizzes the former 7 train enthusiast and performance enhancing major league pitcher designed to help us to make the best civic minded policy decisions. In case you are too busy making Clemens jokes, here is Rocker's prescient conclusion concerning the indignities of airport screening.

So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40 alone because of profiling. Give us a break!!! These people must think we are idiots! We are!

I, for one, feel safer if Congressmen are searched thoroughly, but fair enough. With that out of the way, let's turn to the quiz and see how we do:

Reflect and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened!!!
Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

(editor: Well, I can't imagine Superman would do such a thing, and Harry Potter is a fictional character, so...must be "b" Jay Leno. )

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(This is an easy one. I don't know any Olga Corbett. Schwarzenegger is a foreigner, and he picks his nose, so it must be him, "c". )

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Leaning towards c, but this one is probably "a" because Norwegians are foreigners from Norweigia.)

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

("b" King of Sweden. Not sure how he got to Lebanon from Sweden, but probably had help from the Smurf Kingdom. )

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Not sure, but that a Christian name? I'm going with "c".)

6. In 19 85 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and 70 year old Leon Klinghoffer, an American and a Jew- confined to a wheelchair, was murdered and thrown overboard by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Smurfs all the way. A real sausage party there, probably a lot of pent up hostility. Fucking blue bastards. "a".)
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed int o the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d . Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

(Definitely Mr. Bean. He's not from around here. )

How'd I do?
Send your answers to Debi Curzio & Associates, Inc. Public Relations/Promotions/Damage Control.

*as further diversion, alicia explains her man's english problem here.

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  • At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Winston Hello said…

    Just trying to be helpful here, but you need to acknowledge that among the scenes of your crimes, you use Beirut, Lebanon, Iran, and the coast of Egypt. I would say the odds of crimes in those locations being committed by a muslim are 99 to 1. It's like saying everyone in Iowa must be a criminal because most robberies in Des Moines are committed by...Iowans!

    I'm not saying we don't have our enemies, but I just wanted to point out that what you've done here is, well, ridiculous and counter-productive.


  • At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Man, you need a different hobby IMFM!

    This is some bizarre shite. I love it.


  • At 10:42 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    "ridiculous and counter-productive."

    "some bizarre shite"

    It was a good week.

    I wonder if Rocker was surprised that no "Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40" made the Mitchell Report.


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