Under the Thanksgiving Tree: Mets Get 18th Pick!

We all know that Tom Glavine has no life left on his pitches and is headed back home to Atlanta. The main question is, do I have any venom left?

The way I feel boils down to this statement: If there are really baseball gods, then the Br*ves will sign Rodger Cedeno to play center field in short order.

(By the way, signing an aged 2 and 1/3 innings pitching bozo is not a great way for Frank Wren to start off your tenure as new Br*ves GM, especially when you are replacing a man who must be a demigod to the barrel-wearing, sister lovin', livestock fondling, corn pipe-smoking set. Also, judging by what seems to be poor timing--rushing to sign a pitcher there is no market for and thus losing draft picks--this guy Wren might be just what fans--Mets fans--have been waiting for. An $8 million pooch screwing in any event.)

The Wilpons really loved this guy; I wouldn't be shocked if they loaned him the pen he used he signed his new Atlanta deal, and less surprised if Tom didn't return it. I'm told the Mets furnished Tom with some more lovely parting gifts. A new jet ski, for starters (An irate Met fan broke in to the Glavine family's fenced-in area and cut the ignition wires to the previous jet ski awarded to Tom during Sterling Enterprises' celebration of the 300 wins Glavine achieved with their worst rival). A night with their daughters. The good silver. Whatever else he wants.

But as loyal readers will point out, we never loved this guy. First, lets kill all the lawyers. Then, let's dispense with the laughers some fans are using to lament the departure of the traitor.

"The Mets will miss those 200 innings Glavine gave them."
This would be true if not for the fact that EVERY SINGLE MAJOR LEAGUE STARTING PITCHER HAS A JOB DESCRIPTION THAT ENTAILS PITCHING THOSE VERY SAME 200 OR SO INNINGS A SEASON. It's not that you toss 200 innings folks, it's really how you throw them. Do we evaluate Mets fielders based on how well they stand next to the bag? Ok well, we used to in the early 2000s, but those days are gone.

"Tom Glavine was a class act."
Nah. Class acts never ever blame their teammates, even if their teammates happen to be Rodger (Flyball Dodger) Cedeno. Class acts don't hang with known bigots and fertilizer peddlers (Smoltz I'm looking at you). Class acts don't flirt with their old flames while out to dinner with their current bill payers (that is a tortured metaphor to describe the ridiculous overtures Toothless continuously made at the Br*ves during his Mets tenure). Class acts know when to quit.

"Tom Glavine could hold Pedro Martinez' jock."
No he couldn't. I mean, no one is actually arguing this, but still, I wanted to get it off my chest. Pedro barely pitched during Tom's tenure, and I still prefer Petey's contribution.


They ain't got these things where you're going, Tom

So to recap, here's what the Mets got for their millions:

Ineffective pitching
Clot scares
Toothloss Taxi incident
Schuerholtz satisfaction
Questec whining
Defensive eyerolling
Disloyal dillying
Cringe-inducing 300 victory celebration
Goes out with a bang, that bang being a final shot to the Mets' collective temple.

So its all over now, Tom Glavine will not be playing the Mets for suckers anymore. Tuck this package under the Thanksgiving Tree, right next to the unsigning of Yorvit Terrible-catcher and the non-pursuit of David Eckstein. God bless us, everyone.


why does this picture come up when one googles "jet ski new york mets"?