Burning Questions for 2008

These questions burn like Kaz Matsui's nether regions after a trip to Taco Bell.


Why don't they just cover the entire field?

Watching espn's fawning coverage of the rain delay at Spankee Stadium this opening day led me to pose this question. We have the technology. So why just cover the infield and then sit there for a couple of hours and watch the outfield turn into a swamp? And don't tell me the outfields always drain properly. The rats at Shea are out there practicing their swimming, doing laps from warning track to foul pole, but our Brazillian-dollar outfielders can just fend for themselves?

Will the Br*ves ever win a game?
Har.







What did Billy Goat say?
Wagner will be delivering his views during a weekly radio segment on 1050 ESPN in New York. As the team finds itself this season, it seems as though it will have to overcome the needless rhetorical stylings of its closer (of course we shall never know why he said it). Will Wagner's presence finally complete the transition from clubhouse rash to cancer?

Are opposing batters looking a gift-Pelf in the mouth?
Is default-5th starter Mike Pelfrey still tipping his damn pitches with that damn mouth guard, or is he just failing to rise to yet another occasion? My vote was always for sticking him in the pen for seasoning, which could have been planned for regardless of Old Duque's (utterly predictable) condition. But that's not what Omar decided to do.

Is Carlos Beltran healthy?
How are those knees? 67%? 84%? 92%? I gotta know.

Will sandwiches come back to bite the mets?
This of course refers to the Hammy Sandwich and the Ruben, respectively. Can the Mets crouchers overcome their Hammy/Large Head-related health problems to give this rotation the consistent support they need to gel quickly. Will the Gotay giveaway help the Br*ves piss in the Mets pool at some point?

Which "story" will the media endlessly regurgitate more, Joba Drools or Spankee Stadium's demise?
I actually don't care about the answer to this one. Just fed up already. Relatively speaking that big dumb farmboy has accomplished only marginally more than I have at the big league level. And the Spankers new Joe is sure to wear him out just as sure as the Old Joe would have. This is the story I want to hear more about right here. Yankees to Community: Fuck you! Whether it's cheating NY out of taxes, like Jeter, or cheating urban kids out of playing space, like Steinbrenner, the Spankme's are certainly consistent across the board.

How racist are baseball fans?
The New York times polls fans and finds among other things, that there is more support for Roidger than Barroid. Since they are asking unserious questions like who your favorite metrosexual ballplayer is (survey says: Jeter tax cheat and Arod for men) and the polls seem particularly an artifact of the measuring tool here (they asked fans what percentage of players used steroids, a question that no fan has any information whatsoever upon which to base their answer), I have to ask this question to make it into a respectable discussion. Hopefully, respondants' opinions reflect the length of time we have known about the Bonds issue versus the the Clemens issue, and the surliness quotent, and not just the skin color of said performance- enhancer. But I don't know.


How long do we have to put up with this Kruk jackass on Espn?
Rhetorical question. The WWLeader did not get my memo and just keeps adding jackasses to its lineup of talking heads. They add nothing to my experience or knowledge of the game. When they talk, they make it harder for me to focus on my own reflections, thus actually detracting from the experience. And American sports journalism continues to drag its bloody carcass into the night.


When does the MLB price gouging stop?
I believe that children is our future. I spent yesterday watching the Dodgers dismember the sleepy Sawx out here in LA. Spring training exhibition, and still the seats were $50. I went to the gear stand to buy a hat and stave off a sunburn ($28-38!) and when I got their the salesgirls were tittering amongst themselves, surprised that customers hadn't complained yet. "Complained about what?" I asked. The $5 sharpie pens they said. When I got home, I smurfed the web, and planning to see some games and maybe make a little rawhide road trip last night, I looked at prices in Dodgers Stadium and at Shea. Mindblowing, the price it would cost to sit anywhere near the action. Baseball is fun, but $600-700 worth of fun? It looks like a pricing bubble to me. Continual taking advantage erodes trust, and some degree of trust is necessary for the continuation of civilization is all I can say. MLB insists on selling this game as a family game. Which families? The Rothschilds, Kennedys and Gates? At this rate, I expect cigar and money-clip give-away nights to be a common thing in the future. If the cerebral and quietly dignified sport of baseball wants to survive, it will need to compete at some point for the attentions of computer and media addled youth, none of whom, if these trends continue, will have ever been taken to a game to smell the grass and hear the ball pop into the mitt by their parents, who, given the choice between an small economy car or a night at the ball park, may elect for the wheels.

IMFM's 2008 Preseason Predictions

Let the Golden Age Begin!


We here at IMFM do not belabor the obvious, we belabor the ridiculous. So, as always, no long, drawn out multi-post previews of the 2008 season for us. Just straight shootin'. We're just gonna tell you what happens and let you sort out the details. Without further ado...

2008 Final Standings (Editor's Note: I could tell you the final won loss records but that would just blow your minds)

NL East
1. New York Mets
2. Florida Marlins
3. Philadelphia
4. Washington
X. Atlanta (contracted, lack of fan interest)

Mets overcome loss of Anderson and Orlando Hernandez (pictured above) to cruise to NL East title. Former Met Lastings Milledge hits .440, and drives in 300 runs for the Nationals, but it's still not enough. Mets announce 60% raise in ticket prices during September stretch drive. Jason Stark announces retirement in late April.

NL Central
1. New York Mets
2. Chicago Cubs
3. Cincinnati Reds
4. Houston
5. Pittsburgh
6. St. Louis
7. Milwaukee

The curse continues for the Cubs, even playing under the glow of the F*ckdome, and Sweet Lou Piniella spends the bulk of his late-season post game press conferences making snide comments about Willie Randolph's in-game management.

NL West
1. New York Mets
2. Arizona
3. San Diego
4. Colorado
5. Los Angeles Dodgers
6. N/A
7. Barry Zito and the San Francisco Giants

New York Mets cruise to division lead in April and never look back. New Dodgers manager Joe Torre shows up for a weekend series with the Mets wearing his old Mets uniform and is let go, replaced by Phil Jackson. Temporarily committed soon thereafter, Torre is last seen selling oranges and tube socks to passing motorists at the on-ramp for the 110 freeway.

AL East
1. New York Mets
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Baltimore Orioles
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays
5. Toronto Blue Jays
X. Yankees (forfeit season under "more than 6 steroid cheaters on team at one time on team with $200 million payroll" rule)

Surprising New York Mets take AL East from traditional East Coast behemoths with much larger payrolls. Waves of converted Mass-holes rush the field at Fenway and spraypaint the Green Monster Orange and Blue in tribute to their new overlords.

AL Central
1. New York Mets
2. Detroit Tigers
3. Cleveland
4. Chicago
5. Minnesota
X. Kansas City (does not finish)

Tigers look unstoppable early but have to settle for the AL wild card when the Mets pull away in September. C.C. Sabathia, trying to catch Mets GM Omar Minaya's eye, goes 23-2.

AL West
1. New York Mets
2. Southern California Angels of Los Angeles in America
3. Oakland Athletics
4. Seattle
5. Texas
6. Southwestern U.S. Angels of Asinine

Texas wakes up every morning to a dream that it landed Santana, but no one in this division has enough to stop the Mets from running away with it.

World Series winner: New York Mets
NL Rookie of Year: Fernando Martinez, NY Mets
NL Cy Young: Johan Santana, NY Mets
NL MVP: David Wright, NY Mets
AL ROY: not held
AL Cy Young: not held
AL MVP: not held

Top 10 Roughest Mets Enemies' Off-Seasons

Who ordered the pre-season Schadenfreude?

Plenty of big stories to reflect upon this off-season. But lost in the fray over the Mets' tremendous September collapse is that things ain't exactly going well for the members of the Mets rouges gallery either.


10. Derek Jeter. How come none of the other athletes featured in those new sports drink ads have to read the line "every kind of mo"? Answer: it was perfectly tailored for Mr. Jeter. By August, rumors were flying that he did the unspeakable act of giving Jessica Alba herpes. By November, it came out that he was cheating New Yorkers out of tax money, by pretending to live in Florida instead of NYC. Niiice!


"oh god, hold me it hurts so bad"

9. Kaz Matsui has anal fissures, perhaps linked to his ongoing well-publicized battle against hemorrhoids or some other lifestyle choice. Kaz, what can I say, Americans make eating big American steaks look easy. Also, fire your agent, man. Now including Kaz Mat on this list is a bit cruel, since we always genuinely loved him here. But let's face it, he robbed the Mets blind, nearly destroyed Jose Reyes, and sucked the big one on the field.


8. Mike Hampton. Still getting injured. Still amusing. It's unbelievable that the Br*ves are actually getting the bad end of that deal with the cRockies, but its true. Looks like the Mike Hampton fan sites haven't been updated in a while. HahAhahaHahahaaAa!




7. Ok well he didn't get nabbed as much as the other dopes on this list, but at some point adulterer Lawrence Jones' badmouthing of his team mates and other MVP candidates has to catch up with "U Kno Who." Not to mention accusing Arod of steroid use in so many words.

6. The New York Yankees, in general. Seem to have won the whole standoff with Arod, if by winning you mean further demeaning and alienating their best player. This season enjoy the too young or very old rotation take their lumps, but be sure to save some time to watch the decline of Derek "Every Kind of Mo" Jeter. Should also be interesting to watch the inevitable meltdown between Joe Girardi and Hank, two guys who just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

5. The 2000 Yankees, in specific, get a big * next to their world series "victory" when the Mitchell Report named Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mike Stanton, Jason Grimsley, Denny Neagle, Glenallen Hill, and Jose Canseco as big fat cheats. Speculation over whether the Spanks cheated their way to a title has run rampant since then, but one thing is clear: the Yankees cheated their way to a title. Team beverage? Juicy Juice.

4. Armando Benitez

Apparently, major clubs balked at signing this jackass until very recently, when the Blue Jays, a team known for making poor pitching personnel decisions, bit. So assuming he makes the squad, he is a lock to retain his title as the major's dumbest active pitcher.

3. My favorite quote of the off-season: "It is believed that Scott Spiezio was hiding behind this door." (from police report over Scott Spiezio incident on Dec 30)

That's apparently his own wife on his arm. Classy.

St. Louis' fuck-chinned bastard got what's coming to him. The Cardinals promptly waived his ass after just one alcohol fueled night of car crashing, friend beating, and hiding in his own closet from the cops.

2. Andy Pettitte, shown here with his wife, who got out of this without a scratch. His dad? Not so much.

Let's be clear. Mr I-love-Jesus lies to the press, recants his story, modifies it so that it incriminates his own father, and is somehow celebrated as a truthy guy? Andy's snow job is one of the more disappointing things to come out of this whole tempest, but hopefully he'll get some dirty looks in church because of it.



Confirmed drug abuser, and inarticulate actor who plays boxers who insist on fighting with their guards down

1. Roger Clemens. What can you say about a piece of shit like Roger? Now that he's lied to Congress, expect a trip to the big house for Roger. Hey Roger, when your bunkmate violates you that first time, hopefully he won't say he "thought it was the ball."

Off Day Time Waster

Here's the inaugural "Off day time waster" post of the 2008 season. Let's get down to it, irrationally exuberant frenzy-style.

Three things I'm looking forward to:

1. Johan's first punch out.

2. Beating the Br*ves' Old Timer.
A lot of people are calling him Mr. Not-Devastated. I've called him many names. But henceforth, he shall be known by me as 0.1 (as in 0.1 innings, 5 H, 7 ER, 2 BB).

3. John Maine's progress:
I don't think it can be said any better than this.



***
Ever wonder what it's like to catch a major league knuckleball? Jim Caple, charisma black hole, has, and ESPN has produced a video of him dicking around with R.A. Dickey. The video's a bit boring, but if you're looking for a mid-career change, this might be it. It's all about the fingernails.

Forecast: Blogospheric Pollution

For those of you who are wondering, hey how come the internationally recognized blogger/genius behind IMFM hasn't posted lately: How many times do I have to explain to you people, I'm decreasing my carbon footprint by NOT WRITING MUCH OF ANYTHING. My writing was killing the environment. And this blog strives to be as green as the day is long, mostly because I can't afford to drive the environment clean like everybody else.

Maybe I'm suffering from blogger self-loathing.

Or maybe I'm just down about the ecomony.



In recent years, I've come to be of the opinion that the MLB Spring hasn't started until I've forked over my viewing ransom to BIG CABLE for the so-called Extra Innings package. And I haven't yet. And since I plan to waste the majority of my extra time on this team come April, I'm savin' bullets. I am not, as you may have suspected, busy spewing hilarity out of my golden blowhole as writer-actor on a highly regarded network comedy show. I am barely qualified to watch the Office, as I have trouble keeping up with its scheduling.

But be that as it may, I still have a few observations, on this, a day that our old nemesis St. Louis Whitepeople's RedBirds mopped up the Florida grass with our new stud pitcher. Turns out, the only entity with more of an interest in over-hyping the Metsies than the average Metsfan is the MLB. I mean if it doesn't make you a bit uncomfortable to see the Mets listed among the top five lists of which teams have the best defense, teams have the best rotations, the best everyday lineups, best green-estness, and the best BBQ sauce recipes, then you ain't been a Metsfan too long. Anticipation is a dirty word around here since Generation K at least.

[aside: I hope it doesn't turn out C-Delgado doesn't suffer from Alomalaria. You know, as in the old saying, "Alomar spits, but Mo Vaughn swallows."]

Here's some of the other lists the Mets deserve a slot on:

Biggest Semi-secretive Ticket Price Hikes
Sterling Inc. to fans: Just try to do the math! 40% bitches! Whining cause you can't imagine taking your kids to the park? Shoulda thought of that before you had a family you schmuck, say some Metsfans, when they're not trading bonds, enjoying capital gains, or racing yachts.

Oldest, Frailest Group of Players Being Depended On
Of course the Mets couldn't top the Br*ves or Hankees on this one. But I think we've all said enough about it.

Most Bloggers Sent to Spring Training

The Mets have to have this one won easily. One unluckily placed hurricane could have wiped out a good number of our most productive bloggers. Now I don't want to get too snarky since M.C. Cerrone and others actually did quite a commendable job, but jeesh. I am suffering from BLOGGER FATIGUE which is associated with INFO AGE FATIGUE, and CELL PHONE FATIGUE. At least we ain't those insufferable political bloggers may they be engulfed in the flames of their walkmans. In a future posting (not mind you, an "article") to this glorified electronic diary, I might explore the idea of what will happen when we collectively realize that yes, bloggers have ably replaced Old Economy beat reporters and columnists, but we don't get paid. They did, those crusty bastards. Kinda like bussing your own table at McDonalds, it makes you feel good, but not as good as Ronald when he rolls around in the pile of money you just saved him. I'd say more but I have to go buy my toddler a mobile phone (you should see it text message).


"Mommy, my brain feels funny!"

***
Despite all the injuries, the Mets' spring training has to be judged a success based solely upon this comparison. At least this has not happened in the Mets' camp:


Not Miguel Cairo.

John Heyman flushes the Hot Stove toilet once more to see what remnants he can loosen. Turns out Johan had an opportunity to join pAy-Rod as the second best remunerated superstar to fail bigtime in Arlington but demurred. See, he ain't just well groomed, he's smart too!

The 2008 Mets Anthem Search! To be known in future years as "the only way to get a goddamn ticket" competition. I can do it at least as good as Billy Joel at this point.

It's Metsforme World Corporate Headquarters finally received it's commemorative Citifield fan-fuck brick yesterday. And surprise... it's a real $200 brick, like you could throw through Bud Selig's picture window! Quite handsome.

Spring Butterflies

Not to be missed, today's New York Times has an article profiling J-Sant's changeup, which he calls "the butterfly." If you click the link "A study in stealth" there is a great visual presentation of how to tell a change-up from a fastball, and the spin of the ball as it appears to the batter, so you can see what the ball looks like to a major league hitter. With some glue, scissors, construction paper, mailing tube, and time, you can make your own Carlos Beltran pitch recognition machine!!

To see what the ball looked like to me when I played baseball as a child, just look below. It wasn't a butterfly. Actually, this is what I imagined, since I mostly had my eyes shut. Needless to say, I never hurt the kitty.



So uh, talking about how excellent this guy Johan is is making me nervous. Let's talk about little cats instead. Sites filled with funny pictures of cats, such as the one I stole this picture from, really amuse me. I'm not exactly ashamed of this, but I'm not proud of it either. I don't even own a cat. I would challenge anyone who is not a dog to tell me to my face that kitty pictures are not in the top ten of greatest things the world wide of webs has given us. Anyhow, my last two posts, appealing to the literacy of web smurfers (something you could never do on a Br*ves site), and serving up awesome pictures of Billy Wagner and bagels didn't seem to do much for traffic, so now I'm going to the cat.

***
To drive the post's super clever meaningful title home, what Mets fan isn't getting a few butterflies in their stomach, what with all these injuries? Half the team still hasn't made it on the field, and the other has had to be helped off of it. Most troubling, in order: Carlos D-God's hip pointer, and the Delcosian tidbit that CD's hip has bothered him during the winter= not so comforting.

Poor Ruben Go, tay-it-on-the-Mountain looks fucked now that he twisted his ankle. Spring was big for his chances of following the Willie Randolph Elders north, so he can't be happy bout this.

Old Duque is either helping the Florida crew of beat reporters flesh out their submissions, or it is really time to forget him. Pelf pitched a couple more effective innings vs Atlanta today and has yet to acquire an ERA. So that's nice. It would be nice if Pelf could stay "Bat-free." Speaking of which...

Platoon leader Sgt. Ryan Church got his steeple rung, and concussions can be a real. What was I saying? Oh, right. Head injuries are unpredictable, as this blog demonstrates. Again, no one is talking as to why Marlon Anderson set foot on the field that day, although I assume St. Lucie police are investigating.

***
Omar is shopping Show-en-blow and So-So--not sure if this is such a great idea, since relievers never have the same year twice and these guys both left a lot to be desired last year. Letting these two dangle will smoke out the desperate GMs though, and I suppose that'd be interesting viewing. As for Jorge Sosa, I still get a little desperate when the Mets tenure of someone I know was picked up by John Schuerholtz at some point is in jeopardy. Except Mr. Not Devastated off course, but we all know Schuerholtz would never have resigned him.

This year's Rickey Henderson in camp is none other than the Straw man. Maybe Darryl can tell these youngsters about the times when ballplayers took performance degrading substances and still got the job done. Anyway, word is that Mex is bringing his mouthpiece to team photo day.

***
Jose is back, in more ways than one!


**UPDATE** (necessitated by events)

It isn't every day that someone so high up on the Metsfan hate list comes to such a hilarious end. Well, that's not true in the case of John Rocker, but you get my point:

Scott Spiezio and his wife, Jennifer Spiezio, went to dinner Dec. 30 at Ruth's Chris Steak House in Irvine. There, the player allegedly had six Grey Goose vodkas with cranberry juice while his wife drank champagne. After dinner, they went to Ten, a restaurant in Newport Beach, where together they ordered more vodka, food and an energy drink.

Spiezio left Ten alone in the couple's silver 2004 BMW 745 LI. A short time later, witnesses told police they saw the car speeding, cutting across lanes and crossing into oncoming traffic before driving over a curb and crashing into a fence at Campus Drive and Carlson Avenue.
...
Records in the court file say that when officers realized the BMW was registered to the Spiezios, they went to the couple's home, some 200 yards from the wreck, and two floors above Stuart's home.

The records gave this account: Jennifer Spiezio answered the door and said police couldn't speak to her husband because he was asleep, sick with pneumonia. She told them she would check on him but came back a minute later and said she didn't want to wake him.

After police told her they believed her husband had been injured in a crash, she said they could come in but that she wanted to wake him first. She returned crying, said he wasn't in the room and that she didn't know where he'd gone but that they could look for him.

Three officers went inside and couldn't find him. "However," one report reads, "there was what appeared to be a storage closet that we were unable to gain entry into. … It seemed that the door was being held shut from the inside, or was locked from the inside."

Another report read: "It is believed that Scott Spiezio was hiding behind this door."

(link swiped from CSTB)

If I feel the need to commit a crime, I'm pretty sure which municipality I will head for. It gets better, so be sure to read the whole thing. C'mon Scott, you know you can always call Tony LaRussa for a ride!!

While we all wait for Spiezio to come out of the closet, it looks like Wallace Matthews is writing under a clever nom de plume, about a new subject for him: how the Mets are a $145-million boondoggle! While the other bloggers titter away at Mr. Wallace/Matthews transgressions, I applaud his new found artistic freedom and wish him well as he launches into a new faze of his storied career.

Meanwhile, potentially reacting to Darryl Strawberry's addition to the Mets payroll, New York has banned crack-smoking at Shea this year.

Finally, Marty "Pants" Noble posits that Stash was key to Jose Reyes success! Something to keep in mind.