Burning Questions for 2008

These questions burn like Kaz Matsui's nether regions after a trip to Taco Bell.


Why don't they just cover the entire field?

Watching espn's fawning coverage of the rain delay at Spankee Stadium this opening day led me to pose this question. We have the technology. So why just cover the infield and then sit there for a couple of hours and watch the outfield turn into a swamp? And don't tell me the outfields always drain properly. The rats at Shea are out there practicing their swimming, doing laps from warning track to foul pole, but our Brazillian-dollar outfielders can just fend for themselves?

Will the Br*ves ever win a game?
Har.







What did Billy Goat say?
Wagner will be delivering his views during a weekly radio segment on 1050 ESPN in New York. As the team finds itself this season, it seems as though it will have to overcome the needless rhetorical stylings of its closer (of course we shall never know why he said it). Will Wagner's presence finally complete the transition from clubhouse rash to cancer?

Are opposing batters looking a gift-Pelf in the mouth?
Is default-5th starter Mike Pelfrey still tipping his damn pitches with that damn mouth guard, or is he just failing to rise to yet another occasion? My vote was always for sticking him in the pen for seasoning, which could have been planned for regardless of Old Duque's (utterly predictable) condition. But that's not what Omar decided to do.

Is Carlos Beltran healthy?
How are those knees? 67%? 84%? 92%? I gotta know.

Will sandwiches come back to bite the mets?
This of course refers to the Hammy Sandwich and the Ruben, respectively. Can the Mets crouchers overcome their Hammy/Large Head-related health problems to give this rotation the consistent support they need to gel quickly. Will the Gotay giveaway help the Br*ves piss in the Mets pool at some point?

Which "story" will the media endlessly regurgitate more, Joba Drools or Spankee Stadium's demise?
I actually don't care about the answer to this one. Just fed up already. Relatively speaking that big dumb farmboy has accomplished only marginally more than I have at the big league level. And the Spankers new Joe is sure to wear him out just as sure as the Old Joe would have. This is the story I want to hear more about right here. Yankees to Community: Fuck you! Whether it's cheating NY out of taxes, like Jeter, or cheating urban kids out of playing space, like Steinbrenner, the Spankme's are certainly consistent across the board.

How racist are baseball fans?
The New York times polls fans and finds among other things, that there is more support for Roidger than Barroid. Since they are asking unserious questions like who your favorite metrosexual ballplayer is (survey says: Jeter tax cheat and Arod for men) and the polls seem particularly an artifact of the measuring tool here (they asked fans what percentage of players used steroids, a question that no fan has any information whatsoever upon which to base their answer), I have to ask this question to make it into a respectable discussion. Hopefully, respondants' opinions reflect the length of time we have known about the Bonds issue versus the the Clemens issue, and the surliness quotent, and not just the skin color of said performance- enhancer. But I don't know.


How long do we have to put up with this Kruk jackass on Espn?
Rhetorical question. The WWLeader did not get my memo and just keeps adding jackasses to its lineup of talking heads. They add nothing to my experience or knowledge of the game. When they talk, they make it harder for me to focus on my own reflections, thus actually detracting from the experience. And American sports journalism continues to drag its bloody carcass into the night.


When does the MLB price gouging stop?
I believe that children is our future. I spent yesterday watching the Dodgers dismember the sleepy Sawx out here in LA. Spring training exhibition, and still the seats were $50. I went to the gear stand to buy a hat and stave off a sunburn ($28-38!) and when I got their the salesgirls were tittering amongst themselves, surprised that customers hadn't complained yet. "Complained about what?" I asked. The $5 sharpie pens they said. When I got home, I smurfed the web, and planning to see some games and maybe make a little rawhide road trip last night, I looked at prices in Dodgers Stadium and at Shea. Mindblowing, the price it would cost to sit anywhere near the action. Baseball is fun, but $600-700 worth of fun? It looks like a pricing bubble to me. Continual taking advantage erodes trust, and some degree of trust is necessary for the continuation of civilization is all I can say. MLB insists on selling this game as a family game. Which families? The Rothschilds, Kennedys and Gates? At this rate, I expect cigar and money-clip give-away nights to be a common thing in the future. If the cerebral and quietly dignified sport of baseball wants to survive, it will need to compete at some point for the attentions of computer and media addled youth, none of whom, if these trends continue, will have ever been taken to a game to smell the grass and hear the ball pop into the mitt by their parents, who, given the choice between an small economy car or a night at the ball park, may elect for the wheels.