Top 10 Additional Distractions Omar Could Provide Metsfans

Ah, symbolism. Picture stolen from AP and here.

Despite his recent comments, the last thing Omar Minaya should apologize for is "distracting" us from this season. Here are some other suggested actions the Mets GM could take to lift the mood of the fanbase:

10. Lower Citifield ticket prices 20-40%, just like a sale at Macy's, only the product is not useful or desirable
9 . Fire himself at 2 AM on next Western road trip (Arizona will do)
8. Give the first 10,000 fans a complementary Angel Berroa
7. Two words: More pressers!
6. No more call-ups with negative, sad, downer names, like Cancel, Dessens, or Takahashi.
5. Add Branch Rickey Terrace and Pee Wee Reese Pavilion to Citi's Robinson Rotunda for remaining unsatisfied Brooklyn Dodger fans
4. Call up at least two more catchers; fans love backstops!
3. Make trade for Derek Jeter
2. Transform Citifield's kiddie wiffleball court into America's first ballpark strip club
1. Ralph Kiner-Steve Phillips steel-cage death match. Weapons: Kiner gets a chainsaw and bag of urine, and Phillips a lawn chair and chicken feathers

Mets Human Resources Dept. to Launch Investigation into Mets Winning

If you thought the Mets play was ugly, wait til you see the clothes they designed!

We won't know the results of this investigation for a while, or hear Omar Minaya deliver them to the public, or hear Omar and upper management apologize for this delivery, but the investigation is being investigated.

Winning doesn't cure everything, folks.

A lot of people, the SNY booth included, have attempted to resolve the weeks' catastrophe by making the statement that "winning cures everything," as though a lot of this behind closed doors bullshit would only be a minor distraction if only the club were winning. Well, winning doesn't always cure anything. Take right now for instance. The Mets have won 4 games in a row vs. ostensibly better teams, and yet they are still more than 10 games out of first in the NL East and 5 games out of the so-called "wildcard." No amount of short term success could disabuse Mets fans of the sickening notion that the team they love is a hopeless joke, run by tone deaf morons, and trapped in a system of deleterious nepotism that leaves all paths to progress barred indefinitely.

Rather than work the trade deadline or try to figure out why his entire team happens to be injured, or just release a blanket apology for all his lack of a plan has done to this team, Minaya decided to spend the week living down his pointless, rambling discourse on a franchise cancer who probably should have been 86'd a long time ago and a beat reporter for the team, who decided, access be damned, to write a story that embarrassed the management of the club he apparently once considered joining. Winning doesn't cure that.

Mets COO (Clueless On Organization?) Jeff Wilpon needs to get the hell out of the decision making chain. If and when Omar finally falls on his illiterate sword, Jeffy needs to get dad to hire a strong, articulate man or woman to run this team based on strategic planning and competent scouting. Jeff himself can dedicate his time to figuring out why the field he is responsible for does everything but shoot heat seeking apples out of a top hat canon to prevent face-of-the-franchise David Wright from hitting homeruns.

Perhaps it isn't Jeff Wilpon we should blame, but the insidious, all powerful "human resources" department that Omar mentioned repeatedly the other day. Who is this shadow organization and are they the one's actually running things for Sterling Inc? Was Omar just trying to signal the outside world to send help? This team's executives could be at the mercy of HR, and we'll never know.

The team's injured players? Don't worry about them--they still have time to design hideous clothing for that treasured demographic of people who have no taste and still care about the Mets--but don't count on seeing most of them in 2010 either. Carlos Beltran's bone bruise is somehow no better--yet he is pushing to get back on the field (yay!). Maine is going for another opinion. And I don't know why anyone talks about JJ Putz, designer of the patriotic duck hunting jersey shown above, in the context of the Mets.

Meanwhile, the scrubs playing for the Mets now are having a nice run of luck, getting the breaks and bounces, and giving us something to do while we wait for 2010.

Berna-Bizarre! Top 10 Unreported Tony Bernazard Attacks

Fully clothed former Mets VP of Player Development minutes before an attack.

Everyone knows that in his time with the Mets, Tony Bernazard brought a much needed macho lunatic perspective to his job as guardian of the club's mostly barren farm system and special consultant on hiring, firing and office party planning for Sterling Inc. But what is less widely known are the many instances in his private life when he has challenged the world to do better. Here then, are some of the most notable Bernazard belligerencies:

10. Accompanied by his son, Bernazard attacked Mets third base coach Razor Shines during a spring training game when he interpreted Shines' windmill motion as an offensive hand sign.
9. Challenged then NY Senatorial candidate Hillary Clinton to "bake off."
8. Naked, save for strategically placed pasties, Bernazard out-danced entire cast of Sha-na-na... when he was only 12!
7. Performed "razor blade" dance of death ritual with Hugo Chavez.
6. Kicked Girl Scout Troop 14 table over when informed of Thin Mints sell out.
5. Challenged Lenny Dykstra to pie eating contest for sitting in his booth at Countytown Buffet
4. Lashed out at local Long Island business media when they covered the failure of "Los Loaves" his Latin-themed bakery start-up.
3. Dismembered pet Yorkshire Terrier who wouldn't "take him seriously"
2. Screaming "what don't you f**in understand" at "f*cking amateurs" for distracting him during takes on the set of Terminator 5.
1. Removed pants and wrestled bear to a near standstill on picnic date with Jeffrey Wilpon.

Break Up the Mets!!

22 runs. Young pitcher successfully appearing. El Otro Duque, all full of craft and guile. Safety squeezes and triples, oh my. Johan Santana not carted off with a detached arm. Wow, what a series. It doesn't get better than this, and what's more, it can't get any better than this.






Livan in full wind-up.













Yeah!














If you got to Minute Maid, two words: club level. The food service in the rest of the park is confused and inefficient, but club level is a little better. Club level seats are padded and roomier, and there is waiter service. Pictured: beef nachos with everything.








Sad Astro mascot-varmint.













Being a fan of a team losing to the Mets is lonely.













Special "Stub Hub" seats for fans that win a contest. They take 10% of your popcorn before you eat it and 10% after you finish.











Michael Borne after David Wright fufills my wish of seeing a ball hit up onto that silly hill.












They opened the roof right after the Sunday game for the sake of the grass. The guys tending to the grounds can't appreciate this--it was 95-105 degrees if it was 20.









***
In the How Bad Is It? file:

Rickey Henderson temporarily escaped his legendary solipsism on the biggest day of his life to comment on Jose Reyes' problems.

Niese and Easy

More pix from my Amazin' trip to Houston.





A-ha! There's a mention of Enron!



















If you sit behind 1st baseline, expect to be blinded by the setting sun for a half an inning.

















The man.













For sale.















Who doesn't love this little guy? Going on another patented "Omir Tear."











Texas folks can't resist poking fun at the ferner.
Kaz plays along but his longtime fans know he dies a little bit inside each time they ask to film another gag.













Ha.














Astros mascot caught gorging itself on the flesh of human children.














God talks to Luis Castillo.







Houstonians are generally genial, and though unremarkable, OJ Park is a decent place. So I hate to be negative. But this guy is the worst fucking usher I have ever seen (HE "WORKED" THE AISLE BETWEEN 127 and 128 tonight). That is a "stop" sign in his hand. Dude if you are reading this, you SUCK! Do your fucking job, it's easy enough.





To explain the above photo a bit, ushers at many fine and thoughtful parks limit fans from trouping down the stairs during at-bats or even during innings. They make you wait at the top until play is completed. This is awesome. Unlike ANY OF THE OTHER MINUTE MAID USHERS IN VIEW, the douchelord above, however, let people continually stream down the fucking isle, providing views like this (actually worse since they would block the view of many big pitches).






Nancy did indeed, agree to marry him. I'd have my doubts about this guy, especially with Jon Niese in attendance.












This is, I swear, the 200th picture of Wright I took, trying to capture him hitting a home run. He did just that on this swing, and it towered. Professional I am, I surprised myself with my emotions.






***
Can you name the 2009 player with each injury? No cheating! (I sure as hell can't.)
(one is more a general condition than an actual injury, just to keep you on your toes)

torn meniscus in right knee
right calf tendinitis
right hamstring strain
little bitch
Bone bruise, right knee
right shoulder discomfort
extreme elderly-ness
Fractured left pinkie finger
Holey swing
Torn right quadriceps
ignorance and immaturity (in the left knee)

***
Today...the exciting finale!

Hampton, Matsui, Keppinger Star in Mets Game

The humiliations never cease. When Mike "School Systems" Hampton drove an 83 mph Johan Santana change up (?) out of Orange Juice Park tonight, I knew there was no (baseball) god.

Why throw a good hitting pitcher a change up meatball? I dunno, but then I'm not a highly remunerated star pitcher for the NY Metropolitans. I am also not qualified to coach third base for said baseball club, but clearly, neither is Razor Shines, who in the game's other highlight, sent Frenchy to certain doom to be gunned down by the Astros' mouth-breathing right fielder, Hunting Pants. Metfan fave Frenchy, who from where I sat, swerved at the last instant to avoid a full old-timer-when-men-were-men style collision with a de-roided and much deflated Pudge Rodriguez, thus not scoring what turned out to be a very important non-run. Francouer got "pantsed." With the scarce few Met players actually rounding third base these days, Shines is just plain meticulous in the way he squanders runs. He has no instincts for his job, routinely getting them mauled at the plate by 10 feet if not 20. He is like an activities director at a cliff-side camp for Lemmings. But that's old news.

This all happened and...I was there. Just like the humiliation last season in the series against Houston, and just like the failure at Dodger Stadium this season, I was there in person to drink in the massive, cascading, abysmal failure. Defensively it was a typical Mets game with misplays and mental errors galore, Murphy and Santana both threw away balls that I don't think led to runs but were hard to watch. But our best pitcher (who's declining performances have yet to raise even the slightest alarm amongst the Mets crackerjack training staff) gave up a decisive home run to a charter member of the Mets rouges gallery, the hated, beady-eyed traitor Mike Hampton. Hampton sucked, but unfortunately, Santana sucked louder.

If there is ever someone in the history of human life who hit more patented double play balls than Fernando Tatis, I remain skeptical. Tatis hits into double plays when there are two outs. There is precisely no reason for him to be on a major league ball club at this point in time. When Tatis bats, if he must continue to play, and there is a man on first, that runner must attempt a steal on the very first pitch if the Mets are to avoid being doubled up.

Some images from the game:








Rare, and suitable for framing.












Batting average can tell you things about a player.













Yep.













Just one more kick in the crotch.












It's not Omir Santos' fault the Mets don't surround him with supporting talent.











Keith doesn't know what to think.














The Mets' stars stare in the direction of the space where Johan just flipped the ball instead of tagging the runner.










The Mets have a better chance in the Battle of the Bands contest than they do of winning a single game of this series.

Washington Mets Season Down the Drain

Holy Funkinwoopdeewow! Wally Matthews is right on the money! It's that bad!!


A-rod enjoys a recruitment session with Tony Bernazard.

There are no wins.
There are no trades.
There are no prospects.
There are no worse teams.
There are no job openings.
There are funny videos.

R.i.p. ya shirt off and enjoy the following...


Incoming!! Stolen in the name of laughter from Amazin Avenue.



As to which one of these beauties takes top honors by the end of the year (oh so many many games left), no one can tell. Daniel Murphy's play has the style points, the lunge after he knows he's going down. But Francouer's entry stands out for the way he immediately starts chasing the ball after he ducks it. Tough call.

In any event, to keep the chuckling coming, please review the treasure below. There is something about baseballs that Frenchy just can't touch. Push the button!!

Ah It CAN get worse

I would only be mildly surprised if Jose Reyes returns with a peg leg.

Ugh. Sports Illustrated is trying to stay in the game by flinging some outrageous rumors, now that Erin Andrews has stolen the sporting world's attention (Not the awkward Espy's from last night).


We can't be stopped.

ITEM 1.
Mets general manager Omar Minaya and manager Jerry Manuel have been reassured by club higher-ups that their jobs are not in jeopardy, league sources told SI.com.

If you're going to do this, Fred/Jeffy-poo, at least keep it a secret.

Of course, the Mets can't even put out a coherent rumor, seeing as the media is batting this one all over the place. If this turns out to be true, it just confirms what we suspected: the Mets will blame injuries entirely for this season, not Omar's winter bumbling. It certainly reminds me of the way they announced Omar's extension in the middle of its second straight regular season collapse last year. It's like they're trying to demoralize the fan base.

ITEM 2.
Jon Heyman of Sports Illustrated reported that the Mets had rejected a deal that would bring Blue Jays ace Roy Halladay to New York in exchange for Fernando Martinez, Jon Niese, Bobby Parnell and Ruben Tejada.

If you're going to do this, Omar, at least throw yourself off of a bridge.

The Mets rejection of a trade for Roy Halladay, if not complete bullshit (and it may be entirely phony), could end up eclipsing Omar's dumbest moves, because of the following points:

*Halladay is not a rental, he's signed through 2010, and Omar has been able to work out extensions in the past. This is Omar's only strongpoint, trading when it falls in his lap and cutting checks.
*If the Mets think they're getting Reyes and Beltran back among the walking before their contracts are up (and really, that's anyone's guess), then by their own logic they'd see themselves as competitors for 2010. So uh, if Halladay will waive his no-trade and consider an extension, then why not make the team better?
*Are the three guys anywhere near major league ready in this deal interesting prospects? Sure they are. But when you can get a pitcher like Halladay without fending off the Yankers and Sawx (I feel the Jays wouldn't trade him within their own division), you have to do it. Structurally, this is the same as the Johan deal, except for the Phillies. Boston and the Yankers are probably content if the Jay ace goes elsewhere. And nobody else has the same awful spending habits.
*Perhaps most importantly, if the Phillies land him, the Mets are toast til 2011. If he signs an extension another generation of Mets fans will watch the Mets be unable to even win their own division. If the Mets aren't a player, then they have to hope the Phils look at the NL East and realize they don't really need Halladay.
*It's only money, and it's not mine.

Sigh.

Paging Nelson Doubleday, or "Can't Anybody Own This Here Team?"

This is a post that isn't afraid to point the finger. Sadly, attacking Fred Wilpon isn't as in style as it once was. Since he wrestled the team from Nelson Doubleday in 2002, I think enough time has gone by to evaluate the Wilpon regime. And, since the Mets are in a hole that they won't be digging themselves out of until 2010, we have some time on our hands.


This is the only picture of the former owner of the Mets I can find on the internet, and it gives an idea of how reclusive the guy has become since Wilpon has taken complete, disastrous control over the Mets. After Fred Wilpon and his dreams of Ebbets field finally stole the Mets out from under him with dirty dealings, collusion and legal maneuvers, Doubleday disappeared from the scene.

At least Doubleday was a hands-off owner, leaving the work of building a team to people like Frank Cashen. Sure he might or might not have made some ignorant remarks, but "only when he was drinking." The Wilpons, by contrast, have their hands in everything. And they know nothing about baseball or hiring personnel who know anything about the game and are good at their jobs. Art, Willie, Jerry. Case rested.



They have to go. But they won't.

Under their ownership, Wilpon and his lil' squirt (who is slated someday to take complete control) have given us many memories that we could discuss, like:

How they gave Tom Glavine, a four-year, $38.5 million deal.


Let the Br*ves celebrate their players.

The bone-headed trades of top prospects such as Scott K*zmir and Lastings Milledge for literally nothing.

The firing of Bobby Valentine, not Steve Phillips, who continues to know nothing about baseball.

Countless head-scratching long term deals given to aged, broken down veterans.


Julio Franco's steel-reinforced cake.

They let Willie Randolph manage the team, perhaps because they didn't want to spend money on a real, experienced manager, then they ruthlessly fired him at 2 AM somewhere on the West coast, embarrassing everyone.

The building of a new stadium (Jeffy's Job) with obstructed views...for the television network, a fawning celebration of the Dodgers that leaves Mets fans irate, a home run apple that doesn't go up when it gets the rare opportunity, walls painted black(?) and built to a height meant to stifle the production/career of the Mets only remaining homegrown star, and a bullpen that looks like a concentration camp, all named after a leader in bringing the great depression back to the US, who borrowed money from the taxpayers so that they could continue to reap outrageous profits at our expense. The ultimate symbol of the Wilpon's tenure?


"I made this!"

Also, this:



Or we could let some more pictures tell the tale:










Next year's crop of stiffs for the rotation?

The people Wilpon hires to manage the Mets only talk about plans when they first are hired. There is no plan...for baseball or an organization that is devoted to baseball. Now, for a price gouging sports entertainment complex, there certainly was a plan (not a very good one, but a plan nonetheless): build a second-rate stadium on the public teat and watch their investment grow. The conclusion I have reached is that they, the Wilpons, are the problem. Having done the real estate deal they always dreamed of, and driven the team that occupies the real estate into the ground, the Wilpons need to do the right thing and step away. In seven years they have given us one decent season, one that ended when Carlos Beltran forgot to swing. I think it is fair to say they have failed miserably as owners.

Evaluatin' the Revoltin' Metropolitans

The beginning of the end (photo swiped from the Daily News).

I haven't been motivated to post on this lousy team. I started about 3 posts then lost interest. Judging by the comments section, so have my readers. This blog was created in bad times to provide on-line comedy to go with the on-field tragedy. But the yuks are few and far in between.

If you're looking for symbolic low points, the Ollie vs. Lowe face off has to be a contender. Omar's dumbest move by far, set out neatly so that no one could miss it. Frank the Closer walking in Mariano Rivera on the occasion of Rivera's record setting whatever has to be there for shear symbolic humiliation. And, in the near future, the coming, almost inevitable nadirs will no doubt include Pedro Martinez no-hitting the Mets as a Phillie. No one will be watching by then, but still.

Today's win over the Br*ves was nice I suppose. That Johan didn't get lit up alone was soothing. I watched it in Spanish, the only feed available in Los Angeles, which made the Faux broadcast strangely tolerable. No, I do not speak Spanish. My impressions are the following: Angel Pagan and Alex Cora would be nice backups on a contender, when not injured. It was scary to watch David Wright's ankle get turned, but who isn't expecting him to go down soon? After Gary Sheffield refused a ride on the Atlanta injury pick-up truck last night (cue banjo music) and hobbled into the clubhouse under his own power, I figured there was only one man left standing. Friday night's drubbing also left me thinking its time for Big Pelf to stop coming up small, and spend some time in the minors learning how to get batters out.

***
MLB prides itself on its internet video presence. But its pages are damn near unnavigable. Just try finding the recap video (the one you'd want to watch first rather than piece highlights from both teams together yourself) linked anywhere near Marty "Pants" Noble's game descriptions. To find the videos even, you have to go through the scoreboard page to get to the shared recap (both teams) page, and even then the main recap doesn't always turn up. And what's with the tiny tiny picture in the middle of a huge black space? The MLB website is run like the Mets; with seemingly no forethought or obvious ability.
***

The Mets accomplishments thus far basically boil down to the successful job retainment skills of Omar and Jerry, and the fans crunching their way into the record book via potato chips. The Mets brass must have been excited to see the ill-informed preseason prediction polls as to which team would have a successful year, but everyone knew that last season's make over was not nearly comprehensive enough.



If you want to catch up on your mid-season reading, Adam Rubins' article is as good a place to start as any, as it condemns the medical staff's approach, something I've been hoping to see addressed by the media in more detail. Rubin claims that Mets players are comfortable with the doctors, its the way the organization uses the docs input that has them steaming, off the record. Beltran is said to be pissed. As for JJ Putz:

Putz, who ultimately underwent surgery last month to remove a bone spur from his right elbow, had been told by team doctor David Altchek weeks earlier that he needed to immediately have the spur removed, a team source said. Instead, the Mets advocated a cortisone shot. Putz went 0-2 with a blown save and 7.71 ERA in 10 subsequent appearances before needing the procedure anyway.

One question that I can't understand is, if Altchek knew about bone spurs a couple months ago, did this problem develop sometime between the winter and then? Probably not. So who examines players the Mets are looking to acquire? Dr. Who? This guy?

I don't have enough information to make credible comments about the Mets' medical malaise, but I do have enough evidence to start to be pissed.

Too many bad apples?

This season is particularly hard to assess. One approach says that the Mets continued failures are symptomatic of the people the Wilpons have charged with planning and executing the Mets strategy. Outside of calls for Minaya and Manuel's heads, attention is starting to fall on other suspects, like Mets VP Tony Bernazard and Trainer Ray Ramirez. The Mets front office is filled with bad apples, and some say fire everybody.

Another approach says the fire sale needs to start now. Of course, with Shef going down yesterday, there really isn't that much left to trade. Fernando Martinez has now had surgery so even if Omar wanted to he couldn't move him. And I have no confidence in this regime's ability to identify young potential talent in any event. But Pedro Feliciano is certainly unnecessary on a team such as the Mets, and may bring a modest return. This team needs a lot of starting pitching, and if I'm planning for the future in Citi, I would think about stockpiling as many 2-3 starters as possible, in contrast to stockpiling 5-6 starters as Omar prefers. Even though this year is a lost cause, if the right deal comes along for an 1A or a 2 or 3, I say jump in with both feet and maybe the Yanks and Sawx will cancel each other out again. What else is there to do?