K-Rod Petitions League for Nickname Change: "I can't take the comparisons with that douche across town" says save-master

It took him two whole days, but Slappy McPay Rod finally hit upon a coherent story for the media, and the biggest surprise was that Roidger Clemen's wife was not even involved!

Turns out, you see, Alex took steroids because of the weight of the world and the pressures of that big contract he decided to sign with that dipshit Tom Hicks' Texas Hicks.  Still no word on what drug Hicks was taking when he got taken for $252 million.  After 7 years in the big leagues, Arod claims he was driven (to ingest some substance he didn't quite catch the name of) by the powerful forces of naiveté!! During his tour of confession, brought to you by MLB network, Arod took time out to make some baseless accusations against Selena Roberts, the reporter who will one day be able to claim credit for knocking Arod out of the Hall of Fame. Because at a time like this, every fallen star knows that your public will judge you by: the way you admit your sins without taking responsibility, your use of the passive voice and obfuscatory pronouns, and the manner in which you graciously share the blame with others.

When is an athlete going to just come out and say: "I took steroids because I decided to cheat"? Or "I cheated real good but since I got caught I want to tell you I'm real sorry."

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I think the question on every Met fans' mind--no it's not "Did Mookie Use?"--is in fact, does this in any way rehabilitate Steve Philips, who famously pulled out of the A-Rod sweepstakes claiming the numbers 24 and 1 led them to this terrible baseball decision?

No my friends, it does not. Phillips is still a dirty piece of shit. And if you were weakening and considering cutting him some slack, you'll thank me for steadying your hand when you have to endure his shtick on ESPN broadcasts this year. 

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Another interesting tidbit: If Clemens and Arod are any indication, Roid users seem to like muscled, manly women.  While I research Barry Bonds' girlfriends on the internet, I'm looking forward to Madonna's comments on the Arod Admission. 

One down, 104 more admissions to go!

Omar's Mission Accomplished: "I outbid myself!" $36 million for 10 cent head.

Nothing good ever came out of the Texas Rangers organization.  

Oliver Perez is not only the most inconsistent, overpaid, only-occasionally-prepared-to-pitch dunderhead on the Mets staff, but he is also the most maddening Met pitcher to watch since The Human All-Star Break Steve Trash-hell.  I am honestly not happy to see him re-signed, not just banging on the side of the tub to get attention here.  It's Minaya I came here to bury anyway.

This off-season I have turned on the Mets GM for good.  Faced with pressing needs, and repeatedly failing parts, he put all his chips on one (or two) "the Closers" and welcomed essentially the same old team back into the clubhouse.  Yes, while actual fans of the NY Mets gathered and begged for Manny happy returns, Doh'mar instead threw a couple million on top of the already too big pile for Perez, and declared victory over the off season. Why? Scott Bora$ told him to. The market for Manny is echoing the US economy, Dunn is available without draft picks, and all Omar can say is "mission accomplished."

There's no plan here. There are too many Mets looking to hide among trees when it comes to crunch time, and all those guys are still in your starting lineup, with no additions.  You don't return the same chokers back to the field without changing a few offensive ingredients and expect to keep your job.  But then in most organizations, you wouldn't be re-upped on the eve of your second (or third) horrible collapse (who's counting) either, so what do I know? We can only hope that the Phillies got worse and sign Moises Alou in that order, because this is not an improved Mets club. 

Where's the big bat?  There is none. Where's the back-up plan in left? Are you lost?

Plan B at first base when Delgado is really done?  Wrong team, pal. Injection of dynamism in a lethargic, folding chair of a team? Do I know you?

So while lil Jeffy and Fred lawyer up to fight Congress over the Citi naming rights deal and decide whether to charge $11.50 or $14 for a Miller Lite, little do they know they have just sown the seeds of their own demise. With a chance to get Manny or at least get creative, they hid behind their quasi-competent GM and kept payroll the same this off-season. You know, they still have to pay Willie and all.

Well, Ollie, that's a fine mess we're going to have to watch for the next three years.