K-Rod Petitions League for Nickname Change: "I can't take the comparisons with that douche across town" says save-master

It took him two whole days, but Slappy McPay Rod finally hit upon a coherent story for the media, and the biggest surprise was that Roidger Clemen's wife was not even involved!

Turns out, you see, Alex took steroids because of the weight of the world and the pressures of that big contract he decided to sign with that dipshit Tom Hicks' Texas Hicks.  Still no word on what drug Hicks was taking when he got taken for $252 million.  After 7 years in the big leagues, Arod claims he was driven (to ingest some substance he didn't quite catch the name of) by the powerful forces of naiveté!! During his tour of confession, brought to you by MLB network, Arod took time out to make some baseless accusations against Selena Roberts, the reporter who will one day be able to claim credit for knocking Arod out of the Hall of Fame. Because at a time like this, every fallen star knows that your public will judge you by: the way you admit your sins without taking responsibility, your use of the passive voice and obfuscatory pronouns, and the manner in which you graciously share the blame with others.

When is an athlete going to just come out and say: "I took steroids because I decided to cheat"? Or "I cheated real good but since I got caught I want to tell you I'm real sorry."

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I think the question on every Met fans' mind--no it's not "Did Mookie Use?"--is in fact, does this in any way rehabilitate Steve Philips, who famously pulled out of the A-Rod sweepstakes claiming the numbers 24 and 1 led them to this terrible baseball decision?

No my friends, it does not. Phillips is still a dirty piece of shit. And if you were weakening and considering cutting him some slack, you'll thank me for steadying your hand when you have to endure his shtick on ESPN broadcasts this year. 

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Another interesting tidbit: If Clemens and Arod are any indication, Roid users seem to like muscled, manly women.  While I research Barry Bonds' girlfriends on the internet, I'm looking forward to Madonna's comments on the Arod Admission. 

One down, 104 more admissions to go!