Oliver Perez Sparkles: Lefty Has Another Fine Outing, Finally Reaching Potential
Oliver Perez Must be Designated for
I am sick of writing or thinking about Oliver Perez, who after giving up like 50 homeruns and single (left) handedly losing last night's game against the hated Florida Marlins, it seems, finally blew so many starts out his ass that even the Mets' brass has to take notice. So let's take the time instead, to send out a little !@#?&* You to his agent Scott Bora$, who, in winter 2008 in an effort to trick Omar Minaya into another idiotic move, once penned a book in which he compared Perez to Randy Johnson, Sandy Koufax, C.C. Sabathia, Cole Hamels, Ted Lilly and Johan Santana. This book was
divided into eight chapters that include[d] such headings as: “Perez Turns Corner in 2006,” “Perez Is One of Baseball’s Top 5 Left-Handed Starting Pitchers,” “A Rare Young Left-Handed Starting Pitcher Available on the Free-Agent Market,” “Big-Game Ollie,” and “Durable Ollie”...“Perez Eats Innings,” “Dominates on the Biggest Stage,” and “Perez Beats Up on Mets’ Rivals in 2007-2008.”Remember this? As Morris Day would say, "don't it make you mad?" At the time of the resigning, I ridiculed the book and the idea that resigning this jackass would lead to anything other than doom, but like anyone, I continue to cope with Omar's deal with humor, bitterness, then rage and occasional blackouts.
In the old news department, Lenny Dykstra just zoomed by Operation Shutdown and Moo "Foxy Lady" Vaughn as the most pathetic ex-Met of the last 30 years. Being a loser is an art form for Lenny, but then again, he was a Phillie. Based in "West Los Ageles," Dykstra is still trying to cheat innocents out of money, but he is reduced to selling his own "Basaeball History" memorabilia. So if you're interested in being snookered and possibly raped in a sad, sour smelling LA apartment complex with an eviction notice stapled to its front door, by all means respond to Lenny's Craigslist ad.
Jeff the French finally found someone he could give hitting pointers too, apparent Mets fan and latest Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.
"First of all," he continued, "I'll say that she's choked way too far up on the bat. It looks like the lower hand's kind of too much over, knuckles need alignment. You can tell she's gripping the bat way too hard. She's not going to be able to get it there.When informed of Frenchy's critique, Kagan reportedly wondered who the hell Frenchy was to criticize either her approach to hitting or smiling.
"The stance is not very good. Her feet are kind of open here. That's not going to make for a real good, powerful stance. Smiling at the pitcher is probably not a great idea.
"I do like how the head is turned. Her shoulders are nice. She's balanced. But it's not a very strong stance and you can't smile at the pitcher or you're gonna get hit. You're gonna get hit."
When told that she is a Mets fan, Francoeur shifted his position. "Is she?" he asked. "Well, tell her I like her then. Tell her she's got a good stance."
Better ideas than signing Oliver Perez for 3/$36 million.
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