It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Public Service Announcement Regarding John Smoltz (Spoiler: He Eats Babies and Hates Freedom)
Don't sign the Turner-ator!

This team is trying to drive its few remaining fans away, if they're seriously considering signing John Smoltz. It's just a tasteless end to a pathetic winter.

I could stop with the above picture. Or I could make a rational argument.

But I shall do neither. See, I hate John Smoltz. I tried to google some images with "Smoltz and Satan," but all I could find was my own posts of yore. This season is likely lost, and it will take a hailstorm of healthy and perhaps a last minute tornado of signings for this team to yank itself out of its tailspin. Even if that happens, the management will find a way to fuck it up. So even though some reasonable fellows might applaud if Smoltz doesn't spurn Omar like the rest and signs some kind of incentive laden contract with the Mets, I hate Smoltz and don't think we should have to suffer this desecration just for the small chance that he'd make a contribution. He's 42 yrs old and most likely washed up. Is he really going to make this team marginally better, and at what karmic cost? Do the Mets really need to give him one last laugh at their expense?

Admittedly there's not much of this organization left to defile, but give us a break.

I don't even want him soaking his probably soon to be injured body in the hot tub with the other Mets.

Other than fucking the Mets up real good for years on the field, Smoltz is known for his religious fanaticism. He apparently doesn't believe that marriage is worth sacrificing for, but he feels comfortable saying things about gay marriage like: "What's next? Marrying an animal?" He's a hate-fuck. And I hate him.
I hate that he never got caught with steroids.
I hate that he has been photographed with Jeff Foxworthy.
I (now) hate the accordion.

Do you need some reasons to hate him?

Love the environment? Smoltz hates the environment. Why else would he pitch Scott's Lawn care products, which are so un-green they kill bunnies and will eventually drown your grand kids.

Love having religion forced into your sports? Are you ready for Faith Days at Citi? Isn't Dave Matthews bad enough?

Why do you hate John Smoltz?

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  • At 7:10 PM, Blogger springsandra said…

    I was reading my mets news feeds to catch up on today's stories and had just turned to my husband to say "I don't want John Smoltz on the mets" when I flipped to your post and could not stop laughing at your headline alone. You are hysterical.

    As if you didn't know... but I'm telling you again anyway.

    I hate John Smoltz. Can we please stop picking up the Br*ves' sloppy seconds? Or everyone's sloppy seconds? sigh.

  • At 12:09 PM, Blogger Jaap said…

    Surely the Mets can always use a guy who burns himself ironing a shirt he is wearing...

  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger metsfanincincy said…

    John Smoltz ia a bald headed chicken fucker. There, I said it.

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    bald headed chicken fucker? I respectfully disagree. I still say he's a baby eating freedom hater. Or a nun tripping livestock molester. But chickens? That's just going too far.


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.