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Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me at:itsmetsforme@gmail.com or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, January 25, 2010

IMFM Exclusive: Mets GM Admits to Lighting in Bottle Drinking Problem

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Forced to account for his baffling acquisition of Gary "Dishonorable Discharge" Matthews Jr. last week, Mets GM Omar Minaya broke down today and admitted he is being treated for substance abuse, namely, the high that catching "lightning in a bottle" can bring. After a few minutes trying to convince reporters that Matthews had "some good years" and "some drop-offs" and is a "change of scenery guy" and "had 50 RBIs last year," Minaya dropped the charade and admitted the truth that insiders have known for years.

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Minaya recounted the story of how he came to suffer from lightning in a bottle addiction shortly after taking over the Mets in 2004. "I just tried a sip of Jose Valentin, the 2006 vintage, then it was on to Tatis '08 (a very good year) and I was hooked. I had also started to mess around with Chad Bradford, Endy Chavez...I thought I could turn cheap players into baseball gold. When I re-upped Marlon Anderson, my doctors said that's when they knew I had a problem." Minaya hid the doctors' diagnosis from Mets ownership by telling head trainer Ray Ramirez directly and unequivocally that he had a problem, sending a singing bear candy-gram to Jeff Wilpon, and then taking out a full page banner advertisement on Mets.com.

In the end, Minaya's addiction eclipsed any faculty he may have once had for major league talent evaluation. Ironically, it is Minaya who just needs of a "change of scenery," which he plans to get at an unnamed upstate rehabilitation clinic. Reached for comment, former Mets manager Willie Randolph said, "when he gets out [of rehab], the champagne will taste that much sweeter." For his part, sometime Mets pitcher Oliver Perez was thought to welcome the addition of a player of Matthews' contract size, and the pressure it would take of off Perez and Mets second baseman Luis Castillo, but he could not be reached for comment or found in general.

Asked by the media why he chose to come clean about his problem at this time, Minaya then read from a prepared statement, which is the only way he can get through a public speaking appearance these days. "I just got sick of recycling old spare parts and bad ideas and wondering why I get the same disastrous results every year," Minaya said through tears, "and I want to announce that John Ricco will take over whatever management responsibilities I still had left while I lobby for treatment for this addiction."

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3 Comments:

  • At 6:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

  • At 11:09 PM, Blogger Jaap said…

    I agree with whatever Anonymous said above. And additionally, hang our heads low - if you were writing a parody of front office management these are the signings you would make up. A sitcom; every week's episode could include another "formerly" retired player who returns to baseball after an extended absence so Minaya can sign him. Yes, and it's called Yes Minaya Can or No He Didn't and there can be cameo appearances by team cancers teams pay other teams to take off their hands or even guys who have had their pitching arms surgically removed but have learned to throw with their feet, etc. Make it happen!

     
  • At 11:23 PM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    so you're saying, "The one where Omar signs Jeff Kent who lost his knuckles in an incident 'washing his truck'" is a possible episode title.

    this blog is #1 place for Koreans and Chinese to peddle their fine penis enhancement products. I need to nurture this market.

     

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