Mets Should Make Sheets Happen, Give Wang Some Play

I'm a novelty blogger. It helps me do my job if my team, the NY Metropolitans can, in any way, said to be entertaining. The past few years have not been entertainment so much as they have been vessels of incompetence flying through a shit-storm of injury and excuse. Even the dumbest among us Metsfans now know that there is no plan, in the front office or elsewhere, that guides this organizations' actions. So that is why, on the eve of giving up on the 2010 season (yes, it's that bad), I present you with my last minute, We're !%*&? DOoMed Off-Season Plan: sign two injured pitchers with extremely pun-able last names.

Where are we now, and how have we come to this point? Arguably, the best decision the Mets have made so far this winter was made by Bengie Molina, whose delicate sensibilities were offended by the lack of additional years in the Mets' contract proposal. (Also, though not as widely reported, the Mets refused to design a feeding bib into their home jerseys.) Thanks to Molina, the Mets now have some extra cash. Plus, they have waited out the starting pitching market brilliantly so that there are few choices remaining to add to their dogshit rotation. In other words, Omar Minaya has kicked and kicked and kicked the tires, and then had the tires run over his feet as the car peels out of there to any team not located in Flushing. Now we fans and bloggers need something to do while we wait for Jason Bay's first MRI of the season. Here's my two-step plan, better late than never.

Dear Mr. Minaya,

Please do this stuff I am talking about below, ya know?


王建民 once showed serious talent, and he doesn't mind humiliation and probably already has real estate in New York city, thus meeting all major criteria for being a Met.

The case for Chien-Ming Wang. His agent Alan (Fiddling while Juan Gonzalez Burns) Nero says Wang "has worked very, very hard and is in the best shape of his life." Good enough for me. Plus, if Wang was able to recover and make it back to the Mets roster, this move would energize two pivotal fan constituencies: the Taiwanese (numbering at 22,920, 946) and Mets novelty bloggers (about, uh, 1 or 2). You're telling me the Wilpons aren't going to be looking for any fans they can get in a month or two?



The Mets brass will be happy to know that Sheets, shown here doing his best K-Rod moves to show up the opposition, is open to playing in meaningless international tournaments that jeopardize the success of the professional team to which he is contractually obligated.

The case for Ben Sheets. Intrigue. Is this guy's arm going to fall off? I have to know. The Mets need to sign him and find out, because, as you can see from this quote, he knows what matters:

I believe I can pitch the way I used to," Sheets told ESPN.com last week. "Hey, Chris Carpenter came back and was dominant. As long as I believe I can do it, that's all that matters. Watch, I'll show 'em.

Hell Yeah!

Last year, the Mets broke tradition and depended on pitchers who every last one of them went down to injury. I say they need to go back to the old ways, and acquire or sign already injured pitchers. "Injury certainty" you could call it. This would, among other things, firm up Nelson Figueroa's calendar. Also, Ben Sheets NAMED HIS SON AFTER TOM SEAVER. (Uh, "Seaver," not "Tom," which I guess would've been easier.) What more do I need to say?

Mr. Omar, we Mets novelty bloggers need this one. Thanks to your chronic mismanagement and propensity to make constant verbal blunders, we haven't had to work very hard to come up with "funny" criticisms, and as a result, have become fat and complacent (whoa, don't try to sign us, Omar, it's just an expression). As the larger Mets blogs have come to increasingly take themselves oh so seriously, often while becoming increasingly bitter towards the media (where bloggers get most of their content by the way) savvy enough to extract payment for their services, the blogosphere needs the healthy balancing that minor, nearly unnoticed novelty sports blogs bring in both modesty and irresponsibility. Adding these two players/surnames would go a long way towards helping this lonely electronic diarist achieve precisely this balance. Otherwise, I will have to spend most of the spring rehashing Molina quotes ("A lot of teams were not, like, into me."...bwahahahahahahahahaha!).

So please, do the right thing Omar. Trading for Gary Mathews Jr. was a good start. But now you must sign Sheets and Wang to huge guaranteed contracts. That or run with my other really good idea, and install major league baseball's first in-park MRI machine in the Citi home run apple. An entire industry is depending on you.

regards,
I.M. Forme

P.S. could you forward this to John Ricco, just for the hell of it? Thanks.