It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Contract the Marlins!

Marlins fans take in the sights on a typical game day.

It's Billy Marlin's birthday.

Fuck Billy Marlin. Contraction may no longer be in style, but now that the Tampa Bay Rays are tasting success I think it's time for the MLB to trim its sails in Florida and do the right thing for baseball: contract the Florida Marlins. Do their fans a favor and rid the world of the Fish. Time to admit that teal is not an appropriate color for a major league baseball team, field sobriety tests not the challenges that MLB player's should be rising to, and firesales are not a legitimate strategy for operating a franchise. McDonald's doesn't let anyone serve RatBurgers (at least pure rat), why should MLB let the Marlins sell baseball?

The author poses with his new catch, and a big dead fish.

The two main functions of the Marlins--their position as top farm club for the rest of MLB, and their eminently funny and poetically appropriate names ("That play was Uggla," "And he Cantu make the play")--are no longer enough to justify this club's continued existence. And, let's face it, the Marlins aren't "contenders," they are just fucking up the field for the Dolphins.

This week I have been making the case which I present in full for you today, arguing for the contraction of the boorish, malcontent, infantile AAAA franchise Florida Marlins. This is a half-assed franchise, and some of their young players deserve better than to be treated as merchandise in a discount shoe store. Others at least deserve to be sharing a bunk with Elijah Dukes in the NL East's premier holding tank for criminal ballplayers. Any random success the franchise has is yet another black mark on baseball, as you can intuit by reading the writeup Baseball Prospectus 2008 (pp.184-7) offers about the dark history of the Marlin's scummy, Yankee minority stakeholder stained ownership.

They play on a football field with no roof in South Florida!!
They have employed Al Leiter and Paul LoDuca... twice!
They owe their history to former Yankees owners!

Today's Mets beatdown couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Pitcher Scott Olsen is the face of the Marlin's franchise: a true asshole, known for physical confrontations with teammates, flipping off fans (how did he find any?), drunk driving, being tasered by police, and other things that asswipes do. The guy, like many of his teammates, is a cocky, emotionally damaged dickbag and as such, gets some coverage by espn:

The bad behavior was affecting his teammates. On the field, Olsen was gaining a reputation as a cocky guy who thought he scared opponents, when in actuality all he did was motivate them more to beat him. He once called out Phillies second baseman Chase Utley in a game, invoking the wrath of Utley and his teammates.

The wrath of Utley? Heavens.

Why is this team of punks--children of Miguel Cabrerra all of them-- so personally offensive to me? you might wonder. Let's look at some handy evidence from this series. Calling time in the middle of a pitchers wind-up, and then bitching about it when the ump ignores you. Running out to inflame a brawl when your name is Mike Jacobs and you owe Pedro Martinez and the the Mets your professional career. Waging a personal campaign to dishonor the position of second baseman. These are all in a day's work for the Fish.

To be honest, my campaign takes extra motivation from having to endure the idiocy of the Marlins broadcasters, in fact the Marlins would just be another 3rd division team below my radar without exposure to these tools. Is anyone else watching FSN Florida? The so-called "Extra Innings" (cable) package drives me nuts with their hometeam broadcast non-sense. Instead of SNY, I continually get the Fish Feed, with their insufferable announcers and high-school level camera operators. The dipshits in front of the microphones sputter inanities until the pit grows in my stomach and I have to turn the volume off. But that still doesn't relieve the suffering since, at least once a game, I shit you not, the cameraman zooms out and loses the ball during a play, then scans the entire stadium looking for it!!! So it drives me insane that the Extra innings "chooses" the broadcast of a team with no fans when the Mets are a national team with a top notch broadcasting.

So I say contract the tools in the FSNMiami/Sun booth first. As I have often chronicled, the FSN Miami dopes give nicks to the most undeserving of ballplayers. "Jake" is their nickname for a career minor-leaguer who starts at first base. "Hammer" for a guy who has never topped 26 homers. Indeed.

[It may seem like a small complaint, but I am suffering emotional and psychological damage here. Is anyone else in this boat? Can I start a petition drive? Do I have grounds for a lawsuit? I am interested in hearing what any baseball fans with legal backgrounds or organizing experience have to say.]

I honestly don't know how the Marlin's handful of fans stand supporting this team. I am really fascinated by the idea that the Fish have any fans at all. It must be tough.

Cody Ross, former rodeo clown, current MLB clown.

That Cody Ross episode yesterday was symbolic of the teamwide lack of class and small-man syndrome. There is no way to imagine that Pelfrey was trying to hit Ross, yet Ross started barking at him like he was more than a journeyman with a large babyhead who used to be a rodeo clown. (Click that link--Cody Ross has his own fan sight!! Unbelievable, I guess people in Florida don't all do meth or follow Nascar as a hobby) Worse, Mike Jacobs, who literally owes the Mets his big league career, was out there acting tough. The Marlins pull this stuff every year late in the season: remember Olivo's pointless overreaction last season? How can anyone root for these guys?

The Marlins team is filled with malcontents and immature punks with no respect for the game (Ross, Ramirez, Olsen, etc.) who are embarrassments to baseball (Uggla). Though he was in decline, the Fish signalled their commitment to becoming the Nationals of the NL East South by getting rid of Dontrelle Willis, the team's one shining hope to have a respectable posterboy. What's worse, even though management dealt All-Star Fat Lazy Slug Miguel Cabrera in a lopsided deal partially in an effort to try to deal with the bad karma (how else to explain this move?), this team's culture seems to be feeding on itself. If you're a young player with no positive example and no one to look up to (other than say, steroid freaks like Paul LoDuca, Pudge Rodrigez, or Luis Gonzalez), you can't possibly be expected to become a good citizen. How can you build your character when Scott Olsen is always calling you for bail money??

To summarize, the Fish suck and need to be contracted. And, in the end, Marlins fans might appreciate this more than anybody else--they have to listen to what can charitably be called the worst TV broadcast team in all of baseball, their management trades away any and all marquee players, and their owners don't care a wit about them. Even the cameramen on FSN are incompetent!! Finally, I read the Marlins are toying with raising ticket prices on the few fans they have!!!

I'm a Metsfan so I know something about suffering, but I can barely endure watching the few games with the Marlins that I must every year. Anyway it was fun beating them today.

Labels: , ,


  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…


    Are all you Mets fans the same? Considering you are officially the biggest choke artists of all-time, maybe you should worry more about September than the Marlins.

  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    that's all you got, waxes privates?

    as you're one of the few marlins fans out there, i was hoping for more.

  • At 2:44 PM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…

    For more what? Juvenile posts? I know we are shit out of luck. You don't see me tormenting other teams.

    We did more with $23 million than you guys ever could. Also, there is a whole month left in the season....more than enough for a repeat choke job.

  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    the high road, eh? i could've sworn a wax something came on here yesterday to taunt me. must be some other marlin's fan.

  • At 5:27 AM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…

    You taunting the Marlins is like me doing posts about how shitty the Nationals are.

    BTW, Cody had every right to be upset since it was that same giant oaf who hit him like two weeks ago.

    I don't think it was intentional but it doesn't mean he has no right to get upset.

    Also, Cody's power numbers are almost identical to Beltran and he has 100 less at bats and costs us a lot less money. Give Cody the same at bats as Beltran, and he puts him to shame.

  • At 6:52 AM, Blogger katherine said…

    I am completely fascinated by the fishing trophy photo. Is that really you? Which of those two men is you?

    Secondly, I think I understand the Marlins and their broadcasters. My opinion is (Don't get mad, Wax) that all of their bad behavior/bad broadcasting stems from a terrible inferiority complex. It really must be upsetting to have so few fans in such a big city, and to have your best players traded away. To have your Manager of the Year fired at the end of the year.
    If that was me I would hate the well funded big city team, too!

    And I agree with Wax that Cody has the right to get mad even if he knew it wasn't intentional. Maybe MADDER if he felt Mike was just being careless! But more likely, as you suggested, he was just trying to fire up his teammates. Like Francoeur did last year when Pelfrey hit him. Actually Pelfrey seems to be in the middle of a lot of these things! I heard he was smart, but he does LOOK like a big, dumb country kid.

    I am ashamed to admit I get a huge thrill out of those bench-clearing incidents. And the Marlins announcers did have a point, WHAT was Ollie doing? But, really, it was very endearing that he was so upset on behalf of Mike. It made me hope they offer Ollie a contract for next year.

  • At 8:21 AM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…

    Thanks, Katherine for proving not all Mets fans are brain dead.

    I am sure being an announcer for the Marlins is a pretty grueling job. Consider you have to pretend to be happy with management and some players who just don't belong in the Majors.

    I too was upset when Joe Girardi was let go. I was furious when M. Cabrera came to camp looking like a blimp. I die a little inside any time I see Kevin Gregg warming up.

    Also, despite being called a Homer announcer, yesterday Tommy Hutton was talking about MVP consideration for David Wright.

  • At 8:51 AM, Blogger katherine said…

    Wax - if it is any consolation, I listen to a lot of different teams' announcers, and the fawning man-love for David Wright is ubiquitous. Actually, I would say the Mets' announcers are the only ones who seem immune to it.

  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Actually, the prepostorous Beltran-Cody Ross comparison aside, I kind of like the Waxer's fightn' attitude.

    Why should Pelfrey take care not to hit Cody Ross? Who is Cody Ross? Nobody. Ross is a fringe player on any other team, barely belongs in the majors. As a centerfielder, he makes a great rodeo clown. If it was the old days, Ross would get many more "careless" pitches for his bush league behavior--upside that huge babyhead noggin. Then he and Scott Olson could share a bottle of mommy's milk to calm down later.

    Katherine hit the nail on the head as to why the fish are so compelling--they have the hugest inferiority complex from top to bottom, but they also suck! That they act with such a sense of entitlement ("playoff contender" har)and don't know they suck is what's funny. The only half decent character guy they had was D-Train--i don't know how he put up with the other wankers.

    Ironically, what's keeping the Hutton and the other goof from being thought of as professionals is the way they gloat when the Fish actually go ahead. Also the fact that they are dense nobodies who announce a team with no fans, but I digress.

    Sorry Katherine I can't reveal my trade secrets about the picture.

    Anyhow, my heart was in the right place, trying to bring Marlins fans joy by contracting their team so they could be free to follow the Rays!

  • At 9:56 AM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…

    A fringe player with 19 home runs and 63 RBI in 380 at-bats? Sorry, that just goes to show how worthless and overpaid Beltran is.

    And what's the obsession with Dontrelle's character? Did you forget about the DUI for pissing on the street in plain view of a cop? Dontrelle was just as bad as Olsen and both should be gone.

    In 2009 with Johnson, Anibal, Miller, Nolasco, & Volstad....we will win the division without having to buy it like you guys want to.

    Remember, it's Sept. 1 and the Phils are one game behind you. What's that I hear? It's the sweat trickling down your fat, oily, pizza-stained cheek because you guys are known for choking.

  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger Jaap said…

    I wonder if that fish photo isn't Hunter S Thompson?

    I believe Pelf DID hit Cody Ross intentionally - Ross made like he was going to charge Pelf the last time he was hit. What's a half pint like him going to do against a 6'7 gooner like Pelf? And rightly, for trying to show Pelf up, Pelf plunked him again. That's baseball, right or wrong.

    I don't care to psychoanalyse why those two muppets masquerading as Marlins broadcasters are such annoying twats. But they certainly form the most annoying broadcast team since Don Sutton and anyone he was ever paired with.

    Of course, Rich Waltz is a champion douchebag and clearly a Joe Buck wannabe on top of it which probably qualifies him as clinically insane anyway. Bring back Roxy Bernstein any day!

    Wax Heaven, I can certainly emphathise with the horrors of being a Marlin fan on the one hand but on the other hand, if you live in Florida, perhaps that's where the trouble begins with. The South. Blech.

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Only here could I draw the heckling of one of the few remaining Marlins athletic supporters. I posed similar questions about the Marlins on the high quality blog Fishstrips yesterday and got only head hanging and foot shuffling.

    It's true, Waltz and his buddy are the league's worst, save Don Sutton "plus one."

    If for nothing else, I admire Dtrain for managing to piss in front of a cop in a moving car and get a "Driving Under the influence" citation, as you describe. That's quite a feat. Hell where's the fun in pissing in public if there's no cops around? Plus, I never saw Scott Olsen's Boys Club commercials.

    It would take a Marlins fan not to appreciate Beltran, since they have no idea what defense looks like.

  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Wax Heaven said…

    I don't make stuff up.

  • At 9:50 AM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    all right, all right, you win.

  • At 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Marlins are currently 11-2. That speaks for itself :) I believe the Mets are no where near that. Sorry buddy.

    GO MARLINS!!! <333

  • At 7:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Man, Mets, in retrospect, you must feel pretty foolish, huh? We got rid of Dontrelle and what does he amount to? Cody Ross is a what, a journey man? Well, he's having a very good year...
    And where is that Beltran you mentioned? Hell, where is all the money your team invested this year? Oh, that's right, injured. Old ass Gary Sheffield doesn't even want to play for your team!
    I absolutely don't dislike the Mets, In fact, the only team I really don't care for in the NL East is the Braves. However, I sure as hell hate fans like you. Hanley Ramirez is an embarrassment, and has no respect for the game? You clearly know nothing about the Marlins, so please write about them less. Also, I'm glad you enjoyed winning that game, 'cause we knocked you out of the postseason.

    Also, didn't we take Paul Lo Duca from YOU the second time around?


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.