It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Beltran Knocks Fish out of Water

This post was almost titled "The One That Got Away."

The psychological torture one must endure to watch this team seems to grow with every passing game. I hate playing the Fish because that means a better than even chance I'll have to endure the Fish Feed, the broadcast equivalent of involuntarily listening to some dipshits public cell phone conversation. It is unforgivable that Major League (so-called) Extra Innings package would carry the SUN Sports/FSN Miami feed of the game. It can't be a conscious choice--the SNY booth wins Emmys, features knowledgeable former MLB stars, and provides incisive analysis while Tommy Hutton and Rich Walz (in matching outfits no less) have probably never won an office pool between them--to go with the network tweedledee and tweedledumbs who can't even draw fans to their stadium much less their broadcasts. I practice singing everyday in my shower, but that doesn't mean I deserve a national audience.

With their infantile style of broadcasting, characterized by over-familiarity with the players, idiotic nicknames like "Hammer," lame ill-informed homerism, and lack of anything interesting whosoever to say about the game of baseball, this bozos need to be kept in South Florida broadcast hell, not imposed on an unsuspecting national crowd. The Marlins--from the football stripes on the field to the announcers to the biannual ritual dismemberment--class all the way.

Marlins broadcast team in happier times. The village is missing two idiots, Sun Sports!

These guys just don't seem to be qualified for anything above the level of cable access shows with lavalamp designs and unexpected elderly nudity. For example, Hutton and Walz , untroubled by exposure to the division in which their team plays in, worried aloud at the awesome power of Aaron Heilman who, it turns out, has shut the Fish down a couple times this year, one of his most miserable. There was one high spot of the night's broadcast in the 8th, when the field reporter detailed tomorrow night's Florida transportation department-sponsored promotion at the Fish stadium, raising the interesting philosophical question of which is worse, receiving a ticket for not buckling up, or winning two tickets to a future Marlin game?

With news that Phils had already lost, life was playing into the Mets strategy. Just wait for the Phillies to lose their way out of contention and face the Fish on the field--not a place where fish are notable for their prowess. But when the Mets fell behind in the 3rd on a sacrifice fly that scored the pitcher, the viewer stress started to mount. They could go two up on the Phils, and all they have to do is best Chris Volstad.

But this is the Mets we're talking about. The third inning was dreadful. Reyes' dumb-ass error on PITCHER Volstad's weak grounder in the 3rd was temporarily mitigated by something I'd never seen before: Carlos Delgado more or less successfully fielding the ball and throwing it to second while a runner is in his field of vision. Nevertheless, a short time later, PITCHER Volsted would score the go-ahead run. When playing the Marlins, one is supposed to wait for them to make the crucial error (on the famous "Hit it to Uggla" strategy, more later) not gift them with your own.

Other sources of tonight's angst festival?

Usually, Ollie likes to get his money's worth when he loses. The Oliver Perez walk show made for unpleasant viewing, but it was an L that Ollie actually wouldn't have deserved for once. But tonight his offense sputtered. Actually it didn't even sputter it drooled. After whacking Volstad around the park in a appropriate manner the first frame, the Mets went super meek on his ass, actually reversing Volstad's pitch count at one point as Superman would have to fly backwards around the Earth to do. I mean the top of the order was as lame as the bottom of the order. Church's style at the plate can only be described as "concussed." Daniel Murphy has mostly abandoned the patience at the plate thing for a swing at everything approach. Cody Ross and his big stupid head tripled in the 6th.
Cody Ross ain't cried so hard since paw had to put his pony down. An he ain't been so low down since that cheerleader made fun of his spurs and big baby head.

David Wright, up with the bases loaded in the 7th down by a run--the pivotal point of the game-- probably should have been called out on 0-2 but thanks to schizo home umpire Jerry Layne's remarkably mobile strike zone, he was able to strike out on 3-2 instead. I believe FAIL is what they call that on the interwebs. David just does nothing for me lately.

Does Carlos Beltran hit anything but infield squibblers anymore (again in the 8th)? Nubtran? No nickname suggests itself. Even Tatis, the clutchiest member of the current club, could manage no more than a big fly to right. A reborn Murph the Hitting Smurf helped calm me down with a nice single to right advancing Nubtran to third. Then Jerry Manuel made the redoubtable decision to pinch hit Brian (Mr. Offense) Schneider with the less popular less successful rook, Nick Evans, and then with Endy Chavez the hitting Bambi, who then sealed the Mets' fate by weakly grounding out to the pitcher, something we know Schneid could have done without all the delays.

[begin interior monologue]

Sheet, this is not the Mets night: even the "Hit it to Uggla" strategy failed. If you can't hit it past Uggla, as Reyes tried in the 9th, then you can't win. If hitting it to Uggla doesn't win ballgames, I don't know what to believe in anymore. But with Wright and Castillo aboard with two away in the 9th, Kevin Gregg, he of the sunglasses at night, hits Delgado with a pitch. Bringing up...

Carlos Beltran, who on the first pitch smacks a grand slam. Holyfunking whoopdie wow!!

How improbable: Mets deliver with the bases loaded like fish ride bicycles.

Wow, what a relief! Sigh. Finally, its over, merciful heavens its over. You pays your money and you gets your rewards.

But it isn't over. No, I forgot one thing. That's right, the Mets have no serviceable relievers who are qualified to pitch baseballs to the Marlins in the bottom of the 9th. Oh yes there's that. In walks Luis Ayala. Somewhere John Franco is chuckling.

Two outs, two runs later, and no thanks to Ayala really, the Mets preserved their improbable victory and gave all of us Metfans familiar indigestion.

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  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    I actually felt sorry for the Marlin's announcer when Gregg gave up that homer to Carlos. I have never heard an announcer make such a pointed statement about a player. Remember? He said something like, "He CAN"T be the closer anymore, it's too demoralizing for the team". I thought he should have added, "and for the broadcasters, too"

    Honestly, how horrible must it be to be a Marlin or a Marlin announcer? No fans, no stadium to speak of, and now they're 7 games out. YAY!!

  • At 3:05 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    I remember that, I thought that little tirade against Gregg was unprofessional--i was surprised to hear a broadcasater talk like that bout a player--don't they let those jokers in the clubhouse to face the music?

  • At 3:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Actually Marlins ratings in Miami on FSN are up a lot this season. Saw that in local paper a few weeks back.

    And saw this today...

  • At 2:40 PM, Anonymous The Infamous Tatiana said…

    I don't know what is worse. Your idiotic rambling or your spelling errors.

    Regardless, I made it through this post(barely) and have only one thing left to say.

    Irony is a beautiful thing. It is ironic that the team you demoralize in every way is the same exact team that threw your beloved Mets out of the post season. Again.

    See you in 2009, love.

  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    Well, Tatiana, it is bad that our team lost, but I would rather be a grieving Mets fan than a dopey uneducated doofus, talking about someone else's spelling errors, who obviously does not what the word "demoralize" means. Don't use such big words if you don't what they mean, Tatiana.

    The idiocy of that actually makes me feel better.

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger katherine said…

    Sorry, I am having a hard time letting this go.

    I have been thinking about the amazingly crazy sadness of this Marlins fan's actions:

    a. trolling through METS BLOGS, and getting all hurt and pissy over something mean she read about her team.
    b. saving the link to the post she read in AUGUST in case she could respond to it vengefully at the end of the season.

    Who are you, the Madame Defarge of the Marlins ?? Except, web sites, in lieu of knitting needles?

    Why go around reading Mets blogs if it bothers you that much? I know we Mets fans are by definition masochistic and self-flagellating, but that really takes it to a new level.

  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Katherine, I was surprised to see this too, but I imagine this old post might be getting some renewed attention in the coming days.

    Marlins fans are a sad lot so I don't even know if its worth it to go after them. Their best chance is to get an opportunity to spoil so they can gloat and their fans can cheer that. Their team is full of little man syndrome AAAA guys who hope to get picked up by a team that can half fill a stadium some day. They can only motivate themselves when it comes to spoiling other team's playoff hopes. Their owner couldn't care less. They have traded away or lost every single star they have ever had: Beckett, Penny, Pavano, Willis, Cabrera, etc. Their star shortstop complains that he doesn't get enough attention. Their club heroes are people like Al Traitor Leiter. They have a fish as a mascot. Their broadcasters are idiotic. Their Rodeo Clown is also a human clown. As I have argued, they need to be contracted or moved to a place where they can attract fans away from the lures of auto racing and hate crimes. So I feel too sad for them to really mock them.

  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous The Infamous Tatiana said…

    Katherine, the word 'demoralized' was not used out of context. Google it if you must, perhaps you will learn something new.

    Also, I came across this post today and decided to comment on the fact that a man (assuming you are a man, itsmetsforme)that hates the Marlins so greatly, had the opportunity to get to the post season spoiled by them.

    The point of the comment was simply to make clear that the Marlins aren't as horribly pathetic as he believes.

    I am sorry that you lost. Truly. I could care less who makes it to the post season. The Marlins didn't make it and my alternate team did (the Cubs). So, it didn't make much of a difference whether the Mets or the Brewers made it.

    Again, the comment wasn't left to gloat. There isn't much to gloat about. Being a spoiler isn't worthy of a trophy. Simply just wanted to comment on the irony of it all.

    Be positive. There is always next year.


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