Jerry Manuel's Wicked Web of Deceit

Jerry to media: "You can't handle the truth!"

What do these statements have in common?

Castillo will be starting at second base tonight
I'll give Eddie Kunz a chance to be my closer.
I will get Pelfrey more rest.
We have to shake up the bullpen (right before sending Heilman out to close again).
I didn't get tossed from that game while Willie was still the skipper because I wanted his job.
Aaron Heilman will never touch another baseball while wearing a Mets uniform so help me.

(ok, the fourth one was never said, and I may have imagined that last one)

Did you guess "Lies that Jerry Manuel told the media and didn't even try to pretend that they were true"? Then you guessed right! If these are trial balloons then they are filled with duplicitous hot air. The media is only starting to realize that they can't believe a single word out of the Gangsta's mouth. Looking forward to how the Mets' new media strategy pans out.


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John Maine thinks about last night's performance against the Astros.

How sad did John Maine look last night? So sad that only the Daily News could muster the strength to make a "sink the Maine" pun their headline. It was a stressful game to watch, for fans, mostly because the Phils had already beaten the useless Dodgers earlier in the day. Also because Brandon Backe (who can only beat the Mets it seems) is the *%$# anti-Christ. Here's a few less-than-comforting phrases I glean from the article about Maine:

lingering discomfort
gut it out
arthroscopic procedure

With the Mets starters already pitching their arms off to avoid handing the ball to the shitpen, how does this bode? And with off season surgery now looming for one of the three starting pitchers the Mets have under contract, can Oliver Perez start counting his Wilpon money?

***
Asking questions to start sections is a lame trick. But here's one more:

Q: Is SNY slowly shitting away their fan loyalty by doubling up on those infernal D*** J**r Ford commercials? Would any Met fan by a fucking Ford at this point?

A: As sure as Fernando Tatis hit 2 grand slams off of Chan Ho Park in the same inning against the Dodgers on April 23, 1999, SNY is devaluing their broadcast with this flash of hell every break.


Jeter:"How am I gonna fit these ladies into my Fusion?"
Ladies: "Ooh, it burns."

Sure many of you probably doubt that Jeter ravages America's starlets in the back of a Taurus; Fords are what Jetes feeds to his other cars you say. But I dunno, I think Jeter wants a ride to match his haircut and his STDs. Watch the loathsome shortstop of the third place AL East team pimp himself at the hilarious "blooper reels" at J*ter TV. Sample hilarity: Jeter: "Wanna see why the Ford Edge is the hottest new whatever to hit the street?"In all this, the question that most bothers me is: what have we come to when they are producing behind-the-scenes clips for the shilling of regional car dealerships?