I went to Minute Maid Park and all I got was a Lousy Heilman Groaner (with Photo Essay)

Worth the price of admission: A hilarious segment run on old friend Kaz Matsui, secondbase man and leadoff hitter for the Astros. The guy just does not seem to have anyone looking out for him, like an agent or something. Kaz' leadoff bomb against Pedro: not so hilarious.

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It was a great game. If you're an Astros fan. Believe me, I was there and those folks were stoked. If you were a Mets fan, well, it was fun to see Ty Wiggington and Kaz Matsui I guess.

I was concerned when Pedro let the pitcher go Backe... Backe... Backe on him; that's never a good sign. It was an exciting game turned sickening when the Mets hit the 2007 replay button and pulled another shitty series game one out of their crappy stupid heads: shitty RISP hitting (bases fucking loaded with no outs=nothing), dumbass managing (leaving Aaron Hellman in, or having him on the team depending on your perspective), and an awful no good just terrible bullpen. On cue, Aaron Heilman got whacked around the OJ park, and put a point on it by adding another devastating dinger to his resume. You "Heilman is great in the second half" types can go jump, the Mets got 2 or 3 decent weeks from this sad sack. God he sucks. How is it that Jerry Manuel knows that the Dark Knight was "too long, too long" but not that he left Hellman in "way too long"? But I digress.

It was fun to visit Minute Maid for the first time. There were some extremely amusing pictures to be taken because, newsflash, Texans are weird.

Outside establishing shot. Thank god they closed the roof as the temp was in high 90s with high humidity.

The view from the first baseline was mostly blinding sun for the first inning or so.

"Hey, I got an idea," someone must of once said, "let's build a stupid hill in centerfield so we can risk the health of our multimillion dollar players on a regular basis."

I noticed Houstonians seem to know the words to everything. The national anthem (never seen so many people sing along). Some strange 7th inning cowboy songs. Then I realized they were cheating.

Notice the subtle homage to Fenway here?

Choo choo! The train runs about 400 feet from center to right, then sits there until they think you're not looking, and slowly backs up. Also, it's full of giant fake oranges. See centerfield hill, above. Or compare: acquiring Miggy Tejada the day before the Mitchell Report drops. See a pattern?

Ho boy. Why do I always sit behind the targets? Actually this guy was well behaved.

The roof. I could not get over the roof. It kept us from being on fire.

Gieco. They're everywhere.

There he is fan boys. Actually, Houston fans hate Beltran as much as Mets fans love Wiggy. Go figure.

Come to the park and see Jose run (on the right there)! And get his ass thrown out.

I shit you not. In Texas, they race Hummers on the video screen. Hummers! It would be cheaper to race battleships or space shuttles.

Either Minute Maid is extremely friendly to its deaf patrons, or the announcer really needs a lot of prompting.

Here's the game they play with the fans. This girl hands out these rings, while another doof irritates the hell out of everyone by blowing a whistle.

Yes that's him. And he has a point on his head...

which fans can try to get the ring on. Great fun.

Houstonians are pissed that the Wilpons stole Carlos Beltran, imagine how they'd feel if they knew they stole the Citifield Fan Walk idea too.

No, that is not the Mets bullpen viewed from a safe distance outside the stadium, it's free Friday post-game fireworks!!

Random game notes:
*Live and in person, Pedro very much looked like he was tossing batting practice. I mean the HR he gave up to the pitcher Backe, fucking soared. Don't have much confidence in him to be honest, and I was counting the pitches to 80.

*Hotdogs. Not so good. I guess it's a good thing Minute Maid went into the juice business (and I am not talking about Miguel Tejada) because they suck at other food. Food line was run by some border line retards and I missed the first half inning (and KazMat's dong) waiting for them to get their shit together. They did have some decent beer.

*Houston fans: very well-behaved. Working theory: they are really damn fat, too fat to scream obscenities, throw shit, hassle visiting fans. The only complaint is that when they stand up, they blot out the field of play/sun/moon, etc. I am not being anti-large people, just stating cold hard (and fat) facts.

*And they hate Beltran more than many Metsfans do. Beltran was roundly booed everytime, and unfortunately, he came up pretty small.

*Aaron Heilman sucks and I hate him and I can't believe Omar couldn't find some fucking fresh arm, or just another loser reliever. Anybody but who we have there now.

*From watching the psyche-up video on the stadium monitor before the ninth, I'd say Alverde is way too "passionate" for a closer with a mid-4's ERA. I would like to see him get battered very much. It's so sad that every team needs to try to make a scary video about their closer with heavy metal music and loud graphics.

*Stop the Presses!!