Break up the Mets!!

Wow, how bout them Mets?

That last series with the (c)Rockies sure was something! The Mets are among the hottest teams in baseball going into the break, so hot in fact, that the break was a real bummer for Mets fans. Surely even the hacks at the networks responsible for broadcasting Major League games would notice this team rising from the ashes? Unfortunately, no one told Jon Miller and Joe Morgan they were broadcasting from Shea and covering the suddenly-contending Mets, and they spent a good deal of the Sunday night broadcast discussing the wonders of the Yankees. I thought to myself, "ESPN, America is sick and tired of the Yankees. They can slap a mustache on a steroid cheater, but they can't fool baseball fans." I didn't know what I was in for. Let me elaborate.

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If you can't sit still as I present the following random, if aggravated, thoughts on the Faux Broadcast of the All-Star game, here are what I think to be the main themes. They will be slightly familiar to my reader(s).

Joe Buck is anti-Christ.
The Mets were disrespected.
Fuck the Yankees. Really.

I tried not to watch this production, having sworn off baseball for the week to get other things done. Also, I was not the least bit curious as to how the American League would win, or how the dolts at Faux would fit the enormous Yankee Stadium member into their mouths for the purpose of broadcast fellatio. And, when I thought of how the "winner" would have home field advantage for the World Series thanks to Bud Selig, I could summon only anger.

But I admit that my rage against the actual Mets players has dissipated and I have come around to the idea that the Mets--particularly Reyes, Santana, and Beltran (Wright to some degree too)-- were sorely disrespected this time around, leading to a slightly baffled rage directed at the NL manager and the Fan Voted All Star game itself (how exactly did people in various parts of Bumfuck outvote the less jaded fans in the greater NY metropolitan region?) So, unable to contain my curiosity over whether Daveyboy Wright had made it into the game, I tuned in to what I thought would be the end of the game, and lo and behold, it was only the 5th. Shit, I thought. I watched a while, then switched to something actually entertaining in the 8th after Big Game Billy Wagner shat away any potential Met World Series home field advantage, an episode of "The Wire". Damned if that game wasn't still on when I was turning off the dvd player.

Clint Hurdle is a new entry on my idiot list.

My hackles were raised when it came to my attention Hurdle thought he could talk down to Golden Boy. Gimme a break, your cRockies lucked into the final round last year where they were drubbed back to little league, so you can condescend to one of the top young players in the league?

"I spoke to David Wright," NL manager Clint Hurdle said after the game. "I told David, 'You were the last pick. I went and got you. Have you ever pitched in an All-Star Game?'

"I said, 'You wanted to be in this thing. That's all I've read, all I've heard for the last three days. You won't believe how much you might be in it here real quick.'

Who does Hurdle think he's talking to? What does it matter what the fan vote said? Unless you're blind, you respect Wright--let one of your shitty altitude-aided cRockies position players pitch. Fuck you Clint.

Now I was reluctant to vote for them when it counted, but the parts of the game I watched mainly served to raise my Mets Nationalism to a fever pitch. Who are these guys? Kinsler? Huh? Upon sighting Cristian Guzman, I thought this is some kind of bullshit. You can play over David Wright (reigning Gold Glove, 70 RBI, slg .499 etc.) by doing nothing other than hitting .313???? I think the Washington Nationals' mascot was more deserving of the token National spot than this guy. And yet Wright had to beg his way on to the team. And a ROIDER-CHEAT soon-to-be-has-been Miguel Tejada over Jose Reyes, who at most has been accused of ingested too much pop before bedtime? But the kicker and I mean the kicker has to be...

The fuck was Dan Uggla doing at an All Star game? Particularly one that Reyes and Beltran didn't qualify for?


Dan Uggla's hands, actual size

Even before his 9 errors I wouldn't trust Dan Uggla to catch his flight to suckville, I thought, fondly reminiscing over how many times my blog has traveled on Uggla's coattails: "That game sure turned Uggla!" I know Carlos Beltran could play second better than Uggla (he'd play really really deep). The MLB was quite obviously trying to disrespect the Mets was my conclusion.

Well, it turns out the NL squad didn't need adequate Met representation to go something like 0 fer 6 with RISP (a Met specialty). The team certainly didn't need BillyGoat Wagner to come in and prolong the game way past its expiration point. And David Wright (1 fer3) nothing of note that I saw, though to be fair he had Guzman batting after him, Guzman who robbed Daveyboy of any possible heroic role with a shitty bunt back to the pitcher in the billionth inning or so.




From the 5th to the 8th, I had my fill of the absurdities of Joe "What the" Buck and Timmy! McCarver. No matter how many times it is said, it bears repeating: these guys are just prize asses. Now I know for these dinkleberries, obsequiousness is the coin of the realm, but these two seem intent on two things: a) mailing it in and b) achieving the surreal and useless position of being homers for the MLB. Around the 7th inning, as I tried to choke away the tears of laughter after hearing Timmy! call Dominicans "Dominican Republicans," the two started blowing some serious smoke up Edinson Volquez' derrière. According to the twits, Volquez has "best change up in the big leagues." No qualification. Volquez pitches in the National League and his changeup isn't even the best there. There's a guy by the name of Johan Santana, who apparently gave up his seat in the All-Star pen for the likes of Brian Wilson and Aaron Cook, who would beg to differ.

To say these two bozos don't prepare for a broadcast is an understatement. They arrive on autopilot and leave on said autopilot. Here is the Buck/McCarver formula.

Variant A.
"Nobody in baseball has a better X than player Y"

Variant B.
"Nobody in baseball has an X as X as player Y."

Repeat 300 times. Ask Ken Rosenthal about it. Say absolutely nothing edifying about the game of baseball. Sprinkle in some staged contradictory blather by Timmy! and you have it, a broadcast that can best be described as an excruciation.

These guys don't even pay attention to their own monitors. Buck erupted in hysterics in the 12th when, on what was eventually ruled a foul ball, Even Longoria hit it to Guzman at third who then threw home to try to nail the runner, allowing catcher Russel Martin to make a fantastic pick in time to tag the runner out. Except for none of this probably happened. No, Faux's own replay showed there was much reason to doubt this call, mainly because there was no ball in Martin's glove--the ball seemed to kick away after apparently hitting the umpire. Now maybe the camera angle lied, but it certainly bears notice. But Buck was probably distracted by the idiotic "Tito will yank Kazmir no matter what the situation cause he's just that kind of guy"story line invented by the producers. Like Francona's going to use Kazmir delicately--fuck that, the guy threw 100 pitches like yesterday, his arm is held on with chewing gum, and his team is standing between the Sawk and world domination.

Of course, celebrating your corporate brothers is a key requirement of any Faux or ESPN broadcast. So oh so much Yankees this, Yankees that would be expected, even if the Yankees are not remotely involved (see above). But Joe Buck saw fit to actually spend my time making the argument that George Steinbrenner, convicted felon and proven liar, was deserving of a spot in the Hall of Fame. And though Buck dutifully repeated the chants Yankees fans directed at Jonathan Papelbon during the game, there were no comments whatsoever as to the sheer classlessness of booing at an All Star game, something I seriously doubt has happened before. I guess the only people sanctioned to befoul the history of the timeless wonder that is Yankee Stadium are the knuckle draggers that populate it. Seriously, booing at an All Star game.

I hope my eyes were lying, but I thought I saw Red Sox/All Star Manager Tito whatshisname actually give A-Rod, who has won exactly Zero titles with the Yankees or anyone else, the celebratory "removal from the game during the inning" treatment (as he then did with "Every Kind of Mo" Jeter). What kind of world is it when the Red Sox manager is bending over for the Yankees? It's not a world I want to live in.

The MLB enabled fawning over the Yankees demonstrates that Fox and Espn think baseball is about their fellow corporate bullies, bullies who haven't won a fight since the turn of the century by the way. These (athletic cut) suits think people want to hear endless re-tellings of the story of how Goliath beat the shit out of David. But they're wrong as acid rain. For all but the most casual thoughtless fans, baseball is about the small cities and the underdogs, say the Kansas Cities and the Mets for instance, its about gutting out the competition and the possibility of redemption and occasionally, transcendence.

Still don't think the MLB is out of touch? Check out the enormous white tank they gave to the MVP. Sure it was a "hybrid" and one can understand the timing of the desperate message from Chevy: "buy more tanks America, puleeze." Or maybe J.D. Drew needs an enormous vehicle to keep him from further injury. But my read is that it is scandalous at worst and tasteless at best to parade yet another giant SUV as a symbolic reward--message: this form of sad reproductive organ overcompensation is still cool-- while the environment goes to fuck and Joe Lawnmower can't afford a tank of unleaded. Of course Bud Selig doesn't care if Joe Lawnmower can take his brats to an actual game anymore either.

The game ended in what, to my mind, was a storm of ignobility. If you believe the Faux story, the managers somehow once again mismanaged their personnel, and the game was in danger of being called a tie. And I thought the game-ending play was a bit closer than they let on. It seems that no amount of vaginae or chocolate cake in the world would have prevented Derryl Morneau from calling Justin Morneau out on McCann's tag of Hart's very close throw home. Things like that are why this exhibition should no longer "count," and should never have "counted." It is an on-going crime against baseball by Bud Selig that the American League will get WS homefield advantage for the rest of eternity.

Speaking of Bud Selig, that miserable fuck, he was shown once as Fux cut to commercial. He was in his traditional All Star game pose, head miserably held in hands. For once, I know how he felt.