It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Behold: Prize Ass, Steve Phillips
Above: feces flinging molestor, and (right) crown prince of monkey land

Steve Phillips, the guy who ran the Mets like a fantasy baseball club before that was cool, felt up interns before that was a fireable offense, and who's being a stupid asshole is one of the foundational principles upon which this blog was established, is talking about the Mets again. While we still celebrate Steve Phillips Shitcanning Day (June 12, 2003), we Mets fans don't normally think much about the guy anymore, unless someone brings up Mo Vaughn, Rodger Cedeno, or Jeremy Burnitz and then all you get is just a lot of broken furniture.

Currently filling the role of ESPN's camel-toe, Steve absolutely never says anything intelligent about the sport we call baseball. The kindest thing you can say about him is he has no instinct for baseball and he was a moral blight on the Wilpon's hiring record. Which means of course, ESPN gives him a bigger and bigger role every year (hiring him to replace Harold Reynolds, another reputed touchie feelie). Saying nothing worth a dang, well, that's nothing special, since ESPN, Faux, and the new MLB network pay a lot of people who don't say anything intelligent about baseball. But when Phillips opines about the team he ruined physically, emotionally and spiritually, well that's when he really steps over the line and needs to be spanked.
Steve Phillips Baseball Trade Deciding Machine

If you don't want your eyes to bleed reading this drivel, here is the long and short of why Phillips "thinks" the Mets and others should sign an aging, probably spent Pedro Martinez and roids recovery runt Ivan Rodriguez. (By the way, if you're a real masochist, press here.)


"after seeing his two three-inning outings at the World Baseball Classic, the second of which came on two days' rest, I believe that his shoulder is healthy."

"Another good sign was that he was dancing and smiling again"


"...Pudge Rodriguez still has some baseball left to play, too. I had a conversation with him recently, and he addressed all the issues that teams seem to have with him these days."

Yep, that's about how he evaluated talent as a Met GM too.

Let's leave aside whether signing either of these guys would be a good idea for the Mets other than to note that investing in age and injury hasn't worked out any better than the Madoff deal for the Mets (but shhh no one tell Marlon Anderson). Phillips, like any con-man, goes to great lengths to express the idea that you are getting his earnest opinions, indicated by the "I believe"'s, "I have no doubt"'s, and "I feel"'s dotting the page. Well, I "believe" that the players' agents actually faxed this "column" to Phillips to put his name on. If I wrote a column for the ESPN Baseball tonight site, the sound you would hear is: "poop" "poop", because that, my friends, is the only way I can imagine these turds being produced. Even the guy who writes the captions ("Pedro Martinez's brief appearance in the WBC proved he might still have something left in the tank.") has more sense than Phillips. I am looking for the opposite of "insight," which incidentally, rhymes with "Baseball tonight."

Of course, there's nothing original about saying that Steve Phillips is an idiot , a dumbass, or a member of baseball's All-Scandal Team--testimonials abound and come in from all over the league. And it would be unsettling if Steve Phillips suddenly became a useful person, who said merely inane things occasionally. But, in conclusion, there is a reason Marion Barry got a second chance to be the DC mayor, and Steve Phillips never got another sniff for a GM position from a major league team. If you want to know why the blogs produce flaming hate-filled rants such as this post, it is because the major sports networks give us no alternative, poking poking poking us in our cages with sticks. In fact, I just remembered the jackass will be getting a larger stage for his oddly biased, braindead bullshiting, joining the other two borderline clowns, Miller and Morgan in the idea-vacuum ESPN calls its baseball booth this season apparently in some kind of effort to destroy America's mute buttons so we all have to buy those after-market universal remote thingies that never seem to work.
Oh hey Steve watcha doing? Coloring in your book? Wanna take a little ride with me?

So shut the fuck up Steve. Every time you open your mouth, a little part of Ken Burns dies.

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  • At 4:27 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Phillips is a shitball. I give Omar this, and I give Omar very little: he got some real talent in here. Of course, Omar could not take the final step. And he did not necessarily look at character in his talent. But Vaughn, Burnitz were the dregs. He watched Vaughn hit in an indoor batting cage facility wearing a nylon tent to hide his 320 lbs. and signed him without a physical. He brought Burnitz back to the team after he had failed elsewhere. No, everywhere. The guy's swing had more holes than a slab of swiss cheese. No, Phillips was actually dumber tyhan Omar. I find that hard to believe, but it's true.

  • At 6:13 AM, Anonymous NYMetFanInNJ said…

    hmm, I sense you are holding something back. Why don't you say what you're really feeling? : ]

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    well it felt good for me!!

    jdon, i tried to find some web content on the mo vaughn tent incident you describe, or a pic of mo in a batting cage, but to no avail. That was a crowning moment in the Phillips regime.

  • At 11:31 AM, Anonymous Joe D. said…

    This was the most entertaining blog I've read all day, lol. You're an absolute genius!

    Also, thanks for making me lose my appetite with that Mo Vaugn aritcle. ;-)

  • At 4:53 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    Mo Vaughn was a nose tackle. A disgustin and disgraceful example of unprofessional behavior. He looked like a giant sausage.

  • At 7:13 PM, Anonymous C said…

    Man, he really f'd you guys. I have nothing against him, but if I were a Mets fan, I definitely would.

  • At 10:42 PM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    I'm glad you enjoyed it Joe; now we all have to band together to stop this menace to society.

  • At 1:02 AM, Blogger Jaap said…

    How true, this poking of us in our cages with sticks. Whilst Phillips is no doubt, a Champion Muppet, compare this with an electroshock therapy dose of Joe Buck who should be waterboarded with Tim McCarver's vomit.

    Nonetheless, beware the Marlon. It's just a matter of time before he replaces Fred Sanford at second base and wins Comeback Player of the Decade.

  • At 4:48 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    LOL!!! I love the Fred Sanford reference, Jaap. An Omar team is a team built to crumble. God forbid, but one encounter with the wall and Church will be done. Leaving us with one legit OF on the team. Of course there will be obligatory stays on the DL for Garcia, Castillo and probably Maine at some point. And bless the little scamp, but Tatis will almost certainly shelve himself making another ludicrous attempt at defense. All we need is Delgado's yearly hip impingement and we have the cherry on top. Has Putz ever been injured before? KRod?

  • At 6:32 AM, Anonymous Slimy Phillips (Dirty Putz) said…

    The team should follow erstwhile and now-former hopeful reliever Tom Martin's lead and make their new slogan:

    The 2009 New York Mets:

    Give Me A Break!

  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous cver said…

    On a serious note, Burgos is now living in Rikers Island. He was found guilty, so I guess this isn't a case of Met luck - and he is in serious trouble in his home country. This kid turned out to be real trouble and now he will pay the price.

  • At 11:52 PM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    Well giving him the nickname the Amburglar probably didnt help.

    It's true, the outfield is in exactly the same situation as last year--one guy goes down and you're looking at one legitimate outfielder. Assuming that one guy that goes down isn't our one legitimate outfielder, Beltran! After Angel Pagan's injury ritual, Omar is probably dialing Alou's cell phone right now (the phone with the large numbers and the panic button for when he falls down).It's not as though Manny Ramirez was available. But here we go again with an outfield mostly built for AAA.

  • At 11:57 PM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    oh and one more thing re: news that country time lemon's rehab has been slowed by the MEts by the concern that he is recovering too fast.

    Is it irony that if Wagner comes back the Mets will finally have the bullpen to match their 3-5 inning starters of the last few years? Like an O Henry story. Oh Omar.

  • At 3:47 AM, Anonymous jdon said…

    why would they care if he reinjures himself? They weren't planning on having him anyway. If he is dumb enough to risk injury, don't stand in his way.

  • At 5:18 AM, Blogger Lisa Swan said…

    Great blog entry! How Steve Phillips continues to draw a paycheck in this economy - and get promoted, yet - is beyond me.

    I'm a Yankee fan, but I feel your pain on Phillips.

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous jdon said…

    I DO wish I had his hair, though.

  • At 8:56 AM, Anonymous Cver said…

    NEWSFLASH: There's gonna be some Dirty Sanchez straddling the border with Tijuana!

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