Behold: Prize Ass, Steve Phillips

Above: feces flinging molestor, and (right) crown prince of monkey land

Steve Phillips, the guy who ran the Mets like a fantasy baseball club before that was cool, felt up interns before that was a fireable offense, and who's being a stupid asshole is one of the foundational principles upon which this blog was established, is talking about the Mets again. While we still celebrate Steve Phillips Shitcanning Day (June 12, 2003), we Mets fans don't normally think much about the guy anymore, unless someone brings up Mo Vaughn, Rodger Cedeno, or Jeremy Burnitz and then all you get is just a lot of broken furniture.

Currently filling the role of ESPN's camel-toe, Steve absolutely never says anything intelligent about the sport we call baseball. The kindest thing you can say about him is he has no instinct for baseball and he was a moral blight on the Wilpon's hiring record. Which means of course, ESPN gives him a bigger and bigger role every year (hiring him to replace Harold Reynolds, another reputed touchie feelie). Saying nothing worth a dang, well, that's nothing special, since ESPN, Faux, and the new MLB network pay a lot of people who don't say anything intelligent about baseball. But when Phillips opines about the team he ruined physically, emotionally and spiritually, well that's when he really steps over the line and needs to be spanked.


Steve Phillips Baseball Trade Deciding Machine

If you don't want your eyes to bleed reading this drivel, here is the long and short of why Phillips "thinks" the Mets and others should sign an aging, probably spent Pedro Martinez and roids recovery runt Ivan Rodriguez. (By the way, if you're a real masochist, press here.)

Pedro:

"after seeing his two three-inning outings at the World Baseball Classic, the second of which came on two days' rest, I believe that his shoulder is healthy."

"Another good sign was that he was dancing and smiling again"

Pudge:

"...Pudge Rodriguez still has some baseball left to play, too. I had a conversation with him recently, and he addressed all the issues that teams seem to have with him these days."

Yep, that's about how he evaluated talent as a Met GM too.

Let's leave aside whether signing either of these guys would be a good idea for the Mets other than to note that investing in age and injury hasn't worked out any better than the Madoff deal for the Mets (but shhh no one tell Marlon Anderson). Phillips, like any con-man, goes to great lengths to express the idea that you are getting his earnest opinions, indicated by the "I believe"'s, "I have no doubt"'s, and "I feel"'s dotting the page. Well, I "believe" that the players' agents actually faxed this "column" to Phillips to put his name on. If I wrote a column for the ESPN Baseball tonight site, the sound you would hear is: "poop" "poop", because that, my friends, is the only way I can imagine these turds being produced. Even the guy who writes the captions ("Pedro Martinez's brief appearance in the WBC proved he might still have something left in the tank.") has more sense than Phillips. I am looking for the opposite of "insight," which incidentally, rhymes with "Baseball tonight."

Of course, there's nothing original about saying that Steve Phillips is an idiot , a dumbass, or a member of baseball's All-Scandal Team--testimonials abound and come in from all over the league. And it would be unsettling if Steve Phillips suddenly became a useful person, who said merely inane things occasionally. But, in conclusion, there is a reason Marion Barry got a second chance to be the DC mayor, and Steve Phillips never got another sniff for a GM position from a major league team. If you want to know why the blogs produce flaming hate-filled rants such as this post, it is because the major sports networks give us no alternative, poking poking poking us in our cages with sticks. In fact, I just remembered the jackass will be getting a larger stage for his oddly biased, braindead bullshiting, joining the other two borderline clowns, Miller and Morgan in the idea-vacuum ESPN calls its baseball booth this season apparently in some kind of effort to destroy America's mute buttons so we all have to buy those after-market universal remote thingies that never seem to work.


Oh hey Steve watcha doing? Coloring in your book? Wanna take a little ride with me?


So shut the fuck up Steve. Every time you open your mouth, a little part of Ken Burns dies.