It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Beat the Br*ves Edition

Life is swell ...for the moment

The resurgent Br*ves are tomahawked. The red has been beaten off their necks. All-time record crowds are going to Turner Field to bear regular season witness to the end of Atlanta domination of all-things-regular-season. Delicious. John Smoltz, anti-christ, is openly publicly praying to God ("Despite injuries that have limited his playing time in recent years, Smoltz is focused more than ever on making his best pitch — the one he makes vocally for the Lord every chance he gets."). The end of their whole supposed 14 yr. run of first place finishes may just be tarnished forever by recent STEROID ACCUSATIONS*. Chippy Jones pulls a little something. Then there's Captain Red Ass' play. Other than the way those bastards hit my boy Carlos Delgado, there is nothing to be unhappy about. It can't get any better than this, right?

Well, it could get a lot worse come Monday's trade deadline.

Why you ask? Everyone is talking about Zito. Zito this, Zito that. Ok to be fair, the following is something of a rant. Sure, I'd like to have some Zito in my Mets pasta primavera. But the debates that have raged for weeks in the ol' Blogosphere have made me a militant opponent of trading Lovable Lastings at this juncture. What has pissed me off is the shortsighted nature of the arguments for trading Lastings for a Zito rental.

First, they denigrate our number 1 prospect. Detractors say things like "some people" are saying Lastings isnt even the best OF in the league. Milledge "could" end up being a special player, blah blah blah. Insert Reyes or Wright into that sentence and try to say it with a straight face. As far as we and the rest of the league know, Milledge IS a special player. As much as a prospect can be a sure thing, Lastings is one, just like Reyes and Wright were. Do you like what Reyes and Wright are doing for this club? Bingo. Axe yourself what is so darn exciting about this club right now. Hint: it begins with "F" and ends with "uture."

As for the "argument" that Lastings is a potential "head case." Lastings has never once mentioned dinosaurs. He does not mess with the clubhouse music while Al Leiter is on the treadmill. He is confident, slaps fans' hands and wears a joan of arc size cross--what's so crazy about that?

So then they inflate Zito's value. For the anti-Lastings crowd they argue that Lastings will certainly not pan out, while Zito will definitely pan out, despite Zito's recent .500ish record, deal with Billy Beane, and Bora$ factors. Its just wishful thinking disguised as "no brainer" arguments. Zito's amazing postseason record is another canard--he really hasn't shown anything yet in such a small sample, much less consistently gotten to the postseason, and these guys make him sound like Mariano Rivera. Has Zito even attained el duque postseason status.

Nobody knows if Zito would end up resigning. But we do know that getting used by Bora$ to pay for another tennis court at Castle Bora$ because we have no leverage whatsoever (omar remember Mister Benson?) will not get the 2007 season off to a happy start. Who knows what kind of pitching will be available this off-season? Who knows if the cold light of the off-season will take the shine off Zito's resume? The idea that the Mets would get "2 draft picks" for Zito that "might" turn out to be as good as Lastings is annoying. We already have gone through the lengthy process and minor league crapshoot and have a developed prospect in Milledge, and with Cliff Floyd reaching the end of the line and Nady anything but a sure thing, we have to follow the master plan and plug a dynamic and affordable LM into the outfield and throw those dollars at revamping the rotation.

If you can get him for Aaron "Poopyface" Heilman and some other moneyball scrubs fine, but until then...

I Heart You, Capt. RedAss
Mr. Koo, move over. There is a new "best play of all-time." That would be today's game when Paul LoDuca took his red ass to second base while Andrwuwuwu "Smug-motherfucking-Smirking-Snap-Catching Overrated Ugly Punk Ass" Jwuwnes loolygagged the ball in. Words cannot describe why this is symbolically the greatest play of all time, but suffice to say, watching Red Ass chug into second was a revelation. The fact that LoDuca could barely run was the icing on the cake. Mr. Koo's jog on the Big Unit's watch was terrific at the time, a subtle demoralizing poke in the eye of all evil Empires who think nothing of a business plan consisting of acquiring every old superstar possible. Randy Johnson is a symbol of Yanker failure, and the Mr Koo episode brought that home, and was hilarious and thrilling to watch. But who really cares about the Yankers anyhow? The symbolism of Cpt. Red Ass reporting for duty at second base will stay with us forever. And that's because our real enemy doesn't pick out 800 thread-count sheets at Bloomy's (I'm talking to you Derek and Alex), it wears sheets to burning-cross rallies.

The Br*ves are Steroid Cheaters
Hmm. Th end of Br*ves run of NL East championships** comes at the exact time MLB brings the "hammer" down on steroid use in the major leagues. Coincidence? Metsfan poster Wxstevo and I think not. In fact, steriod use and the Br*ve sucess go hand in hand, like Bobby Valentine and fake mustaches, or Rodger Cedeno and the bench. That's right, methinks the Br*ves equipment manager has an order in for a batch of smaller hatsizes and snugger uniforms. So forget about natural cycles of baseball, the brilliance of John Schuerholtz (who didn't look too spiffy in trading Betemont Twin away on the eve of Chippit reinjury) or the loss of the Rockin' Retard (tm) to Baltimore, history will show that the Br*ves abused steroids in order to win. Shocking, I know, but how else to explain John Rocker, or those veins on Marcus Giles head? Brian Jordan couldn't just naturally be that much of an asshole, could he? No, I blame the 'roids. The Atlanta clubhouse is a den of steroids, that's why when Br*ves go elsewhere, they start sucking, ala Maddux, that little pipsqueak Dodger shortstop, and Tom Glavine. The facts are there, just waiting to be discovered. Where's my grand jury?

I was Righter than I was Wronger
Screw giving the Mets a mid-season review. That's so, so other blogger. Nah, I will now review my own pre-season and pre-trade stances in relation to the Mets mid-season situation:

Carlos Delgado I always loved him. He's like the girl that first rejects you, then wilts under your persistence and marries you, though later refuses to stand for the national anthem. I love having this guy around. He's a big part of this club, even if he's sucked most of the year. Next year, baby.
Carlos Beltran Yeah, I called him Buntran. But I didn't really mean it. I always knew he'd come around. Love him.
Jose Valentine Well what can you say. I lovingly mocked this cult-figure with everyone else in the beggining (though I think I have done my penance). And he turns out actually to be superman, playing way above his head on the field and at the plate. Now he's practically the team spokesman.
Endy Chavez I admit, Omar seems to know the scrap-heap. Julio Frankenstine, Valentine, Chavez, freaking Darrin Oliver (!) are just perfect contributors to this team. Our B-Team is as good as our A-team was last year.
Orlando Hernandez well, I was and still am against this trade. Jorge Julio was a project but he was our porject. But seeing as born in '69-Orlando was pretty good today, maybe there is some playoff magic left in him, I might end up wronger.
Xavier Nady ok here's the toughy. I still say the Kameron Nady trade was dumb. Ill-timed and Omar could've waited and tried to pry a more valuable chip away for a gold glove K-miester, say, from the Red Sox who needed a center fielder and have some unbelievable pitching at the minor league level. But I have to grade myself a B- because Nady hasn't done too badly, and except for some freakish injuries, probably would be holding his own. Will he be here next year? Nah.
Paul Lo Duca I wasn't really that against this signing, I just thought Lo Duca was overrated--second half fader, not better defensively than Mikey, dunder-footed and a stupid choice for the so-called two-hole, etc. And there was better stuff available, like the doofus from San Diego, to build this team's foundation. Well I was wrong. After today, I repent. Many fans focus on his leadership, but Capt. Red Ass will always have a place in my heart for what he did by showing up Andruwuw Jwuones today. Mookie balls, grandslam singles, Koo-chases, welcome a new entry into the Mets Great Plays of All-Time Hall of Fame. Mr Lo Duca, your table is right this way.

Ok. That is all.

*made by me of course.
** I realize that i am going against my better nature and assuming the Br*ves will not win the division, thereby putting the voodoo out and going against my deepest held principles. But I really need to make this joke.


  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger danny1986 said…

    As recently complimented, Matt Cerrone may indeed be the LoDuca of the Mets bloguniverse. But you, my friend, are quite easily the Roger McDowell (circa '86).

    Great topic. Excelletn writing. Very enjoyable.


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.