It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Mr. Met on the Couch

Item: Mr. Met seeks counseling

Mr Met: Doc, thanks for seeing me on such short notice. All these little kids leaving the park crying every night, not to mention the adults. I thought I could handle it, but the autumn season around here is brutal. Well, I just can't take it anymore.

Dr. Headshrinker: That's ok. I've been helping Johan Santana--what a guy--get over the way the Mets bullpen has blown his games over and over again. And I think my treatment sure paid off tonight, although he had to pitch 125 pitches just to keep those bozos from completely blowing it.

Mr Met: Yeah that guy is terrific. He's the only thing that keeps me from tearing my head off and throwing it into the street sometimes.

Dr. Headshrinker: I have also been on a team of doctors who help Carlos Beltran determine exactly what percentage he is playing at after each minor injury, though I can't imagine why he keeps sharing this with the media. He's at about 80 to 85% right at this moment, if you must know.

Mr. Met: Yeah. Interesting.

Dr. Headshrinker: Ok, lets get started. Mr Met what do you see when you look at this picture?
Mr. Met: (Screaming uncontrollably and beating his head with his hands) Its... Nooooo. It can't be. Noooo. It's the worst thing imaginable. It's Aaron Heilman with a baseball in his hand! Saints preserve us. No. Good god no.

Dr. Headshrinker: Ok, relax. There, there. Let's change the subject. What do you want to talk about?

Mr. Met: Well Doc, can some one tell me why the hell the Pirates would let T.J. Beam pitch to Prince Fielder last night with a base open in the bottom of the ninth, tied at 5 and with 2 outs?

Dr. Headshrinker: Dammit Mr. Met, I'm a doctor not a detective. All I can tell you is those Pirates are six kinds of stupid and deserve to lose 90-100 games a year the way they always do. Besides if I could explain that move, I could also tell you why the Mets would chose this moment to reward Omar Minaya with a new contract just as the team he put together tries to scratch its way out of its second consecutive collapse in a row, again due in no small part to his refusal to upgrade the bullpen or have any strategy whatsoever outside of signing the biggest free agent available most winters. And I have no blessed idea.

Mr Met: Omar? You mean my boss? We don't see him around much. I can't remember the last time he made a public statement about the direction of the club, other than maybe at the trade deadline to mumble something about not having a match for any trade and how happy he was with the team he has.

Dr. Headshrinker: Now Mr Met, I know you might be feeling anxious about the last days of Shea Stadium after so many years. How does that make you feel?

Mr Met: Doc I keep having this nightmare that on Sunday's historic game, the Mets will find a way to blow the game, blow the season, blow themselves right out of the playoffs, and kill Bambi's mother--even with Santana on the mound--braking every ones' hearts in a way that is perverse even by their standards. Frankly, that's the only thing I can think about. That and shouldn't the Mets be paying the fans to haul away the seats and other garbage? I guess I'm gonna miss the rats that live in my novelty shoes. I gave them names. Other than that I won't miss Shea a bit.

Dr. Headshrinker: Well that's all the time we have for this session.

Mr Met: I feel a lot better. Hey, what are you doing later? Wanna come over to my place and check out my t-shirt cannon? It's a real crowd pleaser.

Dr. Headshrinker: (blushing) Mr Met! Don't you have a family?

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  • At 3:53 AM, Anonymous cvertana said…

    Nice job. It's a little easier to laugh at this after last night's game. I saw that "photo" in the Daily News and had sent it to some friends. I think it's interesting that Mr. Met and Tony Soprano have the same shrink or is that Sarah Palin? Omar for 5 more years? Hmm - I guess the new motto is "In Omar THEY Trust!? What? Really?"

    You mentioned being in another chatroom - which one? Maybe I could come in there and say hello.

  • At 7:37 AM, Blogger katherine said…

    I really loved reading about this psychoanalysis session. Poor Mr Met. Will he ever overcome his angst? I know I was so traumatized by the final game of last season that to this day I cannot watch the opposing team's half of the first inning.

    Your highly enjoyable post made me (ALMOST but not really) sorry that the season is almost over.

    And thanks for the link to the Daily News article. I wonder what that psychiatrist meant when, speaking of Mets fans, he said, "their depression is superimposed on their baseline dysphoria." ? How does he know we have a baseline dysphoria? Does he mean, left over from last year's debacle? Or does he feel that people who choose to be mets fans must have some kind of underlying psychopathology?

  • At 10:36 AM, Blogger Jaap said…

    I'll bet season ticket holders will get the shrink bills tacked on to their new Citi Bank appreciation invoices during the offseason. Why haven't the Pirates been relegated to the PCL yet?

  • At 2:04 PM, Anonymous cvertana said…

    What about "running out of the baseline dysphoria"?

  • At 10:25 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Really after tonight what is there to blog about? What is there to say. We ARE the Cubs. Totally futile.

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Itsmetsforme said…

    Sorry in my stupification i forgot to answer your comments.

    Katherine, I'd go with "underlying psychopathology." The mets used to be sort of lovable losers then they hit rock bottom, pretended to get good, and we all bought in and now we'll get heartf*cked every autumn. Problem is, they are not lovable. With all the talent in the world, they squander it all.

    They make it hard to maintain a humorous blog on them, because they are not funny. This is not funny.

    However, if you enjoyed the psychotherepy link, there is a Steinbrenner "written" article that might cheer you up too:

    Jaap it might make us feel better but even the Pirates can't be blamed for this anymore. Man on third in 9th no outs with wonderboy up at the plate and he swings through ball 4. Other than the current economic situation, I can't think of anything more deserving of the internet label "epic fail."

    Cver and everyone else here, you should come and check out the Amazin Avenue game chats. That's where i deposit myself for most games, cuz hell, who can go through this alone? For my money it's a very sophisticated and mostly well behaved group that I think you'd enjoy.

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