Metastrophe 2007: Met's Two-Timers, Clemens Rump Roast

Some notes to ponder while you rearrange the letters in Johan Santana's name to come up with positive omens for the Mets ("Ja? Nah? A tan son" ---i.e., yes or no, he's going to the West coast to play with his father? I give up)...

Roger Dodger

Here's a little letter in today's New York Times; don't know if this has gotten the attention it should have, but it is sure to enhance your 60 Minutes viewing experience.

Second Opinion on Clemens
To the Sports Editor:

Re “Clemens Says Trainer Gave Him Injections,” Jan. 4: Roger Clemens’s claim that he received injections of vitamin B12 and lidocaine should probably be viewed as damaging to his credibility. Lidocaine is a local anesthetic and not a systemic pain reliever, like acetaminophen, with bodywide effects. If given as an injection in someone’s rear end, for example, the likelihood of it having any effect on knee pain, as he contends, is practically zero.
Andrew M. Luks, M.D.
Seattle

So hmm, let's see. Clemens, for some reason, needed a local anesthetic shot in his butt to ease its soreness. Dare we ask how this involves Andy Pettite's (pocket) rocket?

***
Angel's in the outfield!

How should we rank the return of Angel Pagan, the minor-leaguey 1999 Mets draft pick who will return to the Mets system in 2008, in the list of all time Mets comebacks? Here's the list of two-timing Mets I can remember off the top of my head. I'm sure some of you can remember some others. I leave Omar off the list for reasons of etiquette. Pagan doesn't slot in at all, actually, but it's a fun exercise for a rainy Sunday.

1) Bobby Bonillia
Perhaps the most stunning re-acquisition in recent memory, Booby Boo-nillia rewarded the Mets when they reacquired him in 1999 after an absolutely disastrous tour of duty in '91 with general suckiness, a feud with Bobby V and a lasting legacy of NLCS card-playing and an eternal contract obligation.

2) Roger Cedeno
Worst baseball instincts I have ever seen. Took routes to fly balls reminiscent of Jeffy from Family Circus. Kinda surprising he could even find second base, but find it he did, at least in '99. So the Mets brought him back and even considered playing him in CF. Made Tom Glavine nearly break his eyebrows in an effort at eyerolling. Once called "a fat man's Juan Pierre."

3) Rickey Henderson--well, we're never sure what is going on inside Rickey's mind, but though admittedly the Mets resigned him as a coach HE may have been pretending to be a player. I scratched my head about Omar bringing in the ultimate "me" guy to have a day-to-day presence on the club (was I wrong?) but ultimately resigned myself to enjoy the comedic possibilities. Some fans celebrate Rickey's impact on Jose Reyes in 2007, and others think it was to blame for Jose's very decline. Rickey makes the list because he probably doesn't realize he's been with the Mets twice.

4) Dave Kingman--Known as a difficult asshat, Kingman's two tours of Met duty (1975-1977, 1981-1983) punctuated a career marked by sending dead rats to reporters and hitting tremendous homeruns. One Met teammate noted he had "the personality of a tree stump."

5.) Jeromy Burnitz-- A Met farm system product who made the big club in 1993-94, struggled mightily upon returning in 2002-03 when the only notable accomplishments were having a surname that rhymed with "Can't Hitz" and managing NOT to critically wound any old ladies with his umpteen bats thrown into the stands. Since he was a pretty nice guy and not a bad defender, I would say his day-in-day out futility at the plate was one of the hardest things I've had to endure in my years as a Mets fan.

6.) Marlon Anderson--or "Super" Marlon. Middlename "Ordell." Pinch-hitter extraordinaire. Brings joy to Mets fans in 2005 and 2007 and hopefully beyond. The only reason I still believe in "clutchiness." And I will always cherish his inside-the-parker on Saturday June 11, 2005 against the Angels.