Shawn Green Boldly Claims the Mantle of Aaron Heilman

After participating in the spirit building hair-related Met team gesture of 2009, David Wright-of-the-future goes out on the town to celebrate the Mets getting to .500

When one says that something "sucks," there is a connotation that goes beyond the flat truth claim that something or someone is inferior or not very good at what they do. Allow me to demonstrate with an example: Shawn Green sucks. When I say this, what I mean goes beyond saying that the hapless Green is untalented at baseball. What I am gesturing at is the transcendent, sometimes unbelievable failures he now delivers on a regular basis. He has gone beyond just another shitty performer to being a symbol. Another way to put it is this: when Green reports for duty as a relief pitcher, you can be certain that you are about to make a memory.

The St. Louis Cardinals left Flushing with the same parting gift they always get from the unoriginal Mets franchise: a gimme win. Just like 2006. Just like always.

There will be no rest for this Mets fan until Pujols and Molina are revealed to be performance enhancing drug users. This will happen at some point, for sure, and though it will be little comfort, know that I will be smirking when it does.

Scholars will argue this for decades, but last night's game must be added to the list of 2009 low points. Let us review the ignoble details of the latest Mets face plant.

Ace disgraced. Mets ace Johan pitches sucky more often than I had planned. He is most certainly pitching through injury; to think otherwise is to think the unthinkable.
That first step is a doosie. Castillo, the only Met who can possibly be said to be exceeding expectations, falls down the dugout steps, out indefinitely. Why are there steps in ballparks anyway? Ramps (or gently graded slopes) would seem to be a smarter idea with the fragility of ball players these days.
Superstar "Closer" is just what the Mets needed this winter. Frankie turned out to be a pointless addition. That is all.
Heilman Haunts Mets Supposed Not-Heilman Shawn Green comes into a bases loaded situation, and in lieu of a wild pitch, throws his first pitch into the batter, losing the game. To be sure, he also tosses the expected grand slam meatball to Pujols in the next at-bat. Green seems to be channeling the 2007 and 2008 bullpen. He wore out his welcome a long time ago for me, and now I'd like him gone, or where ever the Mets send the O'Days, Takahashis, etc.
Redbird rage The opponent is the hated smirking Cardinals who stole the 2006 NLCS and then dishonored the National league by their performance in the World Series. I'm not saying Pujols and Molina inject each other in the clubhouse, but I am saying that Molina is a post-op transgendered hermaphrodite.

This season is over folks, if it wasn't already. If there are parts of your eyes you still want to claw out, try clicking here. Next week, I'll start my series on fun replacement activities, hobbies, and family trips you can substitute for following the Metropolitan baseball club.