It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

IMFM's Season-ending Open Letters

Dear Willie,
Looper is not Mariano. The way you can tell is that Looper sucks and Mariano doesn't. There are many other mets who are not Yankees, but I dont have time to explain that to you. Instead, I'll be sending you my instructional videotape "How to run a bullpen and shake up a batting order." Well it's not so much instructional as me screaming the title into a camera for 1 hr and 30 minutes. But you'll get the idea.

Dear Pedro,
Sorry buddy, but who knew that throwing big $$ to add the top two available free agents would result in LAST place again. Commiserate with Tommy Toothless and kiss your winning % goodbye, cause yer a met now. When we're done with you, the Hall of Fame will be a longshot.

Dear Omar,
Word around the league is that you don't really know what you're doing. I have suspected this from the start, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I hope you have the good sense to hire someone who does, and soon. Firing Randolph if Pinnella becomes available would be a good start.

Dear Bud Selig,
Want to distract people from the Roids scandal and your mismanagement of the all-star game a few years back? Then move the Atlanta franchise back out of the NL East. I know just the place: the AL East. I mean really, whats the point of revenue sharing with this kind of competitive imbalance? 13 freakin years and counting in first place, man--wake up.

Dear Fred Wilpon,
What would it take for you to sell me the team? Sure I aint got much but debt, but you got plenty of money, and I'm good for it. You say you're a metsfan, well prove it and sell to me so I can run it correctly. Plus, it would allow you to stop having to pay Mo Vaughn. Think about it.


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.