It's Mets For Me: Off-Beat, Tangentially Relevant Mets Ruminations

Off Base Since 2005! Mets commentary from the counter-intuitive to the unintuitive and all the intuitives in between. ** "Through the use of humor and gross inaccuracy...a certain truth can be gained." Rob Perri ** (pester me or follow me @itsmetsforme on twitter)

Monday, November 08, 2010

Cleaning Up the Me(t)ss: NYPD, Queens DA offer Sandy a Hand
K-rod (shown above) will need to find a new roomie soon...maybe in prison?

We didn't know it at the time, but after K-Rod was ordered by a judge to stay away from his own house, he moved in with then Mets long time clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels, and thus tied the Mets' embarrassing criminal past to their embarrassing criminal future. This franchise bumbles every facet of its existence, almost like they planned it. As we know now,
Samuels was gambling on football and possibly baseball, investigators believe.
“There is some indication he was” betting on baseball, the person said, adding, “Whether he was betting on the Mets is unclear.”
Insert obligatory betting on the Mets joke here.  The New York Times report leads me to believe that Samuels might be just the tip of the iceberg of distraction coming Sandy Alderson's way this winter. Some of the Mets' most beloved stars have already been implicated (Krud, Jeff Francoeur, Mike Piazza's father).  Wouldn't it be great if it turns out the Mets were throwing games? At least we could better appreciate how the franchise with abundant resources has managed to squander the little talent they have and pile up the loses with a listless brand of baseball only a motherf** could love for most of the last 20 years.
Next week's news: Samuel's child smuggling ring

In any event, Saul "LOL" Katz and his underlings, the Wilpon boys, will probably need to make a new hire, and it should be made in the proud tradition of Kirk Radomski and Samuels.  Allow me to help with a few suggestions to get you started.

Top 10 Clubhouse Manager Replacements for Charlie Samuels Who has Been Suspended For Gambling on Baseball, Stealing Equipment and Other Stuff

10. Jimmy "Big League Chew" Bonanno
9. Mr. Peter Rose (no relation)
8. Dominic Valila (hey even Jeromy Burnitz got a second chance)
7. John Franco's kid
6. Matthew Cerrone
5. Alderson will exploit market inefficiencies--probably hire slob who doesn't know how to iron
4. Michael Jordan
3. Charlie Samuels (hey, he still owes us money)
2. Dwight Gooden (probably needs $$)
1. Mike Murphy, proven champion club house manager
Ah, the tools of Mets equipment management

Look, if I were Mets media and communications honchos, VP of "Media Relations" Jay Horowitz (really--this guy still has a job?) or VP David "No Obstruction" Howard, I'd be looking over my shoulder.  The Wilpons woke up recently and realized something stank in Denmark; how long til they recognize that the smell isn't gone? Is it possible to guide a team to a worse image/public relations/reputation?  We all know the Mets are a fucking disaster, but isn't anyone in charge of making sure the clubhouse hasn't been infiltrated by criminals? (And I don't mean the ones under 3-4 year contracts with vesting options.)
ZOMG the Mets want to talk to me on the phone FTW! Thank god I have caller ID.

Will saying these things get me in on those conference calls the Mets are starting to make to co-opt to certain high profile blogs to help push lousy ticket packages to see a shitty team, sometimes from seats that they won't admit are obstructed (what better salespeople than trusted and "independent" fans?), and puff me up a bit with my own importance? Or maybe an invite to sit in the dugout or a luxury box with Saul LOLKatz and have some Shake Shack would get me to stop criticizing? Probably not. But I'm not so sure I want to be on their speed dial when the feds bust Mr Met for kiddie porn or meth cooking. You know, guilt by association and all.
Gambling on baseball, still the second most heinous thing Samuels ever did.

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  • At 9:52 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    Just the tip of the iceberg indeed on baseball's Titanic.

  • At 9:53 AM, Anonymous cver said…

    Baseball's Untouchables!

  • At 10:34 AM, Blogger I.M. Forme said…

    cver--i see you were ready for this post!
    After all this, I wonder if the Mets will still be able to afford Wally Backman's background check!


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This blog is meant completely and entirely in jest, unless you count the angst, and is not meant to offend anyone, unless you are a Br*ves fan. It's not affiliated with Sterling, the Mets, common sense, good taste, or anything really.