PETA's Letter to Larry Jones
Dear Mr. Larry "Chipper" Jones,
As many of PETA's 1.8 million members and supporters are baseball fans, we were disheartened to learn of your recent posts under the alias "U Kno Who" to an article entitled "Smoltz pulls up shorts." We have reviewed them and are not amused. (*See Exhibit A attached below)
You mention that you are responsible for the slaughter of ducks, deer, doves (!!!), quail, turkeys and fish, and when we were done translating your comments into English, we determined that you are promoting hunting. Worse, hunting promotes the act of arming Southerners, which we Northern urban types have never been particularly keen on. You may have grown up huntin' and impregnating kin, but take a step back and look at what actually goes on in the greater Atlanta metropolitan region. Judging by the empty seats at Turner Field, fans must be out perpetrating heinous acts against nature because they don't even show up during the playoffs. Players are given the whole winter off to participate in this lethal blood sport. They are given steroids and amphetamines to make them stronger, more aggressive hitting machines. Wait, we were just talking about baseball players, sorry. Animals, Mr. Jones, please don't promote negative attitudes towards animals.
Though humankind is not our department, we would be remiss if we did not mention that your purposefully getting the hicks on that blog, such as "BabyGoatEater," "Political Foreskin," "FrancouersHusband " and "Bubbasmoocher" into such a frenzy ** (see Exhibit B) is unconscionable. As a result, many many more sisters and cousins will be forced against their will tonight. We don't care so much about the kin, but we do, however, fear for the livestock should any particular womanfolk be out at bingo that night.
Look Hoss, we realize giving romantic advice to fans whose best shot at love is getting a little play with Aunt Ethel while she naps on the sofa on the porch might be seen as humanitarian, however we want to be very clear Mr. Jones, we cannot condone sheep fucking in any of its forms. Even if it is done in the privacy of one's own fenced in area.
In light of this, PETA is calling on you to publicly apologize to your fans for participating in such a cruel and barbaric activity. We would like to invite you to take part in our Developing Empathy for Animals training seminar, which Michael Vick voluntarily attended after he was charged with dogfighting and John Rocker completed when he was videotaped having inappropriate contact with a Canadian Moose. Please take this opportunity to send a strong message to your fans that cruelty to animals has no place in baseball or society in general. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
By U Kno Who
February 6, 2008 7:56 PM | Link to this
Just heard that Hoss is done after is contract runs out after next season. Pretty reliable source that is close to him said that he is seriously thinking about retiring soon. Said that he is tired of listening to all the mets fans on a Braves blog dominating the conversation with David Wright talk. Also said that he is tired of owning the mets for 15 years. Its someone elses turn. Seriously though,I’m looking forward to getting down to spring training and seeing all the guys again. Having Glav and Javy back in the fold will be great. I’m interested to see if guys like Frenchy and BMac are ready to make the jump to stardom. Also to see if the back end of our rotation has improved enough to let us compete for division title again. Looking forward to having Tex hitting behind me for a whole year. Might get some pitches to hit in key spots. Pretty tired of everyone saying that I’m injury proned, though I guess I’ll just have to go out and play 150 games to shut em up. Freak injuries are hard to avoid sometimes but I have hopefully gotten the foot stuff behind me. Look forward to bloggin with all you Braves fans for a couple of days before I head south. By the way, not even close to retirement. I love torturing mets fans too much to hang em up yet. And for all you guys that don’t already know this, DOB really is a douchebag!
By U Kno Who
February 6, 2008 10:12 PM | Link to this
I’m a big bow hunter. I love deer hunting more than the others. I will hunt ducks, dove and quail a few times a year but that is not my passion. I don’t get a chance to hunt turkeys because of baseball. I love to fish during spring training. I grew up about 10 miles from the self proclaimed bass fishing capital of the world, so a lot of my childhood was spent hunting deer and fishing.
By U Kno Who
February 6, 2008 10:36 PM | Link to this
Girls like the romance. Whatever u do, it better be original. Flowers and candy are nice, but every woman loves the bling. At least that’s what I’ve experienced. But what do I know, I haven’t had the best luck with the ladies.
By U Kno Who
February 6, 2008 11:06 PM | Link to this
My concern is trying to give the team the chance to win a championship. With our tight purse strings, it’s hard to win when u have one guy taking up so much of yer payroll. Smoltzie and I know this, so we will do whatever we have to, within reason, to work with the Braves to put the best product on the field. I know enough spanish to know what the guys are talking about. Yunel knows exactly what I’m saying.
By U Kno Who
February 7, 2008 1:54 PM | Link to this
Wassup! I can see there has plenty of action since last nite. DOB mite have to give me a fee for spicing up his blog. Just kiddin! Please forgive my computer skills,as my fellow Bolles grad pointed out last nite, they stink. But I’m doing the best I can. I will get to as many questions as I can before I have to meet mama for lunch. First I would have to say that FSU is our biggest rival with UGA and the Vols running a very close second. Instate pride runs deeper than conference pride in Fla. It used to be that whoever won the state championship in Fla, usually played for the national championship. My song, “Crazytrain”, is so identifiable with me now, that I can’t change it. Most people that I talk to say they love it, so I’ll stick with it. Kinda dig “Rockstar” by Nickelback tho so stay tuned. The last 2 years have been very hard to swallow. We’ve had good enough teams to make it to Oct, but one phase of our game has let us down in both seasons. John Rocker was a pretty good teammate, believe it or not. He would do somethings that people didn’t appreciate sometimes but that’s just his competitive spirit bubbling over. We had words a few times over certain things but I respected the job he did for us while he was the closer. It is never too early to start a kid switch-hitting. I started when I was 7 and didn’t fully grasp it til I was 19. He’s gonna get frustrated with,but stick with it, it’s worth it in the end. My approach with runners on base is simple. Stay up the middle of the field. Drive the ball from gap to gap. That’s my game. Nobody on, let’s open it up a little and try for the instant offense.Bobby Cox is like a dad to all of us. Real understanding guy. Always willing to work with us on any problems we have. U will never find a smarter baseball man. I know that the kids look up to and idolize us but what people have to understand is that we are intense individuals who want to succeed. Sometimes the emotion of the moment causes u to say and do things that are not G rated. But that doesn’t make us bad people. Do what I do at home. Look over at your son or daughter and tell them that’s a grown up word and I better not ever hear u say it. My kids get the hint. Lew, the painting of the white tail deer would be great. It would fit perfectly down at the ranch. I’d love to check out yer work.
By U Kno Who
February 7, 2008 4:22 PM | Link to this
There are a ton of questions so I’ll try to get to all of them, although they may be brief answers. Some of the best under 25 players include David Wright, Hanley Ramirez, Ryan Zimmerman, Prince, Ryan Braun and Joba Chamberlain. Not sure the ages of most guys but these are the cream of the crop. Look out for Brandon Jones to make a splash with us this year. He has lots of talent and he’s shone the ability to control the bat as good as anyone in our system. The rotation should be strong as long as the top 3 stay healthy and give us 200 quality innings. The 4 and 5 spots are yet to be determined but whoever wins them will be deserving. Marty Malloy is the manager of a quail plantation in his hometown of Trenton, Fla. The Vick thing is a sad one for me. We all know what it’s like to get in with the wrong crowd. Some people get mixed up at different levels. Obviously Mike has made some bad decisions, but he’s paying his debt. Hopefully when he gets out, people will have enough grace in their heart to give him a clean slate. I personally have a Vick jersey and helmet in my basement.U guys are pretty much rite on as far as the batting order is concerned. Kelly and Kot will probably flip flop between 1,2 and 7 or 8.Fanfest was great for the players. We enjoyed the format a lot better than years past. Being able to interact with the fans thru a Q & A and take photos along with the autographs made it a lot more bearable.The one thing I will remember from Macon was the bus rides. Whether it be the card games or the late nites at Denny’s or just sitting there getting to know your teammates. That was all a ton of fun. I was always passionate about the game. I came from a baseball family. My dad was drafted by the Cubs. I told my mom when I was 4 that I was gonna play in the big leagues one day. Iknow the passion doesn’t shine thru all the time as, like anything else, I mite be dealing with an injury or just flat out tired. But I take the field to win everyday.My home will always be here in Atl. My kids are rooted in the schools here. I wouldn’t want to move them for selfish reasons. They are what’s important. I want them to feel comfortable.Never, ever has the thought of playing anywhere but rite here entered my mind. I know the day is coming. It does for all of us. The only other manager out there that is the most like Bobby Cox is Grady Little. He was my coach in AA and AAA and I loved him. Still keep in contact with him to this day. But I don’t think any of us can imagine not playing for Bobby. He’s a lifer.
Unfortunately for Murph, the people who cast the votes don’t realize the impact that he had on the game of baseball back in his prime. He was the best. The numbers are there, the MVPs are there, the all-star games are there. What more do u have to do? Let him in! Just saw Klesko in Las Vegas for the SHOT show and he told me that he is officially retired. Guess who he was hangin with? Barry Bonds! Get the sunday home jerseys. Those things are sweet lookin. I hear we are gonna break out some blue ones this year. The all-star homer ranks rite behind the WS homer off Duque in 99. 3 for 3 with a homer in yer own park in the all-star game…….doesn’t get much better than that. U want to check out hunts at my ranch? Go to doubledimeranch.com and check us out. I’m not familiar with any other outfitters. Kot is a really good player. Makes good contact at the plate. Doesn’t strike out a lot. Above average CF with a good arm. Solid ballplayer! Knucksie is a beauty. Atlanta Brave thru and thru. Always has a kind word for everyone. The best way to assure yourself an autograph from me is to go to spring training or check out my website. All that stuff gets back to me eventually. Mite take some time tho. Once a teammate, always a teammate. Roachy and I do a ton of hunting together in the off season. Andruw and I have played golf together a couple of times. We are all like brothers. We win together, we lose together. Eight months a year for 12 years. I sometimes do visit ol’ towne from time to time. I have some buddies up in Cartersville that i usually meet there for dinner once every couple of weeks. Excellent place! I never could pick up Hideo Nomo’s split. Don’t get me wrong, I hit some balls hard off him that got caught, but for the most part he had my number. Ironic that he was the guy who beat me for the ROY,huh? Sheeeeesh!
By U Kno Who
February 7, 2008 6:07 PM | Link to this
Arighty then! How ‘bout yall try conversing amongst yourselves and I will just chime in every once in a while. I just sat here and read questions for an hour. By the time I reply, there will be 100 more. U guys provide me countless hours of entertainment whenever nothing is on TV. Some of u are very smart when it comes to the game of baseball and are very accurate in yer assessment of certain things. Others, well, u need to listen to DOB and Lew a little more. Let’s get the conversation back on the Braves team. How about I pose a question to u guys rite now, let u guys reply and later on tonite, I will give u my opinion. Which 5 guys do u think should be in the starting rotation and in what order should Bobby Cox run them out there?
By U Kno Who
February 7, 2008 10:25 PM | Link to this
I’m gonna hit it folks. Still jet-laggin from my vegas trip. Gotta get up early and take the youngens to school, then off to my workout, followed by a BIIIIIG golf game tomorrow afternoon. Enjoyed chatting once again and I will check yall out tomorrow nite. Yer the best! Don’t let anybody tell u different.___
By U Kno Who
February 7, 2008 10:00 PM | Link to this
Man, u guys are good! All great posts except for a chosen few. I would like to give props to Epinephrine,JD, Woogidy because of his Jurrjens point and last but not least Ghost of GilGarrido and the 6 man rotation. All in the great category. ChoppinMama even got the sign language question right.
Let me start by saying that everything hinges on the health of Hampton, right down to who is the #2 starter. Again, this is just an opinion and not set in stone. Smoltzie is #1, hands down, end of discussion. I too like the right,left,right rotation out of the top three.But I have the feeling that Bobby is gonna go with Smoltz, Huddy then Glav. If Hampton is healthy and ready to pitch, I like him in the 5 spot, with him getting a start off every once in a while. That leaves the 4 hole. Not sure about Chucky and his health yet and JoJo has options. I think we traded for Jurrjens for a reason and that is to be in the rotation. Which brings me to the 6th man. If Hampton is not ready to go 5,6 or 7 innings, we might be able to use him as a long man out of the pen until he builds up his stamina. Then the 5 spot would go to Chucky or JoJo. I would lean toward the latter as being the thing that most likely happens. That being said, I’m gonna go with Smoltz,Huddy,Glav,Jurrjens and Chucky, with JoJo ready to go at a moments notice, with Hamp building up in the pen to start the season. If Hamp starts on the DL, then JoJo starts in the pen. Again all this is just speculation and subject to change at any moment. The depth that we have is tremendous luxury to have as I think our rotation will be a strong point for our ballclub this season. Having one or two of those guys down in the pen will also give Bobby a lot of flexibility. If one of the big 3 can’t make a start, we have experience to plug in the vacancy. Hope u guys like the rotation and the outlook on the upcoming season. Gotta lotta love for yall! Go Bravos!
February 7, 2008 10:09 PM | Link to this
...[edited for pathetic-ness]
Quick story, I was once told I look just like you!
I live in Las Vegas and work for the Police Department here. One day about 3 years ago I was assigned to train a new Officer. His first day with me he asked me if I like baseball. I said “yes”. He asked me if I know who Chipper Jones is and I said “yes”. He said “Has anyone ever told you that you look just like him.”
Now I am not gay, but I almost nutted on myself. LOL! Needless to say that new officer passed training with flying colors. LOL.
I went home and told my wife and she said that I look “a little like Chipper, but that he is better looking.” LOL. She has since left me. Damn her!